Ooops I did it again. I dumped him, but was I too harsh?

[Phoenix11]

I just can't seem to navigate thru relationships successfully. I've been seeing this guy for a bit, first he was going too fast, then too slow. He's been very busy at work and hasn't had time to call or chat with me as he usually does. It's been two weeks since we seen each other and just as long since we had a conversation of substance.

 

Yesterday, he IM me and says "Hi, gotta run". This has been going on for two weeks and I hit my boiling point. I immediately sent him the following e-mail to break up with him:

 

Dear So and So,

It pains me to have to type these words......

I've been waiting for two weeks to have some type of "real" conversation with you. This relationship is very frustrating to me. I understand you are very busy, but I feel you are not applying yourself. We have come to a complete stand still.

Maybe it's because we live too far away from each other, or because you work late hours, or because you don't call (ever, especially when you know I'm sick), or because IM is your preferred method of communicating (which sucks), or because you are chasing someone else (lucky girl), or maybe you are being super protective of your heart because you were so badly hurt....I don't know. What I do know is this "thing we have" leaves me feeling empty.

I do miss you, and care for you, but the lack of contact destroys just as much as distance.

I am open to discussion if you care to articulate your posture, if not I hope we can remain friends.

 

What was I thinking. All I saw was red when he for the 100th time in two weeks only has time to write "Hi, gotta run" My fingers started typing and wouldn't stop until I hit that send button.

 

Now I wish I could take it all back and handle the situation in a more calm, patient and controlled manner. Needless to say, I have not heard from him. I just hope it did not come accross too harsh.

 

Given his disposition (which tends to be an angry little man) I doubt if I will ever hear from him again.

 

Geez...I'm sad and alone.....again!

Edited February 5, 2008 by Phoenix11

[EYECANDY000]

I think that sending an email was not the best route for delivering the news but i can understand why you did it. The best thing you should have done was write out your feelings in a journal so you could address them to him later. Im sure if he cares he would still call , just to get some kind of closure or to reconcile.

[Lucky555]

I ENVY YOU! THANK YOU! Really i had gone through the same thing!!!!

 

If a man is into he will MAKE TIME no matter how busy!

 

I have not had the "balls" to say or do anything. I just avoid but then it leaves you with no closure.

 

Like me i have not contacted him in over a week. Because i have not had seen him in TWO MONTHS BECAUSE HES BUSY....thats always the excuse.

I just avoid and thank you for having guts i need to learn.

 

You did the right thing i am so fearful of speaking up but i rather do what you did any day! its too late for me to do anything because well it wasn't a relationship but it seemed like it. ICK.

 

Sorry to hear about this endeavour but you will find someone great and I am in the process of moving on because i made excuses for the guy until i found i am just being treated wrongly.

[Phoenix11]

I ENVY YOU! THANK YOU! Really i had gone through the same thing!!!!

 

If a man is into he will MAKE TIME no matter how busy!

 

I have not had the "balls" to say or do anything. I just avoid but then it leaves you with no closure.

 

Like me i have not contacted him in over a week. Because i have not had seen him in TWO MONTHS BECAUSE HES BUSY....thats always the excuse.

I just avoid and thank you for having guts i need to learn.

 

You did the right thing i am so fearful of speaking up but i rather do what you did any day! its too late for me to do anything because well it wasn't a relationship but it seemed like it. ICK.

 

Sorry to hear about this endeavour but you will find someone great and I am in the process of moving on because i made excuses for the guy until i found i am just being treated wrongly.

 

Yesterday I was so glad I sent that e-mail, but today I'm having second thoughts. His no response is killing me. I was at least hoping for an explanation of sorts for the lack of time he is giving us.

 

In his brief IM he says he can't wait to hold me, kiss me, and the other:D, but there is no substance in our communication and that irritates me to no end.

[oppath]

You've only been dating this guy less than a month, right?

[Jilly Bean]

Isn't this the guy you had only three dates with, who once he had sex with you, he stopped pursuing you entirely?

 

If thats the gist of it (and I got the right guy), then I'm not sure why this is of any surprise, really. He was out for one thing, got it, and moved on and put you on back burner status. He's a tool! I don't think you could call it a "relationship", and I wouldn't have bothered to send the email. Fine to write it to vent, but I wouldn't have sent it. I just think when it's pretty obvious that a guy was out for booty and nothing more, that it's best to maintain some dignity and move on. BELIEVE ME, I have done my share of calling guys out when the hurt me, but its not worth it in the end, as all it does is give him ammo that he was right in not dating you. Crazy, I know. But, that's how it falls out.

 

He was a player hon, and that's the end of him, I hope!

[Phoenix11]

Isn't this the guy you had only three dates with, who once he had sex with you, he stopped pursuing you entirely?

 

If thats the gist of it (and I got the right guy), then I'm not sure why this is of any surprise, really. He was out for one thing, got it, and moved on and put you on back burner status. He's a tool! I don't think you could call it a "relationship", and I wouldn't have bothered to send the email. Fine to write it to vent, but I wouldn't have sent it. I just think when it's pretty obvious that a guy was out for booty and nothing more, that it's best to maintain some dignity and move on. BELIEVE ME, I have done my share of calling guys out when the hurt me, but its not worth it in the end, as all it does is give him ammo that he was right in not dating you. Crazy, I know. But, that's how it falls out.

 

He was a player hon, and that's the end of him, I hope!

 

You got the right guy...same guy. But here's the thing...I don't think it was all about the sex...(which was unbelievable btw). He is very kind and affectionate, even as late as yesterday. He is always saying how he can't wait to see me again.

 

I believe the crux of his distant behavior is the same sticking point we encountered early on...."He wants to come over to my house and I'm not ready for that". I know it's weird, but because it was such a BIG issue in the begininng and throughout our relationship, it's the last thing I'm holding out on until I'm 100% sure of him.

 

Just this past Friday, he said "what time should I leave to drive to your house?" I don't recall inviting him over. Then later that same day he says "Should I pack a bag if I'm going to be over your house until Sunday to watch the Super Bowl?" I know he was dropping some serious hints, but I did not invite him and this is a thorn in his side.

 

If it was all about the sex, he didn't have to say all the endearing things he did. It wasn't like I was holding out for him to whisper sweet nothings to me.

 

He's a moody, angry little man and I just don't know how to deal with him.

[Phoenix11]

You've only been dating this guy less than a month, right?

 

Sorta/kinda....started online with him back in Oct.

[tanbark813]

I went back and read some other posts about this guy and I agree with others that said it's a red flag that he told you he loves you on the second date. But if you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt regarding that then with in terms of everything else that has happened it seems like you don't really know what you want.

 

It was moving too fast, then he pulled back, and now it's moving too slow. You want him to make more time for you and call you more--understandable--but it doesn't sound like you're making much effort to contact him. Then you're referring to your "relationship" with him and have had sex with him, but won't let him in your house.

 

I can understand not wanting to give your address to a guy you met online at first but by the time you let him in your vagina I think you should be okay with letting him in your house. And I think I'm fairly non-judgmental when it comes to sex timelines.

 

The whole wanting-to-be-100%-sure thing sounds like a cover for being afraid to get hurt. We're all afraid to be hurt and you can never be 100% sure about anyone. Plus, you seem to badmouth the guy a lot in your posts which doesn't really gel with how much you profess to like him.

 

As far as him being an angry, little man, maybe he is, maybe he isn't, I don't know, but do you honestly expect a guy to take you seriously as a potential partner if you won't let the guy into your home? It sounds like you want him to just jump through hoops for you.

 

Not to be mean but you sound very neurotic and confused. I have no opinion on whether you should or shouldn't keep seeing him but I think the first thing you need to do is figure out what you want from this.

[Phoenix11]

I went back and read some other posts about this guy and I agree with others that said it's a red flag that he told you he loves you on the second date. But if you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt regarding that then with in terms of everything else that has happened it seems like you don't really know what you want.

 

It was moving too fast, then he pulled back, and now it's moving too slow. You want him to make more time for you and call you more--understandable--but it doesn't sound like you're making much effort to contact him. Then you're referring to your "relationship" with him and have had sex with him, but won't let him in your house.

 

I can understand not wanting to give your address to a guy you met online at first but by the time you let him in your vagina I think you should be okay with letting him in your house. And I think I'm fairly non-judgmental when it comes to sex timelines.

 

The whole wanting-to-be-100%-sure thing sounds like a cover for being afraid to get hurt. We're all afraid to be hurt and you can never be 100% sure about anyone. Plus, you seem to badmouth the guy a lot in your posts which doesn't really gel with how much you profess to like him.

 

As far as him being an angry, little man, maybe he is, maybe he isn't, I don't know, but do you honestly expect a guy to take you seriously as a potential partner if you won't let the guy into your home? It sounds like you want him to just jump through hoops for you.

 

Not to be mean but you sound very neurotic and confused. I have no opinion on whether you should or shouldn't keep seeing him but I think the first thing you need to do is figure out what you want from this.

 

Wow Tankbark...

 

Is it too much to ask for a guy to be consistent? He is so extreme sometimes...he is either too fast, too pushy, too demanding, or he is as cold as ice. I know exactly what I want...consistency at a steady pace.

 

The sex thing is not a big deal to me. I like him, he like me, we were in the mood and are adults...so we did it. If things did not work out the next day, I could walk away...end of story. But allowing someone into your home, knowing were you live could lead to a whole heap of trouble if things ended badly. I speak from experience because I have been stalked by an ex before. Had he not appeared to be so anxious and obsessed with knowing where I lived, I would have invited him over by now.

 

Another obstacle we have is his perception that I am financially better off than he is. He told me that affects his manhood a little. It would become more of an issue once he visits me at home. I have stalled purposely for this reason.

 

You got me all wrong...when I write about him here on this board, I'm not badmouthing him. I adore him, I am fond of him, but I am just sarcastic with you guys with my description of him. It's his quirky intellectual ways that I am so attracted to.

[Jilly Bean]

He is always saying how he can't wait to see me again.

 

Just this past Friday, he said "what time should I leave to drive to your house?" I don't recall inviting him over. Then later that same day he says "Should I pack a bag if I'm going to be over your house until Sunday to watch the Super Bowl?" I know he was dropping some serious hints, but I did not invite him and this is a thorn in his side.

 

If it was all about the sex, he didn't have to say all the endearing things he did. It wasn't like I was holding out for him to whisper sweet nothings to me.

 

Sweetie, these aren't endearing things to say to a woman. They were his attempts to get back over to your house for the booty again. He played you. Plain and simple. Sorry, but three dates doesn't make a relationship, and besides his bids to get you into bed, he was completely non-pursuing. Trust me - I have known guys like him. But don't confuse his sweet talk attempts at getting into your pants as any type of sincere interest.

 

Delete him from your IM, phone and please move on from him. Im pretty sure he wont respond to your email, but if he does, it will only be as attempt to use you again.

[tanbark813]

The sex thing is not a big deal to me. I like him, he like me, we were in the mood and are adults...so we did it. If things did not work out the next day, I could walk away...end of story. But allowing someone into your home, knowing were you live could lead to a whole heap of trouble if things ended badly. I speak from experience because I have been stalked by an ex before. Had he not appeared to be so anxious and obsessed with knowing where I lived, I would have invited him over by now.

 

I'm not judging you for having sex with him at all. I just don't think you can keep a guy at arm's length and still expect him to be serious about you as far as relationships go. It's like wanting to win the Superbowl without getting dirty. You can't have it both ways.

[Phoenix11]

Now I wish I could take it all back and handle the situation in a more calm, patient and controlled manner. Needless to say, I have not heard from him. I just hope it did not come accross too harsh.

 

Given his disposition (which tends to be an angry little man) I doubt if I will ever hear from him again.

 

Geez...I'm sad and alone.....again!

 

To my surprise, he replied to my e-mail with following:

 

You broke my heart with your goodbye email.

I have much to think about...time

I haven't heard from him since. I tried to call him and make "nice" to talk things over, but he apparently is giving me the "no-contact" approach.

 

Does his response sound like he is accepting the breakup and moving on or comtemplating the issues I outlined in my e-mail? Is there any hope here?

[Jilly Bean]

No, I don't think there's any hope hon, he's still playing you as he did from the get-go. He came on strong, got sex, and moved on while you kept pursuing him. He's trying to act now like he's upset over this (though I'm sure he's not). Basically, by you telling him you didn't want to see him anymore, you gave him an out to be the good guy in this, since he wasn't interested in seeing you anymore anyhow and wasn't contacting you. Know what I mean?

 

FWIW, rest assured he's probably pulling the same thing with 5 other girls at the same time. There is really no relatonship to "break up" from, when you have only had three dates. Please keep it all in perspective.

 

Always remember - if a guy is interested, you'll know it. He won't leave you wondering and confused...

[Phoenix11]

No, I don't think there's any hope hon, he's still playing you as he did from the get-go. He came on strong, got sex, and moved on while you kept pursuing him. He's trying to act now like he's upset over this (though I'm sure he's not). Basically, by you telling him you didn't want to see him anymore, you gave him an out to be the good guy in this, since he wasn't interested in seeing you anymore anyhow and wasn't contacting you. Know what I mean?

 

FWIW, rest assured he's probably pulling the same thing with 5 other girls at the same time. There is really no relatonship to "break up" from, when you have only had three dates. Please keep it all in perspective.

 

Always remember - if a guy is interested, you'll know it. He won't leave you wondering and confused...

 

Thanks Jilly B. You are probably right. The way you just explained it makes sense. I'm not naive. I just didn't see this happening. He didn't seem like the "type". Far from it actually. I guess I thought I would be safe with a nerdy, bookworm, geeky guy. Unbelievable since the pursuit was 3 months in the making.

[Phoenix11]

No, I don't think there's any hope hon, he's still playing you as he did from the get-go. He came on strong, got sex, and moved on while you kept pursuing him. He's trying to act now like he's upset over this (though I'm sure he's not). Basically, by you telling him you didn't want to see him anymore, you gave him an out to be the good guy in this, since he wasn't interested in seeing you anymore anyhow and wasn't contacting you. Know what I mean?

 

FWIW, rest assured he's probably pulling the same thing with 5 other girls at the same time. There is really no relatonship to "break up" from, when you have only had three dates. Please keep it all in perspective.

 

Always remember - if a guy is interested, you'll know it. He won't leave you wondering and confused...

 

Jilly,

Not that I doubt what you are saying, but why would he say this if it all didn't mean anything to him?

You broke my heart with your goodbye email.

He could have not said anything or just responded "As you wish, see ya"

[Jilly Bean]

Jilly,

Not that I doubt what you are saying, but why would he say this if it all didn't mean anything to him?

You broke my heart with your goodbye email.

 

He could have not said anything or just responded "As you wish, see ya"

 

Because it's sarcasm.

 

He wasn't interested in you, so he found it funny that you took the time to "dump" him, considering you were never together anyway. It's like you broke up with someone you were never involved with, so he was playing with you. Trust me - if he was really upset by your email, he would have called you immediately and begged a mea culpa.

 

I've done what you did before, Phoenix. When I've been overly invested in a guy and he was clearly not returning the emotion, I would "break up" with him, even though there was nothing there to begin with. I felt some twisted sense of false empowerment, and the guy was generally like, "um..ok!" I get how you feel - I truly do. It sucks because you liked him, and you wanted him to like you back.

 

I look at these things as NOT bad. It just means he's not meant to stick around as someone MORE appropriate who WONT stress you out and WILL return your affections is meant to come into your life. You cant expect someone wonderful to come into your life is someone wrong is occupying that space, right?

[Phoenix11]

Because it's sarcasm.

 

He wasn't interested in you, so he found it funny that you took the time to "dump" him, considering you were never together anyway. It's like you broke up with someone you were never involved with, so he was playing with you. Trust me - if he was really upset by your email, he would have called you immediately and begged a mea culpa.

 

I've done what you did before, Phoenix. When I've been overly invested in a guy and he was clearly not returning the emotion, I would "break up" with him, even though there was nothing there to begin with. I felt some twisted sense of false empowerment, and the guy was generally like, "um..ok!" I get how you feel - I truly do. It sucks because you liked him, and you wanted him to like you back.

 

 

I look at these things as NOT bad. It just means he's not meant to stick around as someone MORE appropriate who WONT stress you out and WILL return your affections is meant to come into your life. You cant expect someone wonderful to come into your life is someone wrong is occupying that space, right?

 

Understood. Here I go again....BUT...why would he not just approach from the begininng as FWB. Things may have still ended the same way sexually, without the emotional hang-ups.

[Jilly Bean]

Understood. Here I go again....BUT...why would he not just approach from the begininng as FWB. Things may have still ended the same way sexually, without the emotional hang-ups.

 

Because most women dont respond well to "hey, I think you have an OK personality, and youre kinda cute, and I wouldnt mind hittin' it, but I dont want to have to deal with you beyond that in case I dont want to see you again or I get busy with my other chicks, ok?"

 

Thats why.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I agree with JillyBean 100%.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I also want to add that frequency of the contact (when the guy is initiating it) is the best indicator of someones interest. What players do is use big words and talk about love early on to cover up their lack of substance.

[StartingOver07]

Jilly,

Not that I doubt what you are saying, but why would he say this if it all didn't mean anything to him?

You broke my heart with your goodbye email.

 

He could have not said anything or just responded "As you wish, see ya"

 

The text of your "break-up" email made it perfectly clear that if he had picked up the phone that day and made any effort at all to set things to rights, you would have re-engaged in the r/s. He knows that but that isn't what he wants. Rather, he enjoys giving you something that you will worry about and which will divert you from the real issue,w hich is his behavior. There is no way he isn't sufficiently tuned in to your personality not to know that this is something you will think about.

 

He tosses out a gratuitous "you broke my hear" just because it's easy... and because it takes the attention off the valid points you made in your email -- that he runs hot and cold, and more of the latter lately than the former -- and instead positions him as the injured party.

 

As for why he didn't just say he wanted FWB, well, Jilly is right on there. And I would add that, for some guys, FWB is not as much fun as being a player. I am sure this guy felt he had to "conquer" you after all the back-and-forth in email, refusing to send your picture, etc., etc. It's more fun to capture your prey than to have it delivered on a plate.