What's the thing you most wish you understood about the opposite sex?

[shadowofman]

For the most part I agree with fral945 in regards to the OP's questions for men.

 

What I wish I could understand is not nessessarily directed toward women, but everyone else (men and women are equally guily). And that is the possession of others. I am personally incapable of this feeling, and infact I find it immoral to possess another. I want to know how a person could cheat and then demand fidelity from their partner. Why wouldn't they recognize the drive to cheat in their partner as the same drive that is within them to cheat and then immediately forgive? My friend just recently got dumped by his girlfriend for cheating on her, while she has been cheating on him for just as long. And if he had known she cheated on him first, he would have dumped her even though he was cheating. Monkey behavior if you ask me.

[sally4sara]

I got one!

Why do men pull the "wear something sexy for me?" thing. It is something we think of doing every now and then but we never make this request of you. We're just glad you came to the party. It just makes no sense to ask that and maybe its just me, but if I'm already in the mood I'm not feeling like digging through the dresser and putting clothes on. I'm thinking about taking them off. If I go put clothes on I'm likely to get frustrated and the mood could pass.

What is up with that?

[shadowofman]

That is a good one. I have done that and I don't know why.

[Always Wrong]

Sorry I'm posting so much lately, but it's helping me not to think about him. So thanks for reading.

 

I've said to several male friends of mine that I will never understand men, and all of them (even the gay ones) said, "Men are easy to understand. Women are impossible."

 

So here's what I wish I understood about men. I wish I understood what they're thinking when they're being quiet, as they usually are. Why is it so hard for them to talk about how they feel? Why are feelings so terrifying? Why is love so terrifying? Why the inclination to run when things get serious? (Yes, I know women do this too sometimes, but men seem to do it overwhelmingly, to the point that finding one who's NOT afraid of commitment seems like a needle in a haystack.)

Have you asked your potential men these questions before you get involved? Maybe the ones you are physically attracted to at first glance aren't the ones who you will be emotionally engaged with. And the opposite applies too. Maybe emotionally engaging men aren't the ones approaching you?

 

I feel there are a lot of men who are past the youthful drive that makes them insensitive. They just aren't strutting around beating their chests trying to attract mates anymore. They've lost that cocky arrogance and are much more reserved now.They're waiting for a woman who is attracted to sensitivity. And that also seems to be a needle in the haystack.

Edited February 6, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Always Wrong]

Okay, so about the sex thing...

 

I've always heard it said that men think about sex and want sex constantly. However, I have NEVER -- in 20 years of being sexually active -- EVER met a man who wanted sex as often as I do. It's a dream of mine to find a man who shares my libido, but I honestly don't think he exists. I've had boyfriends who told me regularly that I was sexy and they loved having sex with me, but none of them have ever been able to keep up.

 

Now, granted, the most recent ex was starving and sleep-deprived, but he used to say to me, "I just don't have your libido. My libido's just not as strong as yours." Usually I just had to start kissing him and he'd get into it, but seriously, if I ever met a guy who wanted sex as much as I do, I'd marry him. Right there. On the spot. (of course he'd probably run screaming from commitment, with my luck.)

 

And I don't even want it that often. Once a day would be just fine with me! Is that so much to ask?

 

Oh, and I LOVE when guys show vulnerability! It makes me think they're human!

Wow sedgwick, you are asking for a rare combination. In my experience, the men I have worked with through the years, (and these men were tough, capable of going from the extreme of sub zero of the Arctic to 140 degrees on the flight line in the Mojave Desert in a single day), were only at that make love every day capability and emotionally mature enough to be engaging in conversation about emotions and feelings from a womans perspective between 40 and 50 yrs. of age, give or take a couple.

 

I'm not talking about some guy who will argue about men being sensitive all night, but a man who will be truly engaged in listening to you and honestly taking your feelings into consideration before he blurts out a response.

 

That combination of libido and emotional muturity is unfortunately the proverbial needle in the haystack too. AW

[sally4sara]

I got another one!

This is something I've wonder even before reading all these bitter guy threads on here.

If women are considered the softer, weaker, and more irrational gender, why are we better able to pick ourselves back up and give some new guy a fair chance after being screwed over by the old guy? I have had my share of "he done me wrong" relationships. I've been the shoulder to cry on for a good many of my girlfriends. They all moved on in a timely fashion and didn't seem to let it bleed into their next relationship.

But let a guy get worked over good even just once! The next few girls get the works like it was their fault! The guy will dig his heels in over the most petty and ridiculous reasons. I just read a thread where the guy refuses to hear how scary it is to be in his car on road trips because he drives 100 miles per hour and thinks he can avoid an accident and I guess control other drivers on the road. He won't listen to his girl because his ex wife use to pull the "change this if you love me" and he hasn't even been with the ex wife for 10 years. At some point it just starts seeming like a good excuse to be a jerk and not have to feel responsible for your jerk-like actions.

 

What is up with that? Thats like hating all Asians because one fired you.

[Woggle]

There are quite a few bitter women out there who hate all men because of a bad experience so this is not a trait exclusive to men. I think the men who become the most bittter are the ones who treated women well and did everything right only to have the woman they love betray them in the worst way. Men these days are raised to respect women and almost cowtow to them and when they wake up to the fact that it gets them nowhere that can be a very bitter pill to swallow.

[sally4sara]

There are quite a few bitter women out there who hate all men because of a bad experience so this is not a trait exclusive to men. I think the men who become the most bittter are the ones who treated women well and did everything right only to have the woman they love betray them in the worst way. Men these days are raised to respect women and almost cowtow to them and when they wake up to the fact that it gets them nowhere that can be a very bitter pill to swallow.

 

And you are assuming me and my female friends DIDN'T treat our past partners well only to be hurt because why? Oh yeah...we're female.

The point is sometimes people you love end up doing horribly painful things to you. I have notices for many years now that me and my female friends were able to not take it out on other men far more often then I've seen my male friends be capable of this. Just wondering why we seem better able to be strong enough to not let a guy or three jade us forever while guys let it ruin them.

P.S. I have had just as many guy friends as girl friends if not more. Guys take it out on others far more often than women. Funny how girls deal with it by being sorta bitchy to random guys in impersonal situations when dumped and guys save it for the women who try to love them after they've been dumped.

[Woggle]

That may be your experience but I know many women who make their men pay for something some other man did. I think many don't care enough about a man to be hurt anyway. I also think that women tend to screw over men more than the other way around so that is why you might see more bitter men. After a man has been tossed to the side and /or cheated on for being nothing but a loving boyfriend or husband and is put through the divorce court meat grinder who can blame him for being bitter. Also after a nice guy has been screwed over enough times he starts to realize that treating women like crap is what gets better results.

[Always Wrong]

I am giulty! I failed to approach these "in touch with my feelings and are they compatible yours" conversations before becoming involved. If we approached these issues in advance, would we be disqualified as contenders for the more involved relationship?

[Tony]

As an assist to the OP, I am posting below a digest of the original topic of this thread so subsequent posters can more easily see what it is and work towards addressing the questions:

 

1. What's the thing you most wish you understood about the opposite sex?

 

2. I wish I understood what they're thinking when they're being quiet, as they usually are. Why is it so hard for them to talk about how they feel?

 

3. Why are feelings so terrifying?

 

4. Why is love so terrifying?

 

5. Why the inclination to run when things get serious? (Yes, I know women do this too sometimes, but men seem to do it overwhelmingly, to the point that finding one who's NOT afraid of commitment seems like a needle in a haystack.)

 

Please participate constructively in this thread by helping sort out the above questions for the OP. Many kind thanks!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

1. What's the thing you most wish you understood about the opposite sex?

What men really want from me....

 

2. I wish I understood what they're thinking when they're being quiet, as they usually are. Why is it so hard for them to talk about how they feel?

Men internalize - I don't ask if not offered. They will talk when they are comfortable and that's what it should be about.

 

3. Why are feelings so terrifying?

Are they? I like the fact that humans have a broad range of feelings - it make us unique and interesting.

 

4. Why is love so terrifying?

I disagree. Love is exciting, but our lack of control makes us think it's terrifying. We as humans, create the fear, not love.

 

5. Why the inclination to run when things get serious? (Yes, I know women do this too sometimes, but men seem to do it overwhelmingly, to the point that finding one who's NOT afraid of commitment seems like a needle in a haystack.)

Hmm, can't say. But the men that I know what love more than most women I know, so I think it's about timing and maturity.

[Pyro]

1. What's the thing you most wish you understood about the opposite sex?

 

How they are able to be comfortable in wearing a thong all day.

 

2. I wish I understood what they're thinking when they're being quiet, as they usually are. Why is it so hard for them to talk about how they feel?

 

The fear of rejection or being judged? Maybe their communication skills suck?

 

3. Why are feelings so terrifying?

 

I'm not afraid of feelings. Perhaps some people are afraid to hear the truth.

 

4. Why is love so terrifying?

 

I'm not afraid of love. For others those, when you love someone, you give them your heart and the person fears having their heart ripped apart. Love is a huge risk and I am proud to have the guts and balls to take on that risk on a daily basis.

 

5. Why the inclination to run when things get serious? (Yes, I know women do this too sometimes, but men seem to do it overwhelmingly, to the point that finding one who's NOT afraid of commitment seems like a needle in a haystack.)

 

The fear of getting hurt or betrayed? I never understood why more people can't just suck it up and be brave and take the risk instead of being a chicken about it. A broken heart will eventually heal, as long as you want it to.

[Always Wrong]

Sorry I'm posting so much lately, but it's helping me not to think about him. So thanks for reading.

 

I've said to several male friends of mine that I will never understand men, and all of them (even the gay ones) said, "Men are easy to understand. Women are impossible."

 

So here's what I wish I understood about men. I wish I understood what they're thinking when they're being quiet, as they usually are. Why is it so hard for them to talk about how they feel? Why are feelings so terrifying? Why is love so terrifying? Why the inclination to run when things get serious? (Yes, I know women do this too sometimes, but men seem to do it overwhelmingly, to the point that finding one who's NOT afraid of commitment seems like a needle in a haystack.)

The OP states what she wished she understood about men.

Am I to answer her questions about men? or am I to respond to the thread title: What's the thing you most wish you understood about the opposite sex?

One consists of answers, the other consists of more questions.

I shall choose to answer to the best of my limited experience her inquiries about myself as a man.

1. When I am quiet it's usually because I am tired and want to relax.

2. How I feel is such a broad subject. How do I feel about what?

3. Feelings about what are so terrifying? Be more specific please. Example: Feelings about marriage? Feelings about group sex? Feelings about our governments involvement with foreign nations who harbor terrorists?

4. Love is a potential lifetime commitment. That is with no doubt the intention unless you are a fling and love has nothing to do with the relationship. If I won't talk about love, then I obviously am not inclined toward commitment, and you're just a fling.

5. The ones who run most likely weren't asked up front about their "feelings" toward commitment. They were just in it for the physical portion. And if they were asked and implied they were all for commitment and monogamy and ran later on, I rather imagine they weren't being sincere about their response.

6. I never went on a date with a woman I didn't eventually marry. Now that's quite amazing isn't it? No sh*t Sherlock!

Edited February 6, 2008 by Always Wrong
context

[starlite]

I want to know why a woman can force a 9 lb object out of her vagina but is afraid to squish a bug.

 

That is too cute!

 

My answer...because bugs are creepy and gross...

 

Babies are cute!

[Haohmaru]

I wore my girlfriend out sexually when she thought she had me. It was fun. You could marry me, Sed.

 

But yeah, could a woman please answer that "know what you need without asking" crap?? It's crap...I hate it... light needs to be shed...

[CalamitousJane]

As Always Wrong points out, the thread title asks for questions about the opposite sex AND for answers. I hope I can take a stab at the questions that some men are posing without derailing the thread...

 

But yeah, could a woman please answer that "know what you need without asking" crap?? It's crap...I hate it... light needs to be shed...

 

how are men supposed to know what a women wants without asking. Never understood that. Not being sarcastic but men are not mind readers. how are we suppossed to know what a women is thinking at a particular moment without asking?

 

This is a biggie. Women are often trained both to not speak up when they need something, and to be ultra-attentive to other people's needs. Men are usually not trained in this, and sometimes I think it's hard for women to understand this.

 

A clearly "stewing" woman sometimes throws a man into such a panic that he loses touch with whatever scraps of intuition and sensitivity he normally has.

 

It would be great if men DID intuitively know what we needed, but most of the time they don't, and the WORST thing a man can do is start guessing. Do you remember that excellent milk commercial where he drank the last of the milk, and he thinks she's found out about his prison record or the fake diamond he gave her? NEVER let that happen!

 

I think the best approach if you notice something's not right with her is to take a deep breath, relax as much as possible, and then pretend to be her best girlfriend. Try saying something like - "What's going on sweetie? You look like you're having a tough time." Try to avoid saying "you look upset" or "you look like you're about to go psycho" or "what is it with you!? - are you on the rag or something?"

 

If she sighs, looks away and says "It's nothing", that means it's something, but she can't quite articulate it right now.

 

In that case your best move is to put your arm around her (if she'll let you), and say very gently "Well I'm always here. If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know."

 

Then just stay nearby. If she's not permanently psycho she'll probably eventually fill you in, or at least give you a clue.

 

Where have you been. I've been looking for you!

I've been looking for you too!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

A broken heart will eventually heal, as long as you want it to.

 

As Carly Simon says "So don't mind if I fall apart, there's more room in a broken heart....... and I believe in love, what else can I do..... I'm so in love with you."

 

WOW!

[Haohmaru]

Thanks for the effort, Calamitous, but I still feel a little confused. I'll ask the question in a different way.

 

Ok so I'm like this total "Caveman Theorist" -- all our behaviors somehow derive from surviving all these millions of years. Example. Men are better at one-track focusing while women are better at multitasking. This is because while Cavemen were out hunting with their rock spear, they had to focus ALL their attention on the boar in front of them or they weren't coming home. The Cavewomen, who'd have to cook the meat, pick the berries, and do everything else while at home, had to be better multitaskers or the Caveman's effort would go to waste.

 

Thustly, in a Cave-relationship, the most focused man and the most multitasking woman have the best chance of survival.

 

Now -- what does the woman's need to have her "mind read" derive from? What advantage does it give her and her mate for survival?

[Pyro]

As Carly Simon says "So don't mind if I fall apart, there's more room in a broken heart....... and I believe in love, what else can I do..... I'm so in love with you."

 

WOW!

 

Is that a compliment to my response then?:bunny:

[CalamitousJane]

Now -- what does the woman's need to have her "mind read" derive from? What advantage does it give her and her mate for survival?

 

I don't think it's a "need" - I think it's a side-effect of the "female multi-tasking" vs "male one-track focus" survival mechanisms.

 

Not understanding those mechanisms in the opposite sex can keep us from communicating with each other. Unfortunately, that level of communication between the sexes is not necessary for procreation to occur, so the ability to understand each other deeply has not been selected for.

 

The deal is that women's selected-for multi-tasking abilities make it WAY easier for them to pick up subtle clues and hints and create an accurate "big picture" that can seem like mind-reading to a man. Men often suck at this. Men are way better at grunting and pointing when they want something. Women often suck at this. It's no one's fault.

 

People tend to think that other people are like them. Therefore if I (as a female) have pretty good mind-reading skills, I expect that you do too. If you aren't reading my mind, I might think you just don't care enough to bother.

 

You, as a man, are probably fairly good at direct communication, and you might therefore expect me to be the same way. If I'm not being clear and direct about my desires, you might think I'm purposely trying to drive you insane.

 

The more we both try not to take it personally, the better we'll get along.

[Haohmaru]

Wow. That's pretty good. I related to that like...a lot, Calamitous. Does that mean I'm a girl??

 

(I love that little rabbit head)

[CalamitousJane]

Wow. That's pretty good. I related to that like...a lot, Calamitous. Does that mean I'm a girl??

 

(I love that little rabbit head)

 

Maybe it means I'm a boy.

[sedgwick]

I agree with Jane (as usual!) As for the mind-reading thing, I try not to expect men to do it, because I know it drives you guys nuts. But sometimes it does seem really blatantly obvious. I do think women tend to be extra-perceptive, and often extra-sensitive. But if you're a guy and you want to know how to get around this, hear me now and believe me later: just tell her you love her. Ask her if she knows how awesome you think she is.

 

My ex-husband and still best friend and I have something we've done for years: when we're down, we say, "Tell me one thing you love about me." What's great is when someone tells you one thing they love about you without you having to ask. Tell her one thing you love about her, and tell her when she's not expecting it. This goes a looooooooooong way!

 

And to respond to an earlier thought: bugs are cute. Babies are gross.

[norajane]

Now -- what does the woman's need to have her "mind read" derive from? What advantage does it give her and her mate for survival?

 

We expect you to know when you've done something that hurt us. And if we have to tell you you've done something to hurt us in order to get an apology, it throws salt on the wound.

 

Example: If man has done nothing for her birthday/anniversary/Valentine's Day, it shouldn't take any mind-reading for man to understand why woman is upset even if she doesn't tell him flat out.

 

The things that men think they need to read minds to know, women believe men should be aware enough to know without having to spell it out. It leads us to think men aren't paying attention, aren't sensitive enough, don't care, or are actively avoiding the obvious.