Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Im 21 and in college my gf and I have been dating for almost exactly two years and slowly she's gained about ten to fifteen pounds. I have encouraged her to come to the gym and to eat better in very polite ways but, she never seems to listen or she just gets mad at me for bringing it up. As of recently I have felt less and less attracted to her physically and she has noticed this as well, This has led to me telling her the truth about how i feel about the weight gain about 4 months ago. I have continued to invite her to the gym with me and she has made small efforts to come but only, because she thinks ill be dissappointed. It's not a big deal to me if she gains weight there are many reasons that people do this but when we have these conversations she twists my words and makes them sound much worse then they are. I love this girl and could never leave her, because she is honestly everything to me. But, at the same time there are expectations that everyone has about the relationship sometimes these can change but for the most part many of them are constant. I feel as though it's kind of rude for her to put on this weight and make no real effort to please me. I do many things to keep her happy and have changed things about my life (not me) to keep her happy in the relationship. The fact that she will not make an effort frustrates me and i really don't know what to do, because I want a gf who i am very physically attracted to as i used to be to her, because I'm in college the prime of my life. I want a more fit gf but I couldn't imagine feeling the same way about anyone but her. I need help I'm stuck. If I'm the jerk tell. Anything will help I just want to fix this situation.
sally4sara Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 You might help your thread along if you tell us how tall she is, her initial weight, and her current weight. Simply saying she gained 10 to 15 pounds doesn't tell us much. Maybe she was a tall stick of a girl to begin with. Maybe she was a curvy little girl to begin with. We also don't know what your preference typically is and it might not be a realistic healthy weight for her to begin with.
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Gaining 10-15 pounds in two years, especially in your early 20s, isn't gaining a lot of weight so I'm kind of skeptical about your expectations of healthy women's bodies. In other words, you might be the jerk here. How tall is she? I'm 5'8 and people hardly notice when I gain 10 pounds. Do you think it's fair to expect that she will keep her early twenties' figure for the rest of her life? Do you want someone slender or someone attractive?
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 she is about 5 6" and she was very athletic when we began dating. I strongly prefer not skinny but firm women and it's not just the weight, but the activity level that bothers me. I obviously don't expect her to keep her figure forever but when we are both only twenty one it would still be nice to enjoy it while we are still able to. I have stayed fit, but I feel as though since she's in a stable relationship she has stopped putting forth the same effort as when she was single and this is what frustrates me.
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 she is about 5 6" and she was very athletic when we began dating. I strongly prefer not skinny but firm women and it's not just the weight, but the activity level that bothers me. I obviously don't expect her to keep her figure forever but when we are both only twenty one it would still be nice to enjoy it while we are still able to. I have stayed fit, but I feel as though since she's in a stable relationship she has stopped putting forth the same effort as when she was single and this is what frustrates me. I feel as though it's kind of rude for her to put on this weight and make no real effort to please me. Ah the effort to please you. Do you feel that she makes no effort to please you in any areas of your relationship, or do your feelings pertain perticularly to keeping herself attractive? By that, I mean, does she make an effort to compromise? To communicate? To do little things that make you happy? To let you know she loves and cares for you? Is this linked to a general feeling of negligence, or is it really all about her looks?
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I love her so much because she is so great and i'm neglected in that sense of the word so yes i would say that this is about 75% a physical problem. But my whole point is something about her changed and I'm finding myself less attracted to her. I feel like this is not only something thats happening to soon since we're only 21 but that she should make more of an effort on her appearence for me and her. It's not as tho i used to be less active as well and now i want her to join me. What's so wrong about me expected to enjoy our youth and health as i did when we started dating
sally4sara Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 So she weighs how much currently? All I know is she is 5'6". I'm trying to get a clearer idea of what weight is an issue with you. If she is 5'6", she should weight a minimum of 124lbs at her age and a maximum of 148lbs.
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I love her so much because she is so great and i'm neglected in that sense of the word so yes i would say that this is about 75% a physical problem. But my whole point is something about her changed and I'm finding myself less attracted to her. I feel like this is not only something thats happening to soon since we're only 21 but that she should make more of an effort on her appearence for me and her. It's not as tho i used to be less active as well and now i want her to join me. What's so wrong about me expected to enjoy our youth and health as i did when we started dating Well in all likelyhood she's still young and healthy. I'm trying to establish exactly what you are striving for. It's normal for women to go from a 'teenage' body to a more 'curvy body' in their very early 20s. So even if she was more active, she might not lose the weight. Would it make you feel better if she was more active or is it really her new body type that you find less attractive. Is it attitude or body type?
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 In someways both I feel as though she knows I wouldn't leave her over it, but it's more that she is less active I understand that she is and will most likely continue to go through changes and I'm alright with that, weight is not necesarrily a good descriptor of the changes. She used to have more muscle because she was physically active and i found that very attractive. I feel like she knows I'm here and with her and she can neglect the physical asspect our relationship, I feel very shallow but it does affect my attraction to her... It's tough for me to understand why it is that I can't ask her to do this for me... and I don't want to hurt her but, she doesn't seem to care.
norajane Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 In someways both I feel as though she knows I wouldn't leave her over it, but it's more that she is less active I understand that she is and will most likely continue to go through changes and I'm alright with that, weight is not necesarrily a good descriptor of the changes. She used to have more muscle because she was physically active and i found that very attractive. I feel like she knows I'm here and with her and she can neglect the physical asspect our relationship, I feel very shallow but it does affect my attraction to her... It's tough for me to understand why it is that I can't ask her to do this for me... and I don't want to hurt her but, she doesn't seem to care. If she asked you to pack on 20 more pounds of muscle because she loves guys who have broad shoulders, large muscly arms and legs, would you?
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I have two answers to that and the first is I would try but that's a tall order considering I already weight train at least four days a week... She has said things she liked and I actually do enjoy trying to work them out for her because I like it, but at the same time I didn't lose twenty pounds of muscle since we started dating. My main concern is am I wrong for wanting her to go to the gym with me like she used to because I enjoyed her company, her effort, and i found i was more attracted to her before
norajane Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 What I think is wrong is this sense of entitlement you have that she should weigh a certain amount to please you. And what else I would find wrong here is that you don't seem to have tried to find out from her WHY she no longer goes to the gym with you. If she's stressed out and busy with a lot of other things, the gym might be a low priority for her at this point in time. Or she might have started hating the gym and doesn't want to go anymore - I go through phases where I love running, and then don't want to do it anymore, and then I love kickboxing, but then I don't want to do it anymore, etc. If you think she's fat and she doesn't think so, she's not going to have the same sense of urgency to lose any weight. She might not care about her weight as much as you do, or she might like how she looks! If you are truly just sad that she no longer wants to go to the gym with you and you feel the loss of her company, find something else to do together that you BOTH enjoy.
twice_shy Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Im 21 and in college my gf and I have been dating for almost exactly two years and slowly she's gained about ten to fifteen pounds. I have encouraged her to come to the gym and to eat better in very polite ways but, she never seems to listen or she just gets mad at me for bringing it up. As of recently I have felt less and less attracted to her physically and she has noticed this as well, This has led to me telling her the truth about how i feel about the weight gain about 4 months ago. I have continued to invite her to the gym with me and she has made small efforts to come but only, because she thinks ill be dissappointed. It's not a big deal to me if she gains weight Huh? you say its not a big deal if she gains weight, but then say you are less attracted to her. I'd say thats a pretty big deal. You can't say you don't like the fact she has gained weight, then come back and say its not a big deal. It doesn't work that way. there are many reasons that people do this but when we have these conversations she twists my words and makes them sound much worse then they are. I love this girl and could never leave her, because she is honestly everything to me. But only if she is thin right? But, at the same time there are expectations that everyone has about the relationship sometimes these can change but for the most part many of them are constant. I feel as though it's kind of rude for her to put on this weight and make no real effort to please me. Its rude of her to put on weight? Do you hear yourself? Its like she is doing this to piss you off or something. I do many things to keep her happy and have changed things about my life (not me) to keep her happy in the relationship. Such as? I'm sure the things you have changed, unless it is working out all the time, are easy to correct. Do you realize how hard it is for some people to lose weight once they get past the teeny bopper age? I am not overweight, but I have to work my as$ off at it. Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by because I'm too busy working out. The fact that she will not make an effort frustrates me and i really don't know what to do, because I want a gf who i am very physically attracted to as i used to be to her, because I'm in college the prime of my life. I want a more fit gf but I couldn't imagine feeling the same way about anyone but her. I need help I'm stuck. If I'm the jerk tell. Anything will help I just want to fix this situation. Well I'm not gonna call you a jerk, but you can do that for yourself if you wish. Dude, 10 or 15 lbs is not overweight by any means, now if she gained 70 pounds or looks like Jabba The Hutt, I can see a point, and then it would be a matter of health rather than superficial expectations. Maybe you just need to find yourself that perfect bodied girl. There will be someone else that would appreciate her at the weight she is at.
twice_shy Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 On another note, I can totally understand people not wanting to work out. Its not for everyone. There are people that go to the gym all the time and don't lose a pound because they didn't change their eating habits. Now that is something she could do is change her eating habits a bit and that wouldn't be such a huge sacrifice. But she should go it for herself, not to please you.
Lizzie60 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I am on your side on this... People don't get overweight overnight...but slowly taking 10, 15, 20, 25 and never doing anything to get back in shape.. that's how people become obese.. negligence.. laziness.. I see it as a health problem as well in the long run... and yes, I am not especially attracted to overweight people... I take care of myself.. so I would expect my partner to do the same... You are not selfish, you are realistic and you DO care for her... because if she doesn't watch her weight now... she won't later, then the pregnancies won't help.. she HAS to take measures to stay fit NOW.
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I think you said some nice things in there, I do feel entitlement, however I don't see why it's wrong for me to feel this. It might just be partially, because I'm young and this is my first relationship that has been over six months and I kind of feel like I'm missing out. My gf is def. worth missing out for but I just wish there was some way that it could happen without damaging what we have. I'm really just trying to sort out my thoughts because I feel frustrated over it. I think trying to get her to become more active with me is a good idea but, I've tried that too I even took yoga with her and she hated it. It seems like for a while she just wants to nap or watch tv with me. I really would just like to find myself as attracted to her as i was
Lizzie60 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I think you said some nice things in there, I do feel entitlement, however I don't see why it's wrong for me to feel this. It might just be partially, because I'm young and this is my first relationship that has been over six months and I kind of feel like I'm missing out. My gf is def. worth missing out for but I just wish there was some way that it could happen without damaging what we have. I'm really just trying to sort out my thoughts because I feel frustrated over it. I think trying to get her to become more active with me is a good idea but, I've tried that too I even took yoga with her and she hated it. It seems like for a while she just wants to nap or watch tv with me. I really would just like to find myself as attracted to her as i was Unfortunately, I think your gf is plain lazy... she rather cuddle and watch TV instead of going out for a walk or something... You're still young.. she's not the one... you'll have other girls... don't worry... because you already are less and less attracted as it is.. it will only go downward if she doesn't do anything about it. Maybe you love her more than she loves you.. and she is not ready to put in the effort to stay in shape for you.
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I think you said some nice things in there, I do feel entitlement, however I don't see why it's wrong for me to feel this. It might just be partially, because I'm young and this is my first relationship that has been over six months and I kind of feel like I'm missing out. My gf is def. worth missing out for but I just wish there was some way that it could happen without damaging what we have. I'm really just trying to sort out my thoughts because I feel frustrated over it. I think trying to get her to become more active with me is a good idea but, I've tried that too I even took yoga with her and she hated it. It seems like for a while she just wants to nap or watch tv with me. I really would just like to find myself as attracted to her as i was I don't know where you live - but is it winter there? I live in Canada and I know that I tend to go on 'hibernate' mode in the winter, where I prefer to stay home and watch tv rather then brave the cold and go to the gym. Have you noticed if maybe she is more active in the summer then the winter? I also wonder what you think you are missing out on? The dating life? Picking up other women with different bodies? I don't know, I just get a hunch that your decreased attraction has very little to do with her weight or even how she looks. It's normal for attraction levels to fluctuate in relationships and maybe you're just trying to pin point why yours has dropped recently. Maybe you're worried that your level of attraction is going to stay low. I think if you can pinpoint the underlying cause to your worries, it'll likely rise up again.
sally4sara Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Why is this guy afraid to say just how much his girl weighs? I get the feeling he knows her current weight is absolutely normal. She has probably just filled out being that she is at the age when that naturally happens.
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Twice Shy. when you pull apart pieces of my text it really doesn't get my whole point across and as for another girl I truly care for this girl and want to marry her. You can't just pull out one or two of my jumbled feelings and say that i'm entirely wrong I'm just looking for advice. Maybe my word choice isn't always the best but if you read it all and put yorself in my shoes maybe it could be easier to see how I feel. I'm not a super vapid terrible guy, and I do plenty of nice thngs for my gf. I just feel like me and everyone else have certain expectations for a relationship. Maybe you're right maybe the gym isn't for her but I would like for her to care more about how i perceive her as well as she does. I do the same for her
sally4sara Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Unfortunately, I think your gf is plain lazy... she rather cuddle and watch TV instead of going out for a walk or something... You're still young.. she's not the one... you'll have other girls... don't worry... because you already are less and less attracted as it is.. it will only go downward if she doesn't do anything about it. Maybe you love her more than she loves you.. and she is not ready to put in the effort to stay in shape for you. Lizzie, he won't say what her weight is. Calling her out for being lazy is one thing if she's hit 160 at her height. But if she isn't over her proper weight she shouldn't be getting pressured by him to be underweight.
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I honestly don't know her current weight and i said weight isn't a good measure. Her body composition has changed though alot... she's really not that much bigger And i'm really obviously not afraid oto say something. I'm just looking for soome advice
norajane Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I just feel like me and everyone else have certain expectations for a relationship. Maybe you're right maybe the gym isn't for her but I would like for her to care more about how i perceive her as well as she does. I do the same for her Maybe she is perceiving you as superficial and overly obsessed with going to the gym when she would much rather bond with you and cuddle. Would you care if that's how she perceived you, would you care enough to change that about yourself? Would you drop your gym time to 3 days a week so you can cuddle more often with your gf? If not, then you're asking her to change for you without question, when you would not actually do the same for her.
Author Collegiate21 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I know she's no where near 160 tho. I'm 175 and I'm five ten. 160 doesn't seem right on the edge to me though. I don't think I need to find someone else tho lizzie Idk maybe it's something like kammile said idk
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