JustBreathe Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 My H and I are still together despite his affairs with women and b.j.s with prosties, etc. over a period of 15 years in our 25 year marriage. I do not love him anymore. I don't think he loves me anymore either. I guess my resentment and his guilt and anger have been too much and our marriage is over. I am only waiting for my youngest to graduate high school - 3.5 years to go. I don't know what he's waiting for, but I supsect the same thing. We don't argue anymore as I don't care what he thinks and he just doesn't want to deal with anything. That's fine with me usually. When we do speak it's about kids, dinner, etc. There is no intimate connection anymore. Ordinarly I am okay with this situation. I don't care to be close to him and I think he feels the same way. I'm just biding my time. But sometimes, like today, it would be nice to have someone to talk to about just general day to day crapola, someone to phone up just to say hi, like we used to years ago. To share a joke with or something crazy that happened at work. To ask howz your day going, things like that. Go to the gym with. I can't believe during all those years he could do this every day stuff with me, kiss me goodbye and hug me when he got home, make love to me, buy me flowers sometimes, and then be running around with anything with a heartbeat. I admit it. I am human and it hurts very much. Wish I didn't care. He said he's reserved a weekend away in Sonoma for Valentines Day. I told him to cancel as I had a class that starts that weekend. Then I said "Anyway, I am ha-a-rdly your valentine." He didn't say anything at all. I truly cannot wait to divorce him. I wouldn't have him sitting there on the couch as a constant reminder of what it used to be like between us. It's hard some days to just go about my business. I want to move on so badly, but I'm trapped here waiting for my youngest to graduate already.
Geishawhelk Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 No you're not. Trust me, if you were to talk it over sensibly and honestly with your youngest and explain things (without too much detail) your kid might be upset, but they'd appreciate the honesty, and they'd get over it. How they'd come down in the end, only time would tell. but if they're sensible, they won't take sides. So actually, you have nothing stopping you. if you are sacrificing any possible happiness for the good of others, you're being a martyr, and nobody will tank you for it, least of all, you. There's nothing to stop you getting a divorce under way. Even if you live under the same roof for a while (so what else is new?) at least things will be on a roll. There are other hidden, subconscious issues for why you're not moving on with a split. In every situation we find ourselves staying in, even though it seems completely mindless and irrational, there is a pay-off. It may not be obvious, but really, there is. And i'm not talking about financial security, practicalities and the kids. (These actually serve to justify your actions, but they mask the real reason.) The trick is to see it. Then deal with it.
Elena62 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 My H and I are still together despite his affairs with women and b.j.s with prosties, etc. over a period of 15 years in our 25 year marriage. I do not love him anymore. I don't think he loves me anymore either. I guess my resentment and his guilt and anger have been too much and our marriage is over. I am only waiting for my youngest to graduate high school - 3.5 years to go. I don't know what he's waiting for, but I supsect the same thing. We don't argue anymore as I don't care what he thinks and he just doesn't want to deal with anything. That's fine with me usually. When we do speak it's about kids, dinner, etc. There is no intimate connection anymore. Ordinarly I am okay with this situation. I don't care to be close to him and I think he feels the same way. I'm just biding my time. But sometimes, like today, it would be nice to have someone to talk to about just general day to day crapola, someone to phone up just to say hi, like we used to years ago. To share a joke with or something crazy that happened at work. To ask howz your day going, things like that. Go to the gym with. I can't believe during all those years he could do this every day stuff with me, kiss me goodbye and hug me when he got home, make love to me, buy me flowers sometimes, and then be running around with anything with a heartbeat. I admit it. I am human and it hurts very much. Wish I didn't care. He said he's reserved a weekend away in Sonoma for Valentines Day. I told him to cancel as I had a class that starts that weekend. Then I said "Anyway, I am ha-a-rdly your valentine." He didn't say anything at all. I truly cannot wait to divorce him. I wouldn't have him sitting there on the couch as a constant reminder of what it used to be like between us. It's hard some days to just go about my business. I want to move on so badly, but I'm trapped here waiting for my youngest to graduate already. Maybe he is waiting, maybe he's in the status quo living it one day at a time. If your man is a planner then he has plans he hasn't discussed with you yet. But if he's not a planner he doesn't know and will wait for a sign from you. When the talking stops that's when it's really dead. When the REAL intimacy stops it really does feel like it's over. That he reserved a weekend away for V-day means that he wants to reach out in some way but doesn't know how. Of course you wish you didn't care, but deep down you do - you're just hurting and rightly so. It happened to me, I got hurt like that and I hung in there. Before it's all too late, sit down and talk to him, ask for MC. Even if it's to sort through your feelings of neglect, hurt, pain of the years he has abused your marriage. Both of you must find a place where you are both equally as honest with one another about your roles within the marriage and how it all started to go wrong. If divorce is the way forward for you both at least with MC you can actually talk this out and have an amicable ending to the years you've both invested in this. If he refuses MC why not try IC? I'm so sorry you're hurting. We all want to be loved and to be able to show love and have someone to share with. I had to rediscover myself after years of investment in my M, and it's come with heavy costs. I know my H had to do the same, he's only human. But some of the best things I have done have been with other W - like go out for evenings for a walk on the beach, or kayaking, some traveling, book clubs. I connected with other W and built up some very strong friendships that have got me through some of the very dark thoughts and feelings I've had. Without my girlfriends I would have been lost. Maybe it's time to rediscover you? And to really discover if there is any chance for either reconciliation or a decent and amicable end to your marriage. *hugs*
GeorgiaSongbird Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 That he reserved a weekend away for V-day means that he wants to reach out in some way but doesn't know how. Elena, I thought this too (great minds, hmm?). Why would he do this unless he was in some way reaching out? Does he normally do things like this for you at holidays and birthdays just out of habit or was this something new?
sally4sara Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Elena, I thought this too (great minds, hmm?). Why would he do this unless he was in some way reaching out? Does he normally do things like this for you at holidays and birthdays just out of habit or was this something new? Sometimes it means nothing. I watched my ex father-in-law throw a huge birthday party for his wife and then he took her on a cruise. All this while in an affair with one of his co-workers. 2 months later, he filed for divorce. The only thing I can figure (since she told me he was wretched to her on the cruise) was he did these things out of guilt because he already knew what he was going to do. OP might have better insight as to why her husband would plan a trip for them; she's known him for a long time.
GeorgiaSongbird Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Sometimes it means nothing. I watched my ex father-in-law throw a huge birthday party for his wife and then he took her on a cruise. All this while in an affair with one of his co-workers. 2 months later, he filed for divorce. The only thing I can figure (since she told me he was wretched to her on the cruise) was he did these things out of guilt because he already knew what he was going to do. OP might have better insight as to why her husband would plan a trip for them; she's known him for a long time. That's why I asked her if it was new behavior or not. I agree, doing something for his wife might not mean anything. Some people do things out with some motivation other than being nice and wanting to strengthen their marriage. But there is also the possibility that is was his way of trying to reach out to her.
Author JustBreathe Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 See... I don't view myself as a martyr at all. I'm not sacrificing myself for the sake of my children. I am being a responsible parent. I don't have any real plans for meeting another man (god forbid). I don't think I would ever trust one again. So what am I sacrificing? I do miss the things my H and I used to do. But that's because of the constant reminder - his actually physically being in the house. It just gets lonely sometimes. I think it's just seeing him mute and comatose in front of the t.v. every night. Coming to bed at 11:30 PM dropping his head on the pillow and snoring. My having to see him all the time. I wish he'd just go away. I don't even know why he came back. His Valentines Day trip is one of his half hearted attempts at trying to hold onto something that has long since been dead. Been there done that. I don't think I want to go there again. I am in IC. MC did not work because he doesn't say anything. Or if he does, he doesn't tell the complete truth and is vague. We did the MC just after his confession d-day so maybe he wasn't ready and I was too angry. I suggested it one night a couple of months ago and he was only half interested. Said, go ahead and set it up. I'll go. Like I was asking him to a movie. So I didn't set it up. Yes. Maybe I shouldn't wait. We can sell one of our rentals. We could split what little proceeds there might be and get away from each other. But that would mean no more private school for our boys, the public schools here are very bad. The colleges are great though. If I can wait they can go directly from private school to a nice college. If I left now, we'd have to sell the only home they have ever lived in. They have friends, grew up with the kids on the block. Is 3.5 years really that long? We've been married 25? Is 3.5 that much longer to wait? I don't think so. But I'm lonely today.
Elena62 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Is 3.5 years really that long? We've been married 25? Is 3.5 that much longer to wait? I don't think so. But I'm lonely today. No, it's really not that long to wait at all. I waited, too. But I also did something positive, I started to work towards a divorce. We still share the same house, but now I have a life! If it's really over, then you must so something about it. Don't just wait doing nothing about your situation. He has already said he would go to MC. Set your feelings aside and book the sessions. if necessary confront him during the sessions! Have you asked your therapist for guidance on this? Some people don't realise how tough it is living in these types of situations. Your reasons are valid for you. But don't drift, do something POSITIVE a plan of sorts that gets your mind working towards a goal (stay together or part) You can still live together and be legally separated and work towards divorce and put the children through school.
Mustang Sally Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 JustBreathe - I have read all of your past threads. I have to say, I ache for you. Really. I also understand and respect your needing to stay until your kids are all out of the house. Do you think your kids have any idea about what is going on between you and your H?
Author JustBreathe Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Elena, thanks for your comforting words. Yes, I have some outside things I do, but maybe I need more. My Spanish course starts week after next and that will keep me out of the house every weekend for 8 peaceful weekends... I have to keep outside things to a limit because I like to help my boys with their homework. One nice thing about going to college in your middle age is that you can actually help them with math. HAH. He is a planner. I do suspect he has plans for the future, one set for if I stay and one set for if I go. Who cares. Not me. If he winds up with more money than me, I can care less. I just want to be rid of him. Georgia, Sally4, for years I did the planning for such things, but since D-Day I've had no compulsion to do so. He does them now. So I don't think it's habit. He never used to do anything regarding planning trips. So, I don't know why. He's distant all the time, and then plans these trips. Anniversaries. Birthdays. It is puzzling. Maybe he is trying to reach out. We do get along better when we're away alone. Although it will never again be what it once was. It's wierd how he is content to sit there mute on the couch every night, not talking to me much at all, etc., then plan some trip somewhere for Valentines day. It strikes me as strange, you know? Mustang -- Well he did leave us for 4 months and me and the kids were devastated so they definitely should have seen a big change after that. But we don't fight, we stay out of each other's way. We make the effort to get along and be cordial and even friendly. It is just no intimate connection. I used to hang all over him. Now I can hardly stand to touch him most times. He broke my heart and there's no going back for me. Oh well... if I can't talk to him, it is nice having you all to talk to.
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