s_n_d Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Over the last few weeks, Ive been in a constant battle with myself as to whether I should contact the ex via an email or phone call to talk about the THOUSANDS OF MILES that now exist between our "friendship"(for lack of a better word). I know its the best thing for two people to not see eachother for a period of time after a breakup however I find myself constantly struggling to use my MIND instead of my heart right now as it will be best for ME. Ive been doing NC and doing pretty well so far. I know I cant break NC because its helping me but my heart is telling me otherwise. My heart is telling me to keep fighting and never give up on the relationship..My mind is telling me to maintain NC as it might improve chances for a friendship OR more in the future. At this point its like Im beating myself up and still dont feel the pain or reality either. Im so numb. Does anyone else ever feel like after the breakup so much time passes and its all a blur to you? You feel like your dreaming or that your worst nightmare is come true?
serendip Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 My heart is telling me to keep fighting and never give up on the relationship. But a relationship takes two people...what is he doing for the relationship. Is he fighting for it? It just doesn't work if it's only one person doing the work...it becomes a futile fight. Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up...and say I've done all I can...I can do no more. It doesn't mean you are giving up...it just means there is an end. Feel the pain and then release it. My heart still aches with pain from my breakup but I have accepted the fact that 'we' can never be together again.
Haohmaru Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Let's think about the whole heart vs. mind thing. Let's pretend they were both people. What kind of people would they be? Conventional wisdom might say that the HEART would be the nice, caring person and the MIND would be the evil, calculating person. I disagree. Here's why: 1. Your heart only thinks of itself, your mind thinks of survival of the entire body When you feel very strongly about something, your heart takes over your body and makes you do STUPID things. It doesn't care about the rest of you at all -- your pride, your health, even your survival instinct take a distant second to the desires of the heart. For instance: If you see a cute dog in the middle of the road, the first thing your heart tells you is what? SWERVE!! No matter how narrow the road, or who's behind you, or how many other people you might kill by letting the dog live. The heart is SELFISH. When you make a conscious decision led by your mind, you take into consideration your entire being. Let's go with the dog again. Let's say you were on a narrow road, with someone tailgating you. If you swerve to miss the dog, you die, and so does the person behind you. If you hit the dog, you both live. So yes, the mind is calculating, but in the end, who is more human? 2. Your heart is not connected to your instincts (gut), while your mind is Your heart, being the selfish bast@rd it is, has been relegated by the entirety of the body to its own little special doghouse. It has such power, that if it were combined with the power of any other part of the body, it would instigate a hostile takeover and you would turn into an animal of Freud's "id." The mind, having been developed to separate humanity from the animal kingdom, yet finding itself still second in the Congress of the body's decision making process to the heart most of the time, has formed a strategic alliance with a piece of you that NEVER steers you wrong, but is buried underneath thousands of years of "civilizationizing" -- your GUT. No one ever listens to their gut until that feeling is translated consciously into English by the mind. And even then it takes a while. For instance, you know in your gut a certain woman is bad for you. You don't need proof. You can't put your finger on why. You just know. Yet most relationships linger on and on because of the power of the heart until the mind can translate that gut feeling into some tangible language. Moral? Listen to your MIND, because then you are listening to your GUT. Your HEART just gets the fack in the way!!!
MattyTee Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Let's think about the whole heart vs. mind thing. Let's pretend they were both people. What kind of people would they be? Conventional wisdom might say that the HEART would be the nice, caring person and the MIND would be the evil, calculating person. I disagree. Here's why: 1. Your heart only thinks of itself, your mind thinks of survival of the entire body When you feel very strongly about something, your heart takes over your body and makes you do STUPID things. It doesn't care about the rest of you at all -- your pride, your health, even your survival instinct take a distant second to the desires of the heart. For instance: If you see a cute dog in the middle of the road, the first thing your heart tells you is what? SWERVE!! No matter how narrow the road, or who's behind you, or how many other people you might kill by letting the dog live. The heart is SELFISH. When you make a conscious decision led by your mind, you take into consideration your entire being. Let's go with the dog again. Let's say you were on a narrow road, with someone tailgating you. If you swerve to miss the dog, you die, and so does the person behind you. If you hit the dog, you both live. So yes, the mind is calculating, but in the end, who is more human? 2. Your heart is not connected to your instincts (gut), while your mind is Your heart, being the selfish bast@rd it is, has been relegated by the entirety of the body to its own little special doghouse. It has such power, that if it were combined with the power of any other part of the body, it would instigate a hostile takeover and you would turn into an animal of Freud's "id." The mind, having been developed to separate humanity from the animal kingdom, yet finding itself still second in the Congress of the body's decision making process to the heart most of the time, has formed a strategic alliance with a piece of you that NEVER steers you wrong, but is buried underneath thousands of years of "civilizationizing" -- your GUT. No one ever listens to their gut until that feeling is translated consciously into English by the mind. And even then it takes a while. For instance, you know in your gut a certain woman is bad for you. You don't need proof. You can't put your finger on why. You just know. Yet most relationships linger on and on because of the power of the heart until the mind can translate that gut feeling into some tangible language. Moral? Listen to your MIND, because then you are listening to your GUT. Your HEART just gets the fack in the way!!! I liked this post ... but I don't agree Firstly, I believe that intuition comes from somewhere beyond the mind. In an emergency situation very often people will react without thinking - and often the actions they take will save lives or better. Should the mind have become involved, it would have calculated risks, weighed options etc. Instinct has nothing to do with the mind. Secondly, the heart isn't selfish. Love from the heart is about giving something without expecting anything in return. The mind is ego, and ego is the part of us that creates pain, creates misery and creates segregation between us and everyone else. For example, when a University Graduate looks at a street sweeper and tells himself he is a better person for his education, that is the mind. When we look at someone who is rich, or beautiful or clever ... and we compare ourselves to them (favourably or not) then that is our mind. Do you think without ego's running everything (countries, companies, relationships) it would really be worse? When we say to ourselves "I love that person more than anything else in the world" - if that is from the heart then it doesn't matter if they are 'with' us or not. If we love them, we love them. It isn't conditional on whether they do what we want, that again is the mind. Anyway, it's nice to debate it with you
Haohmaru Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Well then, I would give anything to learn when to use the heart to make decisions and when to use the mind. And never be wrong. Huzzah! Give that one a shot!
MattyTee Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Well then, I would give anything to learn when to use the heart to make decisions and when to use the mind. And never be wrong. Huzzah! Give that one a shot! Well, 'learning' implies using the mind. The heart isn't like that ... it comes from a different place, perhaps? We could use the term 'knowing' which also implies the mind, but perhaps also could imply a deeper knowledge, lying just beyond the synapses and electrical impulses... Depends on your perspective I guess. Have you ever noticed little coincidences, or perhaps even little signs in life that you are doing the right thing ... or the wrong thing? Maybe those are the little signposts that guide us along our way. Perhaps the heart is aware of those and tries to let us see them. I'm not taking away the usefulness of the mind, but perhaps suggesting (and this isn't my idea, just something I read - The Power of Now Eckhart Tolle) that the mind is a tool that can be used (and it's a good tool too) but shouldn't be controlling us. Think about all the sub-conscious games that our mind plays on us all the time, all the times we find ourselves trapped by a thought or a repeating situation, all the times when the mind tells us we aren't good enough or anything like that. The ego and mind are addicted to pain ... they'll keep you in it, if you let them.
Author s_n_d Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 MattyTee is right. I absolutely agree with that.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Well I dont want to contradict anybody but I figure the heart and mind and all linked together in the thinking process... Your heart thumps and gets "that feeling" because of your subconcious mind and everything that is processesed in miliseconds without you being aware of it. Why does your heart ache for someone?....well....your brain is telling it to. So in short.....mind rules....the rest goes with it wether you like it or not....so like I said in another post..... Dont force your mind to do anything, let it be.... it will tire itself out on those thoughts and they will eventually dissapear...thats true healing. And no.....dont contact your ex.... I dont and its not that hard (maybe cause im a scorpio and i begin to be resentful), but shes always on my mind...... I just know that when she wants to contact me she will.....like she does sometimes and i keep it calm and colected and very little info. I have read many posts on LS and it seems they call to keep you there on a leash. So the less you tell and the less you seem interested in the "talk" the better for you because the more they wonder and feel some little pain and doubts.... If they want you back they will say it, if they contact and just want to chat....*** it. And who says you would want them back anyway? Could you live with the person again with the thought of the same thing happening all over again and trust them after they made u hurt so much? Once again.....i also say this to myself for my own healing....
Haohmaru Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 OK so SND, you can't agree with MattyTee while saying that what I said made you feel better. You have to pick one. We are at war. Who wins?? :bunny::bunny:
Author s_n_d Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 OK so SND, you can't agree with MattyTee while saying that what I said made you feel better. You have to pick one. We are at war. Who wins?? :bunny::bunny: Honestly, my thinking is a lot like MattyTee's AND yours. So I agree with some things that Matty says and some things that you say. Both of you are very wise, OBVIOUSLY. I simply cannot decide who wins. Hehe.
November Rain Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 (edited) Could you live with the person again with the thought of the same thing happening all over again and trust them after they made u hurt so much? Once again.....i also say this to myself for my own healing.... I ask myself the very same thing...everyday. My heart will say yes. I don't want to throw 15 years out the window. Then my mind takes over and says "Have you lost your MIND"? I think they share control, just be careful to which one you listen too. NC does help, well it's helping me to some degree. Each day it gets a little easier. If I should break NC, all I will be doing is hurting myself. If they wanted to talk to me or be with me they know where to find me. That's what my Mind keeps telling me and in my Heart I have to believe it. That's doesn't mean I am sitting here waiting for that moment. Edited February 8, 2008 by November Rain
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