GRITS07 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I've been separated for 4 months and I have a legal agreement with my soon to be X. My X wouldn't let me go so I finally had to tell him to leave me alone. Last night, he asked me if I'm sure I want a divorce and that's when I got mean. I told him, what the hell did he think I was doing? I'm separated from him, I'm dating, I'm done and if I could divorce you tomorrow, I would. I feel bad but I didn't know what else to do. I tried to say it to him very nicely on several occassions, but he just didnt get it so I decided a more direct approach. Am I wrong? I just want this over with.
mark982 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 i agree with the way you did it.tried being nice,didn't work. so had to go with the next step.a shame you had to ,but now he got the hint. good luck
cj1988 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 My sis had to do the same thing and he still did not get it....it has been 2 years, she has moved on and he will not sign the 3rd set of papers she sent. Now, they are finally going to mediation, but I do not trust him at all not to hurt her.....people are not thinking properly when they are depressed and who knows what he is capable of now?
onward Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 As someone who has been on the other side of this type of conversation... I can say that sometimes there is hope that separation gives both a time to "cool off" and maybe, just maybe avert the divorce. This is probably where his question came from. If you've had this conversation before with him, explained to him that you've really thought it through, and going to the full divorce is what you now want to do, rather than just separation, then your approach was probably the right way to go. My W won't even entertain separation, and apparently just wants divorce...
Author GRITS07 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 The way I see it was my STBX had an affair, shortly after we were married, I tried to stay married but in the end I didn't want to be with him. I left and am starting a new life. The laws in my state require a one year separation before we can get a divorce which is really stupid because it prolongs the inevitable and it puts us on an emotional rollercoaster. If my STBX prolongs the process, I'm going to blow the whistle on him at work. I know, this is extortion or blackmail or whatever you want to call it, but now that I've made up my mind to get a divorce and I've quit feeling guilty about it, I want to get it done.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 The way I see it was my STBX had an affair, shortly after we were married, I tried to stay married but in the end I didn't want to be with him. I left and am starting a new life. The laws in my state require a one year separation before we can get a divorce which is really stupid because it prolongs the inevitable and it puts us on an emotional rollercoaster. If my STBX prolongs the process, I'm going to blow the whistle on him at work. I know, this is extortion or blackmail or whatever you want to call it, but now that I've made up my mind to get a divorce and I've quit feeling guilty about it, I want to get it done. He had an affair right when you was married? WTF was he thinking? Some people can forgive but it doesnt mean that they stay. Has he continued with the Affair woman in any form or fashion?
Lizzie60 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I can't blame you.. I'd be much much meaner... I have no patience with dependant loosers... You weren't mean at all.
Author GRITS07 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 He had an affair right when you was married? Yes. An EA within 6 months of our marriage then a PA after that. Sucks, huh? Yet, he thinks that I should just be able to forget it, forgive him and forge ahead with him. Sorry, can't do it. I was trying to be friendly through the process as I never find it to be a good idea to fight about junk because the only person that profits from the fussing and fighting are the attorneys. We have no children, no financial entaglement, it should be pretty easy. Look, I know he's heart broken, but you know what? So was I. For 3 years I've been recovering from this nightmare he put me in. One day I just decided to wake up and I won't look back.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 You're doing him a favor by being brutally honest with him. Not that you probably care, but he can't move on with his life until he let's go of yours... Mr. Lucky
abeliever Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Gritz07- If you read my orginal and a few other posts of mine, you and I are going thru the same. My H cheated I forgave him then later on he continued cheating and last OW is now pregnant. (not sure it's his tho) At least you are getting out sooner than I did. I beat myself up for not leaving the first time! Water under the bridge I know. Now I am in the last stage and hopefully by this Friday or Monday I will be divorced. Hang in there. I know your pain. But the best part is it forces you to deal with it and move on. I am learning so much about ME! I am really loving that part of it. I am ok with who I am and where I am going. I too, tried to be nice etc at first then he rubbed his OW in my face again and now I am going for it all but the house! Screw him he started it and now I am going to finish it! Best of Luck. abeliever
Author GRITS07 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 he can't move on with his life until he let's go of yours... Thank you for your post but it seems to me that he went on with his life while we were married. He had me and a mistress so he moved on quite happily that is until he got caught. I wanted more than anything for our marriage to work out but you know three years post discovery and I look back and make myself sick thinking that I wanted to stay with someone who carelessly took my loyalty, my devotion and my love and threw it to the wind like it wasn't anything. I feel nothing for him. Wow, I really am over his affair and over him. I've really healed. Yahoo, it's been a long tough road, but I've reached the end and now I look for brighter, happier days and I can't be more excited about my future.
abeliever Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Gritz07 It's been 4 years of this for me too. Yes, I too am over him and his OW's all of them. I am ready to move on 4 years is too long. I look at him and he even says your over me I can feel it. He is 2000% right!!!! I am and it feels great!!! abeliever
Author GRITS07 Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 You know when I first found out about my STBX's affair, I was devastated. I researched and read almost obsessively on how to survive the affair and to save my marriage. I wish I wouldn't have wasted my time. I have to say for those who have years and children involved it probably is worth your while to try to make the marriage work. For me, I am so aggravated at myself for even thinking about saving it, I had no glue to keep it together. I wish I could have the divorce over with tomorrow. The sooner the better for me.
Author GRITS07 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 My STBXH e-mailed me today to tell me that he was concerned about my attitude change. What the hell? The only attitude change that I have had is that I'm closing the door on our marriage - because HE HAD AN AFFAIR! He told me he still loved me and that he was concerned that I was being coached to be aggressive. I've bent over backwards trying to make the split fair and he wants to turn the table. What is up with this? Any advise? I told him that I wasn't ever coming back and that I want to go on with my life. We have nothing more to say to one another. Why is he trying to manipulate me? It's over, I'm done. How else can I get through to him?
Author GRITS07 Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 I got a question. In my state, once you vacate the home, you have to wait a year to file for a divorce. My divorce is uncontested, no issues splitting up assets so it's very simple. The problem is that I don't want to wait a dang year. That's ridiculeous so I want to speed up the process. Do you think it would be okay to lie in court and say that we were separated longer than we really have been. Mentally and emotionally, I have been separated for a while, physically, not as long. My STBX doesn't care one way or another so he'll go along with whatever I say. Any feelings on this?
carhill Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Assuming your recitation of the statute is accurate, what's the rush? Are you getting any legal help with this? Personally, I'd be ecstatic there are no rancorous issues with children or property or support to deal with and just let the process run and move on with my everyday life. Just an instinct but, at some point, STBX will care, and in a perhaps unexpected way. Be prepared for that. Hope I'm wrong...
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I got a question. In my state, once you vacate the home, you have to wait a year to file for a divorce. My divorce is uncontested, no issues splitting up assets so it's very simple. The problem is that I don't want to wait a dang year. That's ridiculeous so I want to speed up the process. Do you think it would be okay to lie in court and say that we were separated longer than we really have been. Mentally and emotionally, I have been separated for a while, physically, not as long. My STBX doesn't care one way or another so he'll go along with whatever I say. Any feelings on this? DO NOT LIE ...just tell the truth. It will be over soon anyway's. If this guy wronged you and you want out. Then what can he say? You can use that year to heal from the impending divorce, get back on your feet and resolve your feelings. Take your time, get your business in order and then when it's time to finalize things then just walk through it. It's cool.
White Flower Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 He had an affair right when you was married? WTF was he thinking? Some people can forgive but it doesnt mean that they stay. Has he continued with the Affair woman in any form or fashion?Chrome, I'm just curious: why is it you can understand G07's sitch but not mine? My H cheated with OW AND he cheated me out of money. Are you moody or something?
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Chrome, I'm just curious: why is it you can understand G07's sitch but not mine? My H cheated with OW AND he cheated me out of money. Are you moody or something? Hmmm well, someday I knew someone would ask that. But check it out. Your cheating right? But then you got cancer too. So you know about your husband's Affairs and gambling problem. and your mad at him about that I get it. But your cheating as well!!! Then you got the nerve to critisize your husband for things he still does!!! WTF??? The pot cannot call the kettle black. You are so hypocritical for what your doing. Getting mad about him having OW's when you actively is F-in an OM? That's what I'm mad about. The thing is Grits husband cheated on her. and she wants out, that's cool because the marital vow's are broken. And she's taking the steps she needs to do to leave. But she's not cheating behind his back as a form of revenge, and lying about it. She's actively moving on with her life without lowering herself to his standards. If she was cheating as well I would tell her the same thing I'm saying to you. Period.
White Flower Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Hmmm well, someday I knew someone would ask that. But check it out. Your cheating right? But then you got cancer too. So you know about your husband's Affairs and gambling problem. and your mad at him about that I get it. But your cheating as well!!! Then you got the nerve to critisize your husband for things he still does!!! WTF??? The pot cannot call the kettle black. You are so hypocritical for what your doing. Getting mad about him having OW's when you actively is F-in an OM? That's what I'm mad about. The thing is Grits husband cheated on her. and she wants out, that's cool because the marital vow's are broken. And she's taking the steps she needs to do to leave. But she's not cheating behind his back as a form of revenge, and lying about it. She's actively moving on with her life without lowering herself to his standards. If she was cheating as well I would tell her the same thing I'm saying to you. Period. Ahh, dear sweet Chrome. The thing you just don't see is your own prejudice toward women in general. See, if it were my H posting my story instead of me you would have said, 'dump the cheatin' b**** and move on, bro!' but since I am a woman I am the devil in your eyes. You must've forgotten that I asked my H to leave years ago after he refused counseling; I asked him if he'd like an open M, and he refused to leave or work any sort of sitch out. He decided we'd be roommates and at that point I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Well, I wasn't going to sit around in chains and shackles, Chrome. Wasn't gonna do it just because he claims he's the boss. He can blame the man in the mirror for the demise of our marriage because it happened long before MM came along. But I won't waste my time having any further discussions with you because apparently you skip the important details I put so much energy into typing. Grits, sorry for the little tiff b/w Chrome and me. I hope you get your speedy divorce so you can go out and do want you really want.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Ahh, dear sweet Chrome. The thing you just don't see is your own prejudice toward women in general. See, if it were my H posting my story instead of me you would have said, 'dump the cheatin' b**** and move on, bro!' but since I am a woman I am the devil in your eyes. You must've forgotten that I asked my H to leave years ago after he refused counseling; I asked him if he'd like an open M, and he refused to leave or work any sort of sitch out. He decided we'd be roommates and at that point I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Well, I wasn't going to sit around in chains and shackles, Chrome. Wasn't gonna do it just because he claims he's the boss. He can blame the man in the mirror for the demise of our marriage because it happened long before MM came along. But I won't waste my time having any further discussions with you because apparently you skip the important details I put so much energy into typing. Grits, sorry for the little tiff b/w Chrome and me. I hope you get your speedy divorce so you can go out and do want you really want. Once again, the pot cannot call the kettle black You cannot come from a victims viewpoint when you actually an perportrator yourself WF. Dont you understand. I tell everyone the same thing. File for divorce, seperate and then move on. I am a equal opportunity columnist. lol. What is it so hard for you to understand that, you had a choice. Yeah as a man he doesnt have to leave, if he doesnt pose a threat in the house he probably couldnt be forced out legally. You could have moved to the couch. Started employing the 180, working out, making moves to emotionally make yourself feel better. I truly get that he has emotionally abused you and ruined the marriage. But you could have just followed the 180, filed for divorce and kept to the high ground but you want this OM to save you from the marriage makes what your husband did no less painful in my eyes. Again, the pot cannot call the kettle black.
Author GRITS07 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Wow. Quite an exchange. Okay, I need to come clean too. I'm separated and have been, but I have recently met someone that I am very smitten with. I hope you all don't think that's cheating. I had resigned myself to think that I would live alone, but a wonderful man walked into my life. It's like a second chance at life. The road I went down was very difficult, sad and I never want to go back to that "dark" place. I am happier now than I can ever remember. I guess that's why I want a divorce a little quicker than a year - it's because I don't want this baggage and I want to date my new guy without feeling like I am cheating. My marriage is over, I want it to be, I'm finished being a victim - I now am a survivor and I just want to move on.
White Flower Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Once again, the pot cannot call the kettle black You cannot come from a victims viewpoint when you actually an perportrator yourself WF. You have no idea what you're talking about. You cannot rewrite history and say I was never a victim of a WS. He did it. It happened. You cannot change that. Just because I found someone later it does not change the fact he did that. And I think my 'victimization' if that's what you want to call it adds flavor to my story and all the more experience to my perspective. Don't try to cancel out his cheating with mine. I only participated in mine when I intuitively knew it was over. He participated in his when our M was still salvageable and thought he could get away with it. Dont you understand. I tell everyone the same thing. File for divorce, seperate and then move on. I am a equal opportunity columnist. lol.I began preparing when the time was right. What is it so hard for you to understand that, you had a choice. Yeah as a man he doesnt have to leave, if he doesnt pose a threat in the house he probably couldnt be forced out legally. You could have moved to the couch. Started employing the 180, working out, making moves to emotionally make yourself feel better.He's on the couch and I did those things to feel better including having a friendship with OM. But why am I supposed to stay faithful to someone I know I'm divorcing? Just because it looks better to people like you? I truly get that he has emotionally abused you and ruined the marriage.If you did, you wouldn't be stuck on the following... But you could have just followed the 180, filed for divorce and kept to the high ground but you want this OM to save you from the marriage makes what your husband did no less painful in my eyes.What makes you think the OM is going to save me from the marriage? And makes what no less painful than what? Look, I gave H every chance to fix things. So what if I found a friend to help me forget about the hell once in a while during the D process. I spare the details from H who doesn't care to communicate about it and it's over soon anyway. Again, the pot cannot call the kettle black. This saying is so old and should be replaced or updated. If the pot is black and the kettle is black and they both recognize they are black then why the heck can't they call each other black? Chrome, don't you recognize the fact that I know what I'm doing? Nobody knows my H better than I do. If I 'took the high road' he would have pretended to try to save the M and I would have fallen for it again. Having him hate me even though at this point he cannot prove anything helps the D along. He won't stay with a cheat (albeit an intuitive feeling on his part) and that is what I need him to feel in order to progress with the D. GRITS, I had a feeling this was the case (being sweet on someone new) and I hope that doesn't come off as arrogant. By all means, get your D and move on. Otherwise you'll have to deal with the above bantering, lol. And thanks for your candor--it is so refreshing. I have to admit though, sometimes when we defend our story we learn a bit more about ourselves. So, thanks Chrome.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 You have no idea what you're talking about. You cannot rewrite history and say I was never a victim of a WS. He did it. It happened. You cannot change that. Just because I found someone later it does not change the fact he did that. And I think my 'victimization' if that's what you want to call it adds flavor to my story and all the more experience to my perspective. Don't try to cancel out his cheating with mine. I only participated in mine when I intuitively knew it was over. He participated in his when our M was still salvageable and thought he could get away with it. I do know what I'm talking about and I'm not rewriting anything, you are. I never said you wasnt the victim but he's cheating and your cheating. Two wrongs dont make it right. I began preparing when the time was right. Whoopdee do, good for you. Now let's see if your strong enough to do this on your own. Without a so called "Friend". He's on the couch and I did those things to feel better including having a friendship with OM. But why am I supposed to stay faithful to someone I know I'm divorcing? Just because it looks better to people like you? I never expected anyone to stay faithful, if anything you should know that human beings got free will to do what they want. But always in your posts you sound resentful about his actions now, If your divorcing, Really why should you even care!??? Huh? You dont have to do anything to please me. I want people to go about things the right way, step by step. That way your process of healing will be complete. You ever hear of healing right and healing wrong. Masking your pain by an endorphin rush through cheating is not the right way to heal. But that's just my opinion I could be wrong. What makes you think the OM is going to save me from the marriage? And makes what no less painful than what? Look, I gave H every chance to fix things. So what if I found a friend to help me forget about the hell once in a while during the D process. I spare the details from H who doesn't care to communicate about it and it's over soon anyway. I wouldnt say save you from marriage itself persay but by focusing your feelings on another man so soon, before the papers are signed and plus your going through your cancer surgeries and whatnot is not such a good idea. That's just what I feel. You got a whole lot on your plate right now and your only compounding it. And stop calling him your "Friend" It's really insulting to other's intelligence. This saying is so old and should be replaced or updated. If the pot is black and the kettle is black and they both recognize they are black then why the heck can't they call each other black? Chrome, don't you recognize the fact that I know what I'm doing? Nobody knows my H better than I do. If I 'took the high road' he would have pretended to try to save the M and I would have fallen for it again. Having him hate me even though at this point he cannot prove anything helps the D along. He won't stay with a cheat (albeit an intuitive feeling on his part) and that is what I need him to feel in order to progress with the D. GRITS, I had a feeling this was the case (being sweet on someone new) and I hope that doesn't come off as arrogant. By all means, get your D and move on. Otherwise you'll have to deal with the above bantering, lol. And thanks for your candor--it is so refreshing. I have to admit though, sometimes when we defend our story we learn a bit more about ourselves. So, thanks Chrome. The saying about the pot and kettle is a saying, but the old addage remains true. You cannot call another person out on the same stuff your doing, it looks hypocritical. Why are you being defensive about it? If you would have taken the high road you could have ended the marriage peacefully with self respect, and a sense of closure. Even now you still have this bitterness about your husband, That's why I want you to take the high road because you got issues. And Grits wait until the papers are signed then date. There's gonna be men out there in the world. If anything the guy aint going no where, Just chill out and get on your feet first, what's the rush? And thank you WF.
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