Snap22 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Hey guys... Well I had a rather interesting evening last night... (my back story is at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143139/)... Very Quick Summary: Boyfriend of 4 years (friends for 8) broke my heart 1 week before Xmas, he hadnt worked for the entirety of our relationship, i helped him find a job and he left me for a girl he met there after only three weeks! We've been NC for 3 weeks. Last night I was having a quiet night in with my friends, I settled down for my dinner when the text alert on my phone went off. I planned to ignore it until after dinner but something made me look at the phone. I have since deleted his name from my contact list to stop me wanting to call him (this was a preventative measure i took in the early days of NC but I still know his number off by heart). I opened the message but for a moment didnt recognise the number... It read... ''Hi, Sorry for keeping you waiting so long for your stuff, I'm meeting ____ this weeks to sort out the laptop, How are you doing anyway?'' My heart was in my throat! for weeks I wished he'd call or text but he never did, now I was at a point where I never wanted to speak to him again and here is was asking how I was! I had no choice but to reply to him, (if you see my post about my intended revenge plot you will know why). So I replied with: 'I'm ok, Im starting a college course this month so it would be a great help if i could have the laptop back asap, hope everything is ok with you.'' He then replied (instantly I may add!) 'Im doing good, spending most of time playing computer games and football. You still working at _____?'. I replied: 'Yep, still working at ________. Hows your knew job?'' He replied: 'Its getting boring now, i've got itchy feet you know how it is.' (Basicall that means he's gonna leave in the enxt three months because he cant hold a job.' I said: ''Well I'm off to the gym now so I'll talk to you soon. Take Care.'' I knew it was enevitable that he would contact me about collecting the last of my things but I never thought I would be soooooo mad when he did. This guy used me for four years, lied to me, tore my heart out and stamped on it and then he has the absolute audacity to text me for a chat! Where does he get off?! I could hardly be bothered to exchange pleasantries with him, quite frankly he put me off my dinner. I didnt ask about his GF or personal life because its non of my concern anymore, however, I know his behavioural patterns when things aren't going to well...He disappears into the land of the PS2. If him and this new Girl were working out, why is he spending his days playing PS2 and trying (unsuccessfully) to have polite chats with his ex. I smell sh*t! Whether they are or aren't together doesnt bother me at all anymore. What bothers me is the way he thinks he can just reclaim his place in my life as if he has done nothing wrong. I am so proud of myself today! I was dreading the day he made contact, I thought it would dredge up all the hurt again and I would take 10 steps back. In fact, it has re-inforced the respect I have for myself and the loathing I have for him. A tiny part of me wanted to have a long converstaion with him but the sane part of my brain took control and I was then able to take control of the situation. For the first time in weeks, I feel that I am in control of the break up and my own feelings. I gave him only the info I wanted him to know and I ended the 'chat' on MY terms. I know it must sound really stupid to others, but that was a massive achievment for me especially when I think back to the times I would ring him crying down the phone after we first split. I urge anyone out there who is contacted by thier evil Ex to be controlled, calm, calculating, clever and classy! You will feel like a million dollars the next day.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Don't analyze the texts or what he is going through. Concentrate on what you are going through. The fact that he waited so long to contact you about your stuff and to seem so cavalier, is cause for concern. Get your stuff and move on from him. It seems that he has of you.
Author Snap22 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Hi, Thanks for your reply. He has 100% moved on from me, he did this instantly, that I am sure of. I myself am 100% certain that I will never be able to be with him again even if he begged and begged. Its hard not to analyse his texts when I know him so well and I know what makes him tick. However, this does not mean that I am waiting for signs that he might want me back, quite frankly I couldnt care less what he wants, I am far to concerned with what I want and whats good for me right now. It just angers me so much to think that he thiks its ok just to start up a polite chat about nothing in particular upon his say-so. He assumed that I wanted to talk to him, he should've assumed otherwise.
dfreeman Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Concentrate on what you are going through. ...Oh so true and important! Comments like these on LS put me in such a good mind space when I was moving out on Sunday. She tried to send me off with bitterness and anger - I responded with kindness and indifference. I was still a little sad and angry when I got to my new place, but I was beaming with pride that I made one of the hardest days of my life totally about me and my healing! Snapp said, "I myself am 100% certain that I will never be able to be with him again even if he begged and begged." I hope that you mean this more than I do when I say it to myself
Author Snap22 Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Snapp said, "I myself am 100% certain that I will never be able to be with him again even if he begged and begged." I hope that you mean this more than I do when I say it to myself It took alot of soul searching to realise if I really meant this before I said it to myself, my friends or anyone on LS. I realised that I could never ever take him back now or even in 20years time because the hurt he has caused has just been so unbearable at time. I'm now getting my life togther without him and I couldn't risk all the hard work and tears a second time. You will also mean this one day too, it will take a really insignificant moment to make you realise that you are worth more than what you have been through. For me it happened on xmas night, I was standing alone in my friends kitchen smoking my 1000th cigerette of the day when I started to logically process everything that had happened (he broke up with me two weeks before xmas), I actually started talking to him aloud as if he were in the room (crazy I know) but it seemed to help. When the reality of how he treated me sank in, I got more and more angry with myself and from that point on I decided that I was done with sobbing every minute of every day, I was tired with looking like cr*p, I was tored of him. It was far from easy but I forced myself to start making positive steps forward, I still cry but not all the time. Keep going, you will mean it one day.
FlyByNite Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Hey Snap - it sounds like you are really on the way to getting there - well done you! My take on the whole texts thing is that he is feeling guilty about the way he treated you, so if he can reopen conversations with you now, that somehow makes it 'OK'. Look at it from his perspective, if he calls you and you are in pieces and begging him to come back -that makes him feel desired and that he will always have you as a back up, if you have moved on with your life and are fine, then he is absolved on guilt over how he treated you because he hasn't done any damage. I'm going through the same sort of texts at the moment - though we haven't done NC (as we need to speak to sort out financials etc), and I think my ex just wants me to make him feel better for leaving. There is always a third possibility in that he wants you back of course, but that would have to be on your terms and your terms only. Trust me, I stupidly took my ex back after a week of NC on October - and he just walked out again a couple of weeks ago - probably because he fetl that I would always be there if he wanted me. I am trying hard to get to a place where I would be able to do what you have - but don't be surprised if he comes crawling back because you haven't reacted how he thought you would.
dfreeman Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Snapp said, When the reality of how he treated me sank in, I got more and more angry with myself and from that point on I decided that I was done with sobbing every minute of every day, I was tired with looking like cr*p, I was tored of him. It was far from easy but I forced myself to start making positive steps forward, I still cry but not all the time. Keep going, you will mean it one day. Good for you in finally seeing it! For me and my ex, it was her constant anger and unhappiness coming out in the form of nagging and controlling behavior that finally cracked me. Our break was mutual, but I actually used sabotage to move it along. So, I'm pretty sure that by doing things to her that I would not normally do in a loving relationship, I knew that I needed to get away. I miss her and my home a great deal, but only because I love her very much as a person - not because we broke off a relationship that should have been saved. In the end, I copped to all the bad stuff I did, but she didn't hint that she would get help with her anger and controlling behavior. Soooo... My best guess (after only 2 days of NC) is that I know I would never get back into the same situation with her, but love has a funny way of making you wish that she would see her end of our problems and come back a different person. That is THE best thing about LS - you are hit with constant reminders that your life during a breakup is no longer about the other person and they were wrong for you PERIOD!
starlite Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Hey Snap- I think you did an absolutely excellent job at handling his texts. It is so much better to take the high road and seem like you are doing just fine without a loser like him in your life...which reads loud and clear through your texts without actually saying the words and sounding bitter. Good for you!!!!!
marlena Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 This guy used me for four years, lied to me, tore my heart out and stamped on it and then he has the absolute audacity to text me for a chat! Where does he get off?! I know how you feel. It is indeed very exasperating when an ex who has treated you horribly suddenly calls up to have a "friendly" chat as if nothing bad at all has transpired between the two of you. Some do it with a sense of entitlement that is infuriating! Why can't they just own up to the situation? If they feel the need to apologize,then, why don't they? If they want you back, why don't they just say so? Calling for a friendly chat is immature not to mention downright insulting. These are probably the very same evasive tactics and non-confrontational methods they used which caused the downfall of the relationship to begin with. Some people never learn the meaning of a relationship. Calling and pretending nothing is wrong only reinforces this. If they are looking for a FWB arrangement that makes it even worse. I'm now getting my life togther without him and I couldn't risk all the hard work and tears a second time. This is all the ammunition you need to move on with your life. One would have to be insane to go back to more heartache and pain. When they call up like this and nonchalantly strike up a chat it only means they are still refusing to face the problems. They are either doing it for validation or to test the waters. Either way, both reasons spell trouble with a capital T. Snap, you are right to protect your heart.
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