sandflea Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Ok - we called off our engagement a month ago and put the house on the market. It was a rough decision - obviously we're both very dissapointed, but life goes on. That's a fact. Here's my situation. She still wants to sleep together, cuddle, share meals, shop for groceries, hang out, go running, and work on the house together. Of course, no sex. Not like that was happening BEFORE the breakup, but anyway - LOL! What makes me angry is - she keeps up this crap, saying how she still loves me, etc (I called it off, BTW) and at the same time, she lies to me, tells me she needs $$ for her car payment (I found out later it was for a downpayment on a new home). Every time I turn my head money is missing from my pockets (I went back to my own checking account after funds went missing). It's terrible! She's such a damn good Liar!!! As for me - I'm striving for NC - civil "working around" one another. I'm moving my bed up to the third floor, and plan to basically make myself comfortable up there. I have a futon and a TV up there, and if I can get a mini fridge and a microwave, I can probably avoid the downstairs altogether. This sucks. SF
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Sandflea, Oh how I feel for you. It makes it impossible to function without them if they are still there! My H and I are living in different bedrooms and he told me he wants NO SEX. Well, one day later he's all up in me wanted to get cozy and give me massages???? WTF? DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER or cuddle.... it's a mistake. It will only cloud your judgment and make you confused. If the break up is what you need, then stick to your guns and give her a few extra $$$ to get out. The quicker this happens the sooner you will at peace. It does suck, but remember one thing: Everything is temporary.....
Author sandflea Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Sandflea, Oh how I feel for you. It makes it impossible to function without them if they are still there! My H and I are living in different bedrooms and he told me he wants NO SEX. Well, one day later he's all up in me wanted to get cozy and give me massages???? WTF? DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER or cuddle.... it's a mistake. It will only cloud your judgment and make you confused. If the break up is what you need, then stick to your guns and give her a few extra $$$ to get out. The quicker this happens the sooner you will at peace. It does suck, but remember one thing: Everything is temporary..... Thanks you so much Blue Eyes. I think they still want control, and that's what it's about. It's certainly not love. It took courage to make this change, and now I need more to see it through. It would be so much easier if I could just bail, but I can't afford two mortgages. Uggh. Maybe I need to get creative... SF
SeraBella Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Is she going to leave soon, since she was putting the down payment on a new house? Can you kick her out? I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really rough and one of those situations you wouldn't wish upon anyone. I'm sorry you have to feel uncomfortable in your own home.
Author sandflea Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Is she going to leave soon, since she was putting the down payment on a new house? Can you kick her out? I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really rough and one of those situations you wouldn't wish upon anyone. I'm sorry you have to feel uncomfortable in your own home. She may. She's always resented the fact that I have another property, and maybe this is her way of evening the score. Realistically, if she can close on a new property - then if this one goes into foreclosure she still has a place.Honestly, I doubt they'll give her a loan unless she has it under contract that this property is sold first. Still, you never know.One of the things that really sucks about relationships when you're pushing 40 is that you both have "stuff" - and you need to work around those assets, and be up front about the "what ifs". It's not very romantic.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Sandflea, Depending on the state/country in which you live in and the years related to the relationship, it maybe a common-law marriage. Has there been an extra activity (cheating involved) by either of you? I keep thinking my H will find someone and leave me alone to collect my thoughts and just be me. My new motto is: I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, than to be with someone for the wrong reasons......
Author sandflea Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Hey BEB - this is Virginia, and we've been living together for nearly 2 years. Part of our problem was moving too fast post-divorce. We went out for like 4 months before she moved in with me out at the beach, then 6 months later we bought this house. I'm amazed I didn't bump into the white elephant in the living room! LOL! (Well, eventually I did). But anyway. You are 150% correct - getting into a relationship simply to avoid being lonely is a HUGE mistake (and a reason many second marriages fail). I know I'll meet someone - when I'm ready. I love falling in love ... It's just when the work starts that you find out who you're dealing with. It was good in the beginning... SF
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Unfortunately, everything is good in the beginning... why do you think we all like beginnings? But I know what you mean. I am emotional starved and love to fall in love. It takes years for me to fall out but now I know that I can, so I have to be extra careful with the next love. I've never been alone and now I have a sick and twisted wanting to be alone. Maybe to reflect and be on my own for the first time in my life. Although, I would love to have a companion to spend all those warm, starry nights with. A hopeless romantic is me. Sandflea - why not lay the ground work. Ask her or discuss a timeline of the separation and then use that timeline for the next step?
Author sandflea Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Unfortunately, everything is good in the beginning... why do you think we all like beginnings? But I know what you mean. I am emotional starved and love to fall in love. It takes years for me to fall out but now I know that I can, so I have to be extra careful with the next love. I've never been alone and now I have a sick and twisted wanting to be alone. Maybe to reflect and be on my own for the first time in my life. Although, I would love to have a companion to spend all those warm, starry nights with. A hopeless romantic is me. Sandflea - why not lay the ground work. Ask her or discuss a timeline of the separation and then use that timeline for the next step? I, too, am looking forward to my solitude, peace and autonomy. I had to go back out to the beach house to fix my tenant's furnace and spent an hour or so alone in the house waiting for the repair man. Looking out at the bay, I wondered why I ever left. It is wonderfully peaceful - very romantic. Beautiful, austere and grande. I was a silly boy to go running off - but now I know. I think next time I'll pay more attention to my gut - you know, those red flag issues. I'll also ensure that I have enough time just for me. My music, my hobbies, etc. I intend to learn from this. Realistically, we do have a timeline. My tenant's lease ends in April. I'll probably wait until May or June to move back. Then? Who knows. I can afford both mortgages for a while, but I can't do it forever. I can smell the salt air in my mind right now. A good book, an umbrella, a comfy beach chair - lord. Thank God I didn't sell the place. Blue Eyes - thank you again for talking me down on this one. I owe ya Peace John
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 No problem, John. Send me some of that salt air - it's cold and rainy by me and I sure could use the sunshine. Post us on any upcoming issues.
sveltskye Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 My sister has been in this situation and she says the key is being very polite.
dfreeman Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I don't still have to live with my ex (did for 1 month after the break), but I do still have to deal with her on matters of our house (moving over bills, repairs that we agreed upon and the actual buyout). My ex has been very cold and curt with me during the whole breakup, but I have been extremely polite and courteous with her. Funny thing is, I think this has been making me feel better and making her even angrier??? My best friend thinks that she might be trying to draw me into a fight about something that she is not comfortable talking out with me (her MO during our entire relationship btw), but I just think she sees me handling this okay (thanks LS peeps) and is angry with me for doing so well with myself since we split. During the month that we did live together post-breakup, I totally bent over backwards with kindness and I'm convinced that it was worth every second of her crap I had to take. We didn't get in any major knock-down drag-outs and I left with all my pride and dignity intact (I was staying focused on our future as friends, and my relationship with her daughter that I love with all of my heart). So, if you have it in your power - be as polite and courteous as humanly possible if you are forced to have any contact with your ex and I think it will help you both heal.
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