pandnh4 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 hey everyone, i'm open to thoughts from both sides here... i've read a little about this but curious if it's affected you one way or another, what were the causes, and what solutions were adopted... especially while in a relationship... my gf and i have been together about 6 weeks but only started having sex less than a month ago... she's told me that she's very active usually and loves having sex a lot although she's not been feeling it lately like she used to in the past... we still sleep together and have fun but not as frequently as i'd like... plus she sometimes seems like she'd prefer to be pleasured than actually have sex... she told me that the other night with me was the first time in 2 years she actually climaxed while sleeping with someone... she started a new job recently but she likes it so i don't think she's depressed or unhappy but she does work long hours and gets home exhausted every night... any of this sounding familiar or making sense? i'm leaving for a business trip for a few days and she was not at all into anything last night except cuddling... normal? advice?
BlueHaiku Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 There are so many possibilities. Not knowing you or her or what you do in the bedroom, it's really hard to say, but here are some options that spring to mind (in no particular order): 1. The fact is, it's generally harder for most women to climax during intercourse than through other methods. Hence, wanting to be pleasured more than wanting actual intercourse might make a lot of sense. 2. You're relationship is still extremely new. Maybe with time you'll build up more trust and emotional intimacy which will help her feel more into sex. 3. Your sexual relationship is even newer. Maybe with time the two of you will "get your rhythm down" a bit better. 4. Maybe she's just not that into sex, and is only telling you what she thinks you want to hear when she says she has been in the past. The above also goes for her saying she climaxed. 5. Maybe she's not sure you're the one. Women often link sex and love quite firmly. If she's not in love with you (or isn't sure), she might not be interested in sex. This is a big one with me. 6. Maybe you're doing certain things she isn't fond of/or not doing certain things in bed she wants you to do. Just as we all have different tastes in food and TV shows, we also have different tasts in sex. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. 7. Maybe you're doing certain things/or not doing certain things outside of the bedroom with the effect of turning her off a bit. If she feels you're not listening to her much when she tells you about her day, it could disincline her to want to be intimate, for example. If she feels your days are routine and boring, with little romance, it could do the same thing. For me, if I've been looking forward to seeing my man all day and he comes home, gets on the phone, and stays on it for most of the night (EVEN if he needed to because there was a crisis at work, or with a friend or whatever) it does dampen the mood for me. I'm not resentful or angry or trying to punish him or anything, but my disappointment at not spending quality time does make me less interested in sex for that evening. 8. Maybe something in her life is bothering her - you don't think it's work, but could there be something else. It could also be work. Even if she likes it, the newness of the job could be putting extra pressure on her. I got a fabulous professional opportunity to give a presentation last week which I was overjoyed about, but the stress of being in a new situation was also very real, though I was happy at the opportunuity. 9. Maybe she prefers sex a little less often than you. We all have different timing and are "ready and eager" after longer or shorter time periods. I find I prefer every other day sex, or every third day. Once a day I can and have done, but I never feel quite that same edge of excitement if it's every day. I'm going to stop here, but basically my advice is to talk to her, ask her questions. Try to do so without pressuring her about the fact that she's not wanting much sex. You don't want her to start feeling guilty or responsible or resentful. I don't know what conversations you've had but these are good ones to have if you haven't yet: I would start by asking her about what she's looking for in a relationship and how your relationship is progressing. And listen closely and ask follow up questions so you can really understand what she's thinking. Don't preface it with "Because you're not into sex..." either. Just ask as if the relationship itself is the point you're really getting at. On another occasion, perhaps in bed, ask her what she likes and do it, then ask her what else she likes and do that, too. On other occasions ask her about life in general, career, friends, family, etc. Listen carefully and ask follow up questions. Also, try to romance her, be attentive, see if that helps. Those are the things you potentially can do something about. If it's some of the other things, like she really doesn't like intercourse much or she wants it once per month when you want it once per day, you have to decide what compromises you are or are not willing to make - what you *need* sexually and what you're willing to accept sexually for the other benefits of the relationship. Some people just aren't sexually compatible even though they may be wonderful on every other front. Good luck!
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I think the above poster looked at many angles, but something strikes me odd. Sex should be about give and take. If she is willing to receive it, shouldn't she be willing to give it, too? Aren't you in need of intimacy and love-making? Would it arouse her to see you aroused and screaming with pleasure? I think you better get to the bottom of this before you have more feelings for her and she is not willing or not able to reciprocate. Not much fun without mutual satisfaction and respect.
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