4givrnt4gtr Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 So, i have a concern....if you may.... Ive discussed how communication with my bf has been declining lately...like we used to aim every day at work, now...not at all. We used to text...now not at all either. We still see each other and its great. But i still wonder if maybe he is needing space. Even though we didnt aim as much as we used to, we would still say hi or what not. If not, then he would call me at nite to check up on me. Anyhow, this past week we've spent a lot of time together...kind of. I saw him tuesday thursday and saturday/sunday. During the week i usually "take a nap" til 3 or 4 am then drive home (30 minutes away). Saturday i spent the nite with him while he watch a game and worked on his project. I entertained myself reading a magazine, and he would often ask me if i was bored After a while he stopped working and came to cuddle with me. Sunday, we got up late and just hanged out til 1pm So, I wasnt expecting to call me yesterday, and he didnt. But i was expecting him to at least aim me to say hi today..he signed on but kept going idle, which usually means he's busy, so i figured he would call me tonite. But he didnt. At around 1030 i texted him "hope u had a good day, gnite". Usually he would call me if i text him, but this time he just texted me back with "I did, hope u did too baby, gnite" Now....is that normal?? i mean...i dont know much about relationship...obviously, but....not even a call all day??? I know if i had not sent that text he wouldnt have contact me at all today. What do you guys think? In one hand i think he is just you know doing his thing, and we've been with each other a lot it seems so, he might want a break (although we've seen each other more often than this before and this has never happened) I am very hesitant to bring this up because it seems im always questioning him and thats just gonna get annoying, for him to be always reassuring me.... So, what do u guys think of his not calling? normal guy thing?
SeraBella Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 You said gnite...implying that you were going to bed. If someone said that to me I'd think it meant they didn't want to talk
bluepoppy Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Men simply don't notice the things like how many times you text, or phone or communicate. Their brains aren't wired that way. He won't think there is anything wrong as you've had a nice weekend together and been having fun dating - So you need to tell him, that you like to touch base at least once a day, or you start worry about how he is (or something like that needs to be phrased as right for you) But I agree if I send a text that says goodnight - it implies I'm going to bed or something.
Els Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I agree with the rest -- men generally aren't the best at taking such hints. You have to tell him.. but that doesn't mean you need to make it unpleasant. Just let him know how much it means to you to have daily communication. On a side note, when my bf wasn't LD and able to see me most days a week, no calls for a day wouldn't really bother me. After all, I'd see him the next day or the day after anyway. Count your blessings, is what I mean.
Walk Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I ran into the same thing during my relationship.. where my bf and I didn't see each other all day, and no phone call, or contact. So I talked to him about it. Mostly, if you can find out first what his idea of keeping contact in a relationship entails, and then let him know what your beliefs are, then the both of you can find a happy medium. But expecting him to know what yours are, and for him to behave exactly as you do, will lead to disappointment. No two people have the same out look on all things. I need at least some form of communication once a day from my SO. And ar first, he thought that meant he had to talk to me at least an hour a day. Which surprised me because all I wanted was a quick check in. His ideas and mine were pretty different, and we talked it over. I'd like to say we met in the middle, but I think I pretty much got the bulk of what I wanted. But in doing this for me, he gets special stuff that he wants in return. So it was win-win. Talk to your bf. Thats the condensed version of this post.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I guess thats true, he cant very well read my mind. I guess im a bit weary because at the beginning we would hardly talk, and if we did it was to schedule a date. But after the first month or two, he has contact me every day, in some way, so for him to go back to not contacting me some way thru the day again after 6 months, out of nowhere makes me feel he might be losing interest (that the insecured me talking). Then the rational me tells me he might just be busy with his stuff. So, any ideas how i should bring it up? i dont wanna sound whinny or demanding, or make him feel like he just HAS to do it otherwise i would have a meltdown (i wont i promise). Bassically, sure id like him to contact me somehow, but i dont want to seem needy because of it. Thats my main concern. I do not want to seem needy. So, any ideas as to how i should go about telling him that? Oh and also, if he doesnt call me/contact me today either...should I give him a call or let him call me when he is ready? Good god this relationship thing is waay too complicated, no wonder i never tried it sooner.
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Replace the word needy by assertive and your whole outlook will change. By bringing up areas of concerns to you, you are not being needy, you are being assertive. You are making sure the relationship is a happy one for both of you. You are looking for a middle ground. I think most women feel needy when they don't know how to ask for what they need in a relationship. Often it's because we're afraid of losing the other person and are ready to make a lot of sacrifices (instead of compromises) to keep someone in our life who, perhaps, isn't the best match for us. But your bf has always pulled through for you in the past. Maybe instead of broaching the topic of the calls, what you should address is communication in the relationship on how you can both work on making sure the relationship is a happy one for both of you. Discussing,the frequency of the calls only becomes an example of one such moments.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) hmm....that is true Kamille, and even he says i need to be more open with what i need. But honestly, i dont know why i feel like if i tell him i want to hear from him, even if its just a "hi" every day, first, itll lose its charm cuz i know he will be doing it cuz i said i wanted him to, not because he wants to. But i guess thats an illusion, that men will contact u every day if they truly like u. Myths i suppose. THen i guess in my mind i want to be this cool chick who doesnt need constant reassurance with phone calls and what not. I want to be secured in the relationship, but its taking a lot of hard work and im afraid he's gonna get sick of having to reassure me all the time. In a way i kinda want to let it go, not ask for a daily phone call (and i can do that only if i know it doesnt mean his interest is weaning). I can only ask him so many times if he really likes me, so all i got now is asking you all if its normal for him to start slowing on the calls. I guess if i had had other normal relationships i would know, but with my lovely record, i cant. And then to boot i read contradictory things. One side, "dont call, let him chase u, give him space, he'll call when he's ready, dont smother him" on the other "talk to him, tell him how you feel and why its important for you" Very confused really Edited February 5, 2008 by 4givrnt4gtr
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 hmm....that is true Kamille, and even he says i need to be more open with what i need. But honestly, i dont know why i feel like if i tell him i want to hear from him, even if its just a "hi" every day, first, itll lose its charm cuz i know he will be doing it cuz i said i wanted him to, not because he wants to. But i guess thats an illusion, that men will contact u every day if they truly like u. Myths i suppose. THen i guess in my mind i want to be this cool chick who doesnt need constant reassurance with phone calls and what not. I want to be secured in the relationship, but its taking a lot of hard work and im afraid he's gonna get sick of having to reassure me all the time. In a way i kinda want to let it go, not ask for a daily phone call (and i can do that only if i know it doesnt mean his interest is weaning). I can only ask him so many times if he really likes me, so all i got now is asking you all if its normal for him to start slowing on the calls. I guess if i had had other normal relationships i would know, but with my lovely record, i cant. And then to boot i read contradictory things. One side, "dont call, let him chase u, give him space, he'll call when he's ready, dont smother him" on the other "talk to him, tell him how you feel and why its important for you" Very confused really You're 24 right? Well, my track record was probably even more muddled then yours when I was 24, but I feel like I have learned a lot in the last 7 years. And we learn by being in relationships. I tend to be pretty straightfoward, but even more so today because my last relationship has taught me one thing: if a man loves you, he will want to do the little things that make you happy. So if you tell your bf that hearing his voice everyday makes you happy, then he's not doing it because you're forcing him to, he's doing because he likes to make you happy. Besided, we both know you can't make a guy do something he doesn't want to do. But I think you don't actually need to ask him to get in touch everyday. I think right now, what you are trying to understand is the change of pace. As such, it seems to me like you're open to hear his explanation (and not ours) about it. And that if his explanation satisfies you, then that's it. As to the two philosophies, the first one, for me, applies more to dating, while the second one applies more to committed relationships. You often sound unsure about the status of your R and maybe that's why you are often confused about what his actions mean. To me, there comes a point when a couple decides that they want to be together and then they start working on how to be together. That, to me, is commitment. Do you think you're there yet, or are you still trying to figure out if the two of you are a match?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) You're 24 right? Well, my track record was probably even more muddled then yours when I was 24, but I feel like I have learned a lot in the last 7 years. And we learn by being in relationships. I tend to be pretty straightfoward, but even more so today because my last relationship has taught me one thing: if a man loves you, he will want to do the little things that make you happy. So if you tell your bf that hearing his voice everyday makes you happy, then he's not doing it because you're forcing him to, he's doing because he likes to make you happy. Besided, we both know you can't make a guy do something he doesn't want to do. But I think you don't actually need to ask him to get in touch everyday. I think right now, what you are trying to understand is the change of pace. As such, it seems to me like you're open to hear his explanation (and not ours) about it. And that if his explanation satisfies you, then that's it. As to the two philosophies, the first one, for me, applies more to dating, while the second one applies more to committed relationships. You often sound unsure about the status of your R and maybe that's why you are often confused about what his actions mean. To me, there comes a point when a couple decides that they want to be together and then they start working on how to be together. That, to me, is commitment. Do you think you're there yet, or are you still trying to figure out if the two of you are a match? Well you are right about the whole change of pace....sometimes it seems we've slowed down. But then when i look back at our beginning, it seems its always been like this. Where at times i feel he pulls back but then next time i see him, its like nothing so often times i think its just me and my insecurities. By pulling back i mean he either doesnt contact me, or seems a bit aloof. To make matters worst, when we had that conversation regarding what his intentions were, he told me about the pressure from his family to meet Indian girls,(he is Indian). They go as far as give him numbers for them to call them. He says this pressure make him be aloof and confused. (He never calls them though) He told me that day that he sees a future for us (marriage) but he cannot go against his family. (Its like the mafia out there really, family first) So slowly im meeting his family. SO far Ive met his older brother. He liked me. Next is his parents. Its gonna take a bit of convincing for them to accept a latina, but they sounds like intelligent people. Still, that is in the back of my mind, and i often fear he might feel its too much trouble and give up on us. I know we are in a relationship, I am introduced as his girlfriend, we've talked about marriage and all that...but as i said , i know nothing, so when i get the 'ohhh u shouldnt call him" i wonder about it applying to relationships too. I often hear men like challenges, even after the whole dating period ends (right?) so if i contact him and all that, im not being a challenge, hence the reason why he might be losing interest? I think my problem is not about what we are, but what the difference is between dating and relationships. FOr a long time i believed it was the same thing, but I had a quite rude awakening a while back and since then i still have difficulty with the difference. Good god, if you are able to follow all these mess, i aplaud u. Sometimes i even confuse myself with all my questions and stuff You know Edited February 5, 2008 by 4givrnt4gtr
SeraBella Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 And then to boot i read contradictory things. One side, "dont call, let him chase u, give him space, he'll call when he's ready, dont smother him" on the other "talk to him, tell him how you feel and why its important for you" Very confused really There will ALWAYS be contradictory things because that's just how life is. Any thread you read will obviously show you that. Everyone's life experience dictates their response...and since everyone has been involved with different personalities and different people, there will obviously be different answers. No one can REALLY give you the answer to this question. It's likely that there's nothing to worry about. Once relationships start to settle, calls sometimes lessen. Or if someone is busy or in a stressful time of life, calls are fewer. But, yes, sometimes it is that the person is losing interest. If nothing else (ie, how he acts when he's with you, or when you talk, etc) is indicating that, then don't fret about it. If you want to talk to him, then call him. It's not worth asking "should i wait for him or should i call?" If you don't want to talk to him, don't call. He can't read your mind at all and who knows, he could be waiting for you to call. Maybe he's thinking "why doesn't she ever call me?" Plus, I think a lot of times we don't realize the vibe we put out when we say certain things. The text message you sent (and possibly others you send) could have been interpreted so many different ways. He could hve thought you were tired and didn't want to talk, he could have thought you weren't in a mood to talk for other reasons, he could just be tired himself and have been thinking he'll just talk to you later. He DID respond. If he was losing interest, he likely would just ignore the message. Stop overanalyzing things and just go with the flow. Call him if you want to talk to him. There's no need to play games. It gets so tiresome. Relationships are tough enough, there's no need to add extra work.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Yeah, i know i shouldnt play games and stuff....to go with my common sense. But unfortunately my experience has shown me my common sense doesnt work too well with relationships and somehow i end up messing them up. I really like this guy, so im very weary of my overemotional responses. Hence why i come here often, and more than once you guys have saved me from making a dumb move and calm me down when i overanalyze like i tend to do. BTW he aimed me today with a "Hola mami"....I told him i missed talking to him yesterday and how he was. He sorta ignored the comment that i missed talking to him and went on to other things. I guess men are REALLY that clueless.... Well, onward I go. Thank you guys for setting me straight.
allina Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I think posters telling you to relax and that he can't read your mind are correct. However one should never ignore a sudden change in behavior in a relationship. In your case before you worry yourself crazy, speak up! Good luck.
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) I was thinking - I think speaking up and asking for what you want in a relationship isn't antithecal to keeping 'the chase' on. If anything, it keeps the 'chase' alive. I don't really know how to explain this. But it has something to do with showing that you're confident and that you know you're a great catch. Instead of a passive individual playing hard to get, you are an active individual inviting your so to be a part of your exciting life. Does that make sense? The chase is not about being unavailable, it's about perceptions of strenght and confidence. If your SO feels you are confident, you know what you want and won't settle for less, then he will also feel thrilled to be with you. Does that make sense? Basically, by speaking up for yourself, you are keeping the chase alive. Edited February 5, 2008 by Kamille adding
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I was thinking - I think speaking up and asking for what you want in a relationship isn't antithecal to keeping 'the chase' on. If anything, it keeps the 'chase' alive. I don't really know how to explain this. But it has something to do with showing that you're confident and that you know you're a great catch. Instead of a passive individual playing hard to get, you are an active individual inviting your so to be a part of your exciting life. Does that make sense? The chase is not about being unavailable, it's about perceptions of strenght and confidence. If your SO feels you are confident, you know what you want and won't settle for less, then he will also feel thrilled to be with you. Does that make sense? Basically, by speaking up for yourself, you are keeping the chase alive. Ohhh i like that..... I guess my next step then is to learn to be assertive. Ive been often accused of being passive, "mousy" and "too nice" (Lovely adjectives that do wonders for my self esteem btw). Im trying to snap out of it, but 24 years of being unsure and afraid to speak up are hard to undo....hbut...i guess now its as good of a time as any.
allina Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I was thinking - I think speaking up and asking for what you want in a relationship isn't antithecal to keeping 'the chase' on. If anything, it keeps the 'chase' alive. I don't really know how to explain this. But it has something to do with showing that you're confident and that you know you're a great catch. Instead of a passive individual playing hard to get, you are an active individual inviting your so to be a part of your exciting life. Does that make sense? The chase is not about being unavailable, it's about perceptions of strenght and confidence. If your SO feels you are confident, you know what you want and won't settle for less, then he will also feel thrilled to be with you. Does that make sense? Basically, by speaking up for yourself, you are keeping the chase alive. I agree
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I think posters telling you to relax and that he can't read your mind are correct. However one should never ignore a sudden change in behavior in a relationship. In your case before you worry yourself crazy, speak up! Good luck. Ya he aimed me today, and told me yesterday flew by. First at work, then he was watching a match at home. I guess after a while, things just settled down. I am literally in uncharted territory, so if before i was insure as to what to expect from the relationship, passing the 8 month mark that ive never passed ever before isnt gonna make it any easier. I guess just gotta hold on an enjoy/deal with whats ahead, one day at a time.
allina Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Ya he aimed me today, and told me yesterday flew by. First at work, then he was watching a match at home. I guess after a while, things just settled down. I am literally in uncharted territory, so if before i was insure as to what to expect from the relationship, passing the 8 month mark that ive never passed ever before isnt gonna make it any easier. I guess just gotta hold on an enjoy/deal with whats ahead, one day at a time. It's possible that things will fall in to place as you guys become more familiar with each other's needs, and being honest with him will only help
Kamille Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 It's possible that things will fall in to place as you guys become more familiar with each other's needs, and being honest with him will only help My turn to agree . Be honest with him and you things will most likely improve for both of you.
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