StartingOver07 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I guess that's a fair statement about many of my posts, but I don't see how it applies in this circumstance. In this case, the burden is really on him to restore my trust. Don't you agree? No, I don't agree. I haven't seen the original text (and neither have you, from the sound of it), but it appeared to be a one-off, not-to-be-taken-serously drunken moment kind of thing. And then he wrote an email to his ex explaining that he had no intention of acting on it. He sent a drunken text! That's it. Ok, so it wasn't his finest moment. But I think this text pales in comparison to you telling him you'd like to sleep with his best friend. Yes, I understand that your comment came after his text, but the point is that you have both done things that were less than honorable, so how is it that he now needs to restore your trust while you sit back and wait for him to perform to your satisfaction?? What are you doing to regain his trust? Besides which I sent him a very forgiving email and agreed to try to work things out. That's more than many women would do. Good grief. And he took you back after the comment you made about his friend. That's more than many men would do. For the record, your email was not forgiving. Telling him that things have to platonic while he (presumably) grovels and pleads to regain your trust is ridiculous. I hope he is man enough not to stand for it. he has apologised. Accept it or don't.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I think that this guy is slowly going to have enough of this constant drama. I mean you have broken up with him how many times now.. Even though he takes you back each time, this sort of thing slowly builds up and there will come a day when he will just walk away and you won't be able to reach him.. You are completly controling him. I also don't see your complaints that he is emotionally flat and doesn't connect at a deep level as valid. Reading the e-mails you posted, he is more emotional than 99% of the guys. I can't see how you can possibly want more than that.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Have you forgotten how she broke up with him and asked him to be able to date his best friend? Any guy who's willing to remain with his GF after that has to be VERY invested and VERY much in love with her (perhaps "whipped" is the term?), don't you agree? Ok, I read the post. The kid is an idealist. He holds himself to a high standard and internalizes too much. What I mean is that most guys, myself included, would have reamed her a new ******* for how she treated me the weeks prior and I'd have nothing to do with her. The fact that he wanted to work it out means he is really invested in her emotionally. Whipped? I get the feeling that he is very sorry and really wants to work it out whereas many guys would say "this is too damaged on both sides and there has been too much drama this past month." I'm the type of guy who likes to talk things out right away, but I recognize that sometimes despite the anxiety, it's best to wait a little. I think he is giving shadowplay that space, space for her, thinking of her needs. So if I were her, I'd honestly approach him in a day or two to work it out rather than hold a grudge and want him to grovel. I get pretty much the same feeling here! I think this guy is young! He is still clinging to the idea that he has to be perfect. Notice how his first reaction is getting angry with himself for making a mistake! As he gets older his idealism will fade, and he will be more realistic with himself. Shadow, your playing with fire here! What he is doing right now is considering the last 3 weeks and trying to decide if your worth it. I am pretty convinced that he will come back, but you have literally killed some of the love he had for you! That emotion you crave is going to be farther away than ever. I assume that he expects that you operate similar to him, which is very much not the case. You need to get a grip and quick, if you want this relationship to ever work. It is very, very telling that he had a feeling you wanted his friend way back. It's one of the reasons he doesn't trust you on an emotional level. It may even play a part in why he sent this text to his ex, among other things! Recently you have confirmed his doubts about you. So, how bad do you want to save this relationship?
dropdeadlegs Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Yep, bad to worse, and next week (if not before) will be worse yet. You don't listen, shadow. Cull and sort through your thoughts all you want. You don't take advice. You expect more than you give.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Well, he called me, and asked if I wanted to do something this weekend. We're on for tomorrow night. Our conversation wasn't very emotional because I was around other people. We rehashed our day and didn't touch on the whole issue at all. He said "I love you" at the end of our conversation. He also asked me if I had received something in the mail that he sent, but wouldn't tell me what it was. (It hasn't come yet). When he told me in the email that he was sending something, the pessimist I am assumed it was something that I had left at his house. Now it seems like it might be a sweet surprise. I feel bad. Have I really been too harsh on him about this? I've tried to be reasonable and forgiving.
Star Gazer Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Have I really been too harsh on him about this? I've tried to be reasonable and forgiving. Yes, Shadow. You have. PARTICULARLY because of your own behavior. If, and only if, you had been completely innocent throughout the course of your relationship, I wouldn't be so quick to turn a blind eye to that text. But that's not the case here. You've both messed up, and you both need to work on rebuilding what you had... because it seemed like you had something pretty damn awesome (notice the past tense). And I say that with
underpants Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Shadow, I have been lightly following your story so I might have missed some stuff. There is a concern though. Do you think you might be (maybe unconsciously) sabatoging your relationship with him to free you up to date his friend? If I were him this thought would be crossing my mind. Granted the text thing was bad. Snooping was bad. Almost like you are looking for a reason to be done. I do think a discussion was needed. He gave you an explanation and an apology. I also agree that breaking up/getting back together and high/insecure type drama is very draining over time. Some people need that rollar coaster of emotion to feel connected. Short term it is exciting but it is next to impossible to sustain over time. It is not the heathiest way to love. It might be a good time for you both to define what type of relationship you want. Be it with each other or not. If you are harboring some slight idea that you can go from him to his friend. Well, my feeling is that would be a very bad idea. Good luck.
Ariadne Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Do you think you might be (maybe unconsciously) sabatoging your relationship with him to free you up to date his friend? Well, She wanted to date the friend.. But now that she saw that at some point he texted the ex, now she wants him. He acquired value. That's all there is to it.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Well, She wanted to date the friend.. But now that she saw that at some point he texted the ex, now she wants him. He acquired value. That's all there is to it. The dynamics here are pretty clear. She wasn't sure if she is in love with him and when she found that text and suddenly she is 200%, she can't be without him. He wasn't sure if he was in love with her, and then she wants to sleep with his friend and all of a sudden he is "deeply in love". It's pretty screwed up. Basically, they both can only love someone who is not completly attainable. They need the constant drama to maintain the illusion of unavailability in each other. I just do not see how it can possibly end well in the long term.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 I sent him another email late last night basically saying I wouldn't put any conditions on the relationship and want to start from scratch (thanks for the suggestion, Kamille). I'll do whatever it takes to salvage this relationship. I don't know if you guys are right about the dynamics at play, but the prospect of losing him has made me realize how important he is to me. I really do love him. Here's the chat we had early this morning: me: [his name] him: hey me: you're awake so early him: yeah, I have to be at work at 7:30 me: aw that sucks him: yuppers I'm in my snooze button pushing phase of the gettup cycle me: well i should probably get back to sleep...i have to wake up officially at 6 hope you have a good day him: you too. I love you me: i love you too btw...before i go, did my email make you feel any better? him: yes, I've gone from sweating bullets to sweating paintballs me: haha him: I'm glad my email played some part in ameliorating the situation I was up until 4 and was mad groggy during the RE test but it was all worth it me: aw well i'm glad you passed ive missed you...i love you so much him: I've missed you too and I'm crazy in love with you say, have you read the book written by Ian Curtis' widowed wife me: that's cute no? but i've wanted to "touching from a distance? right? him: yeah me: i've been curious to read it hmm...is that what you sent me? him: no, for one thing I couldn't find it at the bookstores, and I didn't want to buy you a book you already had/ had read me: no worries...i may order it on my own at some point. him: I'm going to keep my fingers sealed about the mail, to preserve the element of suprise him: it's a bengal tiger... woops the cat's out of the bag me: but it will eat tim! (tim is my cat) him: it should arrive today "oooooooh.... don't eat me...." me: you've gotten the tim character down to a t. i'm impressed not that he's very hard to grasp anyway, i'll let you get back to battling the snooze button see yous later love ya him: slater love you too. and the snooze button won another battle... 15 mins
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Awww that's a cute chat. Just try and keep drama to minimum in the near future.. And let us know what he has sent you in the mail
Cobra_X30 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Make the pledge not to dump him again... ever... unless things get real bad! Like blood pact, business contract style!
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 So I saw him last night and things went great. He told me how much he had missed me over the week, we watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and we had tons of passionate "make up" sex. But this morning I started feeling weird and doubtful again (couldn't stop thinking about his ex girlfriend). What's wrong with me? I kept it mostly to myself, though. I'll get to it in more detail later. The package arrived in the mail. It was a large box of Godiva chocolates with a sweet card attached that read "Dear Shadowplay, Happy early Valentine's Day and belated 1/2 birthday. I hope we aren't estranged come Feb. 14-15. (the 15th is our 6 month anniversary) I am truly sorry for the dispute we've been having. I love you very, very much. (here he drew a heart around an infinity symbol raised to the power of 2). Please be my valentine. Love, XXXX P.S. I cherish the times we spent together and hope there are even more wonderful times to come. :love: Apparently he also asked his friend if I had emailed him to meet up since our "break up." He has that little faith in me...not that I blame him.
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