Cobra_X30 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 More than anything, I just don't know how to deal with this mounting anxiety. Advice? Yeah, sit on it! He may be trying to provide you space to clear your head. The guy is probably biting his fingernails off. Put yourself 100% into work, then do the same when not at work until he contacts you, and he will.
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Maybe he's also feeling pretty shaky. A relationship is about two people taking care of each other - but in your last post it sounds like your relationship is all about him doing things for you. I still feel uneasy about the fact that he sent his ex a late night text - just as I would feel uneasy if my bf snooped into my e-mail. You both need to rebuild trust. Not just you. Give him time. Don't make this all about your needs.
Author shadowplay Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) Maybe he's also feeling pretty shaky. A relationship is about two people taking care of each other - but in your last post it sounds like your relationship is all about him doing things for you. I still feel uneasy about the fact that he sent his ex a late night text - just as I would feel uneasy if my bf snooped into my e-mail. You both need to rebuild trust. Not just you. Give him time. Don't make this all about your needs. What do you mean? What post are you referring to? How have I not been taking care of him? I think the email I sent was pretty reasonable and forgiving. Honestly, if this whole thing has made HIM shaky about being in the relationship, I couldn't do it... Yes, it was wrong for me to snoop, and I apologized emphatically for doing it in the email I sent him. But it's my trust that has more reason to be shaken. If he's feeling shaky now, then something is wrong... Maybe my reasoning is off (it's been known to be), but that's my emotional reaction. I'm so nervous right now. The problem is I feel like I need full commitment from him and strong communication to restore my trust. Edited February 7, 2008 by shadowplay
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Hey Guys, I'm at work now, but all I can think of is him. I'm starting to panic about the fact that he hasn't contacted me since he sent that email on Tuesday night (well, technically Wednesday at 4 AM). I sent him a reply the following night around 9:30 basically indicating I will give the relationship another chance because it is very special to me, I love him a great deal, but my trust is shaken and we should keep things platonic for a bit while I recover. I told him that I would leave it up to him whether he severed ties with his ex, but in my opinion it would be better for our relationship if he did (and I see that he immediately deleted her from his facebook/myspace). Haven't heard from him all of yesterday or today so far. Perhaps he was waiting for my response yesterday, but he's had plenty of time to get back to me since last night. He knows how nervous I get when he doesn't communicate, even for a day, and the past few weeks he's been good about staying in touch...so what gives? Doesn't he realize this is a really bad time to not commuicate when my trust is already shaky? I'm really nervous, guys. I don't know what to do. I'm so, so, so tempted to call him up and arrange a get together tonight, but I feel like I shouldn't for my own dignity. I should let him come to me, right? More than anything, I just don't know how to deal with this mounting anxiety. Advice? I was responding to the pre-edition post. This one. I'm sorry maybe my previous comment was unfair, but I couldn't help but feel you were making it more about you then about your relationship I think the majority of your issues stem from your need for control: control of your relationship and therefore control of him, how he feels, how he relates to you and how he communicates his love to you. It's always about him proving you can trust him, never about building something together. I know these are harsh words - and it is up to you to agree or disagree.
Author shadowplay Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 I was responding to the pre-edition post. This one. I'm sorry maybe my previous comment was unfair, but I couldn't help but feel you were making it more about you then about your relationship I think the majority of your issues stem from your need for control: control of your relationship and therefore control of him, how he feels, how he relates to you and how he communicates his love to you. It's always about him proving you can trust him, never about building something together. I know these are harsh words - and it is up to you to agree or disagree. I guess that's a fair statement about many of my posts, but I don't see how it applies in this circumstance. In this case, the burden is really on him to restore my trust. Don't you agree? Besides which I sent him a very forgiving email and agreed to try to work things out. That's more than many women would do.
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 What do you mean? What post are you referring to? How have I not been taking care of him? I think the email I sent was pretty reasonable and forgiving. Honestly, if this whole thing has made HIM shaky about being in the relationship, I couldn't do it... Yes, it was wrong for me to snoop, and I apologized emphatically for doing it in the email I sent him. But it's my trust that has more reason to be shaken. If he's feeling shaky now, then something is wrong... Maybe my reasoning is off (it's been known to be), but that's my emotional reaction. I'm so nervous right now. The problem is I feel like I need full commitment from him and strong communication to restore my trust. Are you the only one who's allowed to have moments of shakyness? I feel like what you are requiring of him is complete and utter dedication. - meanwhile you are using your own trust issues to legitimate your doubts. I understand that you are nervous. I guess all I am advocating is that you put yourself in his shoes. I agree with Cobra that he will most definitely come to you. But SP, I think you have your bf whipped. Again, my opinion. I also don't think it's healthy for either partners to have a constant unequal distribution of power in a R.
Author shadowplay Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 Are you the only one who's allowed to have moments of shakyness? I feel like what you are requiring of him is complete and utter dedication. - meanwhile you are using your own trust issues to legitimate your doubts. I understand that you are nervous. I guess all I am advocating is that you put yourself in his shoes. I agree with Cobra that he will most definitely come to you. But SP, I think you have your bf whipped. Again, my opinion. I also don't think it's healthy for either partners to have a constant unequal distribution of power in a R. Again, I can understand how this might apply to previous posts/incidents...but lest we forget I just found out he sent his ex girlfriend an explicit text talking about how much he missed her, having sex with her, and basically propositioning her for a hookup. That's really bad -- worse than anything I've ever done.
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I guess that's a fair statement about many of my posts, but I don't see how it applies in this circumstance. In this case, the burden is really on him to restore my trust. Don't you agree? Besides which I sent him a very forgiving email and agreed to try to work things out. That's more than many women would do. I think it would be fairer to offer a blank slate. Not a power dynamic where he has to prove something to you. Something more along the lines of: ok, let's start from scratch. There's a lot of things we can both improve on. Communicate with each other. Don't impose conditions.
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Again, I can understand how this might apply to previous posts/incidents...but lest we forget I just found out he sent his ex girlfriend an explicit text talking about how much he missed her, having sex with her, and basically propositioning her for a hookup. That's really bad -- worse than anything I've ever done. Did I miss something? From what I gather from your thread, the text wasn't found and it isn't clear what was said in it. So how do you know he wanted to have sex with her?
Author shadowplay Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 I think it would be fairer to offer a blank slate. Not a power dynamic where he has to prove something to you. Something more along the lines of: ok, let's start from scratch. There's a lot of things we can both improve on. Communicate with each other. Don't impose conditions. I still think the burden of proof is on him, given the gravity of what he did. Why shouldn't I impose some restrictions? I have every reason to be cautious. And I'm allowing him the chance to redeem himself, and telling him I want to make this relationship work. Besides which, I don't want to flip flop and say "nevermind that last email, let's start out from scratch." I'll look weak if I don't stick to my guns.
Author shadowplay Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 Did I miss something? From what I gather from your thread, the text wasn't found and it isn't clear what was said in it. So how do you know he wanted to have sex with her? This is what he remembers saying to her: I miss you, I miss the feeling of you on top of me, and a bunch of other lewd things he doesn't remember. It's not clear whether or not he propositioned her because he doesn't remember, but he admits there's a good possibility that he did.
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I still think the burden of proof is on him, given the gravity of what he did. Why shouldn't I impose some restrictions? I have every reason to be cautious. And I'm allowing him the chance to redeem himself, and telling him I want to make this relationship work. Besides which, I don't want to flip flop and say "nevermind that last email, let's start out from scratch." I'll look weak if I don't stick to my guns. No Shadow, you either can forgive him for this or you can't. If you can't, let him go.
Author shadowplay Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 No Shadow, you either can forgive him for this or you can't. If you can't, let him go. I am forgiving him, but I need time to recover. That's exactly what I told him.
Author shadowplay Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 Having sex with him at this point would make me feel sick because I would just be thinking of her. Isn't it ok for me to take some time to recover from that? (hence the platonic request)
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Again, I can understand how this might apply to previous posts/incidents...but lest we forget I just found out he sent his ex girlfriend an explicit text talking about how much he missed her, having sex with her, and basically propositioning her for a hookup. That's really bad -- worse than anything I've ever done. If in his shoes (based on his email and whatnot), I'd actually say asking to date/hookup with his best friend is worse. I'd really like to see you guys have some sort of truce or something here. I'm worried that you'll now do something to one-up him... Is that a danger?
Florida Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Don't do what I do when something is on my mind. I go and talk to my co-workers about it, then regret it later when it passes. Take a few breaks, take a bit more time in the bathroom stall by yourself, just breathe, then go out back to work. It's really hard trying to function with that at work. The good thing about talking to my co-workers was that I found out under their veneers were some heartwrenching daily struggles too. In fact, look around, probably 80% of them have some major life difficulty going on as they say "good morning" all normal.
Little Shy Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 First of all, after reading your Bf's email he sent you, I think you are dealing with a much kinder, caring, in love with you guy than I thought. My original post to you on this affair compared an experience of mine that went all wrong, but the guy I was involved with simply did not have the character to write such an honest & introspective, and loving letter as your guy did. The guy I spoke of in my relationship that seemed to compare was a player, & super self absorbed & selfish. So now, maybe my opinion changes a bit on how you might want to handle this. He really does seem head over heels for you & sorry for his drunken mistake. I think you should give him another chance. But for christssake, if your gonna give him another chance, give him another chance. He is probably sooo emotionally wiped out from that composition/novel he wrote you that he can't even communicate anymore. He used up a years worth of your average guys emoting in one essay! So don't analyze the hell out of the number of hours since he last contacted you, after you responded etc. He loves you, and you need to chill out and give the brother a minute. Please tell me you never used that "burden of proof" statement to him. Ick! My sister is a lawyer, and there is nothing like bringing the courtroom into your personal relationships! just ick! ick!
Kamille Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I am forgiving him, but I need time to recover. That's exactly what I told him. Well then maybe he understood your need for time to recover as a need for space and he is giving it to you. And maybe you should take time to recover on your own. Don't let feelings, anxiety or fear of losing him inform the two of you getting back together, but a genuine desire to be with him and be yourself with him. And you know what, I probably couldn't forgive the drunk-texting if it involved any mention of sex (and missing her on top is, well, pretty clear). I couldn't forgive him - so I would break up with him. And so I will give you credit for wanting to work things out. I still feel like there is an issue of control in your R that you will need to address. I agree with what DDL posted above. If you will spend all your time worrying about your dignity and or that you will look weak unless you stick to your guns, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you. If you will spend all your time evaluating if you can trust him, not the relationship for you. I think in healthy relationship the relationship becomes more important then having power, for both partners. So if what you want is to make this work, then you will have to face your fears, forgive him and relinquish some control. Make the relationship the priority. You do realize there is a major power dynamic in your R and that there has been one since way before this incident, right?
oppath Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 If in his shoes (based on his email and whatnot), I'd actually say asking to date/hookup with his best friend is worse. I'd really like to see you guys have some sort of truce or something here. I'm worried that you'll now do something to one-up him... Is that a danger? I think the same thing given the timing and intensity of feelings involved and the fact that your bf recognized he acted inappropriately and extinguished the fire. Shadowplay, you actively tried to stoke the fire. I'd give it a -4 for you and a -3.5 for him. Both are pretty bad offenses and violations of trust. I think he'll come around to you, because I think he is pussy whipped, but I really feel he is trying to create some space so you can both handle the situation calmly. It may lead to a breakup, but don't expect him to grovel to you. I almost feel you are trying to force his hand to do that so you are in control. I think you both have made mistakes. You can't just let them go but given the recent drama, maybe it's wise to take a few days and then talk it out rather than try to work it out right away.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I think he'll come around to you, because I think he is pussy whipped, but I really feel he is trying to create some space so you can both handle the situation calmly. It may lead to a breakup, but don't expect him to grovel to you. I almost feel you are trying to force his hand to do that so you are in control. I think you both have made mistakes. You can't just let them go but given the recent drama, maybe it's wise to take a few days and then talk it out rather than try to work it out right away. Maybe I missed some big events here but what makes you believe that this guy is whipped? Seriously it's not the first time I have heard this, but I'm not getting the same feeling myself. Lets face it. He screwed up and he is admitting to that fact. He is holding pretty strong on the fact that it was not OK with him to snoop through his email. When does saying your sorry mean your whipped?
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Maybe I missed some big events here but what makes you believe that this guy is whipped? When does saying your sorry mean your whipped? Have you forgotten how she broke up with him and asked him to be able to date his best friend? Any guy who's willing to remain with his GF after that has to be VERY invested and VERY much in love with her (perhaps "whipped" is the term?), don't you agree?
Florida Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 And you know what, I probably couldn't forgive the drunk-texting if it involved any mention of sex (and missing her on top is, well, pretty clear). I couldn't forgive him - so I would break up with him. Shadow I agree with Kamille. From your posts, you already had a fair amount of issues with him, be prepared for a large dose of continous rage, and anger towards him. I think a lot of people, especially women, think they can forgive, but they can't. They just end up hating the guy, over a longer period of time.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Have you forgotten how she broke up with him and asked him to be able to date his best friend? Any guy who's willing to remain with his GF after that has to be VERY invested and VERY much in love with her (perhaps "whipped" is the term?), don't you agree? I never actually read that thread. I've read a brief synopsis of it however. Seemed to me more like he was calling her bluff than anything. If it's ok, could you drop me a link to that thread? Or tell me the title?
oppath Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Maybe I missed some big events here but what makes you believe that this guy is whipped? Seriously it's not the first time I have heard this, but I'm not getting the same feeling myself. Lets face it. He screwed up and he is admitting to that fact. He is holding pretty strong on the fact that it was not OK with him to snoop through his email. When does saying your sorry mean your whipped? Have you forgotten how she broke up with him and asked him to be able to date his best friend? Any guy who's willing to remain with his GF after that has to be VERY invested and VERY much in love with her (perhaps "whipped" is the term?), don't you agree? What I mean is that most guys, myself included, would have reamed her a new ******* for how she treated me the weeks prior and I'd have nothing to do with her. The fact that he wanted to work it out means he is really invested in her emotionally. Whipped? I get the feeling that he is very sorry and really wants to work it out whereas many guys would say "this is too damaged on both sides and there has been too much drama this past month." I'm the type of guy who likes to talk things out right away, but I recognize that sometimes despite the anxiety, it's best to wait a little. I think he is giving shadowplay that space, space for her, thinking of her needs. So if I were her, I'd honestly approach him in a day or two to work it out rather than hold a grudge and want him to grovel.
Florida Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I never actually read that thread. I've read a brief synopsis of it however. Seemed to me more like he was calling her bluff than anything. If it's ok, could you drop me a link to that thread? Or tell me the title? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141600/ 4th paragraph from bottom
Recommended Posts