so_sad Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Pink Ribbon's thread inspired me to think about this. I haven't done anything terribly mean to my ex but what I can NOT get over is how mean he can me to me. He dumped me (we were engaged), he is now living in OUR house with all of my stuff while I stay at my parents' until we deal with our financial issues, and he is being the world's biggest p***k. I only talk to him deal with financial issues, but everytime I do he acts like he can't even stand to talk to me, but what's worse, he tells me how frustrating this is and how awful it is to have to deal with it! This is the man who walked out on a 5 year relationship and a 2 year engagement, without being in any way willing to try to fix things. And now he resents having to deal with the aftermath of his own unilateral decision. It is such a double-blow - the hurt and betrayal and utter heartbreak of the breakup itself, and then, to add insult to injury, the fact that he can barely manage to be civilized to me. Not to mention that he'd obviously have no qualms about screwing me over financially as well, if I didn't stop him - but that's another story. It's so awful. How can it be possible to love someone and think you know them down to their very soul, and then they turn out to be someone you barely recognize?
PinkRibbon Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Oh I got that today how I didn't leave him in a good financial situation. Me leave him? Heck he kicked me out of the house and dumped me! But I left him in a bad financial situation. He is mad at heck at me today and ran the whole gammit of how he is "literally terrified of me". Terrified of me? I am the one who is big sniveling cry baby and he is "terrified of me"? I don't understand them. I hope they all explode and save space on this earth.
CaliGuy Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 It's their self-defense mechanism kicking in. Being mean to you is his way of shielding himself from accepting any blame. It's called COWARDISM.... And they are both yellow-bellied cowards IMHO.
Author so_sad Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I know, our situations are similar in some ways. I swear, my ex is probably feeling sorry for himself right now because he has to give me the money for my share of the house. He keeps talking about how he can't afford it, but oh no, he won't consider selling the house and downsizing. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. All I hear when we speak is what a mess things are and how our situation is driving him crazy, and I just want to scream "YOU CHOSE THIS!" He told me that he can't concentrate at work because of it...and I was like, what do you want me to do about it? Does he expect me to be sympathetic? It's crazy. I am actually starting to hate him. I never in a million years dreamed that he would treat me this way. The worst thing is that I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. How could I after this?
Rooster_DAR Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I can relate to you as well. I was screwed over by my EX and she had the nerve to keep the engagement ring which was not cheap by any means. She got everything we owned (Everything was in her name due a child support issue I had), ran off with the other guy and I was left with nothing but starting over from scratch. I'm still having issues from all the crap I went through. Uggggghhh!
Author so_sad Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) I can relate to you as well. I was screwed over by my EX and she had the nerve to keep the engagement ring which was not cheap by any means. She got everything we owned (Everything was in her name due a child support issue I had), ran off with the other guy and I was left with nothing but starting over from scratch. I'm still having issues from all the crap I went through. Uggggghhh! See, I just don't understand how people can do that and feel okay with themselves. It's beyond me. My ex is not being that bad but he is acting like I've done him some terrible wrong. It's incredible. The worst thing is that he can still get me crying in a matter of seconds...and today it was on the phone at work. My door was closed but I really raised my voice and I know my co-workers probably heard me lose it. My question is - when they act like this does it help you kind of get over them, in a weird way? It's hard to sit around moping about how you miss this person that's treating you like crap... Edited February 5, 2008 by so_sad spelling
Trimmer Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Cali_guy's post hits the nail on the head. If he were thinking rationally, he would have to honestly confront the truth of what he did, and he is insulating himself from that. If he had an honest view of himself then he might not be very happy with what he saw. Even worse, if he allowed himself to have any empathy for your feelings, he would have to confront the pain you are in, and that it was caused by his decision to leave. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it is understandable that he would want to insulate himself from these unpleasant realities, by turning any available anger, frustration, bitterness, back at you. If you are the bad guy, then he is not. As to whether it helps you to get over him, I suppose it does, in that wierd way... If he was the same soft, loving, caring person you saw as a partner, then it would probably involve even more torture and agony trying to figure out why he left... Maybe you seeing him in the a**hole role he is now acting out will help you disconnect and distance yourself. And actually, if this reveals anything about his true nature, his inability to honestly confront his own truths, and his inability to empathize with the pain of a long-term partner, would you really want to be with him after all?
mistie03 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 It's an avoidance maneuver. My ex's idea of talking about a problem is to say, "It's your fault". Doesn't matter what the issue is -- It's still "Your fault". It really lead me to believe that he is either a coward as Cali guy said or really immature.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) any time i've broken up with someone, it took some time to make the final decision to do it, and then act on it. up to that point (the time between the idea of breaking up, and the actual break-up) a lot of resentment, frustration, and anger can build up, whether it's deserved or not. a lot of this is by feeling forced to stay in an unwanted situation for the benefit of someone else. this could have something to do with the way he feels and acts toward you. the dumper is faced with, no matter what, looking like a total jerk in some way, even if he's not really a jerk. not saying it's right, but you're broken up now and you don't owe him anything, nor he, you. deal with the issues you have to deal with, and then go on and live your life without him; you're better off without someone who doesn't want to be with you and treats you like you never mattered to begin with. Edited February 5, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely
sedgwick Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I wish I knew the answer. I can't imagine treating someone like my ex has treated me. I can't imagine what it would feel like to know I had hurt someone that badly. It definitely makes me feel like it was some terrible thing I did. I totally, totally know what you mean about thinking you'll never trust again. I feel the same way. Like, how could I ever open myself up like that to anyone else? Eh, I'm sitting around tonight knitting hats for Tibetan nuns, while he's no doubt somewhere in some field playing old-time music and stinking. I did nothing terrible. I try hard to be a good, kind person. It wasn't my fault. He just got scared and ran away. (ps: it's COWARDICE, not cowardism.)
Trimmer Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 (ps: it's COWARDICE, not cowardism.) Maybe cowardice is what you show moment by moment, but cowardism is a lifelong pursuit...
Issues & tissues Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 My ex came round last night to pick up the last of his stuff. I was civil and polite and put on a happy and cheerie face. He on the other hand was cranky and appeared to be totally inconvenienced by the whole situation (even though he was the one who decided to walk out after 10 years). He behaved as though he had been done hard by and tried pulling a guilt trip on me by saying he had no money and that apart from his parents' house he had nowhere to go. (He most certainly had somewhere to go when we were together as he was rarely at home and never came home at the weekend already for the past 3 or 4 years). On closing the door behind him as he left, I couldn't help but think "you're just not my problem any more!"
CaliGuy Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Maybe cowardice is what you show moment by moment, but cowardism is a lifelong pursuit... Exactly
NiceGirlcomeslast Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I don't have the financial situation and my ex has never acted like it's a hard ship to deal with our break up, But I remember when he called me to check in a week after our break up I was being especially upbeat, I asked how he was and he was like "oh it's really hard... but I think i will cope" I think he was crying too, I mean this is the man who dumped me, who planned it and executed it and watched me cry and beg for a hour then ate a chicken korma whilst I cried some more. fast forward 7 weeks we are seeing each other as "friends" and I try to find out what is going on and he starts to cry saying how he loves me but can't be happy with me and you know what I do I hug him and try to comfort him. I am not saying that the dumper doesn't have a right to feelings but surely this is what they want so why the tears it's like cutting your hair and then crying because you want to put it in a ponytail. I feel so mean but it makes me angry maybe he can't be happy with me but at least if he is going to dump me he had better be happy without me.
smileysmile Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 How can it be possible to love someone and think you know them down to their very soul, and then they turn out to be someone you barely recognize? Yep. I was the dumpee and ex had every right to dump me. But she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I messed up but does she have to be so cold and emotionless for somebody who is supposedly hurting. I am the cause of her pain but be more civilized with me as we have a D. Maybe I don't deserve it? Then again when she got involved with ex co-worker why still give me coldness as if she never did love me once before? Maybe I should disappear for good I think I need to look into this more. Research the after effects of my situation from an ex W who has been hurt by her H. Because I am not dealing with this very well If she had found love now and was happy surely then she would be more civilized and accommodating especially when we have our D? I wish I could see in to her mind and what she is thinking. WOMEN!!
Grace112 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 so_sad, I think we've corresponded on this board before b/c we had a similar situation (been together 5+ years, engaged for 2, and had the wedding called off 6 weeks before the "big day") I agree - he's acting "put out" because it's his way of coping. My ex went on and on about the wedding fees and how wrong it was for me to drag on our relationship if I never intended to get married - when all the while he was the one who called off the marriage. He said I would never trust him and that the issue was my insecurity - despite the fact that he was hiding an emotional affair and harboring feelings for a former co-worker. He wants sympathy. He feels bad and he feels guilty so he twists the truth to make people feel sorry for him. It's not the truth and it's not reality. It's his own way of justifying his actions and don't take it as a reflection of what you could/couldn't fix.
Yernasia Quorelios Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I have found that learning about cognitive dissonance has helped me to understand bizzare behaviour from a dumper. This quote (from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance) gives a brief explaination of Cognitivive Dissonance: "Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term describing the uncomfortable tension that may result from having conflicting thoughts or beliefs (cognitions) at the same time or engaging in behavior that conflicts with one's beliefs. More broadly, it also refers to attempts to reduce the discomfort of conflicting thoughts, beliefs and actions. In simple terms, it can be the filtering of information that conflicts with what one already believes, in an effort to ignore that information and reinforce one's beliefs. In detailed terms, it is the perception of incompatibility between two cognitions, where "cognition" is defined as any element of knowledge, including attitude, emotion, belief, or behavior. The theory of cognitive dissonance states that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that compels the mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to reduce the amount of dissonance (conflict) between cognitions. Experiments have attempted to quantify this hypothetical drive. Some of these have examined how beliefs often change to match behavior when beliefs and behavior are in conflict." Where a person treats their partner badly (depression, affair etc) quite often the reoslution of cognitive dissonance is "Oh my god! What have I done?" which can result in bizarre behaviour while they try to rectify the situation. Further research on cognitive dissonance can be done by entering "cognitive dissonance" exactly as typed, including quotation marks, in to any search engine.
Tony T Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 How can it be possible to love someone and think you know them down to their very soul, and then they turn out to be someone you barely recognize? It happens all the time. I'll never figure it out except that in your case, you're MUCH better off without him.
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