laneylaney Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Hi! New here and needed a snappy title to draw attention. My situation - I have been in a 4 year relationship with BF and we live together (35 and 40). We each have an older child (10 and 12) and live together as a family (his son does not live with us though). We have a lot in common except one part- sex. Essentially we have sex once a month or so and it is boring to say the least - 5 min and mostly him. Him and I have talked ad nauseaum about "my" problem and essentially to him I am oversexual. He was right to say that when we got together I knew that he had a low sex drive, but at the time was okay with it (past relationship had turned me a little off sex). To him, this is the way it will be. (And yes, I have tried EVERYTHING and no physical problem, emotional, etc.) Married co-worker who I never suspected would ever cheat and I are friends. He has 2 kids who he adores and is a very hands-on dad. We are great friends and colleagues. After a work party, well, we kissed. The next day at work, after the weekend, we talked. We have the same problem, he is in a sexless marriage and she will not change. He loves his kids and can't imagine not living with them day to day. They got married because of the kids and he just resigned himself that his wife willl never be sexual with him. We basically decided to have an affair. Neither of us want out, just to be able to express a pretty raunchy sex drive and desire. Fast forward to day of the deed. He is scared for his kids - his wife he said he is not concerned with. We have a pretty intense connection and he is concerned that the affair (me?) will get too addicting and he may do something to leave the marriage. I want to assure him that we could keep it level and that I won't let him make a mistake for either of us. I also REALLY want this man sexually and think that we could keep each other kinkily happy for a while. Advice, general comments. I really can't talk to anyone else. Thanks in advance...
Owl Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 You'd asked for advice...here you go. Tell your BF that you're to the point where if things don't change, you're going to cheat on him or leave him. Ask him to attend some kind of relationship counseling so that the two of you can find some way to come to a 'common ground'. If he refuses or blows the whole thing off...then end your relationship with him. THEN consider starting a relationship with someone else. Either fix the problem 'at home'...or get out of that situation. Otherwise you're just teaching both of your kids that its ok to cheat if you're not happy in a situation. My advice for you, at least.
goodbyegirl Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 We basically decided to have an affair. Neither of us want out, just to be able to express a pretty raunchy sex drive and desire. Fast forward to day of the deed. He is scared for his kids - his wife he said he is not concerned with. We have a pretty intense connection and he is concerned that the affair (me?) will get too addicting and he may do something to leave the marriage. I want to assure him that we could keep it level and that I won't let him make a mistake for either of us. Hi. I think your MM is right, that it will escalate to something more emotional and damaging for either one or both of you. It seems that something is lacking in both of your relationships and if you find it with each other, or think you find it with each other, you will be less and less satisfied at home and you will crave each other more and more. This will lead you to do dangerous things where you could be caught, which will end up hurting his wife and kids. There may be a way to just keep things sexual but I just don't think there is... the emotions that come with an affair are so powerful, at least they were for me. Affairs seem to be by their nature very addicting, almost like a drug. He seems to be already telling you that he feels some of these emotions and is afraid of getting hurt or hurting you or others. IMHO you are way better off than he is. You are not married... do you really want to stay with a boyfriend who doesn't satisfy your sexual drive, either unhappily or by betraying him with cheating in order to fulfill your needs? I understand a lackluster sex life... sometimes it is just natural to a long term relationship and can be improved, and sometimes it is just that two people don't connect in that way. If you really don't feel your sex life can be improved with your boyfriend, I would agree with Owl that you should get out. I bet you don't want to hurt your BF by telling him you are leaving b/c you don't have a good enough sexual connection/ sex life with him, but what will happen if your BF finds out you have been having sex with someone else on the side? That will hurt much worse. I think you should just be honest with yourself and with your BF. Leave MM alone -- in my opinion if he is really just staying married for the kids and willing to have an affair that could jeopordize his family way more than just being honest with his wife, he has bigger issues than you do and he will only drag you down in his misery. Let him find someone else to have an affair with, and you can find a new single boyfriend who you can be kinky AND honest with. In my opinion a good relationship requires both good sex and real honesty. Life is too short to be living a double life, in my opinion. I know my advice is not right on point -- you wanted to know how to keep it sexual and not get tied up emotionally. I just don't know how to do that so I am giving you my honest advice from my perspective of your situation. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 What you are doing is completely selfish. Though what you can do is let your boyfriend know that you are indeed very unhappy with your sex life and that you are going to have a fling with a MM for sex purposes only. Maybe he'll allow you to do that..Or maybe he'll want some side action for himself as well that way it will be an open relationship for both of you. If he said yes, would you be okay with that? I mean, you wouldn't mind if he had sex with another woman and kept you as his girlfriend, right?
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