lexi29 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 my bf of over 3 yrs and I recently got back together. In my other threads I've explained how he left me for an old ex of his and dated her 2-3 weeks before realizing he made a mistake and wanted me back. I made him wait awhile before I took him back. Since we got back together things have mostly been wonderful and I love him more than ever and vice versa. It definately opened our eyes and made us both realize what we'd been missing. Since we got back together things have gone smoothly for the most part. I feel very connected to him and his 8 yr old son and he has discussed marriage although at this point I'm not sure what his plans are regarding an engagement. He's asked me to live with him which I declined. Our relationship is honestly better than its ever been. We don't fight at all! We used to argue a lot. Now if there is something wrong we just talk about it. My bf is very affectionate with me, very loving, very sweet. He will call every day to tell me when he gets home from work or if he's on his way home (even if I"m still at work) He tells me he loves me at least 3 times a day (even if we only see eachother for a few hours). He includes me in all major decisions he makes, asks my opionion on issues with his son etc. He buys me flowers for no reason but to suprise me, cooks me dinner, wants me to be around all the time. When I spend the night he wraps me in his arms and holds on and never lets go the whole night. Well the only concern I have now is maybe I am doing too much for HIM. I pick his son up from daycare probably twice a week, I had a holiday from work and his son had that same day off from school and my bf asked me to watch his son that day. I did this. I make them dinner probably at least twice a week, I did his taxes for him, his parents want me to do their taxes too (but they offered to pay me for this), I helped him move to his new apartment this last weekend, I pick his son up from his parents maybe once or twice a week if he has to work late and take him home and feed him and help him with his homework. I went with my bf when he went looking for a new apartment, I drive to his place every single day because we always hang out at his house (his son isn't allowed at my place because my roommate (who owns the house) doesn't want children there. So its either I drive to his place or we meet somewhere in between which we used to but don't anymore (but its only a 20 minute drive so not a big deal). The last three times we've gone out to dinner I've paid (using gift cards I'd gotten for christmas from family members). If I'm going to the store to get groceries for myself I'll pick him up a gallon of milk or something if he asks. this weekend, I cut his hair for him and now his son wants me to cut his sometime this week. I help him clean up his apartment sometimes when I am there. none of this is a huge deal but the thing is he rarely says thank you. We went out to dinner this weekend and I paid and he drove and he never even said thanks. the one time he did say thank you was when I watched his son all day. He was suprised I agreed to do this since it was my day off and I've warned him I won't be a babysitter (before we broke up he used to ask me to watch his son so he could go the bar with his buddies and I'd say no) So he was very thankful that I watched him and kept saying so. also I do alot in the bedroom- dressing up, buying him porn and watching it with him etc but I've always done these things even before we broke up. My question is am I doing too much? I'm doing a lot of things for him and he does a lot for me (emotionally) and I love him and enjoy his company but I don't want to spoil him or get him used to me doing all this while he doesn't reciprocate. I really don't need him to do anything for me- since he can't come to my place, its not like he can help me clean or anything- and I take care of the maintenance on my cars so I don't need his help there either, I occasionally ask him to wash a pair of jeans or sweatpants that I keep at his house and he does this. He makes me dinner on his own (I don't have to ask) but somehow it still feels I am doing more for him than he is for me. So basically how much is doing too much for your SO?
maynicholas Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I believe it's all in perception, so it will vary from person to person. If you feel he is there for you when you need him and if you know he would help you if asked then your doing ok. There is no set exchange rate in relationships. When you start to see things as needing to be evenly exchanged (not saying that you are) then one person is bound to feel shorted. Think of a relationship as a communal lifestyle. You help each other out when you need it. If you can trust that the other person can do that, you will be fine.
THE THRONE Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Can you see yourself married to him? If you can these are the things you will be required to do. However, you don't make much sense, and THE THRONE wants you to clarify something. You said: My question is am I doing too much? I'm doing a lot of things for him and he does a lot for me (emotionally) and I love him and enjoy his company but I don't want to spoil him or get him used to me doing all this while he doesn't reciprocate. If he does a lot for you how is it that he doesn't reciprocate? I really don't need him to do anything for me- since he can't come to my place, its not like he can help me clean or anything- and I take care of the maintenance on my cars so I don't need his help there either, I occasionally ask him to wash a pair of jeans or sweatpants that I keep at his house and he does this. He makes me dinner on his own (I don't have to ask) but somehow it still feels I am doing more for him than he is for me. If you don't need him to do anything for you whats the problem? You don't have to ask him to cook, and when you do ask him for things he does it so whats the problem? Of course you're doing more for him now because you're in a position where you aren't the one needing help. So basically how much is doing too much for your SO? This depends on the relationship. In your case, it is THE THRONEs opinion that you're overreacting and will eventually drive this man away.
shockandawed Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Can you see yourself married to him? If you can these are the things you will be required to do. However, you don't make much sense, and THE THRONE wants you to clarify something. You said: If he does a lot for you how is it that he doesn't reciprocate? If you don't need him to do anything for you whats the problem? You don't have to ask him to cook, and when you do ask him for things he does it so whats the problem? Of course you're doing more for him now because you're in a position where you aren't the one needing help. This depends on the relationship. In your case, it is THE THRONEs opinion that you're overreacting and will eventually drive this man away. LOL...you should of seen how she obsessed around Christmas when she thought she was spending more on him than he would on her. From what I read, it sounds like he reciprocates as much as humanly possible. It's just never good enough. True love isn't a 100% tit for tat! Is he still carrying on with the neighbor lady??
Author lexi29 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 If he does a lot for you how is it that he doesn't reciprocate? He does a lot for me EMOTIONALLY. He's affectionate, cuddles with me, listens etc. thats what I really need right now. However he doesn't do a lot for me like I do for him. I pick his son up from school when he has to work late, I helped them move, for example last night my bf's son wanted to go to the park and play and it was freezing outside and I"m sick with a bad cold and yes, I could have stayed at his house while they went to the park but I wanted to see my bf and I'd driven over to see them and ten minutes after I got there his son wants to go to the park. I don't want to go because I"m sick and shouldn't be out in the cold but my bf wouldn't tell his son no so I went just so I could see them. Its just little things like that, that bug me. As if I'm always accomodating him. This depends on the relationship. In your case, it is THE THRONEs opinion that you're overreacting and will eventually drive this man away. So do you think its right that the woman pays for dinner for the guy and his son three times in a row?? Because the last three times we've gone out to eat I've had to pay (because I wanted to go out to eat but he never said, no I can't afford it so I don't think its fair that you pay) and on friday when I went over to his house (his son was at his mom's) he didn't make dinner because he'd already eaten. He'd taken his son out to Burger King before he went to his mom's. So basically I had to fix myself something. Just little things like that bug me. Maybe I AM over reacting but I happen to think a relationship is 50/50 and sometimes I just feel like I"m doing more of the work. I just wondered what other's opinions were because I'm not sure what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like.
THE THRONE Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 He does a lot for me EMOTIONALLY. He's affectionate, cuddles with me, listens etc. thats what I really need right now. If he is providing you with what you need right now whats the problem? You aren't making any sense right now. However he doesn't do a lot for me like I do for him. I pick his son up from school when he has to work late, I helped them move, for example last night my bf's son wanted to go to the park and play and it was freezing outside and I"m sick with a bad cold and yes, I could have stayed at his house while they went to the park but I wanted to see my bf and I'd driven over to see them and ten minutes after I got there his son wants to go to the park. I don't want to go because I"m sick and shouldn't be out in the cold but my bf wouldn't tell his son no so I went just so I could see them. Its just little things like that, that bug me. As if I'm always accomodating him. Are you insane? maynicholas said, "There is no set exchange rate in relationships." so you need to read that several times over until it sinks in. He is providing you with what you claim you need right now so there shouldn't be a problem. You can't go through life and relationships with the "i did this so you owe me" attitude. You keep doing that and you'll live a single life with nothing but cats to keep you company. In addition, right now his son comes before you, so you can't expect him to put his son on the back burner like that. Also, if you knew you were sick you should have just stayed at home and not put yourself in that position. So do you think its right that the woman pays for dinner for the guy and his son three times in a row?? Depends on the circumstances. If they love each other and the guy is broke I see no problem. If the guy is a moocher I see a problem. Maybe I AM over reacting but I happen to think a relationship is 50/50 and sometimes I just feel like I"m doing more of the work. I just wondered what other's opinions were because I'm not sure what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. Relationships aren't 50/50. Relationships are sometimes 90/10, 30/70, 64/36 etc. Read the post maynicholas made a couple of times over.
Author lexi29 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 This is still somewhat bugging me and I don't know if I'm over reacting or not. If I am please tell me.. I feel like the more I do, the more he just takes it for granted and doesn't reciprocate. I pick his son up from school if he has to work late, make dinner (I've started only making dinner once a week now though and just let him make his own dinner) I did his taxes so he didn't have to go somewhere and pay to have it done, I helped him move, I took him to dinner for valentine's day, I do a lot for his son. Also he has asked me to spend more nights with him and I"ve started doing this. The only thing wont' do is move in with him (which he wants). Because I knew he didn't have much money I asked him to write me a note for valentine's day. He used to write me little notes all the time for no reason at all. He also used to write me notes if I asked him to or suggested it (maybe five times a year he'd write me a note) Well I feel like he should have a lot to say because we are back together now and he tells me he's happier than he's ever been and now tells me he loves me every day. So Just a sweet note like he used to write, basically explaining his feelings or something would just make me melt. I told him this and his response is "I don't have anything to write about" or that his handwriting is too sloppy or he doesn't have time to. Well he didn't have to work 5 days last week so he had plenty of time to write one. I even wrote him a note (because one of his responses was that why didn't I write him a note) telling him how I feel and that Im happy we are back together. He left me a voice mail saying thanks for the note and that he and his son love me more than I'll ever know. Which was very sweet. But he REFUSES to write me a note. I feel kind of cheated because I don't ASK him for anything. (well, to be faithful) I don't ask him to take me out, to fix my car, to make me dinner, etc. I ask for nothing and the one time I do ask for something (and its something he used to do all the time in the past) he wont' do it. Does that make any sense?
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