mcrae Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) She's always provided for me materially and financially.. but otherwise I feel like my mother's presence in my life is toxic. It's not that she's devoid of any good qualities, but my mother is essentially a depressed person who has never dealt with her illness, and when she's down she takes it out on myself, my sister and my father. This is just how it's been - she's anxiety ridden about us, overbearing, unsupportive, grave, thinks the worst, mean, low brow, cynical, negative.. the list goes on. We've not very close but we talk and live in the same area and I do love her in spite of everything.. I moved in with my bf of 2 years in September. When I did she threw an absolute fit. First she basically waged a campaign against it because she doesn't approve. She wrote a speech... which she insisted on reading to me while sitting in her car outlining why I should not do this. She flat out told me she doesnt approve of it basically because she thinks my living with my bf out of wedlock is immoral. She acted like I was going off to live in a brothel, which is how I think she kind of thinks of it actually. When I told her that it was what I had decided to do regardless - She flew off the handle. Said the absolute cruelest things imaginable about myself and by bf. Anyway it might have been the biggest, most heartbreaking fight we've had to date. It was very hard for me basically because what she said was so hurtful. We sort of made up after that, but she's always said flat out that she disapproves of the situation. She makes it clear from time to time - sometimes through suggestive statements, other by saying it flat out. I heard through a family friend that she got drunk at that friend's parents' house and went off uncontrollably on how upsetting it is and how she doesnt like my bf. She basically gets obsessed with these negative thoughts and throws a tantrum like a child. It has little to do the actual circumstances of me and my bf and much more with her. She's only been to our apt once to help me move something in. It's weird because she lives only a few blocks away. Me and her talk. She has my bf over sometimes (though isnt very nice to him). I've suggested she come over and she was always up in the air about that so I assumed she didn't want to come over.. too upsetting for her or something. Fast forward 5 months and all of a sudden she's bringing up the fact that she's never been over in this accusatory way - "You know you've never had me over in all this time.. I've never seen where you're living. Don't you think thats unusual? AT LEAST I should know the place where you're living.." I told her I thought she might not want to come over because she doesnt approve - she agreed, yes she had felt that way because after all she DOES disapprove. But she still should see where I'm living supposedly. She even specified that my BF doesn't have to be there when she comes, she can just run in. I have no idea why that occurred to her..... So now I'm extremely wary. I used to hope she would come over. It's a nice place and I'd like for her to see what we've done with it. But now I'm thinking this might just be another obsession of hers, another reason for her to make herself hysterical............ Can any parents out there or anyone help me shed some light on this? Should I draw a boundary or should I try to have her over and put my very best foot forward? The thing that makes me angry is she acts like my living with my bf is the defining thing in my life. Meanwhile in addition to where I happen to live I lead a rich life full of hobbies, friends, and events. I work full time in a good job and am a part time Masters student earning straight As. That doesnt seem to stick out in her mind at all or make her proud.. it's only my perceived problems that she can think about. Edited February 4, 2008 by mcrae
quankanne Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 invite her over, but as a couple – because I get the feeling that once you "give in" to her wishes to visit only while he's gone, she's gonna use that as a chance to badmouthe you in your own home. you're not a bad child for wanting to limit yourself to her negativity … you must do what you can to keep this type of person – even your mom – from suck the lifeblood out of you like an emotional vampire. Establish boundaries that YOU are comfortable with, and stick to them.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Ok your post confused me just a little bit, is she supporting you financial still or not? If she is - then I am afraid she will hold that over you as a means to control your life. My first recommendation is to stop taking anything from her! If either you are not taking anything from her, or you stop - then I suggest you just put your foot down. My parents did very much the same thing to me for many, many years - and stupid me I let them. I would be reduced to tears constantly - so perhaps my typing this will allow you to benefit in small way from my years of therapy. I finally had to tell my parents very simply it is my life, and this is how I choose to live it. They can either choose to have a relationship with me or not, however if they choose to do so - then the nastiness - both to my face and behind my back - has to stop. By continuing to be in regular touch with her, and allowng her to tear you down and be nasty occassionally - you are only saying that this behaviour is acceptable to you. STOP THAT. Remember you can never change how anyone else behaves, but you most definitely can change how react to it. Stop allowing this - I know a lot easier said than done, but by saying it the way I did to my parents (which I had to repeat ALOT) I made it very clear that it was their choice, not mine. Good luck
Author mcrae Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 She occasionally gives me $$ toward grad school tuition, but I pay my own rent, bills, food, 90%+ tuition etc. What I meant is she always provided for me - roof over my head, bed to sleep in, school to go to etc - and I guess in that way I'm lucky compared to some. I should stop taking money from her completely, I know that. I know if I ever get married I would not let her pay, that is for sure. I actually am in therapy. I do draw boundaries. I dont let her walk all over me, though what she says does get to me. I do not rely on her. I've been very independent since I was about 14. But the thing is I'm happy overall, I WANT things to be good between us, I want to be able to share with her.. It's just beginning to not look possible. We go through good periods and then the snide comments start sneaking in there and they build and build..
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