bigacesteve Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I met my current girlfriend back in October 2007. I am a Policeman and I went to an address where a female had been attacked by her ex boyfriend the night before; this female is now my girlfriend. I took a statement from her and told her that her ex would be arrested. I could tell that there was a spark between us but I was professional and I left. I bumped into her a month later in a bar on the dancefloor. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned and immediately she had the biggest smile and was grabbing all her friends saying "this is the copper I was telling you about". I spoke with her for a few minutes and then I walked to the bar. She appeared a few minutes later, asked if I was married, which I'm NOT and then she asked me out. We went out on a date the following weekend and everything was perfect between us. She told me that she has had 2 boyfriends before me. She was 16 when she left home to live with her 1st boyfriend; they were together for 8 years. Her mother described this relationship as "Stockholm Syndrome". He was a drug dealer and never did anything with her, leaving her at home most of the time and cheated on her. He also went to prison for a few years. Boyfriend 2 came shortly after and he used to be physically abusive towards her. They had lived together for a couple of years, split and then got back together for 2 weeks. She did not love him so she told him to leave. He returned one night and assaulted her, this is where I come in because I was the Police Officer who attended. 2 months passed and everything was great. We were together most of the week and then on the Saturday she met her friend she had not seen for a while... This is when it all started to go wrong. I got a text saying "I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER THIS WEEKEND, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO FAST AND I THINK YOU WANT MORE THAN ME." I tried to ring her but she would not answer. I texted her "DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT IS OVER BETWEEN US?" She replied "OF COURSE NOT SILLY, DON'T OVER REACT. I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW." We spoke the following day after a night of no sleep. She told me she did not know what the problem was and that she did not want to lose me. She even said that there was no problem. We met up the following night and we talked. Since then things got better up until mid January 2008. Suddenley she was making every excuse under the sun to not see me. But then suddenly she wanted to see me; very mixed messages. I told her the other day that it was not fair on me what she was doing. She told me that since she was 16 she had been in a relationship, she is now 25. She said that she thought we should not be in a serious relationship yet. I asked her if she wanted to end it and she said no, I asked if she wanted me to end it and she said no. She just says that I am her perfect fella, I'm what she has always wanted. She just says that it is the wrong time at the moment. I've asked her what am I supposed to do?? Do I turn other women away just incase she comes to her senses and wants a serious relationship?? I've written loads here and it just scratches the surface. Please ask me any questions. She has stressed to me that she is not with anyone else and that she does not want anyone else. She states she does not want to lose me but will understand if I end it. She however does not want it to end?? She said that she had never been single and at the moment she did not want to have to worry about someone else. I've spoken to female friends of mine and they are bemused. My girlfriend?? asked if she could have this weekend to sort her head out. I texted her last night saying "I DON'T THINK THE WEEKEND IS LONG ENOUGH, WHY DON'T WE LEAVE IT FOR A WEEK OR 2? X" She replied "YEAH OK, THATS PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA. U OK? X" I didn't reply... but I so wanted to. I miss talking to her so much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's been a long time since I used this site, never thought I'd need it again.
norajane Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 She's had two long term abusive relationships in her past. I'm not surprised that she's a basket case and really shouldn't be getting into another relationship so soon! 8 years is a loooong time to be with someone, especially an abusive someone, and then she jumped right into another abusive relationship without ever dealing with the fall-out and issues from the first one. Frankly, I would recommend she seek a therapist so she can spend some time processing everything that's happened to her, how it has affected her, and helping her get past it before she tries to love anyone. Right now, I'd say she has no idea what a good relationship is like and feels like and how to behave in one. Right now, you freak her out because you're not abusive and she doesn't know what to do with a guy who isn't abusing her. She's telling you she's not ready, and she's not. She's telling you she wants to date you, but not regularly, just sometimes. She needs time to not be responsible to anyone and to have some fun. For you, what that means is you can't have expectations of her that you would have of a girlfriend. She's just someone you date every now and then. If that's not enough for you and you are already attached, then you're better off not dating her at this point. You will only get hurt if you develop feelings for her.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Dude she's damaged goods. I'd say just leave her alone and let her get back on track mentally. She cant have a stable relationship. It tells something that a woman approaches a unstable man to have a relationship with. And if that's a fact, You dont need her. She'll probably start drama to just to have something to talk about. She isnt a normal woman and should be left alone.
amaysngrace Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 You are too normal for her. It scares the crap out of her that a guy like you would be interested in her. She has low self-esteem despite the fact that she may be attractive and interesting. She's been used and abused. Recently too. It's going to take a long time for her to get over that. One day she may get past it. But right now her head is nowhere near where it needs to be to nurture the relationship you are willing to offer. If you truly care about her recommend that she get help. I suggest a psychotherapist who will discuss her issues with her rather than put her on medication.
Jackieboy Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Man, you are a cop which means this woman IS NOT SUITABLE, moreover she is so unsuitable on so many levels, (criminal links, bad background, dodgy mates, untrustworthy, messing you around etc etc). Yes I feel sorry about what has happened to her but she should be someone else's problem not yours as she is trouble. Sorry to be harsh man but someone has to tell it like it is! Roll on out of there, protect yourself and meet someone nice and don't put your career in danger. God preserve us from flaky women!
Author bigacesteve Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Thanks for the replies everyone. Her 1st boyfriend was a drug dealer not her. She left him because he became a drug dealer. Apparently he was a nice fella before he started dealing. Anyway... I ended up going around her house tonight and she let me in for a chat. I told her I can't be arsed with this ignore each other bollocks for a week or 2. I know it was my idea to make it a week or 2 but it was a **** idea. Basically today I read loads of the threads on here and the thing that stood out the most was to protect yourself, look after yourself and heal. I used this site a few years ago and it helped a lot and I looked after no.1 and I healed. It took a long time but I got there in the end. Won't be easy but I'll do it again. I read loads of threads relating to No Contact. What I don't understand is... why if we are the ones getting messed about do we think NC is best and hope they come running back to us?? I went to see my probable ex tonight and I told her that there were 2 options 1) we sort things out between us but not by ignoring each other. We should communicate and work things out together, there are 2 people involved. If we can't work it out together then what's the point?? Problem will always exist 2) or she ends it. She has the problem not me, I've done nothing wrong, why should I make the decision for her and end it. She isn't even sure what she wants. She still says she does not want to lose me but does not want the full serious relationship yet. I asked her to decide soon because I have been a sad mess since Friday and I want to know ASAP so I can heal and get back out there. I've been in this situation before and I've been miserable the last 3 weeks. Don't want to be miserable anymore and waiting for her to decide was making me sad. She said she'd ring tomorrow with an answer. I reckon it will be to end things but at least I'll know, her loss. I love her so much but I've loved before and I'll love again I'm sure. I'll keep you posted, it's character building my Dad always says.
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