FlyByNite Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Hi all Am new to the forum, though have been lurking for the past couple of days following the break up of my long term relationship. It's only been a week and a half, but I am still really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and am feeling like I have run out of time to find my life partner (I am 28 in a couple of days). I have spent my entire adult life with my ex, and we had been living together (and owned property together) for the last 4 years. I can't go NC, because we have to sort out the financials and the property (I am buying him out), and am finding it really hard to cope (my ex left me). We had been having issues for a while, and he left in October last year saying that he didn't feel committed to the relationship and was not willing to work on things. He came back after a week saying that he missed me and that he wanted to try. Stupidly I took him back and tried to fix the broken things in our relationship, but to no avail and he left again on 25 Jan this year. By way of background, we had been having trouble in terms of intimacy in the relationship for a few years, though I had attributed this to the fact that I had out on a lot of weight and felt that he wasn't attracted to me in that way any more. I lost the weight last summer, and was hoping that things could get back on track, but it just seemed to make things worse. I now think that the issues were to do with my ex not feeling fulfilled in his job combined with the fact that I earnt considerably more than him (these things all happened at around the same time - I was a student when we met, whereas he was working). Could this be the problem? Otherwise, our relationship was great, few fights, and a lot of affection and support on both sides. I am also incredibly hurt by the way he chose to leave - he had not been feeling too good, and was off work, so I also took the day off to be with him. We spent the morning looking for birthday presents for me, and I bought him his valentines day gift. We also had a coffee and a chat about the relationship, which I thought was productive. We then went home, and literally when we got in the door he announced that he was leaving again, again saying that he was not commited to me and that he didn;t know what he wanted - there had been no arguments, nothing. I was totally floored by this - why would he have let me buy him a valentines gift in the morning if he was leaving in the afternoon? Did he set me up like that on purpose just to hurt me? Why would he do that? he also then went on to say that this was the only way that he could appreciate what he has and that maybe he will realise in 6 months time that he has made the worst decision of his life, but that if I am with someone else he will have to live with that. Does that mean he's not sure and wants to reconcile, or does it mean that he simply wants to keep me on the back burner in case he gets scared of being alone? I am trying to be strong, and have tried to keep communications business like between us - but he keeps asking if I am OK, and trying to be friends. I have explained today that I just can't do that, and that I want him to leave me alone (though I must admit I'm not sure if that is what I want, or if I am trying to get a reaction from him). So upset and confused. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thanks all in advance for your support - I have seen that this forum generally gives advice straight up, and it might help me cut through some of the confusion in my head!
calismostwanted Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Don't understand why such good things, have to be much so complicated. when he came back the second time she should of stayed for the good run. instead seems to be like he really doesn't know what he wants. like he doesn't really want to settle. i would keep things straight business wise. and i know is hard to keep your mind off this. trust me i know. but give yourself some time and give him some time. he'll most likely try to comeback for the third time. question is what would you do then?
Author FlyByNite Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Thanks - I don't know what I would do if he said that he wants to come back again. At the moment, I don't know what he would have to do to convince me that he really wants to try again - I don't believe him anymore. He sent me a text last night to say that he had hoped we could be friends, but that he would respect my wishes to be left alone, and that this was hard for him too, but that he didn't expect my sympathy. It seems like he wants me to absolve him of guilt for leaving, and to continue to support him the way I did when we were together. I think your advice is good - as soon as the property and financials are sorted I won't contact him again - I think that's best for me. And if he does come back, then I will see how I feel then. Thanks for your support!
onmyownagain Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 FlyByNight, I have been apart from my wife for a month now, married 10 years and with her for 15. Believe me, you will start to feel better soon. Not over it, but not quite as bad as you are feeling now. Just give it a few weeks. As for being 28 and too late for another, I am about to hit 40 and still think there is plenty of time to meet someone new, someone I can really be happy with this time. But I am in no rush to get someone in the next few months, just learning to love myself and really get to know who I really am.
sandflea Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 28! You have your WHOLE LIFE in front of you! I know it sucks now, but you are gonna be so happy, have so much fun, be so in love, and ROCK your world! You're so damn young... I'm freakin JEALOUS! I'll be 40 this May, and trust me, there's still TONS of life out there. Hang in there - you are still very young! SF
Snap22 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Hi! Let me start by saying that I really know where you are coming from and the heart ache your feeling right now. Me and my ex wee best friends for 8 years and a couple for four. The relationship wasnt perfect but I didnt have any cause for concern. Even days before the split he talked about a future, holidays, getting engaged, we'd even planned to visit his mum the evening he broke my heart. Then out of the blue, he says its over, he doesnt feel the same, he wants to be single ect ect ect. My world fell apart instantly. I had planned my life with this guy and now I would have to start all over again. It sounds like your ex was very unsatisfied with his life in general (not just his relationship), maybe he is unhappy at work for example. I dont want to be harsh with you but there is always the possibility that he has met someone else... This happened to me, he sighted the same reasons for leaving but hooked up with a girl he met at work only days after I left. There are many reasons why he has done this to you, most of which you will probably never know. Please go No Connact as soon as possible, Once all finances ect are settled, let him go. It really is the only way you will be able to move on. You're at a really tought stage at the moment, it's almost a form of shock. Try to feel everything your feeling and just let it happen. Cry loads if you want, scream into your pillow, go to the gym, do whatever it is you need to do but just let it happen. Good luck!
Author FlyByNite Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Thank you everyone for your messages - and my heart goes out to all of you. I agree with everything you've said - it's just on an emotional level hard to take I guess! Snap22 - I honestly don't think there's someone else at the moment, though i could of course be wrong. The feeling I get is that he just doesn't want to be in a committed relationship at all, rather than jumping from one straight into another. He's not happy at work, you are right - and hasn't been for a long time. I had been trying to support him through that - suggesting alternative careers and even saying that i would support him through college if he wanted to go back. He never seemed to want to do anything about it. I know on a rational level that I am still young, and I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad, it's just I had invested a third of my life with this guy and thought i had found the person i was going to be with. I haven't been on a date since I was 18, and have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do now. I know there's no rush, but I feel this overwhelming urge to 'fix it', meaning either getting my ex back, or finding someone else really quickly -which is stupid I know. I don't want my ex back unless he wants me - and as much as it kills me to say it, he doesn't. And it's way too soon for someone new. I think he was also feeling a lot of pressure to propose -all his friends are married now etc - I never even mentioned it, so it didn't come from me. I just don't think that was ever what he wanted. He said many times that he wanted to go back to how things were when he was 18 - i.e. we were dating, he had his own place, I was a student and all his mates were free to go out a lot. I think he's trying to get that back and that the daily grind was getting him down. The trouble is that he's not going to get that - his mates are in settled relationships now - and there's always going to be bills to pay. And like I said, I have a good job which pays well, and I think makes him feel emasculated - especially since he used to be a police officer, and lost that job just as I started mine. He has been working since, but not in a 'status job' like the police, so I think that combined with my job, and that all his friends are in the police compounded to really damage his self esteem. I think that this was the problem, though he wasn't prepared to admit it - and I'm not sure we could have ever got past it if he didn't face up to that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really arrogant and shove it in his face all the time - more the opposite in that I would bail him out when he got into trouble financially. But hey - he wasn't happy, and had been making me unhappy too for a long time. I was prepared to work on it - he wasn't. I need to suck it up and move on I know, but spilling on here and taking to people who are going through the same has been cathartic, so thanks, i appreciate it. Hope all of you get the resolution you are looking for.
Author FlyByNite Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 OK, so a bit of an update. It was my birthday on Thursday and I was off work sick the day before and my birthday. He came round to get more of his stuff on the wednesday - everything has been pretty amicable in that regard and getting things sorted out - and I found out on Thursday that he had got me a card and hidden it in the pile of cards that I already had for my birthday. Why not just give me the card direct? It really upset me just finding it there. He also texted me a couple of times to ask how I was etc as he knew I had been ill. He has also been taking his stuff over the past few days, and I thought that he would have everything out by this weekend (he said he would). However, despite getting friends to help him who have bigger cars etc, and that he is only moving the contents of one room five miles away (and the majority of the large items are actually going to the tip), he still hasn't cleared the room and seems to be only taking very few things each time he visits. I have asked him to leave his key once he is finished, but this is really dragging out now, and I don't understand why he doesn't get things gone as soon as possible as he was the one who wanted to leave. I also want to get started on redecorating that room . He also sent me a text last night which basically said 'I'm sorry things have ended up this way and thanks for being great to me'. What is going on? Is this just the trying to maintain a back up thing, or is he having second thoughts? I don't think I could take him back now - or at least if I did, we would have to take things very slowly. What I want to know is should I be preparing myself for that eventuality, or am I fooling myself?
strife Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 It sounds like he really cares about you, try not to interpret it as anything else. Maybe he left the card in a pile to show that he cares but wanted to avoid further interaction that could be misleading to you. I hope everything turns out well for you though, and happy belated birthday!
Author FlyByNite Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Thank you - I am trying, but this is still very new to me. On the one had he seems to be showing that he cares in that he wants me to be OK, but on the other hand he has done some really thoughtless and hurtful things. I am very confused!
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