PinkRibbon Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Ok I am in just a mean mean mean mood towards my husband today. He dumped me 4 months ago and I haven't seen him since. And today I am feeling particularly spiteful towards him. Is that normal? I am going through all our old emails and clearing them out and the ones that were really funny I am sending back to him with little notes attached. I don't care if he comes back or not but I really feel pretty good being mean today.
Woggle Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 What you are going through is very understandable. You gave your all to this marriage and you thought you had a man you could trust and he betrayed you. You have every right to be angry and spiteful but I wouldn't waste any energy on this man anymore. When the other woman dumps his ass and/or cheats on him then you can gloat but until then just get him out of your life as fast as possible and start living.
Author PinkRibbon Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Thanks Woogle! Yea I'll gloat when she dumps him but it really felt good to send those emails. It wa only about 8 of the very best he sent to me. So I didn't overload him but now they are out of my mail box and I feel good in the process! First time I have felt men towards him since he left and it is kinda libertaing!
sandflea Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 AFAIK - anger is better than sadness or grief. It means your moving on to another stage, and that's EXCELLENT news. You deserve to be pissed. When I feel that way I take my anger out for a long hard run. I come back and feel like a million bucks! And I'm not angry anymore either. Use the energy for something good. SF
Woggle Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I understand because I felt the same thing after my first wife betrayed me but in the end it all worked out for the better because I succeeded in life and met a woman much better than she could ever be. Maybe this will be a similiar blessing in disguise for you.
marlena Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) When the other woman dumps his ass and/or cheats on him then you can gloat but until then just get him out of your life as fast as possible and start living. Yes, PR, it it totally, irrefutably normal. We all entertain this sort of thoughts when someone we have loved and given so much to betrays us or leaves us. If you do or say mean things to him it only really reinforces what he already knows and that is that you are suffering. It is just the flip side of of crying and pleading and throwing yourself at someone's mercy. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. In my experience, what really hurts them is complete SILENCE. Ignoring them will surely make them wonder and feel a little less insecure about where they stand with you. Nobody likes to lose his/herpower. Besides, if you do something spiteful, you will only feel worse in the long run. Another thing I have also learned from experience is that the sweet taste of revenge comes much later when you least expect it and when you least care. That's when the score is evened and yes, like Woggle said, you can gloat to your heat's content. Edited February 4, 2008 by marlena
underpants Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Sure, I have been mean. I have some creative stories. You have hit the anger stage. That means you are progressing through those steps of grief. I may be wrong but I believe it goes: Denial Anger Bargaining Acceptance You might find yourself checking your email more often for a response. Letting a lame response or no response feed that anger some more. It is all part of the process. I do think once you let him go in your heart you will be in a better place. It is a process. You can't force the process, you have to work through it at your own pace. For a while it may feel like one step forward, two steps back...then another forward. You will get there. ...and yes, considering your story. I think he will regret the way he ended with you to sneak off with someone else. I have never seen that scenerio work out well in the favor of the cheaters. A relationship that has deception in it's foundation is not a strong base. In a way Pink, you are lucky that he is not contacting you. I know it may not feel that way.
amaysngrace Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I agree that it's a step in the right direction. If you can be mean without caring then you are getting over him. One day you won't bother at all to be mean. That's indifference and the only way to get there is to stop caring first. You're healing and that's good stuff.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I've been mean but once I et past the issue. OF being dumped. I feel indifferent. Even if she stuck her nose around again. Indifference is key!
Author PinkRibbon Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Ok the meaness has passed. I guess I was just feeling very teed off at him for all this. Changing my world upside down and not even so much as a backwards glance. I am glad I only sent about 8 the rest I deleted out.
sedgwick Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) This is a hugely long story, so I won't go into great detail, but my first love came to visit me two years ago. I was 23 when we were together, and when he came to see me I was 34, so quite a lot of time had passed, but he was still my first love so I still had feelings for him. He contacted me out of the blue (we live in different states) and told me he was coming to NYC and asked if he could stay with me. Slightly weird, right? I hadn't talked to him in 7 or 8 years. And then he sent me these sort of vaguely flirty emails (like bringing up some of the things he remembered about our sex life) that really confused me. So when he got here, I asked him to meet me in a restaurant and I asked him exactly what his intentions were with this visit. He was all, oh, I want to be friends with you, blah blah. So I took him back to my apartment (keep in mind this is a studio and I have only one bed and he seemed to think it was no big deal that he wanted to come here and sleep in my bed.) Long story short, he really had just come here to use me as a hotel! He didn't want to go anywhere with me or meet my friends or hang out with me at all, but he was doing plenty of stuff with his OTHER friends who live in the city. I just couldn't believe the rudeness, and I realized that the way this guy had kept me hanging on all these years was to be vague and then when I asked for clarification look at me like I was nuts and push me away. I had no problem whatsoever kicking him out after two days. He called from some bar where he was hanging out with his friends, but instead of inviting me to join them he wanted me to know he'd be coming in REALLY late. I told him he had to find somewhere else to stay and that I'd leave his bags outside the door. That's exactly what I did. Then he sent me an email when he got home telling me I'd forgotten to put his laptop charger and his books in his bags. The books he was referring to were these paperback '80s copies of Hemingway novels, books that can be found in any used bookstore for about a buck -- and HE WORKS IN A USED BOOKSTORE!!! I wrote him and said there was no way I was going to stand in line at the post office and pay my money to send him books that were worth less than the postage, but if he wanted his charger back he could send me a postage-paid mailer and I'd drop it in a mailbox. I ended it with, "if I don't receive one within the next two weeks, I'll assume you found another and toss it." Of course I never received one. Good thing, since I threw his sh*t away after three days. The moral of this story is that this is someone I thought I would neeeeeeeever get over. Oh god, I thought he was the love of my universe and that no one would ever compare to him. For YEARS I hung onto this version of him that was a total fantasy. And then when I met him again I was totally over him, totally unattracted to him, and able to see right through him. He has to put other people down to make himself feel cool and it's so blatantly, transparently obvious. I'm just ashamed that I fell for it in the first place! Oh well...young and stupid! But it ROCKED being mean to him. Edited February 4, 2008 by sedgwick
sandflea Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Sweet revenge Segdwick! LOL! It's so nice when you see them again. They look so much - 'smaller'. Kinda like running into a school yard bully 20 years later... Very nice!
Fun2BMe Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Sure, I have been mean. I have some creative stories. You have hit the anger stage. That means you are progressing through those steps of grief. I may be wrong but I believe it goes: Denial Anger Bargaining Acceptance Where would feeling sad/hurt fall and what does the bargaining stage entail?
Fun2BMe Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Ok the meaness has passed. I guess I was just feeling very teed off at him for all this. Changing my world upside down and not even so much as a backwards glance. I am glad I only sent about 8 the rest I deleted out. I had a feeling you would regret doing it, but hopefully it served to make him feel at least a little foolish for what he is doing. And the anger allowed you to delete all the emails and get rid of his reminders to you, which is a very positive thing that came out of it.
underpants Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Where would feeling sad/hurt fall and what does the bargaining stage entail? I looked it up. There are supposedly 5 stages of grief. Denial Anger Bargaining (when you try to get them back, change things, reach out or pray for their return) Depression (that is probably the sad/hurt phase?) Acceptance There are some good descriptions in various links if you google the 5 stages of grief.
CaliGuy Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Yes, part of the healing process. Yes, perfectly normal. I haven't had the urge to be mean to my ex other than telling her to stay off my web site. It's not so much that I want to be mean, but I did put my foot down. She wanted out of the relationship and as such, I felt she should have NO access to my personal life. I went so far as to block her IP address so at least from home or work, I know she can not access it unless she uses a proxy server (and I've blocked them as well). So yes, do what you must if it makes you feel better but strive to get to the point where you are indifferent about him. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.
oppath Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Yes, I was mean to my ex. It took me 8 months or so on LS to realize it is ok to be mean, and to even lose your cool during a breakup, as most people have been on both sides of it. I got mean when she emailed me after I told her 4 times in 1.5 weeks not to contact me, asking me to be friends with benefits. That wasn't when I lost it. I was crass in my response -- telling her that when she broke up with me, she broke up with my cock and I wasn't going to whore myself out to her -- and she wrote back "I was just joking." Well, no-one has the right to joke with my emotions after they have hurt me. No-one. And I let her know about it. And I tore her another ******* 2 weeks later when a mutual friend told me "so, that day she started acting distant a week before the breakup...the night before her ex boyfriend proposed to her." For the longest time I felt like I was abusive for expressing anger. I felt like it was my fault we could never be friends and that I burned bridges. It took a lot of time to realize: it is ok to be angry. It's even ok to name call on occasion if you are really hurt. It's not ideal, but it is ok. It's not the end of the world. Basically, I had to learn that it is ok to feel really angry. The great part of learning that lesson was that I didn't have an angry bone in my body. Having to experience intense anger and processing in not the best way has taught me better ways to process it, so in my next relationship, I am going to be angry more often if that makes sense, but I'll be able to simiply say "I feel angry right now." It's good to go through the anger stage. It's perfectly healthy to have some residual anger months later when you recall the breakup. If you don't go through the anger stage I don't believe you heal.
Author PinkRibbon Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) Well me saying anything today got me fussed at and put down again. We talked about the money that he was going to have to pay when we divorce. He said I didn't leave him in a good financial situation when I left. He kicked me out of the house and dumped me. But I left him in a bad situation. I heard how he is "literally terrified of me", that he is "uncomfortable even thinking about me", that the reason he hasn't contacted my daughter is because of me. That he is afraid if he does anything nice for her I will get him in trouble by saying he is doing something bad. Things I never have done. How I am crazy and he never knows which person he is dealing with and how he is glad that he will not be married to me long. I told him I wouldn't ask for any money if while we are seperated he would agree to counseling so we can at least be on good terms so he can be part of my daughter's life because she misses him. Not working on us being together but just us being ok with each other as people. But again I got called crazy. You know I am beginning to really feel like I am crazy. That nothing in the world makes a bit of sense anymore. I try hard at being a good person but now I am crazy and a bad person. And I make him sick. Make him sick?? what did I do? I don't know I just feel like everything is a waste anymore and there is really no reason for anything. I get up and go to work for what to pay bills? Whoopeee. I put myself through college while raising my daughter by myself for what? To be alone, to struggle, to owe student loans, to have the person I love tell me I am not worth crap. I am worth more not here than I am. I just don't know have mouch more one person can take. Edited February 5, 2008 by PinkRibbon
NotMyselfNEmore Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 PINKRIBBON.... This is typical "guilt behavior". If he feels guilty, then he feels miserable. When he feels miserable and disgusting because he is not man enough to go on with his responsibilities (such as displaying a stable behavior towards your daughter), then he's ought to find a punching bag. You are his punching bag. The only way to feel better from that Low state he is in... is by making you feel EVEN LOWER. This gives him an opportunity to NOT CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR while making himself look like the better person. Most people see their own faults in others. You are probably a very understanding person, someone who will pretty much "bleed" for someone else. He knows that saying that he's terrified of you will appeal to your "awwwww.. feeling". He's too selfish to provide continuity for your daughter and when he realized that he messed up, the easiest thing to do is blame you for his scared behavior. He sounds like a coward all around.... being mean to him is something you have the right to do.
Author PinkRibbon Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Thanks guys for posting. I like the idea of him being a coward. I mean what harm is there in counseling if the only result is to be civil to each other. I really feel pretty horrible right now and can't stop crying. I literally hurt and am so very tired of feeling like this.
underpants Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) ..................silly post........nevermind. Edited February 5, 2008 by underpants
Author PinkRibbon Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Well today was our last conversation. I emailed him one mail. Told him I made the appointment with the lawyer. I want X, Y, Z. I am citing emotional abuse, mental abuse, abandonment and adultery. And he is lukcy I am not dragging his girlfriend to court and tell the Dean of his department. I gave him 3 options to end this on a nice good note: 1: pay the money and we go our way and never look back 2: get counseling together for the seperation so we can become better people as we exit the marriage and my daughter can be part of his life and I would not ask for any money 3: say you'll at least think about it, open communications with my daughter and I will ask for no money I said all you have to do is pick just one. That none of them mean we are getting together but just being civil and adult to each other. Well I go a big fat NO on all 3. So I said the test of a persons character is how they treat those that are at their lowest and he has put me down, called me names and treated me like crap on his shoes and I'm tired of it. I said I am so disgusted with myself that I actually put him before anything and that I loved and stood by him. So I said all correspondence can be handled through the lawyer. That the thought of talking to him ever again makes me sick to my stomach. Ok I feel a little good but really I feel HORRIBLE! I actually said those things to him. I feel like I have broken any chance that he may come back. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I feel like crap on his shoes right now.
Author PinkRibbon Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Well it has been just 3 short days since we have talked and I actually feel a WHOLE lot better. I am looking forward to my future and doings things without him. I am in no way looking for another man anytime soon but rather just enjoying myself. I still miss him and love him terribly but I no longer want to be with him. I think the last email from him just broke the camels back. I am sick to darn death of being called names and put down. Let someone else have to deal with him because I am tired after 6 and a half years of kissing his butt. All that puckering is hard! On another note in my last post I mentioned I told him I never wanted to hear from him again because he makes me sick to my stomach.....well the next evening I got a short email about the insurance on the car. That it expires at the end of month and I need to have coverage. I am thinking DORK I told you not to contact me and I already had coverage in my name the day I moved out because the car is in my name not his. So he has been paying insurance on it this whole time.:laugh::laugh: If it was me I would not have emailed and told him. I would have let him ride around with no insurance. He HAD to have the last word. I was indifferent and did not even mail him back. If he hates me so much why email about car insurance? Goober.
Ms. Red Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Wow! Sorry this is long. I typed it up using e-mail. It looks even bigger on here. But, it's a good point for you to see how things can possibly turn out for you: The NC works. It's the best thing for you to feel good in the long run. Showing them you have no problem getting on with your life without them is the best thing you can do. It worked for me with my STBXH to make him be cordial to me. I kicked him out but he countered it with, "I was planning on leaving you, I've been preparing." Yeah right. Anyway, we both knew it was for the best. He boasted about all his big plans of a nice place & dangled a carrot of an apartment with swimming pool, garden etc. in front of our son to choose him to live with. My STBXH would alternate between boasting about how great it was to be away from me & calling me names to stopping by after work to complain about the negative things in his life. After one night he berated & named called me to the point I was in tears upon going back in my house ( I would NEVER let him see me cry) I decided I was allowing myself to be his punching bag. I quit taking his calls. If I had to communicate about our son, I would send short quick statements via text or e-mail that only pertained to our son. Once on a phone call about our son he asked why I was avoiding him & I avoided the question & acted like I didn't hear it. He ended up moving back in with his family. A house of 3 women. I am still very close to them & my son since birth considered it his 2nd home w/ his Grandma, Aunt & Gt. Grandma there. So, if I had to go there while my H was there, I would make it short & quick & leave asap. I spent more time with the ladies when he wasn't home. I would end phone calls or quick visits about our son as if I was too busy & had to get going. Act like I had somewhere to go or someone to see. Anyway, after a couple of weeks of never answering his calls, & making all contact short & related to our son only,he rang my phone 4 times within 2 hours one day. I had my son so I knew it wasn't about him. I learned later that evening through my Dad that he had been layed off from his job. As usual, he wanted to call me to have a shoulder to lean on in his time of stress. But, I didn't respond. My Dad said my H mentioned that I wouldn't answer his calls & my Dad told him I was tired of him being mean to me. He acted surprised like he didn't know what my Dad was talking about. My H stopped the negative behaviour & I slowly came around where we talk about more than just our son. He still tries to cry on my shoulder every once in a while. Once he complained , "this house is so loud! Someone is always yelling." Once I was on the phone with him & all 3 women were yelling at him for something. My response to all his complaints are, "Ha ha, You moved away from 1 woman bitching at you to 3 women bitching at you." And, I LMAO & think back about when he boasted of how much better his life would be without me in it! It's a sweet feeling indeed.
Trojan John Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I was living with and dating a girl while at university for about 9 months. She suddenly and unapologetically went cold and broke up with me because she needed to "find herself". I suspected that she had other interests and asked her about it several times, but she denied vehemently. About two months later she called me to say how she wanted to still be friends, etc. etc. I asked her finally if anything had ever happened between her and the guy I suspected and she replied with, "well, you knew something was going on -- it was bound to happen." This was after all the denials. I tore into her with all the fury and colourful language I could gather. I made her quite aware that THIS was one of the reasons she has no friends and she had just lost another, and that most people didn't care much for her at all. I feel a tiny bad about it now, but I told her just how ****ed up I thought her family was (deserves a thread of its own), and that she was a direct product of it, and slammed the phone down. She called back in tears and I could not help but laugh at her for all the misery and lies she put me through. I had the best night's sleep ever since the breakup.
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