Return of the OW

[BettyBoop]

Your behaviour reminds me so much of my dad's...he moved out to be able to see OW and "figure himself out". The only thing he figured out, was how to file for divorce. He refused MC with mom and never worked on the marriage. He took the easy way out, but still thought he had the right to come by the house whenever he wanted and he brought my mother to misery.

 

I have no understanding for a man like you. But then again, my opinion is biased by my own experiences.

 

However, there is nothing respectable about a man who cheats on his wife and wants a "trial period" with the OW while "finding himself"... Your children would respect you more for time you spent trying to work it out with their mother than any tickets to a baseball game.

 

If you were anything of a man, you would have divorced your W before you began anything with OW. Don't leave your M because of anything but yourself and after you can look at yourself in the mirror and say "I gave my marriage my all."

[mtndew]

I feel I did give my all to my M, my W, and my kids. Everyone but me. So what if I gave it 23 years total with a good bit of it very rough, full of anger, rage and some verbal abuse by W. What if W has changed a lot, but still cannot change some key factors, spending $$$, eating habits, drinking habits...? What if I finally mentally drew my line in the sand at six months and said enough, I gave it a ride for the last 8 months but could not get much farther than when I started? I know you are saying you couldn't give it your all because OW was on the back burner, but how long does one give and give and give before you run out of give?

 

By the way, the project with OW is complete, delivered and invoiced and No she does not know about any of the latest developments in my living arrangements. There has been no discussion of anything further than the completion of the project.

[Meaplus3]

It has been nearly 9 months since my 2 month EA with an incredible OW, single, who I did a contract job with. There was some physical but no sexual contact during that time, my doing. I wanted her emotionally before anything else. When the project was completed, the heat increased and she backed away saying she would not be responsible for breaking up my M, which has struggled in its 18 year life. She also said she would be there if I did end my M. My wife knew something between us was up, and it scared her that I had found someone to replace her. Our M has always been volatile with her continually running over me for the biggest part of time. Now I stood up and said no more but that I would work on our R without the OW. I have had contact with OW on several occassions over the past 9 months and we still have a great affection for each other, and nothing has happened physically between us.

In nov. 07, OW and I had lunch at which time during a great conversation, she tells me to read this book about a couple in a similar situation. Boy and girl fall in love, boy has to go overseas in the military and girl says she will wait for him. He reups due to 9-11 and she ends up getting married, which kills our guy. When he finally returns home, she informs him that her H has cancer and they can't afford the treatment. He recently inherited a truckload of money, so he anonymously donates to the fund and saves the guys life. His choice, let the guy die and get the girl, save the guy and walk away. True Love? OW then wants to get together after I've read it to discuss. Done, only to see her disappear again. In the meantime, W, has undergone radical mindset changes, I guess fear of being on your own can change a person. She has grown in ways that no one thought was possible. But OW still has a big chunk of my heart and I cannot get it back.

Monday, last week, OW calls out of the blue and says she has another smaller work project she needs help on and of course I say yes. Yes to wanting to work close with her again to see just where we stand. Just when I think I can finally start putting some distance between us, she stands back up and says I'm still here. But getting her on the phone our in person to get the particulars for the project have been near impossible. In the meantime, and it probably comes out as mean to W, I am not with her mentally, even though she is trying so hard. Now am I the worlds biggest fool for accepting the work, which I need, from OW. The roar in my mind was settling down, now it's full steam again. I cannot get her out of my head and it is affecting my work, my sleep, my trying to build actually for the first time a proper R with my W. But my heart is not there. I feel like imploding..... What's a man to do?

 

What are you to do? You need to have NO contact with her. If you maintain contact with her your going to add fuel to the fire..the ea will heat up and before long.. it could very well advance to a pa. It' seem's your v unappy in your marriage? Have you considered MC?

 

AP:)

[JustBreathe]

You've got your head in the clouds. Do your wife a favor and just leave her alone. No MC, no contact except for kid-related things. Don't go back home ever. You aren't committed to your wife anymore, you left your marriage a long time ago emotionally.

 

Get on with your new life already and let your wife be. I sure would hate to be her, being pulled this way and that by my husband who's pining away from some woman he works with. Really, do her a favor and leave her alone forever.

 

Complaining about her and her eating habits blah de blah, painting yourself like you're a prince to live with. It's just too much.

 

Good luck.

[BettyBoop]

I feel I did give my all to my M, my W, and my kids. Everyone but me. So what if I gave it 23 years total with a good bit of it very rough, full of anger, rage and some verbal abuse by W. What if I finally mentally drew my line in the sand at six months and said enough, I gave it a ride for the last 8 months but could not get much farther than when I started?

 

What if you had divorced your W before having an affair? Then you would have legitimate reasons for talking about her drinking and spending habits...with an OW in the picture, I don't care if your W is a mass murderer. Broken wows are broken wovs no matter how you lived your M.

[mtndew]

So you put up with 20 or so years of hell, where most "men" would have said kiss my arse and left long ago, or would never have gotten to the alter in the first place. You eventually succomb to the pleasures, emotional not physical, of someone that could be your fairy tale princess. You see LIFE is for LIVING not for cringing. Full of emotion, love, admiration, a co-conspiracy for it all. So your base is totally reset with new goals for this living agenda, but you are attached to someone else, see line 1.

 

Am I such an evil person to want to LIVE life? Not muddle thru it. When it hit the fan months ago, the in-laws all said they were surprised i made it this far. I know, I took a vow with W, for better for worse..... I know I know. So if I dump the OW who showed me the way, D my W and move on, does that make me OK?

 

On the other hand, if I move back home, lay down what I feel needs to be worked on in the M, dedicate everything to that, without thoughts of OW creeping in, and still end up sliding back into old habits, W slides back to old habits, I'm expired at 80 and my obit reads, "he mumbled something about would have, could have, should have... and passed away.

 

How about if i trade what Jay has on his tray for what Carol has behind door number 2, what would Monte say? I win a full blown R with OW where the sun always shines and we skip down the road singing Kumbaya. And what if a full blown PA was the most mind blowing experience in the world? I know, I know, what if it's the worst. This is why I don't do Vegas, I'm not a very good gambler.

 

By the way AP37, we have spent so much $$$ on counseling, pyschiatrists, psychologists, psychics, psychadelics, each has a new wing in their office dedicated to us.

 

Wow, this isn't getting any easier, but I appreciate the good stuff and the roast stuff. Kick me some more.

[OpenBook]

You don't have to dump anybody - there's no relationship to dump with your OW (or is there?). And no one should put up with 1 year of hell, much less 20 years. Life is way too short. And you're running out of time.

 

I haven't ever regretted WHAT I've done, I've regretted HOW I've done it. If you walk away from your W and M, I hope you do it with kindness and respect. And if your heart is sure that it wants the OW, then go after her.

[BettyBoop]

Kick me some more.

 

Lol, I'm not the one who's married. You are. You could have divorced your wife years ago if it was so bad. Which also is my point, you should have left years before you met OW. I repeat, you should never divorce but for anybody but yourself.

[child_of_isis]

Do know that when MM meet an OW they want to bang, they develope a 'poor poor pitiful me' mentality.

 

This is textbook.

 

You are not anything special, your OW is not anything special, and the A is not anything special.

 

Nope...nothing special at all. Right down ordinary, it is.

 

Textbook.

 

It's like life hands everyone a script. The same script. The majority play the role. Not ever giving a thought to the fact that it is nothing but a script...and a role.

 

Bad actors in a B movie.

So you put up with 20 or so years of hell, where most "men" would have said kiss my arse and left long ago, or would never have gotten to the alter in the first place. You eventually succomb to the pleasures, emotional not physical, of someone that could be your fairy tale princess. You see LIFE is for LIVING not for cringing. Full of emotion, love, admiration, a co-conspiracy for it all. So your base is totally reset with new goals for this living agenda, but you are attached to someone else, see line 1.

 

Am I such an evil person to want to LIVE life? Not muddle thru it. When it hit the fan months ago, the in-laws all said they were surprised i made it this far. I know, I took a vow with W, for better for worse..... I know I know. So if I dump the OW who showed me the way, D my W and move on, does that make me OK?

[mtndew]

"Banging" was never the priority with the OW, maybe in the long haul but not off the bat, so to speak. I let it be known early that i had to have heart and soul before the get down to it physical. She appreciated that, as a matter of fact that made me more attractive. I wasn't like all of the other guys. Anyone can be a guy, it's harder to be a man.

 

I am not trying to defend myself, make it right what I am doing or how I am doing, denegrate W through my words, I am simply saying I have had enough of the wrong way of life and am ready for the big hoorah.

 

And I disagree with you, I AM SPECIAL, OW IS SPECIAL, for that matter W IS SPECIAL. And the script is not the usual. If it was, me and OW would have been bumping uglies for a long time where I know she would appreciate being treated like a queen unlike W who took it for granted most of the time. But I guess that's life. We all take things for granted eventually. Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone... (JM)

 

As to why I didn't get divorced a long time ago, I was raised strictly religious and you did not do that sort of thing, or dance... or drink... or make love standing up, someone might see you and accuse you of dancing... so you stick it out and go thru the motions.

 

 

Comeon hit me your best shot.... (Pat B.)

[BettyBoop]

Anyone can be a guy, it's harder to be a man.

 

Oh my words exactly. It's just you don't seem to understand the difference.

 

I'm sorry, what advice were you looking for exactly? Because it's already been given to you. And yes, you are defending yourself. However, it's the fact that you feel the need to defend yourself that is interesting, not your explanations/excuses to why.

[Owl]

I completely agree with BB.

 

There is nothing special about your situation. The dynamics are exactly the same as they are in any other affair. EXACTLY.

 

Your feelings, you actions...nothing new. Nothing unique.

 

Same with those of your OW...or even your BW.

 

I'm speaking from personal experience, as well as a good amount of life experience as well. I've also posted on this and several other marital/relationship forurms for the last three years.

 

You come here asking for advice. You've been given it. Instead of taking it, or attempting to understand it, you respond instead with all the reasons why it won't work for YOU...because your situation is DIFFERENT.

 

Bullhockey.

 

Even THAT response is straight out of the book.

 

Do you WANT to be unique? Then stop rationalizing/justifying/dodging the issues, and start doing what you should be doing. You REALLY want to be unique? Do it because its the right thing to do...not because someone finally got you to open your eyes and see that its the right thing to do. THEN, my friend...you and your situation will be "special".

[Mustang Sally]

Mtn Dew -

It seems you have made up your mind, set your course.

I would say that at least you are not stuck in seeming marriage ambivalence, such as me. So for that, I think you are doing better than I - at least you have made a decision.

 

I hope you can follow it to completion. That is, letting you wife go. Since it seems by what you've done thus far (separating) this is what you want. I think I can respect you ending it. But not dragging her along while you explore the relationship with the other woman.

 

Just my opinion. Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[mtndew]

Alright, so this is textbook, you've seen the script, as poor as it is. What happens next?

 

Project with OW is completed. Tuesday evening she drops by in a rush, like she is 90% of the time, to pick up the copies for mailing. While loading the boxes into her car, we have a brief conversation about needing to catch up. I mentioned yea, there's been a few things happening, she says, "You've moved out!" I say yes and she briefly asks about some of the particulars and then has to fly to her next meeting. The only contact in the next few days was concerning getting the invoice to the powers that be and collecting the check. I sent a simple text on Valentines wishing her the best. I also sent the invoice via email. She responded businesslike pertaining to the invoice and also wished me a great day. Short and sweet. Today, Friday, she unannounced runs into the office, hands me the check, asks if I am happy and runs out to yet another appointment, late again.

 

OK Script writers, complete the chapter because I am too close to the situation to see the forest for the trees. Is our OW happy or frightened that MM did something no one thought he ever would? How does MM handle the situation from here? Patience my man patience....

 

I know my situation for the next three days is totally dedicated to spending an entire weekend with my boys doing whatever comes up. NC to a OW who is MIA from a MM who was POW. (POM?)

[OpenBook]

She is just not into you. Sorry man, I just don't see it any other way. She's making too much of an effort to keep it businesslike. She's getting her money, and getting outta there.

[child_of_isis]

It ends something like this...if you hook up with OW, you sit around and pine for your wife. Even more so if she starts bedding down with a new fella.

 

If your wife allows you to return home, you sit around and pine for OW. Of course OW won't care, she'll be wrapped up in someone else.

 

Your mind will tell you whatever it needs to, to keep you wanting whichever one you can't have.

 

Alright, so this is textbook, you've seen the script, as poor as it is. What happens next?

 

Project with OW is completed. Tuesday evening she drops by in a rush, like she is 90% of the time, to pick up the copies for mailing. While loading the boxes into her car, we have a brief conversation about needing to catch up. I mentioned yea, there's been a few things happening, she says, "You've moved out!" I say yes and she briefly asks about some of the particulars and then has to fly to her next meeting. The only contact in the next few days was concerning getting the invoice to the powers that be and collecting the check. I sent a simple text on Valentines wishing her the best. I also sent the invoice via email. She responded businesslike pertaining to the invoice and also wished me a great day. Short and sweet. Today, Friday, she unannounced runs into the office, hands me the check, asks if I am happy and runs out to yet another appointment, late again.

 

OK Script writers, complete the chapter because I am too close to the situation to see the forest for the trees. Is our OW happy or frightened that MM did something no one thought he ever would? How does MM handle the situation from here? Patience my man patience....

 

I know my situation for the next three days is totally dedicated to spending an entire weekend with my boys doing whatever comes up. NC to a OW who is MIA from a MM who was POW. (POM?)

[OWoman]

She is just not into you. Sorry man, I just don't see it any other way. She's making too much of an effort to keep it businesslike. She's getting her money, and getting outta there.

 

Else her professional life is her priority, and she just doesn't have (ie, make) time for anything else.

 

Either way, it sounds like you want this a whole bunch more than she does.

[mtndew]

Met up with OW for a drink after work. She came clean... still very interested but not wanting to influence my decision to move out or to muddy up the waters any more. Wants me to take my time and make sure of what I am doing, then somewhere down the road see what happens.

[StillSame]

Met up with OW for a drink after work. She came clean... still very interested but not wanting to influence my decision to move out or to muddy up the waters any more. Wants me to take my time and make sure of what I am doing, then somewhere down the road see what happens.

 

And you're telling us and yourself that your moving out or thinking of filing for divorce has nothing to do with this OW?

[OpenBook]

Met up with OW for a drink after work. She came clean... still very interested but not wanting to influence my decision to move out or to muddy up the waters any more. Wants me to take my time and make sure of what I am doing, then somewhere down the road see what happens.

 

Whoops, I was wrong. My apologies.

[Frances]

So you put up with 20 or so years of hell, where most "men" would have said kiss my arse and left long ago, or would never have gotten to the alter in the first place. You eventually succomb to the pleasures, emotional not physical, of someone that could be your fairy tale princess. You see LIFE is for LIVING not for cringing. Full of emotion, love, admiration, a co-conspiracy for it all. So your base is totally reset with new goals for this living agenda, but you are attached to someone else, see line

 

20 years or so of hell, who are you kidding? Get a bit of reality and be honest with yourself. You are just making excuses for your childish behavior.

 

Do you think life with you has been great for your wife? you can bet it has not, having to put up with your fantasy world and a man who can not live up the responsibilities he has.

 

You made the decision to marry and make the vows, I take it no one had a gun to your head.

[mtndew]

Alright, I'll admit all along that a good portion of the decision to move out was to see if OW was everything I hoped she would be. To be able to spend some personal time outside of these 4 walls to see how she ticks on different levels. And to see how I tick on different levels. I still am sticking to my guns, yes the ones, plural, that were figuratively stuck to my head for the last 20 so years, and saying that a good portion of the move out is to clear my head and hit the reset button. I am now realizing that a good portion of the move is revealing the true side of some people, relatives and friends, who I thought were one way, but now are showing sides with a different slant. The funny part, some of the ones I always thought had alignment with W, have alignment with me. Some who I thought I had, are swaying to the W side. Very interesting. And it is interesting to see how W is responding and reacting. Had the kids all weekend and it was fantastic. Lots of laughter and a good amount of sleep on their part, which is supposedly not true at home with W.

Now the question comes for all of you others involved in a Big A or who have lived thru one. As per my last post, I had a quick drink or two with OW after work where it was revealed the interest was still high, she just doesn't want to push the issue with me. How do I approach OW from here?

[StillSame]

How do I approach OW from here?

 

Any decent person with a conscience would not advise you how to cheat on your wife.

[annabelle75]

Any decent person with a conscience would not advise you how to cheat on your wife.

 

 

He's already left his wife. Stop beating the dead horse. You can't fault a man for getting out of a bad relationship. Do you find any person that choses to end a marriage to be a bad person? Some times people use an OW/OM as a crutch in order to help them end bad marriages. It happens all the time and in the end the OW/OM doesn't really factor much into the divorce. The marriage would have ended anyway. Bad marriages should end. No one should feel obligated to stay in a relationship that makes them miserable.

Edited February 18, 2008 by annabelle75

[mtndew]

Thanks, I'm not a bad person, just in this case because for once I know what I want, maybe not exactly, but I know what I don't want, exactly! I don't know if M would have ever ended, but something had to change. Dramatically! Back to the questions at hand. How do I approach OW to see if it was real or illusion? Or does the sunset and we all just move on?