Return of the OW

[mtndew]

It has been nearly 9 months since my 2 month EA with an incredible OW, single, who I did a contract job with. There was some physical but no sexual contact during that time, my doing. I wanted her emotionally before anything else. When the project was completed, the heat increased and she backed away saying she would not be responsible for breaking up my M, which has struggled in its 18 year life. She also said she would be there if I did end my M. My wife knew something between us was up, and it scared her that I had found someone to replace her. Our M has always been volatile with her continually running over me for the biggest part of time. Now I stood up and said no more but that I would work on our R without the OW. I have had contact with OW on several occassions over the past 9 months and we still have a great affection for each other, and nothing has happened physically between us.

In nov. 07, OW and I had lunch at which time during a great conversation, she tells me to read this book about a couple in a similar situation. Boy and girl fall in love, boy has to go overseas in the military and girl says she will wait for him. He reups due to 9-11 and she ends up getting married, which kills our guy. When he finally returns home, she informs him that her H has cancer and they can't afford the treatment. He recently inherited a truckload of money, so he anonymously donates to the fund and saves the guys life. His choice, let the guy die and get the girl, save the guy and walk away. True Love? OW then wants to get together after I've read it to discuss. Done, only to see her disappear again. In the meantime, W, has undergone radical mindset changes, I guess fear of being on your own can change a person. She has grown in ways that no one thought was possible. But OW still has a big chunk of my heart and I cannot get it back.

Monday, last week, OW calls out of the blue and says she has another smaller work project she needs help on and of course I say yes. Yes to wanting to work close with her again to see just where we stand. Just when I think I can finally start putting some distance between us, she stands back up and says I'm still here. But getting her on the phone our in person to get the particulars for the project have been near impossible. In the meantime, and it probably comes out as mean to W, I am not with her mentally, even though she is trying so hard. Now am I the worlds biggest fool for accepting the work, which I need, from OW. The roar in my mind was settling down, now it's full steam again. I cannot get her out of my head and it is affecting my work, my sleep, my trying to build actually for the first time a proper R with my W. But my heart is not there. I feel like imploding..... What's a man to do?

Edited February 4, 2008 by mtndew
add info

[StillSame]

If you allow yourself to be in contact with this OW and especially see her in person, you chance of fixing your marriage is slim to none.

 

Stop seeing this OW and in time, since your W is trying, your marriage will be fixed. But you need to stop all contact with this OW. Divorce won't be easy and it won't be cheap. Can you live with yourself and can you face your wife if you slept with this OW?

[becauseofyou]

You say you're heart is not there with your wife. Do you think that could be fixed if the OW didn't exist?

 

If you think there is a chance your marriage could work, and if you want to give it a chance, you need to stop all contact with the OW. You say you need the work, but do you need the work if it could cost you your wife?

[OWoman]

mtndew there's a choice here. Your W or the OW. You can't have both - not long term, sustainably, anyway. You need to make the choice and act on it.

[cj1988]

You need to leave if you know you are not in love with your W any longer.....you said she has changed, but that does not change what you THINK you feel for tehe OW. I do think if you have ZERO contact with the OW, you MAY be able to give your M an HONEST try.....but you have to want it........

[OpenBook]

Well, both women want you, and both are apparently willing to put up with you and your current circumstances... so why do you have to do anything? Just enjoy both of them.

[mopar crazy]

From what you have posted you don't seem to love your W anymore. Your heart is w/ the OW. Sad, but true. What is a man to do? Do what my H did, D your W so you both can find true happiness. My H left me for the OW (but later found out the grass was not in fact greener, so he begged for me to give our M another try).

 

You can't have both women. It's not fair to your W or the OW

[whichwayisup]

Your marriage will never work and get better if you still have the OW in your life. MP is right, you can't have both in your life - UNLESS you tell them both about eachother and go from there. Have an open-marriage, let your wife find someone on the side as well. Or, why not just divorce so your wife can find happiness as well.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

OP - You've already made up your mind. You are no longer connected to your W and have feelings for OW. You just have leftover feelings for your marriage. In time, it will all become clear to you.

[mtndew]

O.B., If OW wants me around as you say, why is she being so difficult and evasive to talk to especially with the time sensitive project we are committed to. And what was the purpose for me reading the book? To let me know that she may have found someone else?

Both W & OW know about each other, they actually had a drinks together to discuss her not trying to break up the M. Then I pursued the situation taking the A to the next level because it was like an addiction. I told OW she was not the cause of breaking up my M, just the catalyst to make it or break due to her opening up my eyes to life, and how to enjoy it.

Now I look at W and see how she has changed for the positive, as I have thru PC, and yes we have spent $$ on MC. Now I feel thru this she is better prepared for an R whether that be with someone else or me. But why can't I get there when I know it is probably the proper thing to do. But I've always done the proper thing and look where it's gotten me. And even if we seperated or did the D, I would be better with or without OW.

Maybe some time alone would clear the cobwebs.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Time will help you realize whether or not your W has changed for the better and if OW has moved on or wants you.

 

However, I believe the question is: What do you want?

 

Can you tell us, plainly?

[mtndew]

I want the fairy tale, the one I experienced for 2 months before the happily ever after never happened. No really, I don't know what I want. I now understand a past presidential candidates flip flopping better. I know I am in the 2nd half of life, still with 2 kids in the house, and I want a house that is happy and fun, at least a good part of the time, not one filled with rage, yelling and discontent. And I want a wife who supports me, not one that railroads me. One that allows me to be me... unconditionally. And I, more than anything else, want a mate who I adore and want to make the queen of our world, a world where we are great individually and even greater as one. A world where she is allowed to be herself. I tasted briefly the feeling of a soul mate with OW, one that woke me up and said you are a great person with so much to offer, get on with life and ENJOY IT!!!!! That's what I want! I had a glimpse. Is it obtainable or just fairy tale?

Edited February 4, 2008 by mtndew
correction

[whichwayisup]

You are no longer connected to your W and have feelings for OW. You just have leftover feelings for your marriage. In time, it will all become clear to you.

 

The thing is, he owes it to his wife, to his marriage to let go the OW and see if what feelings he has for his wife are real and there, but just have been buried because of the OW. Once the OW is completely out of the picture, those feelings for his wife could come back. But if he isn't willing to dig down and see if it's there, he might as well walk away, go be with the OW and let his wife find someone who will love her and not cheat on her.

 

And even if we seperated or did the D, I would be better with or without OW.

Maybe some time alone would clear the cobwebs.

 

Yes, time alone is a good idea.

[whichwayisup]

I want the fairy tale, the one I experienced for 2 months before the happily ever after never happened. No really, I don't know what I want. I now understand a past presidential candidates flip flopping better. I know I am in the 2nd half of life, still with 2 kids in the house, and I want a house that is happy and fun, at least a good part of the time, not one filled with rage, yelling and discontent. And I want a wife who supports me, not one that railroads me. One that allows me to be me... unconditionally. And I, more than anything else, want a mate who I adore and want to make the queen of our world, a world where we are great individually and even greater as one. A world where she is allowed to be herself. I tasted briefly the feeling of a soul mate with OW, one that woke me up and said you are a great person with so much to offer, get on with life and ENJOY IT!!!!! That's what I want! I had a glimpse. Is it obtainable or just fairy tale?

 

So basically you want to bail because life is hard at home. the bad stuff in life is hitting you, the normal ups and downs in a marriage, in family life has gotten boring and routine...Enter the OW who woke up passion and crush like intense feelings inside of you. So, that is what you miss and what you are addicted to. ALL that is based on lust, not long lasting love.

 

Decision is up to you, but because of those kids, maybe you do need work with your wife to make your marriage happier. Tell her how you feel and why, what needs she hasn't met and what you expect of her. I'm sure there are tons of needs you don't meet for her let alone make her feel loved, needed and special. Seems you both grew apart and forgot what was important in your marriage...Obviously you loved her (your wife) enough to marry her and create children with her!

 

The OW brings something different into your life, but you don't know if that is long lasting, let alone if she will blend into your life and be accepted by your children, your parents, your friends...

 

Go talk to a professional to help you, don't just up and leave your wife and kids to try out a life with the OW. That's not fair to ANYONE, let alone your own kids.

[norajane]

Monday, last week, OW calls out of the blue and says she has another smaller work project she needs help on and of course I say yes.

 

Yes to wanting to work close with her again to see just where we stand.

 

Just when I think I can finally start putting some distance between us, she stands back up and says I'm still here.

 

But getting her on the phone our in person to get the particulars for the project have been near impossible.

 

You are letting your imagination run away with you. She offered you some work, not to continue your affair.

[cj1988]

Sounds like you are going to loose both your W and the OW, watch and see! You are playing a dangerous selfish game and you will get what you deserve either way.....trust me, what goes around comes around and when your W does not want to take you back.....you will hit rock bottom and realize you were not living in an honest REAL world and lost it all !

[mtndew]

I've always had a wild imagination, that's part of my problem. I am learning to harness it in positive ways. That and looking at everything from every angle over and over and over....

When we got M, did I love her? Yes, but was I "madly in-love"? No, everyone I knew was doing it. Friends, relatives, etc. She was the best I person I had an R with to that point. And my R experiences were quite limited. I am now nowhere near the person I was then at the age of 32. My W brought out a more outgoing person. I already had a very strong work ethic but she helped bring that to a new level. But as stated before, I've been thru 20+ years of a lot of turmoil with a sprinkling of good in between. Now that I am ready to live life more on my terms than hers, will she eventually work back into her old routines? I have come to far to slide back down to where I was before. Does that make me selfish to finally stand up and say I want to live my life, my way, not anyone elses?

As far as the kids, I more than often feel I would have a better relationship and get more out of them and put more into them on my own. I try now, but sometimes it feels to W that I am undermining her efforts.

Some of which I see as very detrimental. Anger issues.

[whichwayisup]

Does that make me selfish to finally stand up and say I want to live my life, my way, not anyone elses

 

Then get a divorce, make custody arrangements and be a good father to your kids AWAY from your wife. You and your wife can still co-parent together. Just don't involve the OW IN your kids lives right away, that would be a bad thing to do to them.

[IM5150]

I cannot get her out of my head and it is affecting my work, my sleep, my trying to build actually for the first time a proper R with my W. But my heart is not there. I feel like imploding..... What's a man to do?

 

heh, we're in the same boat man. The feeling sucks.

[mtndew]

Alright, last night I told W about the work project that the OW and a committee she sits on asked me to do. W had drawn a line in the sand several months ago saying NC & Nwork with OW no matter how little she would be involved or no matter if it was worth a million dollars. I crossed the line in taking the job. I fessed up to W about messing up and I came clean. Everything remained calm for the most part, a big change on her part. She now thinks I set this up, taking the job, and then admitting I did it so she would get mad and throw me out of the house. The thought never entered my mind as such. I was looking at it was easy money and a chance to get the pulse on OW. But looking back on the decision, did I take this job subconsciously to cause an conflict between me & W, or me & OW, so I will be forced to once and for all make THE decision and get on with it?

 

 

Riding the storm out, waiting for the fallout, on a full moon night in a rocky mountain winter.... K. Cronin

[Mustang Sally]

But looking back on the decision, did I take this job subconsciously to cause an conflict between me & W, or me & OW, so I will be forced to once and for all make THE decision and get on with it?

Which is it?

What do you think, mtndew?

[mtndew]

I think consciously I took it so I could be around OW and see if she "is still here". OW & I did work together for about an hour today in a large group of kids, no one on one time. She was good, not excited nor nonchalant, just down to business. Subconsciously I think I did it as to force the issue. I don't know what the record is for riding the fence, but I feel I am close to it. And it is killing me!!! As they used to say on the tube... stay tuned...

[twice_shy]

It has been nearly 9 months since my 2 month EA with an incredible OW, single, who I did a contract job with. There was some physical but no sexual contact during that time, my doing. I wanted her emotionally before anything else. When the project was completed, the heat increased and she backed away saying she would not be responsible for breaking up my M, which has struggled in its 18 year life. She also said she would be there if I did end my M. My wife knew something between us was up, and it scared her that I had found someone to replace her. Our M has always been volatile with her continually running over me for the biggest part of time. Now I stood up and said no more but that I would work on our R without the OW. I have had contact with OW on several occassions over the past 9 months and we still have a great affection for each other, and nothing has happened physically between us.

In nov. 07, OW and I had lunch at which time during a great conversation, she tells me to read this book about a couple in a similar situation. Boy and girl fall in love, boy has to go overseas in the military and girl says she will wait for him. He reups due to 9-11 and she ends up getting married, which kills our guy. When he finally returns home, she informs him that her H has cancer and they can't afford the treatment. He recently inherited a truckload of money, so he anonymously donates to the fund and saves the guys life. His choice, let the guy die and get the girl, save the guy and walk away. True Love? OW then wants to get together after I've read it to discuss. Done, only to see her disappear again. In the meantime, W, has undergone radical mindset changes, I guess fear of being on your own can change a person. She has grown in ways that no one thought was possible. But OW still has a big chunk of my heart and I cannot get it back.

Monday, last week, OW calls out of the blue and says she has another smaller work project she needs help on and of course I say yes. Yes to wanting to work close with her again to see just where we stand. Just when I think I can finally start putting some distance between us, she stands back up and says I'm still here. But getting her on the phone our in person to get the particulars for the project have been near impossible. In the meantime, and it probably comes out as mean to W, I am not with her mentally, even though she is trying so hard. Now am I the worlds biggest fool for accepting the work, which I need, from OW. The roar in my mind was settling down, now it's full steam again. I cannot get her out of my head and it is affecting my work, my sleep, my trying to build actually for the first time a proper R with my W. But my heart is not there. I feel like imploding..... What's a man to do?

 

Whats a man to do? Uh, act like a man. Make a decision, either divorce your wife and do right by her since she doesn't deserver what you are doing, or forget the OW, break contact both personally and professionally, and put your heart in your marriage.

 

One or the other. Be a man and decide. But I will stress that I don't think a man that cheats on his wife, whether emotionally or physically, is a man at all.

[twice_shy]

Let your wife go, she really should be with someone who is committed to her. You aren't so, maybe you should leave.

 

I agree completely.

[Mustang Sally]

I think consciously I took it so I could be around OW and see if she "is still here".

 

Subconsciously I think I did it as to force the issue. I don't know what the record is for riding the fence, but I feel I am close to it. And it is killing me!!! As they used to say on the tube... stay tuned...

Well, I'm sure it's a tough decision to make. You know pretty much what you have (and/or could have) with your wife. She is a known entity.

 

But, I'm sure it's not perfect. No long term monogamous relationship/marriage is or could be (call me jaded!).

 

And the OW seems to fill all the voids that you have discovered in the "known entity." Or at least, I know that happens for most people in your shoes.

 

As you know, but I think you are denying, ultimately you will just have to make a choice. As you say - the limbo-land you are now in is killing you.

 

Or maybe the choice will be made for you? Maybe this is what you secretly prefer? What do you think? Do you really want your wife or your OW make the choice for you so that you don't have to face the burden of doing it yourself? I think that happens for a lot of people.

 

Answer me this: when you think about it realistically - and I mean REALLY THINK ABOUT IT - can you see yourself in a marriage with this OW? Long term? With all that goes with that? The familiarity...the loss of spontaneity...the comfort (and boredom) that can set in.... Can you really see it?

 

I don't know the answer for you, of course. But I think riding the fence indefinitely is tougher on everyone involved than making a choice for yourself. JMO. Good luck with your journey, man.