Elilmomma Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 My question is when do you know when to throw in the towel on your marriage? How do you go about leaving when you have children involved?
stampdaddy Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 My question is when do you know when to throw in the towel on your marriage? How do you go about leaving when you have children involved? what is your story?
TMCM Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Perhaps when you can honestly tell yourself that you have tried everything to save the marriage but it is hopeless. When you KNOW deep down inside that you have no second thoughts as to the decision to proceed with divorce. Is this your situation?
LakesideDream Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Elilmomma, I have no good advice for you. I had two children who kept me in a marriage with a cheating wife (although I wasn't positive) my children were more important to me than my pride or happiness. That's the way of it sometimes. You are the judge of it, how much sadness, or dishumor you can endure. I have heard it said here that it's better for children to be "from" a broken home, than living in one. Dr. Phil says so to. I didn't agree then, ten years later I'm not so sure. Best of luck,
quankanne Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 if there is drug or alcohol involvement or an affair, when your spouse refuses to address the problems that it creates within the marriage and in the relationship with the children. When there's just no more hope that the marriage can be saved because you've honestly exhausted every effort to heal it.
Author Elilmomma Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) what is your story? My story is a long one let me see if I can cut it short.. ok my hubby and I have been together for alomost 11 years , when me met I was 19 years old and he was 27. While I was pregnant with our first daughter he cheated on me with his ex gf. I didn't find out until our daughter was five years old. He started pushing me away, so then I cheated two years into our relationship,then we got past it and moved on got married then I suffered a miscarriage that really made me depressed and he was not there for me all he kept telling me was that I got what I deserved, I tried to take a bunch of pills to end my life. So I didn't want anything to do with him sexually or just at all. So I told him to go find another woman and I kicked him out of our house. So I decided to move to upstate N.Y. and I asked him to come so we can start over because I still love him. I was the one that always worked and took care of us financially he would stay home with our daughter and it never bothered me. So we move Upstate and I find out we are pregnant again, so he gets a job and a car all the while telling me how we are gonna do all this stuff together now an blah blah.anyway he had an affair with someone he met while he was working and I only found out about it because she called my house and left him a message. So one night he left the house at 3 a.m. and I checked the phone and it was the same number, he came home like 9 hours later all happy and excited. so I checked his phone records and he was calling her while I was alseep with our 4 month old in the next room. I gave him an ultimatum either me or her and he says he chose me. and that he ended it with her. but now he says he had the affair because I told him to get another woman, I thought we were past all the bull.... he was not saying that December. I am tired of all the arguing and his tit for tat bull..I am tired of sitting in my house wondering what's he's doing? or who he's talking to while he's at work?I need some peace and he's not helping, he tells me I am good for nothing.. so I said that's it I am done but I don't know how to walk away. We have two daughters to think about. I don't want to play his games anymore I am gonna be 30 yrs old in a couple of weeks and I don't know if this marriage is even worth saving? maybe we both did too much damage to eachother....I keep letting him eamotionally abuse me and it has to stop I don't feel like I am worh anything... how can I stop loving him and move on? Edited February 4, 2008 by Elilmomma
OWoman Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 My question is when do you know when to throw in the towel on your marriage? How do you go about leaving when you have children involved? When you have reached your limit and it's truly enough, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt! Having children then makes it easier to leave, not more difficult - wanting a better life FOR THEM makes you resolute about not putting up with things you may well have put up with, had it been just for yourself. If you're in doubt, you're still clinging to a shred of hope that things may be salvageable - walking away from something you will always wonder "could it have worked" will make your next steps more difficult, so you need to resolve the doubt one way or the other to free you to move on - either in, or out of, your M. Try for one last big push - have a Big Talk with your H, agree a plan of action, set timelines and milestones... or go to counselling. You need to be sure in your heart you're doing the right thing, whatever it is, and that you're giving your kids the best start you can possibly give them. Good luck!
TMCM Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 You may consider this a rhetorical question but can you truthfully say that it won't bother you if he finds another woman soon after the divorce? I ask you this because you have to consider how emotionally invested you still are in him. A divorce decree doesn't necessarily mean a person has emotionally let go of the other you know.
eeyore1980 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I need some peace and he's not helping, he tells me I am good for nothing.. so I said that's it I am done but I don't know how to walk away. We have two daughters to think about. I don't want to play his games anymore I am gonna be 30 yrs old in a couple of weeks and I don't know if this marriage is even worth saving? maybe we both did too much damage to eachother....I keep letting him eamotionally abuse me and it has to stop I don't feel like I am worh anything... how can I stop loving him and move on? I strongly suggest you go into counseling, the sooner the better. If money is an issue, find a mental health clinic that is income based. He tells you you are good for nothing? You feel like you are not worth anything? You have attempted suicide before, and you need an intervention before you get to that point again, because, yes, you do have two daughters you need to think about, because they need you. I am going to be very blunt here, so do not read any further if you are squeamish. My father committed suicide when I was 29 years old. My SIL cleaned up before I got there, but there were still bits of tissue and brain matter in between the blocks on the patio. Girl, I will live with that burned in my mind for the rest of my life, DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN. Your self esteem can be fixed, and you need to take care of that before you worry about whether or not this is a relationship you want to stay in. Please, please, go get some help. I've been where you are, and learning to love and care about yourself is the best gift you can ever give yourself and your children, it makes you strong, and able to weather the tough times.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 If you have to ask the question than you are not ready. Also, a friend told me, when you stop crying after arguments then you know its time to end it.
Author Elilmomma Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) I am trying my hardest to change and save my marriage but my hubby just keeps throwing daggers at me it's feels like I am doing trying to save our marriage all by myself. I dont' think I'd be able to handle him with another woman either married or not. But I can't have one day of happiness since he had his affair, it still hurts me deeply not only what he did but the way he spoke to me during and after his affair.I am in a situation now where he is the only one working and I stay at home with the kids and cook and clean, so how can I leave when I have no income to do it?I asked my H if he wanted a divorce and he says NO, or here you go again. I am just tired of being his doormat and him using me as his excuse for what he does. I am so depressed right now, I am emotionally broken. I am going to be 30 years old and I am scared that if I stay it's gonna be like this for the rest of my life apart of me is scard to leave too. I don't want my girls to think that this is a healthy relationship to have either. All we both do is throw daggers at eachother from past mistakes too how can we stop doing that? I am just a lost soul now. Edited February 5, 2008 by Elilmomma
juliegeraci Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I truly feel the time to give up the marriage is when the second party is no longer willing to either seek couseling, foregiveness and work 100% on the marriage. I had the affair and my husband forgave me and we moved on. It has taken a lot of work but I found out just how committed he was to the marriage in the process.
Author Elilmomma Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 We are working on our marriage now it's very difficult but unfortunately this at our first time dealing with this.. thank you for your advice you have helped to give me some hope that we really can make it..
pink_girl Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I was there....I had a husband who cheated and was emotionally abusive. We had seperate bedrooms for 3 years, I knew he was having an affair and let it go on for the sake of our son. I was MISERABLE!! I wound up sleeping with another man, I know that is so not right, but it gave me some light on how others view me....he made me feel beautiful and wonderful....in some strange sense it gave me strenght. I would not recommend that path for anyone, but it worked for me at the time. I just had enough one day and I left....I can honestly tell you that I have never felt more free and like a ton of weight has been lifted from my shoulders! I will not lie there were nights I cried till I had no more tears that I thought I was ruining my sons life, but 2 years out of the abuse....I feel great and I can tell you my little boy is just fine, he will now grow up seeing how a woman should be treated and what a healthy relationship looks like. I am with you in your pain and I will pray that you find the strength inside you.
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