sedgwick Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I was cooking dinner for a friend and remembered cooking dinner for my ex, and if I weren't so completely done with crying, I'd have cried. I can't really cry anymore. It's reached the point where I'm just exhausted from thinking of him. But it's so hard knowing nothing about him. I don't know where he is, how he is, what he's doing, if he's dead or alive...and this just wasn't how it was supposed to be. I honestly thought I'd found my twin, but he wants nothing to do with me. Or he's starved himself to death. I wonder if I'll ever be able to love or trust again. It's been 6.5 months since I've seen him and I still can't even look at anyone else. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've even found someone on the street attractive. I wonder how long it will take. I wonder if it will ever get better. My best friend is moving three hours away at the end of the month. The same week, my other closest friend is leaving the country until April. And the love of my life isn't speaking to me. Thank god I have my cat, yo.
Tony T Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I know you have gone through a lot of pain but I'd say you are quite lucky to have in your lifetime found a person you could love that much. There are lots of people who don't have that kind of success. Unfortunately, in this lifetime it's an absolute scientific principle that everything ends, I mean everything. Many of those endings aren't happy ones or ones easily resolved. But something has to have existed for it to have ended...and that's where you have an advantage over many. Celebrate what you had if nothing else.
eagle5 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 You have us too!!! It will get better, I believe there is more than 1 possible 'soulmate' out there, you know, we think we've found em then they sh*t on us, so maybe they weren't the be all and end all. BUT someone out there is, keep smilin, you'll look back 1 day and wonder what all the worry was about. Not easy to do now I know I mean V day coming up and all that, but it WILL get better, I tell myself that every day... Eagle x
CalamitousJane Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Sedgwick, have you read the books on commitment phobia by Steven Carter? They are about 10 years old, but I just discovered them. They describe ALL my past relationships. As a "passive commitment-phobe" I've tended to seek out guys who were leading WAY too exciting (=scattered and irresponsible) lives to do something boring like settle down and get married. I'm starting to understand that this sort of super-intense, instantaneous soul-mate bonding that you describe with your ex is characteristic of a relationship with someone who doesn't have a "self" of his own. This type of person doesn't have much to give you, doesn't have his own life. He doesn't move slowly and thoughtfully into a relationship, rather he's all over you like an octopus-leech, attaching deeply to your strong self, basking in your light until it fills him up, then running in fear of losing the remaining scraps of himself in your love. When you talk about him, you talk more about your sacrifice, your devotion, your caring, than about anything he gave you beyond his sick-puppy neediness. What did he ever do for YOU,? All of my most serious relationships have been like yours - I gave a LOT more than I got. Can you imagine a guy who could give that back to you? Cook you dinner, knit you stuff... ok, maybe fix the leaky faucet and protect you from street thugs, but basically take care of you and fuss over you and put you first in his life the way you put him first in yours? I'm working hard at imagining being with a guy who is as devoted to me as I am to him. Keeping this in my mind has already helped me avoid a couple of men that I felt drawn to take care of. I expect eventually I'll be ready for real mutuality. I will know because I'll be attracted to someone whole, healthy, kind, and giving. I know you'll get there too. Meanwhile, Carter's books are great.
Author sedgwick Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Jane, you've given me a lot to think about there. I've always been attracted to the passionate artistic types. I actually kind of liked when my ex was away on tour because it gave me time to work on my own stuff and not have anyone in my way. When the guy is too stable, I lose interest quickly. However, I have the ability to be a passionate artist, and to still love someone deeply and commit to them. Maybe someday I'll find someone else who feels the same way. I hate giving more than I get, and in my last relationship I gave a LOT more than I got. And when I look back at it, I realize that I was a great girlfriend and that if I had someone who loved me like I love him I'd have cherished it and worked hard to keep it. I try to tell myself that this was his loss. He seems to think true, unconditional love is easy to find. Maybe it is for him, but it's not for me or anyone else I know. I'd like to think that maybe, every now and then, he realizes what he gave up.
latefragment Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 i just wanted to thank you for posting here so frequently about your heartache that you are going through because i have been reading it avidly. I'm going through something similar. don't feel bad about how you're still in pain this far out of the breakup. to me it seems like you put it out of your mind for 6 months (writing your book, getting it published, going to mexico, etc.) so only now are you getting the chance to process the loss fully, you know what i mean? i've done the same in the past. right now i'm going through a huge heartbreak, the kind where you feel like some of your dreams were crushed. we had breakup talk Part I on sunday and Part II today, and to be honest, I'm absolutely ... gutted. crying, sobbing in the car on lunch break, unable to sleep and barely able to eat. But anyway, i'm sure things will work out fine for me. intellectually, i'm sure of it. my heart is bleeding though. to think that someone who was formerly CRAZY about me like no tomorrow, could lose their feelings so suddenly, is deeply hurtful. the things that he DID for me (and he did do things for me), not to mention the things that he SAID to me. And now this. Nothing. the story of your breakup - the suddenness, sounds really, really terrifying - perhaps more terrifying. sedgwick, i'm looking to you as a role model - you've been, and are, way stronger than you think!!!! i just wish i didn't feel this impending sense of doom and hopelessness. how will i ever find someone else that i am that into, ever again? that scares me, right now.
latefragment Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 sedgwick, to add... i feel like I am a passionate artist type too. i do music, writing, poetry. and, like you, am into physical activities - all kinds of sports, yoga, etc. ... and i can be "adventurous" as well with my life. i've lived all over, speak a bunch of languages, i like to take risks. i like the "exciting" guys myself - the irresponsibility, the moving targets. heck, i'm an irresponsible moving target myself! (well, I'm not irresponsible with others' feelings though - and i do pay my rent!) maybe that's the problem. i've also been attracted to the passionate artist types. sedgwick, like you said, maybe there is a middle ground, where two passionate artist types can meet and have a loving, passionate relationship that doesn't end abruptly with one or both parties jumping ship? who the heck knows anymore at this point...
Author sedgwick Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Thank you so much. It means a lot that others think of me as strong, because I feel pretty weak. But I am confident in my belief that he knows how I feel and he knows how to find me, and therefore I do not need to contact him. It does get better. I remember those first few days of sobbing. I literally couldn't even walk down the street without sobbing. I cried pretty much non-stop that first week. I still hurt now, 7 months later, but nowhere near like I did that first month. I can't imagine ever loving like that again either. I mean, I'd only loved like that once before, and it took me a decade to get over him. I was with other people during that time, but I never stopped loving him. And then one day I did stop loving him and I really was over him. I'm trying to tell myself that if I got through it once, I can do it again. I just wish I could stop missing him, because I know he doesn't miss me. I doubt he even thinks of me. I'm sure he's just happy as a clam to be able to think about music all day every day now that I'm gone. Now there's NOTHING between him and the bass! NOOOOTTTHING!!!! Thus I imagine that he is quite content, and has no time to miss me. So I feel like a fool walking around thinking of things to show him or tell him. I feel really lame for missing him, and for still thinking that everything would be more fun if he was there.
CalamitousJane Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 sedgwick, like you said, maybe there is a middle ground, where two passionate artist types can meet and have a loving, passionate relationship that doesn't end abruptly with one or both parties jumping ship? who the heck knows anymore at this point... Same here - I've never been the "settling down" type - even though I managed to obtain a daughter early on. Luckily she inherited my sense of adventure, and I've also always managed to pay the rent. But yeah, exactly. I don't need or want conventional or traditional or conservative or boring. I just want someone who can stay as devoted to me as I am to him. Someone to keep coming home with or home to. I've always loved the poem "Wild Nights" by Emily Dickinson: Wild Nights - Wild Nights! Were I with thee Wild Nights should be Our luxury! Futile - the Winds - To a Heart in port - Done with the Compass - Done with the Chart! Rowing in Eden - Ah, the Sea! Might I but moor - Tonight - In Thee! That's what I want. I wonder if such a man exists?
latefragment Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 calamitousjane - it's good to see you on here again ... i hope sedgwick doesn't mind or considers this derailing - but i hope you are doing better with the no contact with your foreign ex? my heart is absolutely breaking right now. as i told you before, i'd suspected it was over but we didn't explicitly talk about it until the last few days, when he confirmed. paaaiinnnful.
micahmo77 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Well Sedgewick, all I can say is that I hope everyhing gets better for you and I know what your going through. I miss my girl more than anything, everything reminds me of my love. Its a crapy feeling I know, I do wish you the best and hope your heart will stop hurting soon.
Author sedgwick Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Thank you micahmo. You too. We'll get through it. We just have to keep hoping that someday we'll find someone who isn't afraid to love us back.
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