LadyDi Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Please give me some insight into how people have survived the weeks/months after their affair has been discovered, then ended, at work. I know all the advise/counseling boards say the only way to completely heal the marriage is for one of the parties to quit/leave/transfer out. What if this is impossible?! I am asking from the OW's point of view. His wife discovered the affair, drama etc., and now they are working on the marriage. This is fine, I am M too, and this was only a work fling. Both of us had been friends for years, and it got out of hand. The emotional attachment is still there, but neither of us can leave the job. We don't work closely together, but still for the same company, and we will still see each other occassionally. From all I've read, the wife will never feel better while I am employed here. But I can't leave, and apparently he can't either. So what have people done in the past? I don't want to cause any more pain/hurt than I've already caused them...but I need my job. Has anyone done this before and things worked out? I know the next month or so is going to be difficult until I gt over my feelings for him, but I really do want him to be happy and work it out. Advise??
child_of_isis Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 If it impossible, what can you do but stay there and deal with it? Avoid him or the areas that he will be, at all cost. What if W goes after your job? That happens quite a bit. Actually, I think it is a pretty common procedure to keep an A out in the light of day. She usually insists that one go...one way or the other.
OpenBook Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Yes. You must be the consummate professional, without fail, in every interaction you have with him. People are watching. Don't bring up anything personal with him; always keep the topic about work, if you must talk to him at all. Always do what's best for the company. Also, don't confide in anyone at work about your A. These things have a way of getting mysteriously widespread. As it is - if you haven't told anyone so far - it's just rumor and innuendo, no one has proof that anything happened. However, there IS rumor and innuendo. People aren't blind, or stupid. They have observed your body language when you're around him. You must be prepared for some snide remarks, fishing expeditions, and even uncooperative attitudes toward you. It has been my experience that the true nature of people comes out at times like these. The vicious, catty types will make themselves known. These are the people you need to avoid in your career, A or not. Good luck. There's a lot of us out there who have been in your shoes, if that's any comfort. When in doubt, always do what's best for the company... you can't go wrong with that approach.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Do your best to go out of your way when you see him at work. If you don't directly work with him, there's no reason to talk to him. If you do cross paths, keep it professional and business like - NO personal conversations at all.
smartgirl Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Please give me some insight into how people have survived the weeks/months after their affair has been discovered, then ended, at work. I know all the advise/counseling boards say the only way to completely heal the marriage is for one of the parties to quit/leave/transfer out. What if this is impossible?! I am asking from the OW's point of view. His wife discovered the affair, drama etc., and now they are working on the marriage. This is fine, I am M too, and this was only a work fling. Both of us had been friends for years, and it got out of hand. The emotional attachment is still there, but neither of us can leave the job. We don't work closely together, but still for the same company, and we will still see each other occassionally. From all I've read, the wife will never feel better while I am employed here. But I can't leave, and apparently he can't either. So what have people done in the past? I don't want to cause any more pain/hurt than I've already caused them...but I need my job. Has anyone done this before and things worked out? I know the next month or so is going to be difficult until I gt over my feelings for him, but I really do want him to be happy and work it out. Advise?? I'm answering without having read a single other post. My H was in a year long A (8 months of it PA) before I found out. They had "broken up" and were in the process of figuring out how they could go on working there after all that when I found out. The fact that they have continued working together for a year and 3/4 since D-day has been crippling for me. He runs the company and can't leave. She could leave and has left many a job, but won't. I honestly don't know what her reasons are. I don't get the sense that you have had the same difficulty letting go that his OW has. She had been married for over 10 years when they started and is still married, though I believe she was very ready to leave the marriage. Continuing to work together has made this whole thing harder for all of us. She can't/wouldn't let go (I say this because she has a long history of "having to win" in all her other relationships) and kept up highly emotional conversations for almost a year after d-day. He is able to move on, but it has taken much longer because, to be honest, both she and I have made him relive it so many times. I can't move on as long as I know they are still working together. It pains me in ways I cannot express adequately and keeps me tied to the past in a way I don't want to be. Knowing they are still in that environment, still having to see her at the few social events is painful. That's me, now for you........ I understand that neither of you may be able to leave, so this is what I will tell you --- and I truly believe this to be true. o How both of you behave will make the difference here. You both have to agree to not discuss how you feel, how hard it is, how you feel betrayed, whatever. You were both married and seem to both want to get on with your real lives. You will naturally want to talk about your feelings with the one person who will understand. Don't. It will just make it worse. o Time does heal all wounds. In time, the intensity of your feelings will begin to fade and so will his. You will not notice it happening, it will simply move along regardless of what you intend. o This is a flame. The way to put out flames is to smother them, do not feed them. Avoid seeing each other. Whatever your urge or loneliness, do NOT discuss the events of the past, the feelings, your hopes -- nothing personal. You will feel lonely and alone, there is no way around this. (The BS does too). Don't discuss with friends and don't discuss with him -- both of these things will only hold you back. Find a good therapist and that is the only person you should talk to. o Take a good hard look at what was going on in your marriage that lead you to be vulnerable to this. Nothing is just a fling. You needed something and decided you could get it from your coworker. Figure out what the "it" is. That is harder than you might expect. Then seriously consider going into counselling with your H to find out how to get what you need with him. God willing, you have a long life ahead of you with him, make it the best it could be. o Say to yourself, the MM's happiness is not my responsibility! It is for him and his wife to figure out from this point on. Your happiness is for you and your H to figure out. You will find no productive answers from your former lover. o Don't cultivate your nurturing side which is likely what got you into this problem in the first place. Turn the MM off like a faucet. You got some questions answered for yourself through this. Now it is over. If you need to, pretend he is a complete jackass, just shut him off and if he comes to you to cry on your shoulder let him know that is not what will help and send him home. I wish you luck. It won't be easy, but it is done and you will be better for it if you don't ignore the fact that your marriage likely needs some serious attention from you at this point.
Author LadyDi Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) Thanks for the responses. The W only threatened to go public at work with this if "I" contacted him. Hellooooo! He's been the person who does all the contacting, e-mails etc., but that's not the point here. I don't think she'll go after my job, but you never know I guess. Once she found out, she insisted we all meet so she could hear him tell me it's over. I really didn't want to do that, but did because he begged and said if I cared for him, to help him with this. So I did, and as you can imagine it was ugly. I never said anything but "I'm sorry and we're done", over and over. She vented for about 15 minutes before I finally left. I do still have feelings for him, this hurts like hell, but I'm not doing this crap again for all the tea in China! No wonder people say work place romances/affairs are bad ideas. No crap! No contact would be so much easier if I didn't have to run into him. But I will take your advise and avoid any place he's at, etc. But it is hard not to talk to somebody about this. He has his W and now the M counselor, but I can't talk to anyone. This sucks for everyone, I know. Thanks for the insight, I appreciate it. And I know I need to figure out what's missing in my own marriage....but just don't know how to go about it. My H thinks everything is great. Edited February 4, 2008 by LadyDi
LILA BELL Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 is your A with MM over ? does he still want to continue the A ? i am in kind of the same situation although the A is over we still work together his W knows of the A my husband never found out,i dont have to work with him but we do work for the same company it is hard because i do have feelings for him still.i cant tell you to quit your job because i dont know your situation,i have thought of quitting but i love my job,i just try and stay away from him i do see him everyday. honestly i can't really give much advice on this situation because im still in need of advice myself.what i do everyday at work is just try to avoid him when i know i have to walk by his area i always take someone along with me just so i dont get tempted to look his way,basically i take it day by day
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Keep those emails he sends you. Don't reply to ANY of them, just file them. All I can say is, you're very lucky his wife hasn't contacted your husband. Many BS's expose the A to the other spouse to make sure the A has actually ended and won't start up again. Four eyes looking instead of just two. Have you considered seeking counselling for youself so you can have someone to talk to about this? Have you talked to your husband about how unhappy you are in the marriage? Allowing him to think everything is great isn't fair to him. How he is supposed to fix things if he doesn't know it's broken? Talk to him, get yourselves to marriage counselling too.
Owl Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Its going to continue to hurt. That hurt is exactly why everyone says that one or the other has to leave the workplace in order for recovery to occur. You're living it firsthand... Its also not impossible...its just not what you (or apparently he either) wants to do. I'm curious...does your H know about your affair? How does he feel about you working with OM/MM?
smartgirl Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I hope you can find your way to seeing a therapist. They can hopefully help you to figure out what itch you were looking to scratch. But most important, they are someone safe to talk to. You do need to talk about this and it cannot, I repeat, cannot be with MM. I also highly recommend avoiding friends and family. Trust me, even in small ways they will cause problems for you later when you have moved on and don't want to be reminded of it anymore. Further, it has been my experience that no matter how good a friend they are, they will repeat what you tell them to at least one person and it goes on from there. One of the biggest problems we had was the OW wanting to continue talking to H about how she was feeling and how hard it was to get back into her marriage. This went on for about 9 months after d-day. It caused lingering damage to me and my H and it was clear it just made things even worse for her. If your MM tries to do this you have to shut it down. It might seem like it would help to talk about it, but it has the opposite effect. As far as finding out what you are needing, I would recommend a basic relationship book - Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. Our MC recommended it. Short, easy read and a little goofy in spots but it really helped me to understand some things about myself and why certain things make me feel good and others make me feel bad. It was surprisingly eye-opening and I can't recommend it enough as a place to start.
NoIDidn't Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Please give me some insight into how people have survived the weeks/months after their affair has been discovered, then ended, at work. I know all the advise/counseling boards say the only way to completely heal the marriage is for one of the parties to quit/leave/transfer out. What if this is impossible?! I am asking from the OW's point of view. His wife discovered the affair, drama etc., and now they are working on the marriage. This is fine, I am M too, and this was only a work fling. Both of us had been friends for years, and it got out of hand. The emotional attachment is still there, but neither of us can leave the job. We don't work closely together, but still for the same company, and we will still see each other occassionally. From all I've read, the wife will never feel better while I am employed here. But I can't leave, and apparently he can't either. So what have people done in the past? I don't want to cause any more pain/hurt than I've already caused them...but I need my job. Has anyone done this before and things worked out? I know the next month or so is going to be difficult until I gt over my feelings for him, but I really do want him to be happy and work it out. Advise?? Are you tempted to call him or something? What exactly is it that you are looking for? A way to make him the one that leaves? Or a way to help you get over it sooner? You won't get over it sooner. You will have to go through it to get through it. That being said, I find that whether or not the man has committed to working on his M after the A ends, they still don't like the continued contact. In my experience, we (me and my H) hadn't committed to fixing our M immediately after the A was ended and discovered. But he didn't want the OW confusing things by constantly calling him and asking how he was, how I was, or anything. Your best bet: let him be. And just *be* to yourself as well. You run the risk of having your BH contacted if you upset the xMM and his BW. That would only make things ten times worst than they actually are already.
Author LadyDi Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I'm not looking to continue the A. Its over. I was looking for people that perhaps had an A at some point (work related) and were able to still work at their same jobs w/out drama everyday. I've gotten some answers already (thank you!)I'm not looking to rock the boat or cause anybody anymore pain or suffering. That's all.
smartgirl Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I hope the advice has helped, though I don't think you got much from people who had actually been through it. The things I mentioned were learned the hard way via my H's A. Unfortunately, most people have to figure it out via trial and error. I hope you don't. I wish you could switch jobs. It would be much easier for you. But if you avoid all non-work contact -- no phone calls, sidebar conversations, emails, etc -- you will be surprised at how soon the feelings will begin to fade. At least the intense, addictive ones. And then the others will follow. You also have to be somewhat cautious about spending too much time here. I've periodically had to drop off for periods of time because this can be its own kind of obsessive problem. Good luck.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I'm not looking to continue the A. Its over. I was looking for people that perhaps had an A at some point (work related) and were able to still work at their same jobs w/out drama everyday. I've gotten some answers already (thank you!)I'm not looking to rock the boat or cause anybody anymore pain or suffering. That's all. Why can't you find another job? I mean sure it may take some time, but I'm pretty sure you can do it if you want to. Your getting divorced right? If you can hang on until the divorce is through, then you might be home free.
torranceshipman Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I've been through it - the guy and I worked very close on a daily basis and I can say hand on heart, it didnt bother me at all, other than the fact I found him annoying - he was a spineless, mean person who had basically lied a lot so once I realised that, it was easy to walk away - so whether or not I saw him at work made no difference to those feelings! I think its just about being professional really....really dont romanticise what you had - know its time to move on, and move on...
smartgirl Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I meant to mention that you might want to try posting this thread on the Infidelity forum. There are a number of people who are in your position that have been posting lately. I had a similar thread, though from the outside looking in view of the BS. I think that if you are going to work on your marriage, you might want to refocus as a WS rather than an OW anyway.
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