spincal Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Hello, I’ve enjoyed reading the advice posted on here and hopefully I can benefit. I’ve been dating a great girl for 3 months now and everything has been great so far. She is in her early 30s and I’m in my mid 30s. We haven’t had sex yet. About three weeks ago she asked me how I felt about her and I told her I was crazy for her and that I really liked her. She told me that she really likes me, but she wants to take it slow. She indicated that the last time she felt this passionate for somebody she got hurt. I told her that I understand and don’t want to do anything to make her uncomfortable. A few days ago we had the exclusive talk. I asked if she was seeing anyone else. She said no and wasn’t planning on dating anyone else. I told her that I wouldn’t be able to continue seeing her if she was dating someone else. She said she wasn’t ready for a commitment yet and that she wants to take it slow, wants to think about it. I’m concerned that by bringing up the exclusive topic, I might’ve scared her and now push her away. She is away this week on business and with valentines day coming up, I don’t want to make things awkward. I’m just not too sure how to proceed.
gemmab2020 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 so is she not committing to dating you exclusively?
Author spincal Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 yeah, she doesn't want to date me exclusively. she isn't ready to commit to any relationship. she then stated that she wasn't dating anyone else or planning to. i know it might sound superficial, but i haven't dated a woman for three months without having sex. i either knew within the first few dates or it was cleat that there was not going to be any sex. that is what's throwing me off...i also have a feeling that there may be health issues, but can't be certain.
Winfield Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 With regard to the "exclusive" talk (with which there's no harm), maybe you put her off by saying you wouldn't date her if she was seeing someone else? yeah, she doesn't want to date me exclusively. she isn't ready to commit to any relationship. she then stated that she wasn't dating anyone else or planning to. IMO, that's as good as (or is) exclusive, is it not?
backspn Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) Hmm...this post seems terribly like the one I posted. I had that talk 10 days ago with my GF Spincal. She said she wanted to go back to when we were not exclusive. She told me the same thing your GF told you. She got too close to you and that scares her. I spent the last week with letting my GF do all the contacting. When she contacted me we talked and when she texted me, I texted her back. After a full week of this she wanted to see me and we went out Firday and Saturday night. You are ready, she is not. Give her space to miss you. You are doing ok. Edited February 4, 2008 by backspn
Author spincal Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 you're right...good advice. she's in FL this week on business. texted me a few times on sun to see what i was doing for the super bowl. i texted her yesterday just to let her know hope she's doing well. thanks!
backspn Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 The key is to text her back the same day and sound upbeat. I.E...."Im doing great". Let her think you're doing just fine w/o her even though you aren't. Also dont ever text her unless she texts you first. Call her once or twice a week to keep in touch. If you follow this you should be good. Thats what Im doing and it seems to be working.
Author spincal Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 ok...sounds good. i did reply to her sun night though. i'll see about giving her a ring later this week
Saxis Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 ok...sounds good. i did reply to her sun night though. i'll see about giving her a ring later this week At first I was thinking "Giving her a ring is NOT taking it slow!!" Then it hit me... telephone...
Phateless Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 lol at rings. yeah just play it cool. do something on V-day but don't overdo it.
tanbark813 Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 My money says she's not being entirely truthful about not seeing anyone else. Three months seems like quite a long time for an adult not to know if they want to be exclusive.
Saxis Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 My money says she's not being entirely truthful about not seeing anyone else. Three months seems like quite a long time for an adult not to know if they want to be exclusive. Yeah... probably being truthful about not seeing someone else at the moment, but definitely keeping her options open.
BlueHaiku Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 All the advice about not reaching out to call/text/talk to her unless she reaches out to you first is excellent. Give her the space to miss you. BUT, it sounds like you want an exclusive relationship and she does not. You therefore have a decision to make: Knowing that she doesn't want to be exclusive, are you willing to make that compromise for her? Do you get enough out of the relationship with her that it's ok if she might see other guys? Or is that a deal breaker for you? If it's a deal breaker, you need to break up with her. Good luck! BlueHaiku
oppath Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 In relationships, you always have to be willing to walk away if you aren't getting what you want. Relationships are, in a way, a business transaction where you negotiate your needs and wants. If you want to be exclusive, if you want a girl to be your girlfriend, I wouldn't wait more than a couple of weeks to tell her that. If she is not on the same page, all it will do is breed insecurity in me. You asked for what you wanted. I wouldn't persist much longer. When I talk to my female friends, we agree that one month is too soon to be exclusive. Two months is a good number. However, when it is with someone who is available and really good for us, after one month we know that and we stop looking elsewhere. That is not the formula for all people, but if the chemistry is there and both people are available, things happen and both people are on the same page with the chemistry. I've been there and done that, dating a girl for months who didn't want exclusivity, with no sex. Eventually, I questioned my adequacy, my competency as a dater and my seduction skills, and my attraction as a man. It was a self esteem killer. What I learned from that experience is that once I ask a woman to be exclusive, if she says no, she's got a short window, like 2 weeks, to change her mind, or I'll walk away. The key for me is not to ask too soon, but if we really are on the same page with each other, that's not likely to happen, as I'll base it on how often we talk, the intensity, etc. If I were you, I'd tell her "I want you to be my girlfriend, but if you aren't ready for that, then we are at different places and want different things. Call me if you change your mind."
ABrokenWing Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 yeah, she doesn't want to date me exclusively. she isn't ready to commit to any relationship. she then stated that she wasn't dating anyone else or planning to. i know it might sound superficial, but i haven't dated a woman for three months without having sex. i either knew within the first few dates or it was cleat that there was not going to be any sex. that is what's throwing me off...i also have a feeling that there may be health issues, but can't be certain. have you tried to make a move for sex? Did she tell you right up front that she wants to take it slow in the dept?
gfto Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 She told me that she really likes me, but she wants to take it slow. This line is a cousin to the "let's just be friends" line. It means she isn't very interested in you. She indicated that the last time she felt this passionate for somebody she got hurt. This means she has not yet gotten over him dumping her and would probably take him back in a second. It boosts her ego to know you're crazy about her. That's why she asked you about it. Doesn't mean she's all that interested in you. She is away this week on business and with valentines day coming up, I don’t want to make things awkward. I’m just not too sure how to proceed. Date lots of other women. Ignore this one unless she calls you (not texts you) and asks you for a date.
AriaIncognito Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 My money says she's not being entirely truthful about not seeing anyone else. Three months seems like quite a long time for an adult not to know if they want to be exclusive. I have an ex that at 18 months still didn't know. *slaps self* Yeah, dumb move on my part sticking around past a few months. Huge red flag. OP - your woman is sending mixed signals. She says she's not ready to commit to just you, yet she says she's not going to date anyone else and doesn't want to. This, to me, is a red flag. I'd proceed with caution. I might not have the popular opinion here but, something is just weird about people that say 2 conflicting things. My ex did it ALL THE TIME and well, he's an ex now, so you know how that went....
NuTuDating Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Huge red flag. I've dated girls that have/did jump into bed with others too quickly (according to them) and they want to "take it slow" with me. BS. Dump them immediately.
backspn Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 This is a tough subject when you really like someone. Lately I have been working alot and not waiting for her. My girl is always busy with work and we date at least once a week. We hit our 3 month mark today and I will probably give it another 3 months before I decide what I want to do. Im comfortable where Im at with her and when we do go out we are very affectionate. Its sometimes very confusing to me. We have so much fun when we're together yet we're still just dating. We have had sex. How many of you have dated someone for 3-5 months before becoming exclusive? Little history for those who are new: We were exclusive after a month then went back to dating at 2 months. My relationship therapist says she is very interested in me(we talk 4-5 times a week and date 1-2 days a week) but its a huge change for someone to be so close to someone after years of being so independent w/o someone significant in their life.
AussieJack Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 ... My relationship therapist says she is very interested in me(we talk 4-5 times a week and date 1-2 days a week) but its a huge change for someone to be so close to someone after years of being so independent w/o someone significant in their life. Your "relationship therapist is an idiot- I bet she is a woman who thinks that you need more "patience" to win the "prize"'...BS .. I had a woman pull this "slow down " crap on me once after a HOT week in the first month... This is how it went when she called me... She, " Hi AJ, I think that we are going too fast ,." Me, " OH, really ? How fast do you want to go ?" She, " We are going at 200 miles an hour .We need to slow down to 50.." ME, " I have a better idea, Why not slow right down to a dead stop so that I can get off.." She, (sputters words ) " Oh, that is not what i want...gee..ohh..umm". Me, " It was nice - see ya " I hang up. The next day she bangs on my door with some food and magazines and stayed for three days after we both called in sick. I was bad in those days ! Ha! Dude !! The "I want to take it slow" BS is a CONTROL tactic -she has you hooked and where she wants you but she is "still shopping" for a BBD if one comes along. Your compliance with this crap will only DECREASE her attaction and interest level. Call her on this - you will regain your LOST power by walking away without getting hissy. Just do it - but you probably won't because you still think that being "understanding" is the way to a woman's heart. Very Sad.
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