g1976b Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Hi all, It's been 2 weeks since my breakup...the last week has been solid NC. We'd been dating for a year and half and living together for a year. She was to come down this afternoon to get more of her things, but called and left a message saying she ran out of time but would be down on Wednesday night. She's having dinner with my aunt and uncle (weird, and kind of uncomfortable) and then she'll be over. I have an obligation so I'll likely get back home after she does. Anyway, at the end of my message she said that she's really busy, but if I wanted to talk Wednesday night for a while we could. She has given me ZERO indication of any interest in reconciliation for the past week, and in fact seems to have become more resolute in the breakup (we're just not the right people for one another). I wrote her a 12 page letter last week that pretty much spelled out everything that I need to say, so I'm wondering do I reiterate that, or do I just see what she has to say about everything? I really want another chance and know that much of this falls on me. I'm just wanting us to start over...begin dating...and see where that leads us. Any advice for getting through Wednesday without further damaging things and perhaps even improving our chances? I've had a terrible time with things over the past 2 weeks (no eating, no sleep, anxious, emotional) but I know I need to be strong when she's here. I need to be OK with myself and where things are, and show her how I understand why she left and how I'm committed to making changes. I so appreciate your help and advice!
Author g1976b Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 sorry...gotta bump. looking for some guidance.
sandflea Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 sorry...gotta bump. looking for some guidance. If I were you I'd vacate the premises to let her grab her stuff on her own, and go into NC until further notice. I know it's hard, but trust me - you're probably not strong enough to see her and not get a bit emotional, etc, - and you'll thank yourself down the road for the lack of drama. IF she decides to take another shot at you guys she'll let you know. For now, back off and start to rebuild your happiness. You'll be OK. Just take it a day at a time. SF
Frankie24 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 As the previous post above states just let her get her stuff, keep your head held high Sometimes by setting them free you can find whether it was going to work or not
Author g1976b Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Did I mess up? She emailed this afternoon and talked about coming down on Wednesday to get some of her stuff. She talked about what she was going to take and that she found someone who was going to "rent" her furniture for a while. I didn't want to respond to the email because we haven't really even talked about it, and at one point she was going to leave her big pieces of furniture here for the time being. Soooooo, I called her at work. Maybe not the best plan. We had a nice start to the conversation...friendly, catching up, etc. Then she wanted to talk about the email. I said I'd rather wait until Wednesday. She got upset saying she didn't have much time to talk on Wednesday and didn't see what it wasn't OK to talk about it now. I brought up the fact that we really haven't had much of a conversation at all in the past 2 weeks so I wanted to at least discuss some things. She again reiterated that she didn't want to give me any false hope and that for now we're completely over. I apologized for upsetting her, said goodbye and hung up. She texted back almost right away saying "I didn't mean to be b*tchy, I just can't be unprofessional at work." More than anything I just want to have a conversation to figure out how we went from a "break" when she left 2 weeks ago, to now mostly not speaking and "broken up". Is it too much to expect an explanation?
Phateless Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 The harsh reality is that she doesn't want to be with you and you can't change her mind. Do yourself a favor and move on.
9Lives Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Did I mess up? She emailed this afternoon and talked about coming down on Wednesday to get some of her stuff. She talked about what she was going to take and that she found someone who was going to "rent" her furniture for a while. I didn't want to respond to the email because we haven't really even talked about it, and at one point she was going to leave her big pieces of furniture here for the time being. Soooooo, I called her at work. Maybe not the best plan. We had a nice start to the conversation...friendly, catching up, etc. Then she wanted to talk about the email. I said I'd rather wait until Wednesday. She got upset saying she didn't have much time to talk on Wednesday and didn't see what it wasn't OK to talk about it now. I brought up the fact that we really haven't had much of a conversation at all in the past 2 weeks so I wanted to at least discuss some things. She again reiterated that she didn't want to give me any false hope and that for now we're completely over. I apologized for upsetting her, said goodbye and hung up. She texted back almost right away saying "I didn't mean to be b*tchy, I just can't be unprofessional at work." More than anything I just want to have a conversation to figure out how we went from a "break" when she left 2 weeks ago, to now mostly not speaking and "broken up". Is it too much to expect an explanation? i think it is okay to want a explanation and I think she should give it to you. Maybe she is okay but you are not and maybe a conversation and some clarificartion you may need to move on with your life. I think she is being insensitive about your feelings. My boyfriend did not want to meet and talk at first but I was not going to let him get away with not talking to me fae to face cause i was hurting and i need to discuss somethings that were important to me. It was a good thing for both of us and we was both happy we done it. so dont feel bad if you need to talk and ask questions, it will help move on. you dont have to beg her back, you can keep your kool and be honest. But once you get it out be ready to move on. try not to fight
vivrantflo Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I wouldnt even bother... what's the point of an explanation?? Bottom line is.. she's doesnt want to be with you anymore, and she wants out of that appartment. I'd just leave it at that. Go NC and leave her alone.. no more 12 page letters, it does absolutely no good. She knows you love her, but she's not interested.. Bro, I know it hurts, but Phateless put it the best way. YOu can't change her mind, and right now she doesnt want you.. and there's a high chance that this is for good. You have to go NC and continue to live your life.. she has zero interest in you, so any contact you have with her will end up in hurt.. cause really.. she's not gonna say ANYTHING you really want to hear. Create your OWN closure by realizing it's over, and you're going to move on.. and one day be with someone who wants to be with you.
tonyeltiger Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 That sucks that she responded so negatively to you. I swear, us three guys must have picked our women out of the same box. I would agree with the guy above me, no more 12-page letters (thats a lot of explaining!) It has been my recent experience that letters are not very good. Tone of voice and phrasing has a great deal with actual meaning, and although it may have been a very nice supportive letter, it could easily be construed as you questioning her decision to end your relationship. I know it is frustrating and painful (I am in the same boat!) The best you can do is try to have your last words as nice as possible and go strict NC. As you have already been going NC I would say just continue. No more responding to her e-mails, texts, calls. Let her get her stuff out of the apartment, and (if I remember correctly this is the case) she doesn't get completely moved out soon, move her stuff somewhere else. You shouldn't give her a great excuse to barge into your place and snoop around while "grabbing a few more things". You are (I assume) not welcome in her place, so neither should she be let into your place. You seem like a very nice guy (I say this because we seem to be in similar situations), and you deserve to be with someone who will love you back. Both of our Exes are stringing us up with hope. "maybe in 6-12 months". Bah. We deserve women that won't just dump us the minute they think the grass might be greener on the other side. It's ridiculously difficult to remain NC when you love someone so badly. But she made this decision to leave you, so any contact indirect/direct , positive or negative, is violating her decision, and will only push her further away. And although you love her still even though she is treating you so seemingly unfairly (I know it's tough, I still love my Ex), the only way she will come back to you and not regret it is if she decides of her own free-will to return. In the meantime, I would examine yourself (not the negatives!), and decide if SHE deserves YOU. I know for one that even if my Ex came back to me tonight, she would have a solid month of proving herself before I could forgive her for breaking my heart. I suppose this reply was really for you, but also good advice for myself as well! I wish you well, and hope that this pain will pass soon.
sedgwick Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I wrote her a 12 page letter last week that pretty much spelled out everything that I need to say, so I'm wondering do I reiterate that? There will be a day when you will look at this and laugh.
atc2410 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 If she comes over and you seek an explanation or understanding she will get irritable. You will achieve nothing other than to make a difficult situation more difficult. I know this because I've been there. It sucks more to be dumped but dumpees still have their own demons to face and their capacity to do that comes down to their maturity. Among her feelings of wanting space and to find herself are feelings of guilt and doubt. Quiz her so early on how you went from a break to break up and she will not take it kindly or sensitively. She will more than likely lash out. I understand where your head is now but you need to project further than this upcoming meeting. Consider what you want ultimately. What you want is to get back with her. Do you think the conversation you propose is productive in obtaining what you want? No it is not. Her mind is made up for now so leave her to go through this process without you keeping the unpleasentness of her breaking up with you in the present.
Author g1976b Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 There will be a day when you will look at this and laugh. Gosh I hope so. Even so, it was the right thing to do at the time. I had things to apologize for and "man up" to. That being done, I'm not going to beg and plead any longer. I do want to be with her, but I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.
Author g1976b Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Tony and V....man, can we pick 'em. The most difficult and insulting thing in all of this is that I truly believe deep down she does love me and wants to be with me (if a few things were different...which I'm working on). The problem is that she's hellbent on "punishing" me and going off and doing her own thing for at least "6 months to a year". I don't get it. We're working on week 6 of all of this now and it's been a hell of a rollercoaster. Emotional discussions, texts, 2 weeks of NC, making out, more fighting. Lots of drama. Bottom line is that it's clear there's nothing I can do here. Like some of you said, she knows I love her and while I know she loves me, she just doesn't want to be in this relationship right now. Saturday she'll finally be getting all of her furniture and things out of my house. It will be another painful day, but after that point, I think strict NC will become much easier. I feel like a whining brat. I know what I have to do. Like you said V, I need to create my own closure, choose my own path and live my own life. The problem is, all I think about is wanting to continue the life we had planned. The engagement was very close and we had plans for months. Now there's nothing. Urghh. Time to cowboy up.
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