blue16 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I've been on a few dates with this girl. So far everything has gone well. We talk all the time and there's actually a connection there. Only problem is, as you can guess from the title, is that she isn't even offering to pitch in for these dates. First time was coffee and we got there at different times so she paid for her drink and I paid for mine. However, second time was a movie date and I paid for both tickets. Third date was dinner and a couple drinks, when the bill came she didn't even offer a hand as if it was presumed I would pay. She didn't even say thank you until a few hours later she texted me like "oh I forgot to say thx for dinner...etc." I'm a full-time student working part-time (as is she) so quite frankly I can't afford to be fitting the bill for both of us on everything. If I had been the one asking her on the dates then that might be a possible reason, but this is more like one of us says "hey we should do something on Saturday..." then we come up with a plan. What bothers me more than actually losing financially is that she hasn't even made the suggestion that she chip in. I'm used to girls offering to pay their share, refusing to let me pay for them....and some girls have even paid for me! (despite my objections). What's a guy to do?
gemmab2020 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 That is a bit rude... I am a bit traditional though and I do like a guy to pay for a first date but I will always offer and keep my fingers crossed that he doesn;t accept my money!!! Other than that I always like to pay my way. You could make a bit of a joke with her and state how you think she should take you on a date for a change?
blind_otter Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm old fashioned. I never offer to pay for a date until I'm in an established, committed relationship with someone. Maybe she just feels that the guy is supposed to pay? If you have a problem with it, talk to her about it and agree how you both should split the bill. Whenever I offer to pay for a date, it's usually because I don't want to date the guy any more....
Nemo Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 ....and some girls have even paid for me! (despite my objections). Dude, have some self-respect, and grow some 'nads. This is just sooo wrong.
oppath Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm with you as a broke graduate student. If I buy one dinner, the next time we go out, I expect her to offer, at least paying for drinks and the tip. I dated a girl last summer who, through 3 dates, didn't pay for a thing. That wasn't the issue so much, it was on our 3rd date, we went to a baseball game, and I paid for the parking and the tickets and when we were at the bar early before game time, she didn't make a move when we got our drinks. Then later, she came back from the bathroom with popcorn and didn't have anything for me, like another beer. It's never been the dollar value, it's just that I'm making $1500 /month now but will be making $8000 /month in one year. If you like me, invest in me too. I won't always be poor. Plenty of women will pay their share and will understand if you are a student. I'd give it another date and see what happens, as really, it's only been two dates you paid for. I've been in that situation and often the woman says "I got this one since you got it last time." If she doesn't do that, well, I'd say you should find a woman who is more conscious of your financial situation as a student. Splitting the bill on a date, however, is sometimes tacky. What you should look for is if you bought the dinner, then she buys the movie tickets afterwards, or if you bought dinner one time, she buys dinner the next. Don't pay attention to the total $ value, but pay attention to her efforts. But if I've paid for 3 full dates, and I'm not getting a "thank you so much, I had a great time" text or email later that night, chances are, I'll wait for the girl to ask me on the next date. Usually, she'll just text "hey." That's not good enough for me. I want to be treated too. But plenty of women will.
Nemo Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 but will be making $8000 /month in one year. The guy should always pay, regardless of his salary. It will probably lead to extra blowjobs, but one should never assume that will be the case. I'm so sick of rich guys not putting their hand in their pocket.
Instinctive Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I can definitely understand you situation. As another guy, it really gets on my nerves when a girl doesn't OFFER to (help) pay for things. Unless its something big, I always say no, but it is really important to me that a girl not just expect me to pay. In this, I would agree with the person who said you should make an off-hand joke, or other such comment as to alert her to you financial situation and desire that she help out a bit.
Politico Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm old fashioned. I never offer to pay for a date until I'm in an established, committed relationship with someone. Maybe she just feels that the guy is supposed to pay? If you have a problem with it, talk to her about it and agree how you both should split the bill. Whenever I offer to pay for a date, it's usually because I don't want to date the guy any more.... Is chivalry really that dead in this day-and-age? He or she who asks the other out should be prepared to pay. However, real men (aka: retrosexuals) will NEVER permit the woman to pay unless it becomes an issue. They'll appreciate the offer but usually gratiously decline it and open their wallets. I've only been asked out by a woman twice in my life, once for lunch (I paid), once for breakfast (she insisted on paying and I let her but I also insisted on leaving the tip) -- same woman, and to make up for not paying for all the breakfast I married her! If you can't afford to foot the bill then either don't date or confine your dates to coffee, Taco Bell or Der Weinerschnitzel.
SeraBella Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I'm old-fashioned in thinking men should pay. Once a relationship is more committed and we're seeing each other often, then I'll offer to pay once in a while. I sometimes offer, and sometimes don't, but usually it's more of a test. If he accepted the offer, especially on a first date, then he loses a few points. It's not like I won't see him again because of that, but it does put a little bad taste in my mouth early on. Overall, I was raised that a man should pay, and every LTR I was in, that was how the man treated me. If I really want to do something more expensive...concert, sporting event, etc. I will buy the tickets. I wouldn't expect him to pay for that unless it's a gift. But one day a few girl friends of mine and I were talking about this and "justifying" it with other reasons....1) Women spend more money on clothing and shoes, hair and makeup than men do (usually) and that stuff gets expensive...so while the man is paying for the date, the woman probably spent more on the new outfit she's wearing to impress you. Not to mention, I'm sure she put more time and effort into it as well. You can say you like a more "natural" or more "simple" girl...but you know those natural and simple girls still put a good bit of effort into looking that way (seriously)! 2) Sex is never free 3) Despite all of the feminist movements, men still do make more than women for the same job in many many many fields/careers.
Nemo Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 , real men (aka: retrosexuals) will NEVER permit the woman to pay unless it becomes an issue. They'll appreciate the offer but usually gratiously decline it and open their wallets. Agreed. If you can't afford to foot the bill then either don't date or confine your dates to coffee, Taco Bell or Der Weinerschnitzel. Exactly. It makes me laugh when guys complain about paying for a night out. They should wake up, and smell the coffee. I sometimes offer, and sometimes don't, but usually it's more of a test. If he accepted the offer, especially on a first date, then he loses a few points. You're much nicer than I am - that's a clear sign that the person is cheap. I'd be thinking, "Next!"
TheSilentType Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I'm old-fashioned in thinking men should pay. Once a relationship is more committed and we're seeing each other often, then I'll offer to pay once in a while. I sometimes offer, and sometimes don't, but usually it's more of a test. If he accepted the offer, especially on a first date, then he loses a few points. It's not like I won't see him again because of that, but it does put a little bad taste in my mouth early on. Exactly how does he "lose a few points." I'm just curious. What if you had a great dinner, you really liked him....but at the end he accepts your offer to pay. How does that all of a sudden change who he was just 10 minutes ago??!!
SeraBella Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Exactly how does he "lose a few points." I'm just curious. What if you had a great dinner, you really liked him....but at the end he accepts your offer to pay. How does that all of a sudden change who he was just 10 minutes ago??!! I said it doesnt mean I won't see him again. If the date was great, that obviously does outweigh the fact that I have to pay a little. It's not a COMPLETE deal breaker, but it does have an effect on how I feel about him. Sorry. I can't explain everything about myself. It's just how it is, and I'm simply being honest. I'm certain there are other women who feel the same way, and if I wasn't, I wouldn't have posted here. Maybe it has to do with thinking he is "cheap" as Nemo said. I'll admit I don't like a man who is cheap. I also judge if I see how much he tips. I like to date good tippers. I'm a good tipper; I want that in a partner. I don't like people who make a big deal about money. And I HATE men who talk about financial matters on dates. I cannot stand when a guy asks what I do then says "oh, so you make good money doing that?" And I don't want to know how much he makes, either, but I'd like it to seem that he's financially stable. I like some chivalry, and some old-fashioned traits in a man...paying for dates, opening doors, etc. And the man who treats me right, definitely, is treated well in return.
4givrnt4gtr Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I'm old-fashioned in thinking men should pay. Once a relationship is more committed and we're seeing each other often, then I'll offer to pay once in a while. To be entirely honest....most women think like this..... In fact, books on how to date teach women to think like this. Let him do the chasing (and that includes footing the bill). Once you're in a relationship, then go ahead and pay a few times. Really, the thing with letting men pay is to make sure they feel that we are more important than money....sure anyone will pay once, or twice...but more than that, only the really invested, who are truly ready to do whatever it takes to win us over will do it without complaining. Think about it. If you meet a chick who was ridiculously hot, smart, funny. Bassically everything you want. Would you even think about whether she would pay her way or will you be too busy thanking ur lucky stars she accepted to see you again? Thats what we're getting at when we let you pay...more than once or twice. Now, if you make it clear that u dont really have money to spend like that, im sure she'll help you out, or even figure out cheap/free dates. I let my BF pay at the beginning. As we got more established i started taking him out on dates and paying some of the time. But thats just cuz i know i dont HAVE to, its more an "I want to" thing, than a "have to cuz he's expecting me to"
ismellsogood Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) Listen...you've only been on a few dates with this girl. The male should really be trying to impress the girl to win her over. You should be courting her right now. I don't care if it's 2008--that doesn't mean you can't be romantic. However, only let this last for the first couple of dates before you bring up the topic of her paying sometimes also. I agree with the other person who replied and suggested that you joke about her taking you out one time. It is rude of her to expect her to support you from day 1. Just don't get so worked up yet! I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a guy who made me pay for almost everything, and I am a young working female, a full-time student supporting herself through college with no help from her parents, meanwhile his parents supported him in every way. When we broke up and I moved out, his first question to me was in reference to me continuing to help pay rent even though I was moving out. He would refuse to drive to my house because it cost him gas money. He wouldn't take me to the movies and pay the $10 for a ticket. Popcorn? Forget it. Dessert? Forget it. He lost me, because I lost the vision of him being able to contribute to a working household, living together as adults. Dating costs money. If you like this girl, impress her. Don't let her walk on you, but don't whine about spending money on impressing a girl. You don't have to shower her in diamonds and you don't have to go to a nice restaurant every week, but if you're taking her seriously, act like a serious adult. Expect to pay most of the time if you want this to work! Edited February 4, 2008 by ismellsogood added things
Enema Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 If I ask you out, I'll pay. But, if you claim to be "old fashioned" and expect me to pay all the time, I'll do the same and treat you like a woman in the 60's. What's good for the goose....
Nemo Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 But, if you claim to be "old fashioned" and expect me to pay all the time, I'll do the same and treat you like a woman in the 60's. :lmao:
Lauriebell82 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I tend to think that the guy should pay during the "courting phase" (like first 3 or 4 dates). After it's established that there is a relationship then I think taking turns paying for things is fine. There are girls who won't let a guy pay and always offer..those are probably the ones you are more compatible with. She sounds like she is a more traditional girl. If you really like this girl maybe you could tell her that you are a student so you don't have a lot of spending money. Is she a student as well? Does she realize your financial situation isnt the greatest? I think if on the third date the guy told me he didn't have a ton of money upfront before the date even started, i would be more willing to pay for it if I had the money too. Honestly is always the best way to go. And maybe you two could do inexpensive things that don't cost a ton of money if you are on a budget.
Lights Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Listen...you've only been on a few dates with this girl. The male should really be trying to impress the girl to win her over. You should be courting her right now. I don't care if it's 2008--that doesn't mean you can't be romantic. And males shouldn't also be receiving attempts to impress them as well? And romance is to be defined solely as males covering costs? The sexism in here is disgusting.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 And males shouldn't also be receiving attempts to impress them as well? And romance is to be defined solely as males covering costs? The sexism in here is disgusting. That's not what we are saying! I (as well as most of the females here) expect the male to pay on teh first few days if he is the one asking her out. After you continue dating it's nice to take turns splitting costs. And there are other things that I can do on a date to impress him besides footing the bill...
oppath Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I do think the guy should pay the first few dates but I really appreciate if I've treated a girl to dinner, and we go to a bar afterwards, for her to pay for a round of drinks when I'm in the bathroom. To me, it shows she values my company and is invested in getting to know me better. I am a graduate student. I plan my dates according to my budget. But if I were to pay everything before being exclusive, it would be too much $$. For the first few dates I'll pay nearly everything and do the asking. But if we go to a baseball game and I've purchased the tickets and parking, when she leaves to go to the bathroom, she'd better come back with a beer for me. I want signs that a woman is invested in getting to know me better, and if she pays for something, that is a clear sign, as I've dated plenty of women who literally were of the attitude "if a guy asks me out to dinner, even if I don't really like him, I'll take the free dinner." Those types of women aren't likely to visit LS, but they exist. To the OP, I think you need to give it two more dates. But then rather than make a scene of it, chalk it up to you to not being compatible.
Nemo Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 If guys don't pay up, they're basically disrespecting the woman. Like, she isn't worth a few dollars. Quite frankly that's insulting. Have some balls, step up, and be a provider.
ismellsogood Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 And males shouldn't also be receiving attempts to impress them as well? And romance is to be defined solely as males covering costs? The sexism in here is disgusting. You didn't read my entire post. You latched onto my first few sentences and ignored the rest for your convenience. Way to take things out of context and ignore advice from a woman who's been through the exact reverse of this guy's situation! Alright then, Lights, if you wanna do 50/50, I expect that you will be paying for half of her birth control pills and calling her every night reminding her to take them, you will do 50% of the cooking and cleaning, you will plan at least half of the dates, you will let her lead 50% of the time if you go ballroom dancing, you will not judge her weight at all, and if she doesn't feel like giving you a BJ you are never allowed to be upset about it! I expect you will abolish every single male stereotype in your life...right? Let's be thorough here. You people are asking for realistic answers and we girls are giving them so first of all, read our entire replies, and secondly, accept them!
Art_Critic Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 If guys don't pay up, they're basically disrespecting the woman. Like, she isn't worth a few dollars. Quite frankly that's insulting. Have some balls, step up, and be a provider. I agree Nemo.. Be a guy..show some balls and pay for dinner.. WTF?.. it has always been this way.. I prefer it this way and it will always be this way.. Men hunt.. part of hunting is paying for the dates..
ismellsogood Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I do think the guy should pay the first few dates but I really appreciate if I've treated a girl to dinner, and we go to a bar afterwards, for her to pay for a round of drinks when I'm in the bathroom. To me, it shows she values my company and is invested in getting to know me better. To the OP, I think you need to give it two more dates. But then rather than make a scene of it, chalk it up to you to not being compatible. I agree with everything you said.
norajane Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 And males shouldn't also be receiving attempts to impress them as well? And romance is to be defined solely as males covering costs? The sexism in here is disgusting. The lady has probably invested her time and money in putting on make-up so she looks pretty for you, selecting an outfit and shoes so she'll look sexy for you, doing her hair so she'll look sexy for you, and wearing perfume so she'll smell sexy for you. Are those not attempts to impress? Are her efforts not romance?
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