gemmab2020 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I have been chatting to this guy for a while - we met through work. He has always been in pursuit of me a little but i have always played it cool. he had sent me a present for xmas too! We have got a little closer over the past few weeks, i gave him my personal number and we have spent hours talking and yesterday he decided to come down to see me for the weekend. He arrived at my door with a bunch of pink roses and a teddy bear - how sweet! We had a great day together... he is truely mister perfect. later last night we were sat in my flat, enjoying each others company and he was discussing what time he would need to set off today to miss the traffic and the bad weather. I casually said " so long as you are going home for that reason and not because you don't want to be here and you are afraid to say" - wrong thing to say. He sat being very quiet for a while and then he decided to leave. He was upset that I had said that without any reason to - he has been nothing but perfect to me all day and had driven for almost 4 hours to see me. He finally decided to pack his bags and leave at 1am for a four hour drive back home not knowing if he was ever going to come back. What do I do to win him back? Is this a normal reaction?
Ruby Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 He has acted like a child. Don't call him, let him call you and then ask him why he over-reacted like that!
Walk Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 That seemed like a severe reaction to the question. I know your question showed you have issues of insecurity (who doesn't?), and you may have sounded slightly neurotic, but geesh... he really flipped out! Shrug it off. He probably has some kind of bad past experience that you accidently hit a nerve with asking the question. He over reacted. I'd bet he calls you about a week to two weeks from now acting like everything is hunky-dory. And if he doesn't, then you know he's got serious issues, and you lucked out that he high-tailed it out of there before you started developing really strong feelings for him. Maybe you're first instinct to keep distance was the correct one after all.
compassion42 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Yes, that was a pretty drastic response to your small sign of insecurity. I don't really think it was a major thing you said but it sounds like you struck a chord with him somehow. Give him a call-make sure he got home ok and let him know how much you enjoyed spending time with him. Let that issue go for now because I have a feeling he must realize he over reacted.
Author gemmab2020 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 I tried to call him shortly after he left but he didn't answer. I decided to send him a quick message to say sorry and i said he hadn't done anything to make me think that and that it was my own insecurities that made me ask the question. I said if I could take it back I would but I cant. He sent me a message this morning letting me know he got home ok and I replied at lunch this afternoon, assuming he would still be asleep after getting home so late. He said his neice and nephew had been noisey and had woken him a few hours before i had text and he would txt me later. I tried calling him an hour and a half ago and got no answer so i left a simple message on his machine "hi, thought i would give you a quick call to see how your day had been.Speak to you later" - he still hasn't contacted me.... I felt totally overwhelmed at the reaction I got from him. He genuinely seemed to have taken offence at it. Could it have been a get out of jail card for him? nd excuse for him to make his exit?
mistie03 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Gemma, is there anything that happened during the visit that lead you to make that statement? Just wondering why you would mention that about his reason for leaving? It does seem odd that he would react that way. But with his silence I guess there is no way of knowing why he felt offended.
Author gemmab2020 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 There was absolutely nothing that happened that made me think he wasn't interested. We had already been talking about next weekend!!!! He even made a statement about being her permanently in the future if there was going to be something here for him - implying me! Honestly, he is so kind, sweet and everything I could have wanted. And I just feel like I have blew it. I have had some bad experiences with men in the past doing disppearing acts and I was ust seeking reassurance that he wasn't going to. He feels so offended simply because of all the nice things he had done for that day and the distance he travelled to see me and then I made that comment to him about the time he was thinking of leaving at the next day. He said out of everything I could have said, that was the worst. We had also been intimate with each other (I felt comfy enough to do this and everything felt right) so he was annoyed that after that I still said it. I don't think I would have had the same reaction to someone saying that to me so I am finding it really hard to understand.
nicki Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Come on, he could have kidded back in response to what you said, as in, "Oh yeah, are you crazy? I don't EVER want to leave!" and then kissed you playfully. That's how a guy who was more concerned about YOU than himself might react. I predict he felt insulted because HE thought he had done everything right and was upset that you could have thought differently. It would have been nice, instead, if he thought you made your comment because you were feeling vulnerable and simply wanted reassurance....which is how most sensitive guys would have taken it. Now, there are the overly sensitive insecure guys who would take that to mean that they are not good enough. But these guys always feel that way anyway and any valid relationship issue you would ever bring up would make them immediately defensive.....and that's no fun -- for you! You want someone who will be responsive and sensitive to you and what you are feeling. And if they don't know what that exactly is, they will ask you. Anyway, if he had said that very same comment to him, wouldn't you have reassured him that you are very into him....kinda like you are doing now that you notice he is upset. You being upset and vulnerable is just as important. I'd explain the comment ONCE in the context that you were simply asking for more reassurance that this is what HE wants because you have been feeling vulnerable. In turn, he should reassure you and then you two move on. If he continues to act like a baby about it, be prepared for him to act that way anytime you bring up an issue or are emotionally vulnerable. I'd let him off the hook for this once, as long as he moves on, too. You've done enough calling to smooth things over. Let him make the next move...and then talk about what happened so that you two can move on (or not).
Author gemmab2020 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 good news... he has called although we had just got saying our hellos when he asked could he call me back - turns out someone ordered pizza and he hadn't eaten yet this evening. I am now sitting waiting on him calling but he has been sitting over that pizza now for 45mins.... surely it will be freezing cold now!!! I guess he's just making me sweat a bit first
Walk Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I still don't understand his reasoning for being upset with you about the comment. Can you write a little more about what he said to you for why he got so upset? And does he understand why you made that comment? Do you understand well enough to explain it to him? It sounded to me as if he got laid for his efforts, and then he started talking about leaving. With all the men out there who will do anything for a booty call, he really should've been more sensitive to the situation. Especially after having sex with you. That changes things. I think he was a serious jerk, and he's still being a jerk. And I don't think he's worth chasing after. Its just my opinion, but what kind of man walks out on someone he respects because she had a moment of insecurity when he starts planning his escape after sex.
ps123 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I'd agree with the others who said he over reacted. In fact, I don't really get his reaction at all. Yeah, it wasn't the best thing to say on your part, but big deal. If a woman said that to me, I'd just think she was looking for a little reassurance and I'd laugh but then answer the question. At most, I might ask why you said it, but I certainly wouldn't get mad or leave. You must have stuck some nerve. Maybe hes been in relationships where the woman didnt trust him? Maybe hes done something similar to what you were teasing him about in the past? I dunno. I've done some crappy things in the past and I've had women make jokes about the exact thing I did so it really hit me, even though they were completely kidding. Like the others said, let him contact you. If anything, he should be the one to apologize and say he overreacted.
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