stupidstupidstupid

[melusine71]

Hi All,

 

I am coming here with my sad story because everyone close to me is either sick of hearing it or uninformed. Right now I'm on 3 ml of xanax. (For those of you who are unfamiliar, that's quite a bit) and my chest is still all tight and I feel breathless.

 

Long story short, husband had affair 6 years ago, we "rebuilt" had another little one and sure enough, 18 months goes by and he is no longer in love with me, has fallen deeply in love with someone else. This was last spring. We went to extensive marriage counseling sessions but it just wasn't enough.

 

I still love him, though that is thankfully dying a little more each day. My grieving period has been extended because we keep getting in and out of bed. When I moved out he started coming back around, playing me all these sad songs and saying how much he missed me. The whole time still trying to get her back (OW split when he left me and the kids). I have no strength for that sort of shyt. I weakly, half heartedly fended him off. He came back but I just started giving him tons of grief all the time. he cried and said he didn't know what I wanted from him. Now he's seeing the FIRST slut he cheated on me with, and she's now divorced and telling him that she loves him and wondering why he doesn't say it back.

 

Why am I so upset? The guy is a massive loser!! He's treating her like crap too! I think he has to have someone else to really get away from me. The thing is, we have this horrible custody thing right now. He says he doesn't have an apartment where the kids would be safe to visit. So he comes here to see them. And he has used this as an excuse to sleep with me and pretend like we are still a big happy family which IN SPITE OF MYSELF I still long for.

 

please please please help me. I don't want to be responsible for keeping my kids away from their Dad but since he's been more involved with that woman, he's been mean as a snake to the children anyway. I need to grow a spine!! I am so miserable!!

[whichwayisup]

Why not invite his parents over when you know he's coming by for a visit? This way the WHOLE extended family gets to visit at once - hense taking the pressure off of you and him playing games with you.

 

Somehow, you need to stand up to him and tell him NO! Sleeping with him and allowing him to pretend you all are one big happy family is not good for the kids. It sends them mixed messages.

 

Have you seen a counsellor to help you cope with all this stuff? If not, please consider it because your nerves are skyrocketing and he is adding more stress than necessary in your life!

[Mr. Lucky]

And he has used this as an excuse to sleep with me

Just out of curiousity, what does he use ? A gun? A knife? A date rape drug?

 

Obviuosly, the point is, short of physical threat, no one should be able to sleep with you that you don't want to sleep with. And I would think, were you making a list of potential sexual partners, that he would be near the bottom ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melusine71]

My Dear Mr. Lucky,

 

Please believe me when I say that I fully understand that sleeping with my scumbag ex husband is not a good idea. I have this elaborate fantasy where everything works out and he sees the error of his ways and morphs into a loving Dad and a repentent husband. It's no excuse, I know. If I were good at self care, i doubt I'd find myself with this schmuck after what he has done to me anyway. Baby steps. Point taken. Thanks.

 

WWIU,

 

Unfortunately his family lives about 3K miles away but that would be a fantastic solution. I pulled my oldest girl aside after her Dad left recently and explained to her that he would NEVER live with us again no matter how it seemed. She was very disappointed but I don't want her to have any false hopes.

 

When she sees us laughing and we go to the park and it seems like old times, believe me, it does a MAJOR number on my head too. She cried and so did I but I told her that her Dad loved her so much that sometimes he still wished for things to be like they were, too. Thank god she's seeing a therapist. I do my best but you know, he's such a ****. the man literally has his cake and is eating it too but more and more, he cannot stand me. he says I make him feel guilty all the time.

 

Eek, honey, I do see a shrinkydink. I have been for five years. Since he cheated on me the first time. Still a basket case tho! Some are sicker than others.

[Missy27]

Very rarely to I advocate divorce ~ I'm all for rebuilding ~ IF ~ it's a two way thing.

 

By the sounds of it though honey ~ this guy is a serial ~ dumba$$ ~ scuma$$ cheater ~ and although they CAN be rehabillitated ~ it's unlikely that these type will ever grow a brain cell big enough to even be bothered to TRY.

 

Trust me ~ I've been aquainted with HIS sort before ~ makes me angry even thinking about it.

 

Move on ~ DONT ~ DONT ~ DONT ~ DONT sleep with him again ~ if not for your own sanity ~ but for your children too ~ his capacity as a husband wore out a LONG time ago ~ his capacity to be a father still remains to be determined.

 

Take this as a life lesson ~ and actually learn by it ~ your kids are the number 1 priority in this ~ they didn't ask for any of it.

 

Respect YOURSELF and respect your CHILDREN ~ Do the right thing and show this bastard the door ~ for good.

[Mr. Lucky]

I pulled my oldest girl aside after her Dad left recently and explained to her that he would NEVER live with us again no matter how it seemed. She was very disappointed but I don't want her to have any false hopes.

How would she have anything but false hopes when she sees Dad coming out of your bedroom? If you need any more motivation, just think of the mixed message you're sending her with what you're doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Very rarely to I advocate divorce ~ I'm all for rebuilding ~ IF ~ it's a two way thing.

 

Yes, me too. But, in this case, your husband is going back and forth, tasting the other side, then coming back to you..Then heading back out, hopping the fence, playing in the grass, then coming home to again and again. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. For your sake and for your kids sake. Yes, your husband is an assfool for doing this to you and the kids, but you keep on enabling him to do this! It will stop when you stop it.

 

Please, seek the counselling to help you cope, to help you understand and most of all, to get strong enough to do what you need to do, and that's divorce.

[melusine71]

Thank you so much for your advice. It means so much to me. And I am so convinced now that it is the right thing to do but I must handle this delicately. He's a real ahole and very vindictive and unpredictable. We have a very uneasy truce going right now.

 

I thought about it quite a bit today and I think, no, I KNOW that I would have a better chance of meeting a good guy if I went and picked up the dude working at the gas station on the corner. I am so glad I know now, what he's been doing, how much he has been lying to me.

 

I only found out yesterday and that's because I read through his text messages whilst he was sleeping in my bed. Ok, before you start, I knew he was a lying cheating ass before today but I had no idea that even though we are separated and he's been saying he wants to work things out, that he was lying.

 

I AM THROUGH. Girl #1 had to QUIT her job because even though she told him to go fck himself after she found out what a disgusting liar he is, he was still contacting her and begging her not to "turn her back on the love they shared..." this is after ONE WEEK of spending time with her-- one week and he threw me and his kids under the bus. Some of the text messages were from pitiful stupid girl #2 like, "You don't have to say it back to me..." I'm guessing this was I love you... "Do you want me to bring you a sandwich?"

 

Ok, well, there's no time like the present and today is the day. I've blocked his calls, texts, emails. I told the kids if they want to talk to him, cool to let me know and I will help them call but that Daddy wouldn't be calling or coming by anymore. He's on my lease though. Wonder what my legal rights are there?

 

It's one thing to sample the field while you are separated. That could even be beneficial to a couple who were in doubt and mature and OPEN about such matters. Marriage is tough. I read all the books and we went to MC for years. Found out too late that he was lying and lying and lying and that it was totally one sided.

 

I know you must all think I'm just a pathetic 'tard but it is SO hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have utterly FAILED at the one thing in my life that was the most frightening difficult thing I have ever done. And that my little ones won't have their Dad around, my son won't have the role model I so hoped he would and I won't have the help I so desperately need. When he was trying, even though he had ****ed me over before, I had so much respect for him when we were "rebuilding". He looked everyone I am close to squarely in the eye and vowed to make it all right, apologized to my father for hurting me. Ugh.

 

Call me spoiled but I think it SUCKS BALLS to have to get three people dressed, groomed and fed just to go to the grocery store. And it never stops and then he is always bitching about how much money he gives me and hinting around how f**king lazy I am. "Oh look, a mountain of laundry, you'll never change..."

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I think I will bust out my pilates dvd's tonight and stay incredibly busy for the next few weeks. I have surgery at the end of this month and he is coming to stay with the kids for a week. I cannot alienate him before then because there is no one else. I think, too if we aren't around each other, things could be ok, the kids might be happy spending so much time with their Dad and he might have a little smidge of renewed respect for me and what I do each day.

 

Shew, sorry that's long but I feel a little better getting all that off my chest. Thanks for your words, and the straight talk. I love it, it respect it, need it and above all, value it. I am going to live through this.