How do I move on?

[BerryAire]

This is going to be long, and I apologize in advance.

 

I'm a single mum and have been playing an online MMORPG to pass the hours of my lonely days. In doing so I met the best friend I've ever had. He was going through a seperation from his wife, and as I was going through a seperation from my husband we found comfort in each other. We talked to each other for hours upon hours each day. I've never found someone I've clicked with so well. Our mutual friends said our friendship seemed like magic. In time our friendship turned to something more.

 

A few times I tried to break things off with him for fear of losing him to his wife (sounds funny, huh). He'd get so upset and call me crying begging me not to leave him. He wasn't working that hard to move out of his home with his wife and I began to doubt he ever would. He assured me repeatedly that he was working on leaving her and begged me to be strong and patient with him. And so I was. I'd do anything for this man and our incredible friendship.

 

I found out his wife was physically abusive to him and I tried harder to get him to leave her. He again and again asked for patience and time because he wanted to do things slowly without causing too much stress to their children. Patience was so hard for me because I worried so much I'd lose the best friend I've ever had.

 

I think you know where this is going.

 

A few weeks ago he started acting more distant. He came online less and talked to me less. He told me it was because his wife would cause angry fights every time he talked to me. He begged me to hang in there and assured me that we'd be together soon.

 

Each day he was on less and less. A few days ago I asked him if he was staying with his wife. He told me yes, and told me he couldn't bear to leave her after they had been married so long. My heart broke into more pieces than they have numbers for.

 

That was all I got. I tried to get more of a closure from him in emails but all I got in return was generic "I'm sorry that I put you through that. I just have to fight for my marriage now" emails in return. Today he deleted my characters off his on the game we played together.

 

I am just dying here. Today I saw him on the game as a random player (not able to talk to him like we used to as friends on the game) and my heart broke again as I watched him laugh and talk with his other friends all the while ignoring me.

 

How could he have gone from telling me I was his soulmate to completely ignoring me? How could he laugh and have fun while I'm breaking here? How could he beg me to stay his friend and be his support then drop me like I was nothing but trash? How can he move on so easily? And the most important question now, how do I get over him?

 

I miss my best friend so much. I miss having someone to talk to, someone who understands, someone who is there for me when I need him. It's not so much the losing of someone I loved, but losing that deep strong friendship that hurts so bad. I'd do ANYTHING to get that back.

 

Sorry to ramble. I'm just so lost that I don't know where to go anymore. Thanks in advance.

[whichwayisup]

All this took place online? You two never met face to face or talked on the phone? If this is the case, then the guy is full of crap and everything he's told you is crap. I bet his wife found out he was flirting and carrying on with some girl online and she put her footdown and that's why he's deleted his account and has backed off of you.

 

You only know what he's told you and chances are, not much of it is true. His actions and the way he is with your right now is showing you that whatever it is that was between you is over. Sorry, but the best thing you can do is try to forget him and heal.

 

Alot of this was based on fantasy and feelings, not real life. Anyone can click online. It's offline you really don't know him at all. I mean, do you know 100% that his wife abused him? If they have kids, don't you think that he'd have his wife arrested and charged, and do everything possible to protect his kids from her? mmm, makes ya think..

[BerryAire]

All this took place online? You two never met face to face or talked on the phone? If this is the case, then the guy is full of crap and everything he's told you is crap. I bet his wife found out he was flirting and carrying on with some girl online and she put her footdown and that's why he's deleted his account and has backed off of you.

 

You only know what he's told you and chances are, not much of it is true. His actions and the way he is with your right now is showing you that whatever it is that was between you is over. Sorry, but the best thing you can do is try to forget him and heal.

 

Alot of this was based on fantasy and feelings, not real life. Anyone can click online. It's offline you really don't know him at all. I mean, do you know 100% that his wife abused him? If they have kids, don't you think that he'd have his wife arrested and charged, and do everything possible to protect his kids from her? mmm, makes ya think..

 

 

It was all online, but in voice chat and telephone calls. May not seem as real to you but was more real than any physical relationship I've ever had.

 

I do know for a fact his wife was abusing him, I have pictures to prove it and I've been in contact with their social worker and all that. There's nothing to say he wasn't doing anything in retaliation or anything, but I do know she was abusive.

 

I'm not excusing him or anything, just clarifying.

 

And even after I threatened to take these pictures to the police he begged me not to because he was afraid of losing his kids. I know, I know.

 

I'm really not trying to stay with him or fix things with him and continue what we had. I'm trying to find out how to move on without feeling like I'm dying. Even though I know I was used as emotional rebound for him, I miss him SO much. Even though he used me and dumped me, he was there for me through some of the toughest times in my life. Now when I need that friend, there's noone there. That's what hurts. I have no real life friends, and I'm too depressed and shy to make any.

 

I'm trying to avoid letting this ever happen again. I can feel my tendencies surfacing. Wanting to hurry and find someone to fill that void, which I know would be catastraphic. So I'm writing here for ideas.

[Owl]

Very interesting.

 

If you'd like to see a similar story from a different perspective, take a look at this link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

If you're trying to avoid this from happening again, and trying to get out of the situation you're currently in, there are several steps you need to take immediately.

 

First off, change the server of whatever game you're playing on, so that you get away from MM. You need to break off contact completely with him...if you don't, its going to continue to hurt you, him, and everyone else involved everytime you log into game and see each other. Transfer your chars, delete them and start over on the new server...whatever.

 

Next...if you want to keep this from happening again, you need to break off your addiction to the game. Playing some is fine...but when its your primary means of interaction with other people (as this has clearly become), you need to start changing how you're living. Cut back (or quit) the game. Get into OTHER social outlets...get back into hobbies you had before, get new ones...you get the idea.

 

You also need to learn better boundaries for interacting with people online. Just because they SAY that things are 'this way'...doesn't mean that they're telling the truth. In reality, any picture he's sent to you could be fake, could be of someone/something else...etc... YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

 

Take all of this from another gamer, and from someone who's had to deal with all of this in his own life.

 

Read my thread...I'm willing to bet it strikes a lot of similarities to your situation.

[Tomcat33]

It was all online, but in voice chat and telephone calls. May not seem as real to you but was more real than any physical relationship I've ever had.

 

I do know for a fact his wife was abusing him, I have pictures to prove it and I've been in contact with their social worker and all that. There's nothing to say he wasn't doing anything in retaliation or anything, but I do know she was abusive.

 

I'm trying to avoid letting this ever happen again. I can feel my tendencies surfacing. Wanting to hurry and find someone to fill that void, which I know would be catastraphic. So I'm writing here for ideas.

 

I'm sorry but that bolded statement is very scary. You met a man in fantasy land playing a game and pretty much never left that environment to develop a friendship with him and this is the most real person you have ever met?

 

Once you detach yourself from the experience a little bit you will realise just how irrational this tatement is and you will also realise that the man you claim to be your best friend was anything but. You have never looked this man in the eyes and or had an in person confrontation with him, how do you suppose this person could be more real than anything you ever had?

 

Look, the reason it seems so real, so vivid, so powerful is because it was all in your head. When we create a reality in our heads, that reality can be very strong. They say the biggest sex organ is the brain and there is no doubt about that the brain's activity controls our reality. Please get a grip on what is real and what has been conjured up in your head. The truth is you have no clue who or what this man is and what he is about no matter how real all things you shared online seemed. People become other people online and it is very easy to create an ideal persona, there is time dilude reactions, to "massage" answers when asked a question to think things through so that ever single word that is discussed is premeditated and ideal no live interraction with another human being can live up to that, THIS is why it seemed so extraordinary, it was extraordinary it was surreal. On the phone without the capability of seeing someone's body language it is also easy to be something we are not. The only way you truly get to see what someone is about is to be with them in real time and in the flesh.

[Owl]

Wow...mark the date! I agree with TC on something!

[whichwayisup]

Yes, that was a great post reply by TC!

 

It was all online, but in voice chat and telephone calls. May not seem as real to you but was more real than any physical relationship I've ever had.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply your feelings weren't real, I'm sure they are very real. Problem is, your feelings are based alot on fantasy, on what he's told you about him, his life and ofcourse how he's made you feel. You did get alot out of the friendship, but it being online, it seems it was on his terms..

 

You don't really know this man, you only know what he's told you and who knows if any of it is true.

 

I do know for a fact his wife was abusing him, I have pictures to prove it and I've been in contact with their social worker and all that. There's nothing to say he wasn't doing anything in retaliation or anything, but I do know she was abusive.

 

Again, you don't know 100% for sure. Though I am not sure I understand when you say you've been intouch with their social worker? That just seems slightly odd to me...Then again, he could have easily had someone pose as a SW and photoshopped the pictures as well. Never say never...

 

And even after I threatened to take these pictures to the police he begged me not to because he was afraid of losing his kids. I know, I know.

Why would HE lose the kids if his wife was abusing him? Doesn't make sense. Don't you think that's weird?

 

I'm really not trying to stay with him or fix things with him and continue what we had. I'm trying to find out how to move on without feeling like I'm dying. Even though I know I was used as emotional rebound for him, I miss him SO much. Even though he used me and dumped me, he was there for me through some of the toughest times in my life. Now when I need that friend, there's noone there. That's what hurts. I have no real life friends, and I'm too depressed and shy to make any.

 

I understand you're lonely, but reaching out to someone online may not be the way to go. Have you thought about taking a course, or doing a hobby which involves alot of people. The depressed feelings and your shyness could get better if you slowly put yourself out there...But, if you're not ready for that, then maybe it's time to seek some counselling to help you build up your self confidence and work through your shyness.

 

I'm trying to avoid letting this ever happen again. I can feel my tendencies surfacing. Wanting to hurry and find someone to fill that void, which I know would be catastraphic. So I'm writing here for ideas.

 

Talking about it is good, so keep posting. Work on you, getting you feeling happier without having to rely on some guy to make you feel good.

[BerryAire]

I appreciate your comments thus far, and I appreciate your points of view. I want to make it clear that I realize that in-the-flesh relationships are much more real and I'm not naive on that point. However, the relationship I had with this person affected me as much, if not more than any real-life relationships because instead of us spending time together jsut being , we had months and months of talking and talking and talking. It wasn't an in-game relationship, we took it outside the game. I've never talked so much to another human being, never bore my soul like to that to anyone, ever. He was there when I needed an ear, I was there when he needed one. We laughed together, cried together, and I honestly feel-loved- together. This relationship was very real to me, however wrong or right it was. I'm sure a lot of it was all in my head, but that doesn't make the outcome or what I'm feeling now any different.

 

This relationship has terrified me of tendencies within myself that I never knew exhisted. We had plans to meet, he had plans to leave his wife (however honest they were, Im not sure now) and come live with me sometime down the road (sounds crazy, I know). I would have done it all too, no question.

 

I've always been very religious and the thought of becoming involved in an affair would horrify me in the past. I have no idea what made this seem so different.

 

Whats worse is the feeling of absolute loss I am feeling now. And the humiliation. He made it easy to get out of bed and face the world. He made every part of my day better, just having him in my head. Now I'm left lonely and embarassed. Ashamed that I've become a homewrecker. Worried that I'd have compulsions to have another similar EA with another MM. I honestly don't know myself anymore.

 

I'm biting through the pain and trying to move on. I'm finding it incredibly hard, even for a relationship you'd not describe as the real deal. I wake up thinking about him, little memories float in and out of my head and break me down. Just when I think I'm feeling better and stronger about it I'll remember something and it tears me down again. I hate knowing I was discarded like a piece of gum stuck on a shoe. I hate knowing I was that gum to begin with.

 

Scarier than ever are the compulsions I'm feeling. It's taken all I can muster to go NC with him. I feel like a crazy person, and I know I'm typically a rational person. I keep refreshing my email wishing an email would show up, although knowing that would be really bad. I keep checking my phone for missed calls hoping he called, although knowing that would be bad.

 

I know it's not HIM I miss. I could have done much better and know I would have been disappointed in him if we did end up physically together. But I realize I'm so lonely and depressed that he was like a drug to me. Now my drug was taken away cold-turkey and I'm left with terrible withdrawl symptoms.

 

My son.. My beautiful young sweet boy. He's in kindergarten now and I cry myself to sleep each night knowing I missed most of last year because I was so stinking dependent on this computer and my "drug". I've been no sort of mom to him the last year, and I'm struggling finding my way out of this fog to be one for him.

 

Tomorrow I will make an appointment to see a doctor and hopefully find a path to clearing my head of depression and this crazy dependence I have.

 

What do I need to do to have a Journal here? It'd be nice to be able to record my progress (oh god, please let me progress).

 

Thanks for listening. I've spent hours the past couple days reading the various threads and relating to so many here. It's the one thing that's kept me from contacting him and making a larger fool out of myself.

Edited February 5, 2008 by BerryAire

[whichwayisup]

Because of your child, you need to seek that counselling to help you cope. The negative thoughts and also your worries about getting involved with another MM is not a good thing. Your kid needs you at your best!! I am glad you're going to talk to your Dr. THey can make a referral for you.

 

What you can do, for your own sanity is, block his email. This way you won't be 'waiting' to hear from him, putting your feelings on hold. Somehow you need to work through those feelings and let go. Or atleast try to. And, when you have thoughts of him (aka the withdrawal) distract yourself. Go outside, go for a walk. Or watch some TV, listen to music, do some yoga.. You need to try to get out of the habit of thinking about him and not having him in your daily life.

 

What do I need to do to have a Journal here? It'd be nice to be able to record my progress (oh god, please let me progress).

 

I'm not sure how that works. Is there anything in your profile that gives you an option to start one? If not, then use the contact us link, ask the mods hopefully they can help you.

[Owl]

Did you read the link I provided in my first post?

 

You're going to have a rough time "moving on", if you're still seeing him in game at all.

[whichwayisup]

This thread might help you with the no contact.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ It's a long one, but has helped many.

[BerryAire]

Did you read the link I provided in my first post?

 

You're going to have a rough time "moving on", if you're still seeing him in game at all.

 

Yes, I did read your link. Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear that happened to both of you. I'm finding out what a terrible, scary thing depression can be and I'm glad to hear that your wife found some treatment that is helping.

 

So far I've not seen him in game again. If I do see him in the future I plan to leave the area I'm at immediately. I wish I could change servers or something, but unfortunately with the way this particular game works and where I'm at in it I have to be in the special server where the most powerful players are.

 

I am thinking that therapy will lead me to quit playing the game and that may be a good thing.

 

What's helping me move on the most is knowing he's moved on. As much as that just absolutely kills inside, it's the harsh reality that I need to get me back to my senses.

 

 

This thread might help you with the no contact.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ It's a long one, but has helped many.

 

Thank you.

Edited February 5, 2008 by BerryAire

[Owl]

The best thing to help you quit playing the game is to quit playing the game.

 

Either cancel your account, or shut off internet in your home. (Or if you have an internet saavy friend, have them block the IP addresses for the game you play in your router so that you can't access the game but can still use the internet).

 

Start working out...its a great relief on its own for depression and stress, and can help take up some of that time you've devoted to gaming.

 

Get re-involved with RL friends and family...stop spending the time with the ones from game, and rebuild those "real" friendships.

 

Either renew an old hobby, or start a new one. Again, anything that helps devote time and attention away from the addiction.

 

Do this for AT LEAST 30 days...45-60 is more preferable to help you overcome the "habit" that gaming has become.

 

I'm speaking from personal experience...you'd be amazed at what you can do when you really try.

[BerryAire]

The best thing to help you quit playing the game is to quit playing the game.

 

Either cancel your account, or shut off internet in your home. (Or if you have an internet saavy friend, have them block the IP addresses for the game you play in your router so that you can't access the game but can still use the internet).

 

Start working out...its a great relief on its own for depression and stress, and can help take up some of that time you've devoted to gaming.

 

Get re-involved with RL friends and family...stop spending the time with the ones from game, and rebuild those "real" friendships.

 

Either renew an old hobby, or start a new one. Again, anything that helps devote time and attention away from the addiction.

 

Do this for AT LEAST 30 days...45-60 is more preferable to help you overcome the "habit" that gaming has become.

 

I'm speaking from personal experience...you'd be amazed at what you can do when you really try.

 

It bugs me that I may have to quit a hobby I really enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hard-core gamer spending 24/7 on the computer playing the game. But it is a great stress reliever in the evening times with the kiddo is in bed, or during periods when he's at school and I really enjoy it. I've never actually found a game that I enjoy and this one is child-friendly and I've met lots of wonderful people (most other mothers). I just don't want to lose that.

 

I do need to balance it some and not play when I'm feeling needy or depressed. I'm a high-functioning autistic and other hobbies and activities around real-life people make me really nervous and sick. So I tend to do quiet things alone around the house such as jigsaw puzzles and knitting. Things like that however, make me think too much about what I'm missing in my life and just depress me more. The game is one of my only things I can do around other people for extended periods of time without feeling edgy and nervous. It's nice to be able to talk to other people without having issues from my autism flare up.

 

I was in therapy before I left my husband. It's been two years without seeing a single doctor or taking a single medication and I'm really feeling the lowest I ever have. I know that I need to get back into taking care of my emotional and mental health.

[PLAYBRAT]

Hi Berry....You seem to have your act together despite the way things have turned out for you. I know how addictive the computer can be...

even though I'm not a gamer or into games...things like this forum are even addicting.I have to log onto this site at least once a day.It is

just a habit...so I can certainly understand where you are coming from.

 

I also understand HOW easy it is to get sucked into an online 'relationship'. As the other posters said though, most of it is fantasy based...even though it FEELS so real.

I have found though that it's easier to open up to someone you don't really know...online because you are not as fearful of the repercussions of disclosing things

as someone in real life. Online relationships tend to become a lot more addictive because it IS purely emotional...and not physical. Online relationships tend to move a LOT faster and seem so much more intense because you are learning things about the person right away....whereas in REAL life it might take you up to 6 full months of dating someone to learn

even half as much. Dating in real life is actually a much slower process because it takes more effort. Online you get everything at the click of a button......so the reality is...it is just not realistic.

 

I think Owl gave you some great advice and to start focusing on your real life....even if you stop gaming for a couple of months to get yourself AWAY from the addiction. More importantly though start focusing on your child. I am sure this would be a great time for you and him to spend more time together.

 

I wish you the best....

[Owl]

It bugs me that I may have to quit a hobby I really enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hard-core gamer spending 24/7 on the computer playing the game. But it is a great stress reliever in the evening times with the kiddo is in bed, or during periods when he's at school and I really enjoy it. I've never actually found a game that I enjoy and this one is child-friendly and I've met lots of wonderful people (most other mothers). I just don't want to lose that.

 

I can understand that. More than you know. I too am a gamer, and completely understand where you're coming from.

 

Here's the thing. He's as likely 'addicted' as you are to the game. Odds are high that he's going to come back to it again...and if you're still there too, you're both setting the stage for this to happen again...and even again.

 

Which is why the first thing I suggested was a move to another server. If that's not possible, then you're left with less workable options if you refuse to quit playing. Requesting a name change might keep him from 'finding' you...but then how do you keep yourself from looking for him?

 

I've been through this with my wife...I have a pretty good idea of what its going to take to prevent this from going on. If you can't 'move' in game...you need to leave the game, or something as dramatic as that.

 

I do need to balance it some and not play when I'm feeling needy or depressed. I'm a high-functioning autistic and other hobbies and activities around real-life people make me really nervous and sick. So I tend to do quiet things alone around the house such as jigsaw puzzles and knitting. Things like that however, make me think too much about what I'm missing in my life and just depress me more. The game is one of my only things I can do around other people for extended periods of time without feeling edgy and nervous. It's nice to be able to talk to other people without having issues from my autism flare up.

 

Amazingly enough, I've a family member who is a high functioning autistic. So I know that changes are going to be even more difficult for you to make than most. I'm glad to hear that you're managing as well as you are.

 

How about THIS alternative? Start a NEW game?

 

If you're playing WoW, switch to City of Heroes, Everquest, or Dark Age of Camelot. If you're in EQ, you could pick those...or trying going to EQ II. Or you might consider any of the other tons of MMORPG games that are out there that you might try.

 

You keep the same type of intereaction with people that you're used to...but elminate the chance to interact with HIM.

 

I was in therapy before I left my husband. It's been two years without seeing a single doctor or taking a single medication and I'm really feeling the lowest I ever have. I know that I need to get back into taking care of my emotional and mental health.

 

If you're feeling this way, then it probably is time to check in and get some help...both medicinal (AD's, etc...) and psychological (contact your old therapist).

 

You have options. The issue that you're dealing with is that when you're depressed, combined with the other things in your life, you're not able to see them very well.

 

Set up an appt with your doctor and your therapist...tell them what I've suggested...see what they say.