The curse of online communities. Are they making it harder to move on?

[Gravedigger]

Just a thought here. My ex, who I had a really hard time getting over suddenly shows up on Facebook, even though she once said to me that these communities are for shallow people who have no life. Nowadays, it is really hard not to come across your X, even though he or she moves far away from you. If they have an internetconnection, it's almost certain that he or she will someday pop up somewhere, be it on Myspace, Facebook, Linkedin or whereever. I don't know how you people deal with that, but my heart often stops beating when I find an X I really cared about on an online community. It's so tempting to contact them, have a sneak at their profile to see their new significant other, but it's usually always a bad Idea. I think our parents had it much easier, back then you had to have a landline phone to get in contact, and it would take some nerve calling your ex up as you never knew who picked up in the other end.

 

Any thoughts anyone ?

[Aboohoo]

I totally understand, my ex keeps appearing on facebook - recent pictures of him going out killed me! Its like a bruise on my arm i cant stop poking - its like i torturing myself by going on his page! I wish facebook etc was never invented!

[underpants]

I don't have a facebook or myspace.

 

I have an email address and a phone. Heck, I don't even have caller ID.

 

Less drama.

[fabulousgal]

amen, it makes it terrible.

[s_n_d]

They definitely dont help in the whole moving on process.

I resorted to deactivating my facebook account for the time-being, even though it was my only means of communication with SOME of my friends. However, I felt like I had no other choice...

I also deleted him off my msn friends list.

 

Im better off... For now..Until I am ready to deal with all the drama that comes along with Facebook and all the other "online communities".

[swansong519]

I don't have a facebook or myspace.

 

I have an email address and a phone. Heck, I don't even have caller ID.

 

Less drama.

 

A person after my own heart. I honestly have no interest in joining one of those sites. I don't see the appeal.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

Yup!! I'm there too. I find myself erasing him from my MSN and MySpace to "get over him" but later on, I add him to my contacts again on MSN and now, seems like I always have to check on him on MySpace so I keep him on my "favorites". Why do I do that?

 

It's keeping me from getting over him. He's obviously not interested in talking to me because he sees me online when using the MSN chat. I sign on and off, and I get nothing but silence. I just stare at his name on my MSN account. It's almost as if seeing him signed on, keeps my breathing machine on. I must pull the plugs!!

 

I'm glad someone wrote about this topic because I find myself in the exact same situation and didn't know someone else felt the same.

 

What am I doing?

Am I hoping that he's miserable?

Why do I care if he added more friends to his list or lost some?

Is it going to make a difference whether he checks his MySpace account daily or waits a few days to check it?

 

OMG!! I must be silently stalking him!!! :(

 

MUST GET A LIFE....... MUST GET A LIFE...... MUST GET A LIFE....

[Jasmine777]

You are right, the internet makes it much more tempting to call or hear from our exs. My ex keeps trying to skype me all the time!! He won't leave me alone and he is the one with a new girlfriend. I try and say LEAVE ME ALONE and he won't just about an hour ago, he skyped me. His reasoning for it is he wants to see if I am doing okay. He does not need to ask me that everyday! I have been fine and I am moving on gracefully but I think maybe he is the one whom can't let go. If it wasn't for internet he would never try and contact me therefore you are right the internet is destructive towards people sometimes!

[Gravedigger]

It's keeping me from getting over him. He's obviously not interested in talking to me because he sees me online when using the MSN chat. I sign on and off, and I get nothing but silence. I just stare at his name on my MSN account. It's almost as if seeing him signed on, keeps my breathing machine on. I must pull the plugs!!

 

I'm glad someone wrote about this topic because I find myself in the exact same situation and didn't know someone else felt the same.

 

. . . . . .

 

You're not the only one. I've also been at the "signing on and off-stage" with MSN, hoping that she would eventualle message me, that is so pathetic when you think about it, like that kid at school who keeps yelling PICK ME, PICK ME

[Trialbyfire]

I broke to peer pressure and opened up different accounts, in different online communities, over the past few years. I've found that I rarely bother signing on, which works great, from the no contact perspective.

 

I might just close my accounts but I have a few friends who for some reason, maintain that it's important to keep in touch that way. Considering that we call or see each other in person and rarely use those facilities except to put inane comments onto each other's profiles, they have strange needs....

[Jackieboy]

Easy solution, don't look up their details on any facebook type site. It is a form of contact with your ex in that you are still checking on their life and in your mind keeping alive an imaginary connection. To do this violates no contact and will just set your mind off again thinking about your ex and therefore set you back mentally. Move on, its hard but don't check up on any aspect of their life. Sincerely, don't do it folks!

[Trialbyfire]

I agree Jackieboy. Stop your online stalking and punt them from all your contact lists.

 

It's no different than driving by their homes or places that they frequent.

[oppath]

Oh, but if you drop them from your contact lists, that just means you are petty and immature and don't know how to leave well enough alone and don't know how to just get over it already.

 

Haha. That's the attitude some people have or what they say to themselves when they debate it.

 

If I'm too hurt to be your friend at all, you are booted. I would understand 100% if a woman told me "It will be too painful for me" and she dropped me as a friend. It does not make her immature in my eyes. I would understand. But a lot of people aren't like that. I've overheard conversations "he said he can't be my friend and he deleted me from his myspace." "Oh my god, what a baby. You made the right decision dumping his immature ass." WTF?!?! How can you move on when you see someone's photo every time you log in? All it does is tempt you to look at their profile where you see comments from guys/girls you never knew. That's a great idea .

 

How about you punt them from your friends lists and a couple months later, if you feel you can be friends with them, you re-add them? To me, that sounds like the most mature thing you can do. But some of my ex's did not understand that. Apparently me deleting them from my myspace -- when I told them "I'd like to be your friend in a few months, but right now it's too painful, I want to remove the temptation to look at your photos or solicit information about you until I am 100% moved on" -- is the equivalent of permanently burning a bridge.

[Gravedigger]

Good to hear all your comments. I find myself wasting about half an hour of my life every day on Facebook, I think it's become an addiction but for the time being, I can't stop it.

 

I had a friend request today from my ex, who I haven't heard from in months. I think I have sort of gotten over her, but I worry if I accept her request, I will be checking her profile daily. Goddamn! I wish we could just live in the stone-age where the only means of communication were by lighting a fire and sending smoke-signals

[sedgwick]

I have a myspace account, but it's mostly for networking. I deleted him from all my accounts within the hour after he broke up with me and haven't looked at any of his websites since. I deleted him from my phone too. I looked at a mutual friend's myspace recently and there was a comment from my ex with a graphic for their album release party, and when I saw his picture my heart started pounding and I felt sick. I looked away and haven't been back to her page. I can't imagine looking at his myspace or website on purpose.

[lbj123]

If I'm too hurt to be your friend at all, you are booted. I would understand 100% if a woman told me "It will be too painful for me" and she dropped me as a friend. It does not make her immature in my eyes. I would understand. But a lot of people aren't like that. I've overheard conversations "he said he can't be my friend and he deleted me from his myspace." "Oh my god, what a baby. You made the right decision dumping his immature ass." WTF?!?! How can you move on when you see someone's photo every time you log in? All it does is tempt you to look at their profile where you see comments from guys/girls you never knew. That's a great idea .quote]

 

This is the exact problem I have! My ex and I are both on IM all day during the week. He IMs me virtually everday and I just want it to stop...but I feel that deleting him would make me look somewhat pathetic. He wants us to be friends, which I am fine with, but I have no interest in speaking to him each and every day. I need some space! The internet can definitely be annoying when trying to move on!

[Joebo]

After I split up with the GF my friends wife said to me ' I haven't heard from _______ even though I've been trying to get her on bebo for ages.' It turns out that my GF had a bebo account for 3 months with photo, friends, info about her etc.. that I never knew about. We discussed this later and she said that it was nothing and she hardly used it. I can honestly say that I have never looked at it in 6 months, why torture myself? Nonetheless, I found it very strange that she had this account with about 30 people on it (friends and people from work) but had never mentioned it to me. She just said that I would not have been interested in it. My friends were half and half, some thought it was strange, some thought there was nothing to it.

 

Any thoughts on that?

[Gravedigger]

Joebo. Sounds strange to me too, that she didn't mention anything to you about her account. I think there are two kinds of people in this world, those who can pretty easily get over a relationship, and have no problems staying "friends" with their exes. I have a friend like that who has lot's of his ex GFs on his facebook, msn, heck he even sees them in person now and then. Then there are the people like us on LS, who keep looking for answers, and who can't easiliy forget. Well, that's just my opinion, but anyway, I am thinking of rejecting my ex's recent friend request, but i also am thinking of including a comment to her as to why i don't think we should be "friends". Does that sound childish?

[Joebo]

If you think that you should not be friends then that is your decision GD. I would explain why then leave it at that. Seems to me to be a mature way to handle it. There is no point in you being friends if it is a constant reminder to you that you want something more. Take it easy.

 

JB.

[mousse]

Gravedigger,

 

My ex sent me a facebook friend's request after 6 months of complete NC and I decided to reject it. I thought it was mean to add me as a facebook friend 6 months after leaving me. I interpreted this friend's request as a test to see if he still had some control over me. I feel that your ex is doing the same because she hasn't contacted you for months. If she really wanted to be your friend, she would call you or send a personal email.

 

Did your ex add a personal message with the friend's request ? If she did, it's a good idea to add reasons to explain why you can't be friends with her. If she didn't, why bother ? She didn't take the time to explain you why she was adding you to her facebook...

[demilde]

Joebo. Sounds strange to me too, that she didn't mention anything to you about her account. I think there are two kinds of people in this world, those who can pretty easily get over a relationship, and have no problems staying "friends" with their exes. I have a friend like that who has lot's of his ex GFs on his facebook, msn, heck he even sees them in person now and then. Then there are the people like us on LS, who keep looking for answers, and who can't easiliy forget. Well, that's just my opinion, but anyway, I am thinking of rejecting my ex's recent friend request, but i also am thinking of including a comment to her as to why i don't think we should be "friends". Does that sound childish?

similar thing happened to me the other day; ex from 18 months ago, out of the blue sent a friend request. Bit taken aback to be honest. I know she has been through a lot during that time with her business etc and I am cool with stuff. Decided to accept the request and see what happens. Not sure if we could be friends per se, but you never know what could happen. People do change, as I have done and I will always give them the chance, without being a doormat myself. I can always delete the friend if it aint doing anything for me.

[Gravedigger]

Joebo, mousse, demilde. Thanks. Interesting comments, thanks. No, the friend invite didn't come with a comment, so i am wondering whe even bother. But as demilde says, There is always the possibility of deleting her off again, so maybe I have a peek at her profile.