ButtHead Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm back again thanks to the sound advice of carrot and kirikat. Thank you! Anyways, we're having another problem. I told my gf and meant that I want to commit to her. I want to make this work, but now there's one thing troubling us both and one just me. I'll start with our mutual problem. On my winter break I saw her everyday and enjoyed every minute with her for a month. Now that I'm back in school, I see her 1-2 times a week for 5-8 hours until night time. I haven't hung out with my friends for a month and I feel guilty now that I have a chance to. They all say I'm being whipped and, sadly, I think it's true. I don't hang out with my friends all the time and I'd like to be able to do it without feeling guilty. She's obviously irritated when I'm with my friends because she wants me all to herself. I love spending time with her too, but I don't have much time away from school and I'd like to see my friends more than once a month. The second problem makes her sound bad, but its been eating at me for awhile. She's threatening me to stay with her in a way. I want to stay with her, but I don't like how there's a threat waiting for me if I don't. PM me if you must know of the threat.
Author ButtHead Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 It doesn't seem like there's a PM function so I'll just say the threat involves harm to herself. It's very serious and I've heard of too many similar stories in my area of NJ.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I tried to PM you, and it said that you have chosen not to recieve private messages. If you go to "Edit Options" under the control pannel, you can enable your PM capabilties. PM me with some more of the details so I can help you.
Author ButtHead Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Sorry, I can't find it. I see Messaging & Notification Receive Email From time to time, the administrators may want to send you email notices. If you do not want to receive these notices, disable this option. Receive Email from Administrators Default Thread Subscription Mode When you post a new thread, or reply to a topic, you can choose to automatically add that thread to your list of subscribed threads, with the option to receive email notification of new replies to that thread. Do not subscribe No email notification Instant email notification Daily email notification Weekly email notification Default Thread Subscription Mode:
Author ButtHead Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 maybe I don't have enough posts anyways, I don't mind if someone rips me a new one, I just need someone to tell me where I'm standing and if I'm doing the right thing.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 There isn't anything under the Default Thread Subscription Mode? It should have a huge block of settings with the heading "Private Messaging." Anyway, if that doesn't work, do you feel comfortable telling me the situation in your thread? If so, I would be more then willing to help. You may also want to post in the "dating" section. You will probably get more responses there.
oppath Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I can't comment on her threat. However, you only see her 1-2 times a week. Sorry, but if you want to see her less, that's not really fair to her. What are you doing the other 5-6 days a week that you can't see your friends? You can hang out with her and your friends too. It's easy to take her to dinner, and then join your friends for an hour, and then go back to her place. If anything I'd split up the time you spend into smaller chunks but see her an extra day of the week for 1 hour. Whatever threat she made sounds very unhealthy. But you aren't whipped for seeing her twice a week. You should be able to handle that, school, and your friends. And if you are spending 8 hours together, it's ok for you to bring some workout clothes, for example, and go spend an hour at the gym away from her during your time with her.
Author ButtHead Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) She's never directly mentioned it, but she always agrees that when two lovers are separated for any reason, suicide is the answer. I can't convince her otherwise. I'm getting a strong vibe that I need to stay with her or else. I'm happy with her, but I don't like this way of thinking. As for the time, I'm trying to juggle work, school, and homework. It's actually also a little weird for me to spend an hour with my friends. As for my girlfriend, I see her for 2-3 hours after school on top of the usual full 1-3 days (Fridays and weekends) when I get the chance. However, I've tried splitting time up with my girlfriend while we're together, but then we argue that I consider her just a part of a schedule and that makes her feel insignificant. I think it's a good solution, but she doesn't like it since she wants the whole day with me. Thanks for the suggestion and I might try it again. I would be happy with just one day out with my friends a week out of the three that I'm free and spend the rest with her, but as it stands, I'm getting zero days with my friends unless I want to argue for it. Btw, my friends don't get along with her. The world loves me. Edited February 9, 2008 by ButtHead
Reckless Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 She's never directly mentioned it, but she always agrees that when two lovers are separated for any reason, suicide is the answer. I can't convince her otherwise. I'm getting a strong vibe that I need to stay with her or else. Does this sound like a balanced girl that you should build a future with?
Author ButtHead Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 The topic has been avoided and it's not put against me, but I feel like it might happen some time after if we were to break up. Aside from that, I like her a lot, but I'm conflicted about why I want to stay with her. I definitely don't want her to harm herself, but at the same time, I see a wonderful, cute, young lady that can be my girlfriend and my friend. There are some kinks in the relationship that I'd like to work out and one of them is seeing my friends. I've heard that if I break up, I'd be left with nothing. They're good friends too so it's hard on me. Should I push on about seeing my friends maybe once a week?
carrotgirl Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hi BH, glad to see you. She's never directly mentioned it, but she always agrees that when two lovers are separated for any reason, suicide is the answer. I can't convince her otherwise. I'm getting a strong vibe that I need to stay with her or else. I'm happy with her, but I don't like this way of thinking. I would say recognize this for what it is, likely a harmless manipulation ploy, and don't give it much of your time or energy. Sure it's possible that she means to throw herself off a cliff but it's not probable so let's go with probable for now. It's not in great taste to make a hint like that but it's hardly unusual and if you have a sense of humor, you might even see that it really is a silly , yet effective game. She found a string that gets a response from you so she's twanging it. Think of a child who figures out if he cries, his mother will pick him up. Every time she says something like this, you argue with her, so you're rewarding her by engaging. It's a reliable attention holding tool! If you say something non-committal like "could be" when she says one of these sorts of things (instead of arguing) she'll probably find something else to twang. This kind of stuff is dumb stuff that you never see when you're IN the moment but much, much later, you realize, no biggie in reality. And I don't think it's a sign of her having insecurity or a god complex or insensitivity to you. I think she's just feeling her way around the relationship and her power in it, what works and what doesn't the same way you are. As for the time, I'm trying to juggle work, school, and homework. It's actually also a little weird for me to spend an hour with my friends. As for my girlfriend, I see her for 2-3 hours after school on top of the usual full 1-3 days (Fridays and weekends) when I get the chance. However, I've tried splitting time up with my girlfriend while we're together, but then we argue that I consider her just a part of a schedule and that makes her feel insignificant. I think it's a good solution, but she doesn't like it since she wants the whole day with me. Thanks for the suggestion and I might try it again. I would be happy with just one day out with my friends a week out of the three that I'm free and spend the rest with her, but as it stands, I'm getting zero days with my friends unless I want to argue for it. Btw, my friends don't get along with her. The world loves me. This is where you have to gather your courage and take responsibility for yourself and let her take responsibility for herself. If your girl is going to act irritated and not say anything, I recommend ignoring the behavior. In general with people I try to reward what I like and ignore what I don't. Remember, even negative attention from you is attention from you. You just do what you need to do to be a whole, healthy person. She'll figure out her own situation. If she verbalizes her irritation directly, I'd say this: The most important things to me are work, school, my friends, my family and YOU. I loved seeing you every day during break but I don't have the same amount of free time now. I want to keep seeing you a couple of times a week. I want to be sure I'm doing what I need to for school and work and my family and friends too. And then you stop talking. You aren't asking a question. You aren't taking responsibility for her. You're stating what is and what you want. Try it and see how it goes. As for the friends, ha! Ignore them. More typical stuff. They mean no harm and they mean no good. It's just not very important stuff to your friendships with them or to your relationship with your girl. Let it roll. Now if they're really trashing her to you, that's something else, but letting you know they don't like her? Small stuff. They get less of you if you're attached. Very small stuff. Best, Carrot
Author ButtHead Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Hi again, carrot! I'll try not to worry too much about it, but I see how it might work. I got really emotional last time it was mentioned. I just tried to tell her that I'd like to balance my time better by seeing her just 2 days a week, but she says it's not enough. I guess that fact that I can live with 2 days a week with her makes me not care enough about the relationship. What should I do? I feel really pressured and guilty because she wants only 2 things right now - spend more time with me and hear those three words from me. I have a small surprise for her on Valentine's Day, but at this rate, I don't think she'd be open enough to let me see her.
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