Need strength to get away from him for a while to change his general attitude?

[notanaddict]

This is what happens everytime I try to play it cool. I see him going about his day as if nothing effects him. I start to think about the good things we share. I start to think that it's not worth being right as long as I have the good things. I start to think that I'm the bigger person if I can see the bigger picture and just let him be right so we can move on. Sometimes I know I sound like a woman with low self esteem - but thats far from the truth. He will never make me feel less than I am on the inside.

I'm doing okay so far. I look great (hot) today and I know it. I'm being very productive in my work. I'm enjoying my other coworkers. I need to keep this up and not think about him or look at him every time he walks by.

He will come around, but probably not today...Stay Strong!

[Tomcat33]

This is what happens everytime I try to play it cool. I see him going about his day as if nothing effects him. I start to think about the good things we share. I start to think that it's not worth being right as long as I have the good things. I start to think that I'm the bigger person if I can see the bigger picture and just let him be right so we can move on. Sometimes I know I sound like a woman with low self esteem - but thats far from the truth. He will never make me feel less than I am on the inside.

I'm doing okay so far. I look great (hot) today and I know it. I'm being very productive in my work. I'm enjoying my other coworkers. I need to keep this up and not think about him or look at him every time he walks by.

He will come around, but probably not today...Stay Strong!

 

You stay strong!!! Of course he will go on as if nothing he has mastered the art of aloofness plus I am sure he is fairly confident you will come around because that is what your history prooves. So you do the same go on with your day and keep posting here every time you feel like caving.

 

In regards to your bolded comment that is exactly how you train a man like this to come around and to act in a mature manner in a typical relationship, that is how my best friend did it, she was the bigger person and showed him to come around and worked very hard to make him feel secure. However in your situation it is quite different your affair with this man is based on things that will trigger a lot of insecurities so there is no way you can build a strong foundation of safety and reassurance with someone you simply cannot trust, and vice versa, so the only way you can beat him in his own game is to stoop to his level.

 

But the thing I question is, if all you want is to have fun with this man and enjoy the affair why does it matter that he come to his senses and meet you half way? If you will never have a real relationship with him nor will either one of you leave your current marriages to be together why does it matter that you do things "right" in terms of standing up for what you believe in and demand to be treated as you deserve in a normal relationship? If you want an emotional relationship then yes it is worth fighting for what is right, but if all you want it is to continue to have fun with him why get in to it so deep, let bygones be bygones and get back to having fun?

Edited February 4, 2008 by Tomcat33

[notanaddict]

The relationship we have is emotional. So I guess thats why I fight for it to be a certain way.

Now I screwed up. I did start talking to him. And it came out - I asked if he wanted to talk about the fight. He said that I need to just leave the whole thing alone (I feel this is what he says when he knows he is wrong). Then he said that I'm crossing the line. That's the last straw. I'm so angry I'm ready to break up with him. I flipped out and demanded that he meet me for a drink tonight to talk about this. So much for playing it cool. I think it really is time to say goodbye - I've never gotten this close to being done with it before. I think hearing other peoples opinions on how insecure and controlling he is has really helped me open my eyes to it. I'm going to tell him tonight that we are done. I hope I have the strength to go through with it and I hope I have the strength to stick to the decision in the days to come.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so angry I'm ready to break up with him.

 

Then do it. And remember this anger when you feel weak and want him again. The guy is a jerk.

[notanaddict]

Rereading Tomcats last post, I had one more thing to add...

You are right Tomcat - The A was just supposed to be fun - but we both became emotionally involved. We used to have it all under control and had lots of fun. Now I see it is just unraveling into a big emotional mess. All the more reason to stop this now before it becomes really out of control. I know he will agree with that point. What is really going to hurt is when I tell him its over he will walk away and not look back. I know him. That will hurt.

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse it will hurt, and it will probably hurt for a long time. Isn't dealing with one big hurt all at once easier than dealing with the continual hurts daily? Weekly? Monthly?

[goodbyegirl]

He is controlling, temperamental, jealous, and emotionally manipulative.

 

My xMM was just like this. No matter what I did for him, it wasn't good enough. He seemed to only think about how *he* felt, not how *I* felt (unless he was thinking about how my feelings for him were so great). I began to realize it was a form of emotional manipulation. I saw that he didn't really love me, he only loved me as an extension of himself. He liked that I was emotionally dependent on him and needed him and was always there for him. I began to feel like I was his infant or his mother, not his equal.

 

Notanaddict, I am not saying your xMM is just like mine, but they sound a lot the same and I agree with you that he is very insecure. I think that often insecure people cheat, and they want to have everything (their spouse, the partner they're cheating with, and that partner all to themselves and not cheating on *them* with anyone else), but they know they themselves can't give their all to a relationship so they turn super controlling and demanding. It is just an observation based on my xMM and how I was when I cheated -- insecure, selfish, needy, a lot of not pretty things.

 

I am not sure what the solution is, I think it is just the product of that type of relationship. I guess I just want to say I understand your frustration and I have been there. The only thing that worked for me was asking my xMM to put himself in my shoes and see how he would feel if I did the same thing to him. I don't think he *meant* to be like that, and when I pointed it out, he realized it and apologized. But he would only do that once I got him to look at it from his own perspective. He was just selfish, by nature. And I was too at the time.

[notanaddict]

Notanaddict, I am not saying your xMM is just like mine, but they sound a lot the same and I agree with you that he is very insecure. I think that often insecure people cheat, and they want to have everything (their spouse, the partner they're cheating with, and that partner all to themselves and not cheating on *them* with anyone else), but they know they themselves can't give their all to a relationship so they turn super controlling and demanding. It is just an observation based on my xMM and how I was when I cheated -- insecure, selfish, needy, a lot of not pretty things.

 

You are right. They are alike. Also in the way he wants to make sure I'm not cheating on him with anyone else as you stated above. He is always making comments about that. He does want to control all of it, but at the same time knows that he can never know what I am doing when I'm not with him. I'm heartbroken right now. I just wish we could have communicated better. I think it is too late to fix it at this point. I'm exhausted.

[goodbyegirl]

You are right. They are alike. Also in the way he wants to make sure I'm not cheating on him with anyone else as you stated above. He is always making comments about that. He does want to control all of it, but at the same time knows that he can never know what I am doing when I'm not with him. I'm heartbroken right now. I just wish we could have communicated better. I think it is too late to fix it at this point. I'm exhausted.

 

Yes, that sounds just like my xMM. I only wanted to be with him, had separated from my husband so that we could be together, and had no desire to be with any other guy (all because I was STUPID). Yet he still worried about where I was going, who I talking to, how long I was going to want to be with him, etc.

 

Regarding wishing you could have communicated with him better, don't blame yourself, that is what your MM wants. They twist things to make it seem like we aren't making them happy enough. In reality, they just can't be happy enough, because they aren't happy within. Then they drag us down with them. They are selfish bas*&%rds. (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say that on here and if not, I apologize.) I destroyed my integrity (what little I had... I guess) and almost destroyed my marriage in order to be with one of those selfish controlling MM. WHY do we do this to ourselves??? I don't know, I got tired of it and woke up, and it sounds like you are too. So don't think it's your fault. If you had communicated better with MM, you would only feel more frustrated, because you had identified a way to make it better and tried your best, only to find that it still wasn't enough. I'm sorry to sound harsh but I doubt he cares if you have a sturdy relationship built on great communication. He just wants you to stay in an affair with him and cater to his F-ed up emotions.