Need strength to get away from him for a while to change his general attitude?

February 3, 2008

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My lover & I are both married and neither one of us have plans on divorcing. We have been together for 1 1/2 years. We both plan on continuing are relationship as it is forever (or as long as possible). We love each other and respect the mutual understanding we have for our marriages. We work together. We manage to be together on average 3x/week. Thats basically our back-story.

Currently my problem is we are having another stupid argument. He has a quick temper and gets angry at me easily over stupid things. He is the type of guy that will pull away and ignore me when he is mad. He also gets jealous of other men (not my husband though). I always in the past end up giving in to the stupid arguments because I love him and it's not worth it to me to be right. But this time he is very wrong and I didn't give in, but stood up for myself. I don't want to chase after him this time and beg him to stop ignoring me. I need advice on how I can be strong enough to leave him alone for a week or so and let him come to me. I know that if I can ignore him and play hard to get he will come around. It would be nice if for once he comes to me. I'm tired of looking like the one who is more in love because I am always begging him and looking pathetic. How do I find the strength to play it cool like he does? Help!

February 3, 2008

I understand what you are going through since I have the same issues. I held out calling the MM I was seeing for two days. I did it because I felt he was being very dishonest to me. It does hurt believe me but I had to take control of my emotions. I just gave myself a little affirmation and internalized it. Basically saying to my self, that I cannot control what he does and I only have control over me. So, since he acted as if I didn't matter, I just didn't return his calls. This was easy to do since I didn't see him, but once I seem him, I felt loss all over again.

Solution: Just internalize that you can be strong and not give in. Try it one day and see how things go. Do something that will keep you real busy. Like go out with friends, finish a project etc. I know this sounds menial, but give it a shot at least for a day and see how things go.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My lover & I are both married and neither one of us have plans on divorcing. We have been together for 1 1/2 years. We both plan on continuing are relationship as it is forever (or as long as possible). We love each other and respect the mutual understanding we have for our marriages. We work together. We manage to be together on average 3x/week. Thats basically our back-story.
Currently my problem is we are having another stupid argument. He has a quick temper and gets angry at me easily over stupid things. He is the type of guy that will pull away and ignore me when he is mad. He also gets jealous of other men (not my husband though). I always in the past end up giving in to the stupid arguments because I love him and it's not worth it to me to be right. But this time he is very wrong and I didn't give in, but stood up for myself. I don't want to chase after him this time and beg him to stop ignoring me. I need advice on how I can be strong enough to leave him alone for a week or
so
and let him come to me. I know that if I can ignore him and play hard to get he will come around. It would be nice if for once he comes to me. I'
m
tired of looking like the one who is more in love because I am always begging him and looking pathetic. How do I find the strength to play it cool like he does? Help!

February 3, 2008

But this time he is very wrong and I didn't give in, but stood up for myself.

Keep that in mind. When you feel weak and want to call him, remember how wrong he was, how you stood up for yourself and breathe yourself back into that angry space. When he apologises, let your anger ease away, but not before.

February 3, 2008

I'm so happy to have this forum to vent my frustrations. I think it will help me keep from divulging information to friends and family - which is dangerous for my A.

Is there anyone out there that can share a story of success with my current situation. Is there anyone that can give me hope that ignoring him for the next week or so will get the desired results? I think stories of success will help me stay strong. Remind me that men need space, but eventually will start to wonder why i'm being distant and will seek me out. Maybe some OM can remind me that he doesn't want to lose what we have over a silly argument.

February 3, 2008

He has the upper hand because you love him more than he loves you, and he knows this and exploits it. He treats you the way he does because he knows he can, and will continue to get away with it.

Will a little "hard to get" game fool him? Nah. He knows that all he has to do is call your bluff and simply let you go silent until you reach your breaking point and call him begging again.

The only way to win in a situation like this is to beat him at his own game. Unfortunately, that means dropping your emotional investment to the point where you could take him or leave him and then show through your actions that he is expendable. If you were to fall out of love with him, treat him like he is an option rather than a priority, and start to look for a more suitable affair partner he would fall all over himself to get you back. But... by then, you would truly not care. What would he be pursing? It would be flattering to hear that he would be pursuing you, but that isn't really what he would want back. He would want back the thing he treasures most in your 'relationship' and that is control.

He gets off on owning another man's wife and knowing he has the power to reduce her to begging on a whim. If you were to regain control and truly move on, he would simply replace you with someone else he could control.

I can't help but to wonder if he is totally passive with his wife, and that is why he wants a whipping woman to control, in order to feel that he has control over at least someone.

Not sure. All I know is that as long as you are his option and not his priority, and you allow yourself to remain this way you will never really have him eating out of your hand. You'll be too busy worrying about losing the ability to eat out of his.

I'm sure he knows this too.

February 3, 2008

He has the upper hand because you love him more than he loves you, and he knows this and exploits it. He treats you the way he does because he knows he can, and will continue to get away with it.

Oh my god that's such HUGE speculation based on absolutely nothing but self biassed....

Notanaddict:

My best friend's husband was EXACTLY like your man. When they were in their dating period early on in the relationship (first 2/3 years) he was very stubborn, it was his nature it was what he was used to doing with women and it was how it was going to be with my best friend. In time she trained him to come around and talk things out rather than pull away for her to always come after him but this took time and a lot of effort/restraint on her part. Today they are head over heels in love they have been married for two years have a 3mth old baby and 7 yrs into the relationship he is the ideal husband/man, they truly are a model couple, they have a very open channel of communication and he no longer retreives to sulk in a corner for days on end waiting for her to chase after him, when he slips back the odd time this she simply goes on with her things and he can't stand to stay away from her for long so he manages to come around on his own. They have a very strong bond that took a lot of trial and error an training on her part towards him She went through a period where she just sucked it up and would stand firm on not contacting him he eventually came around, and she said to him "this will never happen again, a fight is to be talked out and put to rest, if we want a healthy relationship otherwise there is not point being together" and so it was. Mind you they rarely fight.

I think your man is just spoiled in that he knows you will come after him jut be strong and stand your ground he will come around in no time, when he sees you are firm on not playing his childish game anymore he will come around. He needs to be retrained but eventually needs to understand that it's not healthy to be this way so it has to cost him his own happiness in order for him to understand.

February 3, 2008

Oh my god that's such HUGE speculation based on absolutely nothing but self biassed....

He is controlling, temperamental, jealous, and emotionally manipulative. She is reduced to begging him not to ignore her when he doesn't get his way. I don't see any indication that he loves her the same way or even close to the same amount that she loves him. That isn't speculation based on any personal experience of mine, its based entirely on her post and what she wrote about him.

I need advice on how I can be strong enough to leave him alone for a week or so and let him come to me. I know that if I can ignore him and play hard to get he will come around. It would be nice if for once he comes to me. I'm tired of looking like the one who is more in love because I am always begging him and looking pathetic.

A man who loves you does not reduce you down to having to post stuff like this. This is clearly an emotional mismatch. If she is reduced to begging for attention, and he dismisses her as easily as he does, then she loves him more than he loves her, and he loves having control over her. Nothing speculative about that.

February 3, 2008

A man who loves you does not reduce you down to having to post stuff like this. This is clearly an emotional mismatch. If she is reduced to begging for attention, and he dismisses her as easily as he does, then she loves him more than he loves her, and he loves having control over her. Nothing speculative about that.

That's a GROSS generalization.

As I already mentioned my best friend's husband was like this, they were very much in love but he was poorly trained and immature in this respect and very stubborn when in a fight. It took patience and time and he is a model partner a changed man, some men are trained to be childish in their actions if we were to write off every man who has immature tendencies we might as well all become lesbians.

If she had had this cut and dry attitude of dismissing him because it is to be interpreted as him not loving her they would have never grown to be as good as they are today and as I said they have a model relationship.

He loves her very much perhaps more inot her at one point than she was into him so he was very jealous and insecure at first and this is why he would act so stubbornly. Now they have a more "sane" relationship and he has calmed down immensely.

You have to work through things in relationships not write people off at the first sign of something that does not meet our needs and avoid thinking "he doesn't love me" just because he does something wrong , people who do that tend to have low self esteem.

Edited February 3, 2008 by Tomcat33

February 3, 2008

If she is reduced to begging for attention, and he dismisses her as easily as he does, then she loves him more than he loves her, and he loves having control over her. Nothing speculative about that.

No one reduces anyone to do anthing, if a person "reduces" themselves to do do something it is their doing, ie. responsibility.

February 3, 2008

Either way there is no happily ever after here. He's married, and treats her poorly. She's married, and has to beg him for attention when she stands up for herself and he dismisses her for doing so. I don't see anything approaching a happy ending here, or even any reason to suggest that there will be one. Only the continuation of a dysfunctional and emotionally mismatched affair between two married people who want to stay married for whatever reason.

February 3, 2008

Either way there is no happily ever after here. He's married, and treats her poorly. She's married, and has to beg him for attention when she stands up for herself and he dismisses her for doing so. I don't see anything approaching a happy ending here, or even any reason to suggest that there will be one. Only the continuation of a dysfunctional and emotionally mismatched affair between two married people who want to stay married for whatever reason.

That's irrelevant to the thread topic.

February 3, 2008

How so TC? It's LB's observation, and has to do with the OP's situation. Just because you may disagree with what LB has said, and that's okay, doesn't mean that she's offtopic to the thread topic, not one bit..

February 3, 2008

How so TC? It's LB's observation, and has to do with the OP's situation. Just because you may disagree with what LB has said, and that's okay, doesn't mean that she's offtopic to the thread topic, not one bit..

The question was:

How do I find the strength to play it cool like he does? Help!

Nowhere in the opening post does is state anywhere:

Speculate on whether this man loves me or not or if we will have a happily ever after, or is my affair a mismatch or should we end because we are maried? She has already made it clear she DOES NOT WANT TO END it. Why people insisit on making every single thread about "YOU MUST END IT NOW, you are married" really baffles me. For once I personally would like to enter into a thread topic and have it actually be ON TOPIC and not about how the affair is wrong and it has to end.

Notanaddict has asked for help on how to deal with a man who retracts when he is in a fight and she needs to know how to deal with that without caving in all the time. That was the simple question.

All the rest is added criticism that is neither here nor there.

February 3, 2008

Oh good grief TC...So the OP got abit more info than she bargained for! Does it really matter that LB slightly went offtopic to the original question asked?

February 3, 2008

Oh good grief TC...So the OP got abit more info than she bargained for! Does it really matter that LB slightly went offtopic to the original question asked?

Yes it does. That was not the question. I am done, I made my point and I wish to stay on topic so let it go.

So Notanaddict bottom line is YES YOU CAN have some of that control back, stay strong and let him come around this time, he has just as much at stake to lose here than you do so even if takes you weeks to get him to come around he will come around because he needs the relationship as much as you need it. Think of it this way he will come back twice as ready to bargain because you've shaken his ground, so stay strong and do not cave. He needs to learn to talk things through and unfotunately with men, nagging and asking for things repeatedly gets you NOWHERE, actions do.

When you feel the urge to contact him come here and we will whip you back into shape.

February 3, 2008

I have stopped contacting the guy that I have been involved with for almost 8 years. He is not a married man, but he has treated me much the same way that you describe, Notanaddict. The way that I finally decided that I had enough was through a lot of self-examination. I decided that his disappearing was crap and I wasn't going to take it anymore. I decided that I wanted better. With that decision, I also had to accept that he may never contact me again. I can live with it. He was so cold and callous to me that it made my blood boil. I made a list of all the stuff that he has done over the years, and it keeps me from contacting him. I made him mad shortly after Christmas because he disappeared for a week and didn't even call me on Christmas Day. He reacted with anger and could have cared less if I was hurt by it.

I used to be in agony when he went a week without calling me. Now, I think that I have been disappointed so many times, that it doesn't matter anymore.

I have thought more than once that dating him must be similar to dating a married man. I think that he has another life going on that he hides from me. I just don't know what it is and I don't want to find out.

I don't have any problem attracting other men, I have just been stuck on this one. NO MORE!

February 3, 2008

Today was the first time in my life I have ever posted to any forum anywhere. I'm fascinated that my problem sparked such a debate! TomCat - thank you so much for your support and advice. I was looking for some support to stay strong. But at the same time, LB's comment shook me. There is some truth there because his wife does treat him horribly - bordering on verbal abuse (mental abuse?). We have some mutual friends that witness this. In public she calls him stupid and calls him names. She also withholds sex (for 6 months at a time) and refuses to sleep in the same bed with him. If he comes to "her" room she says "what the F do you want?". I agree that he throws tantrums with me because he has no control at all at home. He is very immature when it comes to arguments. But I do not think that because he has control issues it means he does not love me as much as I believe he does.

This thread was about how to stay strong. I do believe that the right thing for me to do is withdraw for now in order to regain some control.

Could some experienced members teach me something: If I have a question not related to my original thread do I keep replying here or should I always start a new thread?

Thanks

February 3, 2008

Could some experienced members teach me something: If I have a question not related to my original thread do I keep replying here or should I always start a new thread?

If it has to do with your situation and what's on your mind, then it all ties in with this thread of yours. I don't know for sure, but you can use the contact us link and ask the admins/mods, maybe they know the answer to your question.

I agree that he throws tantrums with me because he has no control at all at home.

He is in control with you. He calls the shots, not you. At home, it's the other way around.

February 3, 2008

This thread was about how to stay strong. I do believe that the right thing for me to do is withdraw for now in order to regain some control.

Detach abit, distract yourself and surround yourself with loving friends and family. Somehow you need to retrain your brain, get out of the habit of thinking of him, having him in your daily life. Join a gym, pick up a new sport, exercise, focus on a hobby that you love to do, but haven't in a while. Replace your restlessness with something that benefits you. Also, pamper yourself. Spa day with a girlfriend, or your sister...That would be fun.

February 3, 2008

So is there no hope of a more equal footing in this relationship? Here is a couple more facts, not sure if they paint a fuller picture:

I am educated (MBA), he is not.

My position in the company is exponentially higher than his, in fact, he reports to me (but not always directly). and my salary doubles his.

He stays married because they have a child.

I believe I am much more physically attractive than him, he himself says this. But I am really not into looks when it comes to men, it is all about how I feel when I am with them. We have incredible chemistry (sexually and otherwise). We spend hours just talking and being with each other.

His wife makes more money than him and has a masters degree. She takes his paychecks from him.

He is a black man - i am white.

I am in love with him and want to make this work (not marry him or have either one of us divorce). What I want is to continue to have the relationship we have only with better communication and less control issues.

Does anyone think this is possible?

February 4, 2008

No, I don't, but I am biased.

February 4, 2008

So is there no hope of a more equal footing in this relationship? Here is a couple more facts, not sure if they paint a fuller picture:
I am educated (MBA), he is not.
My position in the company is exponentially higher than his, in fact, he reports to me (but not always directly). and my salary doubles his.
He stays married because they have a child.
I believe I am much more physically attractive than him, he himself says this. But I am really not into looks when it comes to men, it is all about how I feel when I am with them. We have incredible chemistry (sexually and otherwise). We spend hours just talking and being with each other.
His wife makes more money than him and has a masters degree. She takes his paychecks from him.
He is a black man - i am white.

I am in love with him and want to make this work (not marry him or have either one of us divorce). What I want is to continue to have the relationship we have only with better communication and less control issues.

Does anyone think this is possible?

Without knowing this about your situation this is exactly what I sensed earlier, he is threatened by you or feels insecure which is why he pulls these power trips on you (that is what they are). This is why I did not see that it was due to lack of love on his part, it is more due to lack of self esteem. When a man feels threatened he will pull stunts like the ones your man is pulling. You are prettier, more successful, and have higher education, potentially all things that could lead you to trade him in for bigger and better.

Furthermore I really don't think he acts all that differently at home with his wife, people are pretty much the same from relationship to relationship and they tend to follow the same negative patterns so do keep that in mind when he tells you at home things are a certain way. I have a feeling he pulls temper tantrums with his W too. She prob doesn't take his sh11t and is used to it and wont chase after him, while you on the other hand do because you want to be with him so you feed in to his power trips, it is also insecure people's ways of getting reassurance, if you chase after him if shows him you still care and he still has you under his grip.

Lastly it is no conicidence that both the women in his life earn more than him and are successful. See the patterns? What makes you think he acts any differently with her? She may reject him but clearly he does not kiss her azz otherwise you would not be in the picture. It's his nature it is what he is used to doing and that is EXACTLY how my best friend's husband was.

The thing is that unlike my best friend's situatution your situation is conducive to mistrust and insecurities so it is really hard to build trust in an affair or to reassure a partner.

Edited February 4, 2008 by Tomcat33

February 4, 2008

She prob doesn't take his sh11t and is used to it and wont chase after him, while you on the other hand do because you want to be with him so you feed in to his power trips, it is also insecure people's ways of getting reassurance, if you chase after him if shows him you still care and he still has you under his grip.

You are dead on. I'm sure of it.

Tomcat, I appreciate your help. These are things that I know already, but sometimes its easier to think otherwise. I guess deep down I know I've fallen for an insecure and somewhat immature man. It's helpful to hear someone else confirm it. But at this moment I'm just not ready to give up. I'm still hopeful that I can guide him into better communication. If he loves me as much as I believe he does I think he would be open to working on the problem.

Does anyone have experience in helping an insecure person become a better partner?

February 4, 2008

In public she calls him stupid and calls him names. She also withholds sex (for 6 months at a time) and refuses to sleep in the same bed with him. If he comes to "her" room she says "what the F do you want?".

OMG, why are some people sooooo nasty?! What causes a person to treat someone they supposedly love that way? Or to treat anyone that way? I don't get it!

February 4, 2008

Does anyone have experience in helping an insecure person become a better partner?

They have to want to work on what makes them feel insecure, and they have to want to be a better partner. What you do to help is to support them in their work. If he does not want to change, then there is nothing you can do.

From the additional information you posted, it is no wonder he is the way he is. It sounds like the only person he feels he can exert any control over is you. Unfortunately, if you try to do something to change that role to balance things out emotionally you may find that he will not like that. Changing means losing control. I'm not certain he would be willing to give that up.

If he loves you, then that is all well and good - but sometimes love is not enough. Without respect, understanding, and a willingness to compromise and work as equals in a partnership - love is just another four letter word.

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Need strength to get away from him for a while to change his general attitude?

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