What are the rules for dating a single father?

[SamanthaX]

I am 31 and have recently started dating a 40 yo single father with an 8 year old daughter. He has been divorced for 6 years and has primary custody of the child (which tells you a lot about the guy and his ex). I am the first girl he has really "dated" seriously since his divorce. He is well-educated, has a good job, and is just an overall amazing person (and friend). The mother has remarried and has a newborn. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating. When we met, I was in a relationship and he was going through a custody battle. Because of his divorce, he was slow to trust anyone and open up. But, as our friendship grew, we became very close and now have a very strong foundation since we took things slow. Since we were friends first, his daughter got to know me well so avoided the whole "this is my new girlfriend" introduction. Something I have found is one of the common worries single parents face. We spend plenty of alone time together (he makes plenty of time for me with lunches, wknds and holidays when she is with the mother, etc.) and I actually find the fact that he has so much devotion and love for his daughter appealing.

 

Because I care deeply for him and his daughter, I just want to make sure I do things right when it comes to showing affection in front of her (e.g. what is appropriate), how I spend time with him and his daughter, my relationship with her, being flexible with his schedule, etc. I am lucky that we have such a good friendship, because we talk openly about my concerns (and his), but I'd still like to get any input from you single dads out there on what kind of characteristics you look for in an "ideal girlfriend."

 

Another concern of mine is whether or not he'd like to have more kids and get remarried. When we were just friends, we'd discussed it and he said he'd like to but things are different now that we have started dating and I would like to make sure he does without scaring him away. I would be thrilled to have his daughter as a step-daughter, but I would like to also have my own child/children in the future. As much as I care about him, this is is very important to me and is not something I'd like to give up no matter how wonderful the man and connection are. As I said, he said he would like to before, but he seems exhausted all the time and I wonder if he really has the energy (and resources) involved in dealing with a newborn.

 

Thanks for your advice.

Edited February 3, 2008 by SamanthaX

[dreamergrl]

How does the daughter view you right now? Are you "dad's girlfriend" "friend"?

Obviously I'm not a single dad, but I am a step daughter and have been since I was four... I can tell you what causes confliction and happiness in that role.

[SamanthaX]

I would really appreciate your view as well. Thanks for responding. She views me as a friend of her and her father's. We have not told her we are dating because it is new even though we (her father and I) have established it is a serious monogamous relationship. She always asks him to spend time with me and likes me a lot. If I have not seen her in a while (e.g. because of the xmas holidays), she will get on the phone and ask me when she is going to see me again. He tells me that she is always talking about me and telss him how much she likes me. When we are hanging out, she is always at my side and we have had *some* alone time together (e.g. I'll take her for mani/pedi or we'll cook together). I just don't want to ever have her think I am trying to replace her mother because she loves her mother very much. It is a fine line I am toeing.

Edited February 3, 2008 by SamanthaX

[dreamergrl]

It sounds like your on a great start to be honest. The best step parent/child relationship I've had (and I've had 3 - two from my mom and one from my dad) is one knowing that I'm just as important as my parent. It's so important for the child to feel included and loved. When my father remarried, my step mom wanted nothing to do with me - and my every other weekends got knocked down to every other Saturday - and eventually dinner once a week.

Given that this man has primary custody - I hardly picture that as an issue, as well as your wonderful outlook on the situation. The more the three of you spend time together, she'll start putting two and two together and realize that you are together - but that's not to say not to have that talk some day. I'd keep doing as you are, and when it is time for that talk, just let her know your not her new mommy - but you love her just as much. Having a bond with her will ease the transition greatly!

 

Seriously though - I really think your on the right path for making it a sound relationship for all three of you!

 

As far as wanting your own kids - I'd take that one step at a time too. He may not feel as worn out when you become more and more involved in the home life.

 

I hope some of this helps!

[Politico]

There are no rules because every relationship is unique. You're off to a good start since his daughter obviously cares for you. Just continue to make sure that she never sees you as pushing her out of or taking over her father's life. He must be shared and she had him first. That doesn't put you in second place by any means. It's simply a matter of how she'll perceive things.

 

As for additional children and energy, don't forget that he took on a lot in his divorce, first-and-foremost, the primary responsibility for a young child. While 40 isn't old by any means, it is a consideration when contemplating starting what would in essence be a second family a few years hence. I was 42 when my last daughter was born and 60 when she graduated from high school and became a legal adult. While her mother and I divorced when she was five and the ex had custody, I know that I didn't have the energy and stamina as she was growing up that I did as her siblings were growing up.

 

There are also financial considerations that begin at about his age. You start confronting your mortality and looking towards retirement. The age of adulthood for your children is only one factor to consider. What about the costs of rearing another child, college education, possibly weddings in the future, etc.?

 

Just some things to think about that he may think about too and talk about because they need to be addressed.

[SamanthaX]

Thanks for the advice. I talked to him and he does want to have more children and get married again. Communication is still open and honest. Things are going amazingly well.

 

I guess my only remaining concern is finances. He has a very good job (practices law), but pays for everything when it comes to his kid because the mother does not have anything. I make a good living too (actually make a lot more than him) so I am not worried about him paying for my expenses--something I think attracted him to me in the first place. We have nice nights out but he never pays for me. I don't need him to, but I guess I am just old-fashioned and feel it would be nice if he did occasionally.

 

I would choose a his love and friendship any day over him paying for a meal, but there is a part of me that sees the prospect of romantic gestures, vacations, etc. going down the drain. I just want him to be able to hold his own re: my lifestyle (which is very similar except the way we travel) and the occasional gift. I don't want to get into the pattern of paying for things all the time just so we can enjoy trips, etc.

 

How do I deal?

Edited February 13, 2008 by SamanthaX

[melodymatters]

Ooh, everything sounded so great until the..he never pays for anything part. I have had both rich and porr boyfriends, but even the poor ones would pitch in what little they had for our evening or whatever.

 

It seems even raising one child alone ( I do that and i'm not an attorney) he should have some money left over to buy his GF dinner here and there.

 

I have no problem admitting I am a little old fashioned and like to be treated a bit, especially at first, within the guys means of course.

 

Hmm....NEVER offers to pay ???

[SamanthaX]

I didn't mean to imply that he never pays for anything. He does buy me lunch, drinks, movies, pays for groceries when I am cooking, always brings something (like flowers or wine) over when he comes to my house for dinner. We were friends before so we always went dutch and I think we have just gotten into the habit. I know he is planning a whole night out for us this vday which he intends to pay for. But, my concern is more with his disposable income. I know there will be no romantic trips to Paris or elaborate gifts (something I enjoy giving as well as receiving) in our future because of his expenses in rearing a child. Like I said, it is not that important to me if I have someone special like him, but I just want to know if this is a common issue with single fathers and how I handle since I am pretty traditional girl.

[sunshinegirl]

If communication is open and honest, you should be able to talk about the money issue, your respective priorities on how to spend, and spend on each other, etc.

 

Does he pay alimony?

[melodymatters]

I didn't mean to imply that he never pays for anything. He does buy me lunch, drinks, movies, pays for groceries when I am cooking, always brings something (like flowers or wine) over when he comes to my house for dinner. We were friends before so we always went dutch and I think we have just gotten into the habit. I know he is planning a whole night out for us this vday which he intends to pay for. But, my concern is more with his disposable income. I know there will be no romantic trips to Paris or elaborate gifts (something I enjoy giving as well as receiving) in our future because of his expenses in rearing a child. Like I said, it is not that important to me if I have someone special like him, but I just want to know if this is a common issue with single fathers and how I handle since I am pretty traditional girl.

 

 

Well, it very well may be the case. I dated a single father with full custody and money was never the issue but free time was. THAT was what bothered me the most ; nothing could ever be spontaneous, no trips unless the included the kids and were over a school break.

 

In the end, everything is a compromise, so only you know how well you can deal with the built in limitations.

 

Personally I don't belive there is a right or wrong in this case, just what works for YOU.

[sunshinegirl]

What do you think lunch, drinks, movies, flowers, wine are if not disposable income expenses?

 

If you make "a lot more than him", why don't you sock away your disposable income to fund the travel you want to do with him?

[sunshinegirl]

For what it's worth, my boyfriend is a single dad and I make quite a bit more than him. We don't keep tabs on who's spending what; my guess is that we contribute pretty evenly to our entertainment expenses (he takes me to dinner one night; I treat him another night). Though one time he did mention that he felt he was paying for a lot of stuff, so for the next few times I paid. And I have used my miles to get him plane tickets to travel with me, and sometimes I pay the whole hotel bill.

[SamanthaX]

Sunshine: he does not pay alimony. And, my concern re: travel was that he would not be able to pay his own way. I would pay for myself, of course.

 

I am just trying to look at all possible angles so I am realistic about the relationship and educating myself about all potential obstacles. It is just a concern since dating a single dad is totally new to me. I guess it is just going to be a wait and see proposition. But, everything is really going well and I consider myself very, very lucky to have him in my life.

 

Thanks to everyone for their input.

Edited February 14, 2008 by SamanthaX

[sunshinegirl]

Sunshine: he does not pay alimony. And, my concern re: travel was that he would not be able to pay his own way. I would pay for myself, of course.

 

I am just trying to look at all possible angles so I am realistic about the relationship and educating myself about all potential obstacles. It is just a concern since dating a single dad is totally new to me. I guess it is just going to be a wait and see proposition. But, everything is really going well and I consider myself very, very lucky to have him in my life.

 

Thanks to everyone for their input.

 

I think part of considering all angles is asking yourself if you would be willing to foot the bill for his plane tickets. Especially if travel is more of a priority for you than for him.

 

If you already earn more than him, and you don't have a child, you have more disposable income than he does. Period. It would be a curiosity to me if your old fashioned tendencies prevented you from sharing that disposable income with him.

[older_no_wiser]

Samantha,

 

I am totally with you on the old fashioned "ideal" that one might secretly want. I do too. If you are having this niggling doubt now, to my mind this is the thing that could turn into a HUGE niggle further down the line and I suggest you get fully to grips with it now.

 

You want children. What happens then? Will YOU buy bigger gifts for your own children than he is able to buy for HIS daughter? Will you throw money into the family "pot" and treat all children the same? Would you resent that, if his daughter ended up getting more from you so that your joint child/ren could get the level of gift you want them to have?

 

Will you resent him if you can't give up work for time with your child? Who will pay for holidays when you become a family? To get the type of travel you want/are used to, would you end up subbing you, your children, him and HIS child for the family to go away? Could you deal with that happily or would it become a wedge between you? If the two of you got married and were making wills, would you secretly want YOUR children to get a bigger share of your assets than his daughter?

 

These are the things that can be very, very annoying and button-pushing when you try and put single parents together with somebody new. I don't have answers. But many, many questions - as a single mum who has had a long term relationship with a single dad.

 

There is a site for "blended families" that might help. Do serious research and think about it carefully. But good luck. I wish my daughters' dad's girlfriend had been even remotely like you in considering our children.