tinkerboy Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 hi all. i have been following this forum on and off, but haven't really posted. here's my story. i have been married for 4 years now. two years into the marriage, things hasn't been going really well. to cut a long story short, stbxh promised to change and look for a job, but hasn't really been able to fulfill his obligations. and to add to that, there has been some episodes of emotional affairs that he's had, and the trust has been shattered. but that's not the reason i'm writing. two years into the marriage, i met this guy at work, and he has been great. i then decided to finally end the marriage (after a while of contemplation even before meeting this guy). things were (and still is) great between this new person and i. i have told my stbxh about the situation, and resolved the matter leading to an amicable divorce. by mutual consent. the problems really started when the new guy voiced out his concern and later, frustration that my xh was still staying at my place. i have spoken to him a few times already about him moving out, that he has to, but each time he tell me that he will find a place, give him some time, and i don't have the heart to just throw him out. i think the real problem with the new guy is that he's beginning to feel the pressure after almost 2 years the xh is still living in the same house. i've finally sat down to talk to him (finalising the divorce soon, in a month's time) and told him once again that he has to move out, and he says that he has no place to stay, and he begs me to just let him stay there. he will only be in late after i've gone to bed, and will leave the house way before i get up. that way, there is no interaction at all. as i said, i just can't throw him out of the house. and he can't find a place because he has got debts to repay and only recently started working again. we did have a few fights, my current guy and i, regarding this issue, and each time it is regarding this issue, of my xh not moving out. each time i speak to him, he says to give him more time. that he's working on something, but then it just stays that way. i am in such a stressful state right now. i understand that my current guy has been under stress, but can't he just understands me? its not that i've not tried to get him out. i have spoken to him, but in the end, i can't do anything about the situation. i love this current guy of mine, and we're great together, but i can tell that he has been under pressure lately, and sometimes he's a bit distant to me. tell me, what can i do ? why can't my guy be a little bit more patient with me ?
kalena9488 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 You have given you r stbxh plenty of time to find a place to stay. Sounds to me like he is manipulating you and just making your life harder. It's time for you to force him to move out even if that means having him physically removed. Both of you decided to move on quite a while ago so, I wouldn't think their is any room for reconciliation in this marriage. If you do have a good think going with this other man why would you want to screw that up for your STBXH?
Author tinkerboy Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 i have tried to ask him to move out before, but its not easy for me just to ask him to move since he has no where to go. there has been good times as well in the marriage, so i can;t get get him to leave. what do you think i can do ? i know its unfair to my new guy, but i don't really know what to think now.
kalena9488 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 You are only making excuses for keeping him in the house. He is a grown man and can find somewhere to go if you force him to. He is using you and the situation to his advantage. If the two of you are in fact over and you have given him 2 years to get his act together and move on and he still can't that is his problem. You need to move on with your life. Sounds to me like it's time for some tough love. Let someone else care for him for a while. Sorry if I seem harsh but this is the truth from an unbiased person.
Author tinkerboy Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 hi. thank you for your opinion. i just feel that i am just doing a good deed that i allow him to stay, but at the same time i feel so pressured and so much tension that the new guy is unhappy with my decision. i just want the new guy to understand that there is nothing going on between the stbxh (divorce settlement in court in less than a month's time) but still, sometimes i pity the new guy as well as i pity my xh that he has no where to go. i'm in such a wrack now. how do i get through this ?
NuChance Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 hi. thank you for your opinion. i just feel that i am just doing a good deed that i allow him to stay, but at the same time i feel so pressured and so much tension that the new guy is unhappy with my decision. i just want the new guy to understand that there is nothing going on between the stbxh (divorce settlement in court in less than a month's time) but still, sometimes i pity the new guy as well as i pity my xh that he has no where to go. i'm in such a wrack now. how do i get through this ? Why don't you move out and find a new place of your own?
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