OtherMan speaks

[padder83]

heya gang! i hope your all doin good! ok where do i start, i am 12months into an A and i am the OM. its been emotionally very difficult but ive learned loads about myself along the way and as ive never been married, i know about it now and have open coversations about their M & its ups n downs,... ive read some of the old threads so ill try not go over the same ground for those of you who have posted before.

 

i have had a few reationships prior to this but nothing very serious, my main love/interest was music but a few years ago i came away from it and havent found something to replace it. I went away traveling and then began working in IT then i came home,

 

i met this MW on a nite out shortly after i came home and we had a fling, fireworks went off and we stayed together, here i am 12months down the road, i know all there is to know about hiding and meeting at nite&tryin to make it work in whatever deformed way an A can....

 

but i do care a lot for this person and she feels the same, alas its jus that she couldnt leave her H, as he would be 'devastated'...(and i do understand what she means, im needy and im not even married, i can imagine what a husband is like!no offence!)

 

its worth pointing out that she dosent wear her ring and she dosent stay at home always...& shes the breadwinner, hes at home mostly.

 

i dont expect her to leave him but part of me wants to know whats goin on? is this how women have felt for hundreds of years when they were mens mistress's?

 

part of me feels like this is a phase, part of me feels like im being voyeristic looking into a married life which is on the rocks and wondering how this could happen, and another big part of me is mad about this person and would like to see them happy....

 

im wondering if ye folks think i should jus cut my losses as im 12years younger maybe im at a different place in my life& im hopein that i can get involved in Writing which is what i feel will take over the void which giving up music has left.

 

its more of a career ambition, tryin to find work which i want to do for my life and i guess shes been through all that already and gettin married so she can kinda help me at times....

 

dont get me wrong, this R is not without real caring and love& sacrifice on both sides, its just after a year i dont think im goin to get anywhere, id reely like to see her be single for a while but she confessed herself she finds it scary to be alone, i can be alone but i need a passion to get into and thats why i hope to write.....what i mean is am i using her as much as she me?

 

how long do some women have to wait for their MM to sort their $H1t out??? years?

 

i know it mite sound a bit crazy but we are actually well matched, im a mature guy and shes a teenage 30somthing!

----------

[OWoman]

Padder I'd say enjoy what there is to enjoy in your A, but don't expect it to go anywhere. When you stop enjoying it, or when the bad starts to outweigh the good, then cut your losses and move on. From the info you give, this woman doesn't seem to be working towards a future with you - you refer to her as a "teenage 30something" and describe her staying out of pity with a stay-at-home H that she's supporting. It seems a mature relationship of equals is not on her agenda, and that's her choice. If you're happy with what she's offering you then it could work for as long as that's what you both want, but I suspect by your posting here that that's not what you're after.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I aint gonna encourage you to do anything. But I will give you what I think.

 

I think what your doing is being a scumbag. So he's a stay at home husband because she's the breadwinner. so that makes him less invaluable as a man?

 

Is that what your saying, or are you just saying bad stuff about him to justify what your doing?

 

How do you know the truth of what is really happening. What if he has a college degree but chooses to stay home with the kids.

 

What happens when he finds out and confront you?

 

Where's your self respect as a man? Where's your self respect for other's in situations and compassion for others.

 

You say youve never been married, and you wonder why?

 

Karma's a bitch, you'll see! lol.

[padder83]

chrome ive read your other posts on other threads and i know you jus want to get an argument goin, but im not goin there,

 

this place is supposes to be about understanding & constructive insights.

 

as far as i can see you have not provided much of either.

[Chrome Barracuda]

chrome ive read your other posts on other threads and i know you jus want to get an argument goin, but im not goin there,

 

this place is supposes to be about understanding & constructive insights.

 

as far as i can see you have not provided much of either.

 

 

I aint trying to bait you into an arguement. just trying to get you to see the other side of the fence so to speak.

 

You have read my other posts so you know that what I say usually contains words of truth.

 

Understanding is one thing but what your doing is wrong plain and simple, is that what you want me to understand?

 

Tell me what would happen if her husband found out the truth and confronted you? Would you fight? or run? Is she worth fighting for?

 

Is this woman really worth what your doing? Are you able to handle the consequences of your actions whatever they may be?

 

I think you can find single women out there for your choosing.

 

Let's be real I aint never gonna sugar coat my words or my thoughts for you or anyone else.

 

It is what it is.

 

Good luck to you.

[Woggle]

People here say I am hard on OW but I am even harder on OM because I feel they are stabbing men in the back. I wish men would make a collective pledge not to give married women looking to cheat the time of day because any of us could easily be in the BS position.

[Chrome Barracuda]

People here say I am hard on OW but I am even harder on OM because I feel they are stabbing men in the back. I wish men would make a collective pledge not to give married women looking to cheat the time of day because any of us could easily be in the BS position.

 

Bros before hoes my friend but apparently he didnt get the memo.

[padder83]

much more constructive chrome, yea i agree all those things go thru my head & there are feelings involved for everyone. its not an easy situation. take care

[LucreziaBorgia]

whats goin on?

 

There is very little constructive advice one can give in a situation with such a destructive outcome for yourself. I say this stuff not as a cynic, but as a former cheat who went through plenty of guys just like yourself, and left not more than a few angry and heartbroken.

 

Honestly? You are the young beautiful dreamer type who provides a welcome respite from the monotony of her homelife. You relieve emotional and sexual boredom. You aren't meant to be more than that for her.

 

You will wait, and wait, and wait and one day you will want her to choose, and then you will wait some more and your heart will simply atrophy to the point where you feel you need to choose and you will. You will limp way, hurt and confused and she will simply go on contentedly married like she planned to do all along. That's how it usually goes anyway.

 

I could be constructive and suggest ways to sway things in your direction, but there really isn't anything you can do to make a married woman leave a marriage that she has made clear she doesn't want to leave.

 

All you can do is either accept your limited arrangement or leave it.

[padder83]

thanks for the insights, im wondering what you meant by 'me swinging things in my direction' do u mean play hard to get or somting simular?

[whichwayisup]

Do they have children?

 

its worth pointing out that she dosent wear her ring and she dosent stay at home always...& shes the breadwinner, hes at home mostly.

 

If they have kids, this could be the reason why he is at home.

And, maybe she just doesn't wear around you.....I doubt very much she has it off at home.

 

Whatever their problems are in their marriage is both of their faults, but I'm sure she's made it out that he is the bad guy and has exaggerated things...Not malciously, but selfishly. I mean, she isn't going to tell you anything that won't serve her in a good way.

 

How long do you want to be the OM? Because the longer you stay in her life this way, nothing will change. She is enjoying having you on the side and a house to live in, her lifestyle and husband at home. I know you don't want to believe anything negative about her as you love her, but if you're able to take a step back and pretend this is your bestfriend going through what you're going through..What advice would you give him? She has no reason to change anything, unless you tell her goodbye until she leaves her husband. Go no contact. Why would she want to give one of you up when she can have two men meeting all her needs?

[jaslene2009]

Hi Padder,

 

I understand just how you feel. I am the OW and I am married therefore he is the OM. I really care about my husband but have been pushed away by things that he has done to me. He has never had an A but he can be demanding and judgemental. So, I went out and found someone who doesn't judge. At least that is what I thought I was doing. Me and the OM have been seeing each other for three months now. We have told each other that we Love each other. Lately, I have been having mixed feelings about our relationship.

 

He has two kids and I have three. Deep inside, I don't want him to leave his kids because I don't want the drama in my life. Is he worth the drama? I am not sure and really don't want to find out. However, I have just been too emotional over the past couple of months. Sometimes I am sad if I don't see him or if we don't talk. I really want space between us because he is not leaving and I don't plan on leaving my H for him. We enjoy each other, but I need more than just the talk about kids and the job.

 

Well, last week we did not talk for two days and I was doing that to distant myself from him. I thought I needed to start somewhere. It was hard but I did it. On the third day I answered his call and it started all over again. His W is out of town for a week and I have been to his house. I really did not want to go since I did not think I would feel comfortable there. We did what grown ups do and I fell all over again. I really don't want him to leave his family, but what do I want? I am confused as H*LL and don't know how or what to do about our situation.

 

Solution: I thought if I stayed busy, it would distract me from thinking about him most of the time and as time went on I would not need him as much. To sum it all up, I understand your feelings. However, you have to do what is best for you. Hanging on to someone that is with someone else can be a serious thing. Especially, once the A becomes serious and feelings, and emotions get involved. Take sometime and think about what you want in the long run. What ever that is, you need to follow it and maybe, just maybe you get what you want.

 

heya gang! i hope your all doin good! ok where do i start, i am 12months into an A and i am the

OM

. its been emotionally very difficult but ive learned loads about myself along the way and as ive never been married, i know about it now and have open coversations about their

M

& its ups n downs,... ive read some of the

old

threads

so

ill try not go over the same ground for those of you who have posted before.

 

i have had a few reationships prior to this but nothing very serious, my main love/interest was music but a few years ago i came away from it and havent found something to replace it. I went away traveling and then began working in IT then i came home,

 

i met this

MW

on a nite out shortly after i came home and we had a fling, fireworks went off and we stayed together, here i am 12months down the road, i know all there is to know about hiding and meeting at nite&tryin to make it work in whatever deformed way an A can....

 

but i do care a lot for this person and she feels the same, alas its jus that she couldnt leave her

H

, as he would be 'devastated'...(and i do understand what she means,

im

needy and

im

not even married, i can imagine what a husband is like!no offence!)

 

its worth pointing out that she dosent wear her ring and she dosent stay at home always...& shes the breadwinner, hes at home mostly.

 

i dont expect her to leave him but part of me wants to know whats goin on? is this how women have felt for hundreds of years when they were mens mistress's?

 

part of me feels like this is a phase, part of me feels like

im

being voyeristic looking into a married life which is on the rocks and wondering how this could happen, and another big part of me is mad about this person and would like to see them happy....

 

im

wondering if ye folks think i should jus cut my losses as

im

12years younger maybe

im

at a different place in my life&

im

hopein that i can get involved in Writing which is what i feel will take over the void which giving up music has left.

 

its more of a career ambition, tryin to find work which i want to do for my life and i guess shes been through all that already and gettin married

so

she can kinda help me at times....

 

dont get me wrong, this

R

is not without real caring and love& sacrifice on both sides, its just after a year i dont think

im

goin to get anywhere, id reely like to see her be single for a while but she confessed herself she finds it scary to be alone, i can be alone but i need a passion to get into and thats why i hope to write.....what i mean is am i using her as much as she me?

 

how long do some women have to wait for their

MM

to sort their $H1t out??? years?

 

i know it mite sound a bit crazy but we are actually well matched,

im

a mature guy and shes a teenage 30somthing!

----------

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

thanks for the insights, im wondering what you meant by 'me swinging things in my direction' do u mean play hard to get or somting simular?

 

The only way to knock her off the fence and try to get her to fall down on your side is to simply walk away. Tell her you love her, but that you cannot be with her while she is married. Let her know that as long as she is married, you will have no contact with her of any sort. No calls, no emails, no visits, no texts, nada. You want to up the ante? Tell her that you are going to be looking for that special woman to share your life, and she simply can't be that woman while she is married so you will have to look elsewhere. If she wants you, she has to show you finalized divorce papers, and a lease on her new place.

 

Then... and this is crucial - you have to follow through. You have to draw every ounce of strength you have and walk away. If you give, even a tiny inch - you will have lost. She will see that your threats are empty and she can safely continue to keep you in your place while staying married.

 

If you do this, understand this: it will be like taking a lifelong smoker's last cigarette at the height of a stressful situation. Like the desperate smoker, she will climb glass shard embedded walls naked to get that fix, if it is that important to her. She will make her choice only when forced, and by removing yourself with no option to reach you unless she is divorced, you will be forcing her to choose.

 

If she wants to be with you, she will. But... she has to be divorced and show proof of such, and has to be living in her own place away from her husband. If you accept any less than that, that is all you will get: Less.

 

One last thing. When you knock someone off the fence, they don't always land on your side. Its a gamble. This is the only way to do it though. Your ability to make her choose is only as strong as your ability to truly and irrevocably walk away.

 

She will either let you walk, or she will follow.

 

So what will you do? Risk nothing and continue to be OM until she tires of you, or risk it all on the chance that she might just follow through?

 

Tough one, that. I don't envy you in your position. You get what you settle for. Do you want to settle for what you get, or do you want to fight for what you want?

[BetrayedMM]

There is something I really can't wrap my mind around. This isn't a question of values either, ironically, values are completely separate from this:

 

How is it that it's sufficient and satisfactory to share a woman with another man this way?

[padder83]

firstly, i appriciate all the replies, i know its not a great position to be in so i can understand peoples mixed emotions that may be directed towards me.

to reply to the last post, it isint aceptable to share some1 (from what im told, they are not an intimate couple, but one must assume it happens from time to time) these things start out as fun but can develop into somting more serious and 'Guys' as much as we say we may want no-strings relationship is onlt after being seriously intimate with a person then the situation you taught u could end at any minute or that you could walk away with no quams is more difficult, very difficult.

to be honest its a joke of a situation i find myself in, had u asked me would i be in this a year ago id have said 'hell No!' , by nature im a pretty decent guy, i think it was jus not thinking about it let the feelings develop beyond what they should have.

thanks ladys for those wise words and to the lady in the simular position maybe we can talk more at some point, im only new to here so i dont know if we have mail on this or I.m,

i do feel the end of the line (hey thats a traveling whilburys number!) comming but its not someting that hasnt be toiled in my mind, glad to have this opportunity to be able to share this with yiz even if it is a bit 'jerry springer' lol

cheers , P

[Politico]

this place is supposes to be about understanding & constructive insights.

 

Some things just can't be "understood" for those on the receiving end of infidelity and betrayal. For you to suppose otherwise is delusional.

 

What "constructive insights" do you expect? Do you think MM who have wandering wives should provide you with new and innovative ways to go behind their backs and likely expose them to the possibility of STDs via their wives?

 

Honesty isn't always a bad thing, you know, even for those seemingly incapable of it themselves. So here's mine! If it was my wife you were messing with and I caught you/her, first of all I wouldn't consider you a true man at all. Secondly, I'd let you have the now tainted piece of drek I was married to. Finally, I might just relieve my anger, disgust and upset at the betrayal by taking a ballpeen hammer to your kneecaps!

 

Now that's HONEST and insightful!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Padder

 

I don't consider you a coward or any of the other things you may have read. I feel you are looking for love, attention and affection and found it in a woman whom is married and confused.

 

I know women well and I believe that her marriage is a matter of time before it falls apart. Men usually do a bit better than women when it comes to living in a bad situation. Women can't accept the "down days" as men can.

 

She will leave her husband but there is no telling when or how.

 

Do you truly love her? What are her reasons for being with you? Does she love you? Try to make every time you can be together a reality? Are things really good between the two of you?

 

Maybe answering these questions will help you determine what you have.

[Cobra_X30]

chrome ive read your other posts on other threads and i know you jus want to get an argument goin, but im not goin there,

 

this place is supposes to be about understanding & constructive insights.

 

as far as i can see you have not provided much of either.

 

Well, I'm not as harsh as Chrome is... but honestly... in my opinion your being a jerk!

 

I'm sure you think your so much better than her H. But your not.

 

Do the right thing! Break it off and tell her H what's been going on.

 

I don't consider you a coward or any of the other things you may have read. I feel you are looking for love, attention and affection and found it in a woman whom is married and confused.

 

And that makes it right?

 

I know women well and I believe that her marriage is a matter of time before it falls apart. Men usually do a bit better than women when it comes to living in a bad situation. Women can't accept the "down days" as men can.

 

Not a good generalization, because any worthwhile man or woman can take 'the down days'. It's the losers and the cowards who can't.

 

She will leave her husband but there is no telling when or how.

 

I doubt it. Since she is the primary breadwinner... she wont want to pay alimony. So she will cheat and stay. Same reason most guys do the same!

 

Unless the H is truely a bad man... then she may leave.

[Woggle]

I am not trying to insult you and put you down but if a woman an betray the man she is with right now she will easily betray you. The truth hurts but if you listen to people like Chrome and I life should be a whole lot better.

[nellstar]

Padder

 

I don't consider you a coward or any of the other things you may have read. I feel you are looking for love, attention and affection and found it in a woman whom is married and confused.

 

I know women well and I believe that her marriage is a matter of time before it falls apart. Men usually do a bit better than women when it comes to living in a bad situation. Women can't accept the "down days" as men can.

 

She will leave her husband but there is no telling when or how.

 

Do you truly love her? What are her reasons for being with you? Does she love you? Try to make every time you can be together a reality? Are things really good between the two of you?

 

Maybe answering these questions will help you determine what you have.

 

BEB has really good points here. You might want to take note, OP.

 

I am not trying to insult you and put you down but if a woman an betray the man she is with right now she will easily betray you. The truth hurts but if you listen to people like Chrome and I life should be a whole lot better.

 

:lmao: Coming from a man who's thinking of leaving his W who isn't even cheating on him.

[Woggle]

 

:lmao: Coming from a man who's thinking of leaving his W who isn't even cheating on him.

 

I had a relapse but I can admit that I have a problem. When you look at women today you can't blame me for doubting my wife sometimes but it is not fair to judge her for the actions of other women.

[Pyro]

heya gang! i hope your all doin good! ok where do i start, i am 12months into an A and i am the OM. its been emotionally very difficult but ive learned loads about myself along the way and as ive never been married, i know about it now and have open coversations about their M & its ups n downs,... ive read some of the old threads so ill try not go over the same ground for those of you who have posted before.

 

i have had a few reationships prior to this but nothing very serious, my main love/interest was music but a few years ago i came away from it and havent found something to replace it. I went away traveling and then began working in IT then i came home,

 

i met this MW on a nite out shortly after i came home and we had a fling, fireworks went off and we stayed together, here i am 12months down the road, i know all there is to know about hiding and meeting at nite&tryin to make it work in whatever deformed way an A can....

 

but i do care a lot for this person and she feels the same, alas its jus that she couldnt leave her H, as he would be 'devastated'...(and i do understand what she means, im needy and im not even married, i can imagine what a husband is like!no offence!)

 

its worth pointing out that she dosent wear her ring and she dosent stay at home always...& shes the breadwinner, hes at home mostly.

 

i dont expect her to leave him but part of me wants to know whats goin on? is this how women have felt for hundreds of years when they were mens mistress's?

 

part of me feels like this is a phase, part of me feels like im being voyeristic looking into a married life which is on the rocks and wondering how this could happen, and another big part of me is mad about this person and would like to see them happy....

 

im wondering if ye folks think i should jus cut my losses as im 12years younger maybe im at a different place in my life& im hopein that i can get involved in Writing which is what i feel will take over the void which giving up music has left.

 

its more of a career ambition, tryin to find work which i want to do for my life and i guess shes been through all that already and gettin married so she can kinda help me at times....

 

dont get me wrong, this R is not without real caring and love& sacrifice on both sides, its just after a year i dont think im goin to get anywhere, id reely like to see her be single for a while but she confessed herself she finds it scary to be alone, i can be alone but i need a passion to get into and thats why i hope to write.....what i mean is am i using her as much as she me?

 

how long do some women have to wait for their MM to sort their $H1t out??? years?

 

i know it mite sound a bit crazy but we are actually well matched, im a mature guy and shes a teenage 30somthing!

----------

 

If you don't expect anything serious to come out of this, then why not just go after someone who doesn't have kids (assuming that they have children) or who is already taken?

 

That is too much drama to deal with and speaking from a guys POV, if the husband were to find out, he may let his emotions get the best of him and go after you or something. Just play it safe and cut your losses.

 

People here say I am hard on OW but I am even harder on OM because I feel they are stabbing men in the back. I wish men would make a collective pledge not to give married women looking to cheat the time of day because any of us could easily be in the BS position.

 

Why would you be harder on one and not the other? They both are doing the same thing.

 

I am not trying to insult you and put you down but if a woman an betray the man she is with right now she will easily betray you. The truth hurts but if you listen to people like Chrome and I life should be a whole lot better.

 

So you believe once a cheater always a cheater? You don't believe that people are capable of change? That does explain alot about you.

 

No offense but if everyone thought like you and CB, this place would be overflooded with people.

 

I had a relapse but I can admit that I have a problem. When you look at women today you can't blame me for doubting my wife sometimes but it is not fair to judge her for the actions of other women.

 

Just look at all the guys on here who are married or who are in a LTR. I don't see bitterness in their eyes. Of course there are those on the other side of the fence, but my point is that it is possible to look past the unfortunate stories of some and concentrate on your own life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So you believe once a cheater always a cheater? You don't believe that people are capable of change? That does explain alot about you.

 

No offense but if everyone thought like you and CB, this place would be overflooded with people.

C'mon guy you know there's alot of lurkers that read what we write that do agree with what me and gunny and wog has to say deep inside them. They know it's wrong.

 

All we do is just have different method's of deploying the truth.

 

And yes once a cheater most of the damn time always a cheaters. There is a such thing of a serial cheater, pathological liar, compulsive liar, sex addict. ETC, Anyway's affairs are very addictive, they bring out alot of chemicals that mess of the mind to where your no coherent of your actions.

 

Now that being said, cheating is a choice. And yet it can become an addiction at the same time such as smoking cigarettes.

 

I dont come here to bash people, I'm offering a dose of reality, harsh as it is, it needs to be said...

 

Am I wrong?

[Pyro]

C'mon guy you know there's alot of lurkers that read what we write that do agree with what me and gunny and wog has to say deep inside them. They know it's wrong.

 

All we do is just have different method's of deploying the truth.

 

And yes once a cheater most of the damn time always a cheaters. There is a such thing of a serial cheater, pathological liar, compulsive liar, sex addict. ETC, Anyway's affairs are very addictive, they bring out alot of chemicals that mess of the mind to where your no coherent of your actions.

 

Now that being said, cheating is a choice. And yet it can become an addiction at the same time such as smoking cigarettes.

 

I dont come here to bash people, I'm offering a dose of reality, harsh as it is, it needs to be said...

 

Am I wrong?

 

I'm not arguing that there are some that agree.

 

Just remember that is your version of the truth. Your version is not the universal truth for everyone.

 

So now its most of the time and not all the time? Either way, you really don't know because you don't live every single persons life on here. You can only go by your experience and your experience is not the same as everyone elses on here.

 

Some people can change and not cheat again and some will not change.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm not arguing that there are some that agree.

 

Just remember that is your version of the truth. Your version is not the universal truth for everyone.

 

So now its most of the time and not all the time? Either way, you really don't know because you don't live every single persons life on here. You can only go by your experience and your experience is not the same as everyone elses on here.

 

Some people can change and not cheat again and some will not change.

 

Change isn't the point, and neither is your center of reference!

 

First, I think we can all agree that cheating hurts people and that intentionally hurting people is wrong. So... how do you make a moral relativist argument based on that? Hey, I don't have to murder someone to know that it's wrong!

 

Second, Cheating is a singular event. Thus if you cheat, you are therefore a cheater. Time only moves one direction, you can't go back and re-write history. So I am not exactly sure how you can argue that suddenly a person can no longer be a cheater once they have already done it.