purplebubbles Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, but my boyfriend doesn't seem to be listening to what I'm saying. EVER. I've grown used to him being a selfish person in general and am willing to compromise, somewhat but I'm unsure how to actually get through to him, that I NEED him to listen to me and take me seriously, for this to go forward. This issue stems back to when we were in an online only relationship, and had issues scheduling times when it was appropriate with the time difference to talk. It'd often be me making the sacrifices instead of him. At the time I made it clear that I wasn't going to forsake my everyday life to maintain contact with him, and a year later & visits & a plan to move to be closer to him in May have all happened since that time. Today we were talking and I said that I was sick of everybody assuming themselves on me. I was supposed to go shoe shopping for work shoes today, but my friends dragged me to look at display houses instead. I made it clear that it seems that my interests aren't being made important in these friendships and it is bothering me. He asked me a while ago, if I would like to go on an interstate trip with him, to attend a convention that he would like to go to, but said that he didn't know if he'd still go if I wasn't interested. It's a long weekend, a three day convention. I said yes, and I thought we'd plan it together. But, instead he said to me yesterday that he had bought our passes, had booked our hotel room and had considered which flights we would be taking. He thought it was a great surprise and I didn't say anything. Today, after the conversation about my friends assuming things, he told me that he had been thinking about my Birthday present and wanted to get me something that was directly related to his interests, as he wanted to show me what he liked. Well, god damn, what about what *I* want for my birthday? Anyway. How do I get him to listen, before I pull out my hair?
Geishawhelk Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 You stop being a doormat, and learn to say no and mean it. Both to him and your friends. because people treat you the way you let them treat you. If you make allowances and leave gaps, people will take the lead and fill the gap. You can't in all honesty keep moaning about something if all you're actually doing is complying with someone else's wishes. You do have a choice, you know. you are at perfect liberty to stand up and say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not prepared to do that...." Every choice you make will work against you, if you make it against your will and be compliant to others. You need to stand up for yourself. I understand you feel downtrodden, but that happens, if we give others the impression we're a push-over.... Sorry to sound harsh, but i think it's time you woke up to the fact that people do this to you because you let them.
Nemo Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, but my boyfriend doesn't seem to be listening to what I'm saying. EVER. Wow... are you really from Australia? That is so cool. Do you live near the beach, or anything?
Geishawhelk Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Nemo...I wondered..."WTF....?" Then.... I got it. :D Mean. Sneaky. You bad thing, you.
Storyrider Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Nemo...I wondered..."WTF....?" Then.... I got it. :D Mean. Sneaky. You bad thing, you. Girlfriend deafness is an art that takes years to perfect. After that one can apply it liberally and at will.
Geishawhelk Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Sorry... Don't know if you're M or F... Are you speaking from experience - from whichever side?
Author purplebubbles Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Wow that was a pretty harsh reply, but I probably do deserve such a response. In reply to that, though - How do you say that somebody shouldn't have done something such as book a hotel room, book flights and buy tickets, when they THOUGHT that they were surprising you with something great. He even asked me if I thought that he had done well. I guess I just think it would have been something great to share with him. But, there is a point where you should just be grateful and say thank you to such a guesture, right? It does frustrate me though, because I don't think he honestly *thinks* about what he is doing as such, and it's a theme that keeps cropping up. I think when I get angry at him, I think he just thinks that I will get over it and there is no possible way that I would want to, or consider leaving the relationship. That bothers me. As for the friends - look sometimes we do things because we owe people a favour. If you can't bitch to your s/o about it, who do you bitch to? Nemo - Yeah - I live in Australia and yep it's near the beach! It's our summer here so it's beautiful!
Storyrider Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 This thread needs a communications expert.
Geishawhelk Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Wow that was a pretty harsh reply, but I probably do deserve such a response. In reply to that, though - How do you say that somebody shouldn't have done something such as book a hotel room, book flights and buy tickets, when they THOUGHT that they were surprising you with something great. He even asked me if I thought that he had done well. I guess I just think it would have been something great to share with him. But, there is a point where you should just be grateful and say thank you to such a guesture, right? It does frustrate me though, because I don't think he honestly *thinks* about what he is doing as such, and it's a theme that keeps cropping up. I think when I get angry at him, I think he just thinks that I will get over it and there is no possible way that I would want to, or consider leaving the relationship. That bothers me. As for the friends - look sometimes we do things because we owe people a favour. If you can't bitch to your s/o about it, who do you bitch to? *Communications expert speaking* ( ) I'm sorry.... what are you complaining about then? You asked for feedback, I gave it to you. Punchy, yes, but somethimes, i gets through.... But then you come back with justifications and what-have-yous.... The bottom line is that now you have established a perceived role for yourself in the eyes of others, changing tack is going to be hard for you to do, and difficult for them to accept. They have gotten so used to your being compliant and 'submissive' that trying to now make changes down the line will be challenging, to say the least. They take for granted that you will react in a specific way because they are going on past experience. Good luck!
TMichaels Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 (edited) ...my boyfriend doesn't seem to be listening to what I'm saying. EVER... I NEED him to listen to me and take me seriously, for this to go forward. Today we were talking... I was supposed to go shoe shopping for work shoes today, but my friends dragged me to look at display houses instead. I made it clear [to him] that it seems that my interests aren't being made important in these friendships and it is bothering me. He asked me a while ago, if I would like to go on an interstate trip with him... I said yes, and I thought we'd plan it together. But, instead he said to me yesterday that he had bought our passes, had booked our hotel room and had considered which flights we would be taking. He thought it was a great surprise and I didn't say anything. Today... he told me that he had been thinking about my Birthday present and wanted to get me something that was directly related to his interests, as he wanted to show me what he liked. Well, god damn, what about what *I* want for my birthday? Anyway. How do I get him to listen, before I pull out my hair? purplebubbles, You may have think you've been making it clear what it is you want or expect, but I would be willing to bet your b/f would be surprised to hear it. Guys are pretty literal. When you talked to him about how annoyed you get when your friends ignore your wishes or plans -- what he hears is that you're talking about your friends -- NOT HIM. When he asked if you'd be interested in going along on his weekend work/convention trip, YOU ASSUMED that the two of you would be planning it together. My guess is that because it was his work-related trip, and you said nothing, it never occured to him that you wanted to or would be hurt if you didn't have a hand in the planning. As far as your birthday present goes, I admit, on the surface, his comment seems a little odd, however, I think what we're talking about here is a semantics problem. You say he said he wants to buy you something "that reflects his interests and what he likes." To you that may sound like he's going to buy you a rugby shirt. Perhaps... But, just as easily he may be saying: "I want to get you something that conveys how special you are to me." All that aside. Be honest. Does it really matter what he gets you for your birthday? My guess is that it wouldn't be much of a big deal at all if you weren't feeling like no one is listening to you. So what to do about it? Well, as OPs have pointed out, you get as good as you give. You may know perfectly well what you want, think or do, but other people can't be mind readers, and you shouldn't get upset with them when they aren't. If you want your b/f to understand what behavior is desired or unacceptable, then don't tell him stories about how your friends' behavior upset you and expect him to come to the conclusion that 2 + 2 = 4. When the occasion arises, tell him/others what you think or would like to do. If you're not 100% sure of what you'd like to think or do when the subject comes up, say that -- to signal that the discussion is still open, instead of giving the impression that you don't care what happens either way. I think when I get angry at him, I think he just thinks that I will get over it and there is no possible way that I would want to, or consider leaving the relationship. That bothers me. Again, does you b/f understand how important an issue this is to you? Have you discussed the issue directly instead of in a round-about way? I understand how difficult it is to bring this up and not appear to be ungrateful or the gesture unappreciated, however, if you don't make your unhappiness clear, it's going to eat away at your relationship. It's also not fair. As I said initially, I would be willing to bet, your b/f has no clue that this is as serious a concern to you as it is. From what you've posted, he loves you to bits, and I can't imagine he doesn't want you to happy in the relationship. So, before this festers any longer, sit down and discuss it. And, do it in such a way that he doesn't feel like all the special things he has been doing/has planned are "just crap" -- because I believe he's doing it from the heart, not in order to dominate you. Hope this helps, TMichaels Edited February 3, 2008 by TMichaels
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