Zolie Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Hope to God I do not give in and listen to his nonsense tomorrow. Well, if you do, don't beat yourself up over it. It may take time to wean yourself. If you do see him, just gently tell him you must protect yourself. Don't avoid him or be cool and heartless to him. He may be wrong in all of this, but he has feelings, and he will be confused if you switch things off like a light switch. Make sure he understands you are only doing what is best for YOU. Good luck...
bentnotbroken Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Well, I diagree WHICHWAYISUP, First all, most people don't get married for love in the first place. Think about it; if they were truely in love and loved their spouse they wouldn't cheat. Most people fall in love with the image and illusions of marriage. All of their friends are married or they want to have children or for financial gain. Therefore, there is room for him/her to love the other person because they don't really love their spouses. Their marriages are based on conditions. It is not based out of love. They don't leave because they are affraid of the shame and the quilt. They fear loosing their comfortable lives (good friends, family, assests). They don't want the children to hate them because they know the other parent will posion them children againist them. You were right! The MM or MW knows their spouse and that is why some stay. The raft is too great and they don't want to feel it. My opinion, is if the marriage is doomed , it is going to fall apart whether someone else is there or not. As far as communication goes: If the BW or BH would open up and listen, and be willing to compromise maybe these A's would not be happening. Wow, and affairs aren't based on image and illusion. So why do MOW stay with their bad marriages. We always hear that about how miserable the W are and how they will turn they kids against that runaround spouse. It is never they runaround spouse who does anything wrong in a marriage, or is just generally a butt. And all relationships are based on conditions. It is human nature. There is no thing as unconditional love. It is what should be there, but it isn't. Affairs are based on conditions. On secrecy, romance, sex, and the ability to maintain whatever it is you each believe you can't live without. Just so you know, just as we have been shown over and over again, not all op fit a cookie cutter, not all bs do either. Some of us actually did marry for love and believed in "in sickness & in health and forsaking all others as long as you both shall live". The sad part of this is the person I married didn't believe that and neglected to tell me.
Author It_Hurts Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 (edited) Ok here it is, my update. I stuck to my word and cancelled our lunch date. I explained that I would not see him until he had made some serious decisions. I told him I would not be having an affair with him (even though some may say I am having an emotional affair already). Before anyone says, “of course you are because his wife wouldn’t approve” – I know! We did have a phone conversation and he said he still wants to end his marriage and wants to be with me. I have asked how he plans to get to this stage. He ignored this question. He had better figure it out pretty quickly, as I am already drawing my own conclusions that it will never happen. Just wish he stopped all the bs and was honest and told me how it is. Don’t look like that is going to happen. Talk about how they string you along. It has only been 4 months but don’t they say if they don’t leave within the first 3 –6 months, they aren’t leaving ever? I am so pleased I have not had a physical affair with him because right now, I think I would be feeling extremely used and abused with his lack of decisions. I have wanted this guy for nearly 4 years and could so easily have had a physical relationship with him. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an angel, infact I have probably been worse than most with men but something has stopped me from getting that involved from day one. Do you think a MM would even think about leaving his wife for someone that he hasn’t been physical with? Not that it makes much different because I still ain’t going down that road. Just wondering out of curiosity. I am sounding very much that I don’t have feelings and this has been so easy for me, it hasn’t. I have had to harden my heart, take all your comments on board and protect myself with an iron rod, or is that just called having some spunk ;-) You don’t know how some of your comments have really affected me and once again, I thank you. I am sure I will be back with more problems and some down days and will welcome all your support. Right now, I am doing ok (I think). No, I am not, it does hurt. Edited February 4, 2008 by It_Hurts Easier to read
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Do you think a MM would even think about leaving his wife for someone that he hasn’t been physical with? Its not unheard of. I would think that the chances would be greater though if he were going to leave regardless of whether there was an OW in the picture. It doesn't sound like this is the case here, but stranger things have happened I guess.
Author It_Hurts Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 HELP he has been on the phone telling me he is leaving and has to talk to his wife and he can't see himself being there for the next 6 months. I lost it big time and told him the way he talks is like he will never make any firm decisions and I am done. He begged me not to do this to him and said he will sort it. Now he has made me feel like I am being unfair for being so impatient. If they have been so unhappy for so long, why will it take another 6 months. I am just not getting it but to be fair, I haven't walked in his shoes. We finished the conversation on bad terms, me shouting and him begging. Please talk some sense into me.
NoIDidn't Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 It Hurts He is definitely textbook and has read you like his palm. Stop agonizing over his claims. You are not being impatient, you are being true to yourself and your needs. He is turning this around on you and stop letting him do that. He is counting on you to cave in so he doesn't have to do anything other than come up with more convincing lies/rationalizations as to why he can't do anything for another month, or two, or thirty-six. This doesn't sound like much of a friendship. Sounds like more of a mutual attraction that you both decided could mascarade (sp?) as a friendship until a time like now. Now he figures you care so much for him, that you value his friendship so much that you will lay down and let him wipe his feet on you (considering you are probably already filled up with his *tears*). Try not answering the phone when he calls for a few days. Watch his begging change to angry accusations and name-calling when he doesn't get what he wants. You are not impatient, he is. He wants his emotional crutch now, and not later. Don't be that for him.
Author It_Hurts Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 Forgot to mention that he also said he had nowhere to go and hinted/suggested us living together. I said not. Do you think he is just trying to see how far he can push me or how much I want him? My head is a mess once again but he doesn't know that, thank god. I always thought it was a friendship but maybe you are right, it isn't really, if we hadn't been attracted to each other from day one, this wouldn't be happening now and we probably would not have been 'friends' in the first place.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 HELP he has been on the phone telling me he is leaving and has to talk to his wife and he can't see himself being there for the next 6 months. I lost it big time and told him the way he talks is like he will never make any firm decisions and I am done. He begged me not to do this to him and said he will sort it. If he really is going to leave his wife in 6 months it should be because he is leaving anyway, reguardless if you're there or not. Right? But, I take it he didn't have thoughts of leaving, ending his marriage before he met you. Stay strong and don't cave. You aren't doing anything to him, he's doing it to himself. Now he has made me feel like I am being unfair for being so impatient. If they have been so unhappy for so long, why will it take another 6 months. I am just not getting it but to be fair, I haven't walked in his shoes. We finished the conversation on bad terms, me shouting and him begging. Chances are, he hasn't been that unhappy...But, incase he actually has been, if they have kids then that takes time to sort out, let alone the $$ factor, the house, splitting everything up - And even then, he's going to need some alone time. He can't just end his marriage and hop straight into another relationship and start over. Well, he can, but he won't be ready. Forgot to mention that he also said he had nowhere to go and hinted/suggested us living together. I said not. Do you think he is just trying to see how far he can push me or how much I want him? My head is a mess once again but he doesn't know that, thank god. I always thought it was a friendship but maybe you are right, it isn't really, if we hadn't been attracted to each other from day one, this wouldn't be happening now and we probably would not have been 'friends' in the first place. Bull! He has family, and he has friends. He's playing the victim so don't fall for it.
Tame Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Hi guys this is my first post but I couldn't resist. It_Hurts, you have completely drawn me in to your saga in just the few minutes I've been on this site. I mean literally, it's only been a few minutes. You have come to the right place! You are getting some out of sight advice from people who have either been there and done that or are like me, someone who thought of going there and doing that and deciding against it. I swear to gawd all MM read a damned manual!! Your case is textbook. THis man knew you were game from the beginning and you mention 4 years like it's been a long time but guess what? MARRIED MEN HAVE NOTHING BUT TIME!!! Do you see how that works? It is not special that you two have built a friendship and the MM didn't rush you b/c there was no need to do so. He already has a family do you think he was pursuing you to make you his next wife? You make him feel special, you nurture him, you boost his ego and you keep your mouth shut about your relationship. HE has it made. Do not let this man continue to deceive you into thinking he is going to leave his W and start another relationship w/you. WHY? Because even if he leaves will you EVER in 10 million years trust a man who could be so deceiving and manipulative? Furthermore, you will NEVER be able to prove the things he is telling you about his wife are true so why believe him? You know, when you are in a real committed relationship you can verify if your BF's boss is ass or verify if your BF's mother is an alcoholic or verify if your BF's exGF is a crazy stalker. With a MM, you can't verify sh*t about his personal life, you have to take his word for it. What kind of relationship is that? Is he going to tell you the truth which is: I like having you around to stroke my ego but I love my home life and the time I spend playing with kids, visiting with inlaws and making love to my wife when you are not around. That is REALITY and you are waking up to it and I know my post is somewhat in your face but I want you to stay AWAKE and not allow him to lull you back into the fantasy world that so many women LOVE to play in. You are smart, strong and very wise, use those assets on someone who deserves it, not someone who belongs to someone else.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Welcome to LS Tame. Excellent post reply!
Tame Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Welcome to LS Tame. Excellent post reply! Thanks! My post was excellent? No honey, you got it going on. Keep up the good fight, you know what you are talking about.
OpenBook Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 Hi guys this is my first post but I couldn't resist. It_Hurts, you have completely drawn me in to your saga in just the few minutes I've been on this site. I mean literally, it's only been a few minutes. You have come to the right place! You are getting some out of sight advice from people who have either been there and done that or are like me, someone who thought of going there and doing that and deciding against it. I swear to gawd all MM read a damned manual!! Your case is textbook. THis man knew you were game from the beginning and you mention 4 years like it's been a long time but guess what? MARRIED MEN HAVE NOTHING BUT TIME!!! Do you see how that works? It is not special that you two have built a friendship and the MM didn't rush you b/c there was no need to do so. He already has a family do you think he was pursuing you to make you his next wife? You make him feel special, you nurture him, you boost his ego and you keep your mouth shut about your relationship. HE has it made. Do not let this man continue to deceive you into thinking he is going to leave his W and start another relationship w/you. WHY? Because even if he leaves will you EVER in 10 million years trust a man who could be so deceiving and manipulative? Furthermore, you will NEVER be able to prove the things he is telling you about his wife are true so why believe him? You know, when you are in a real committed relationship you can verify if your BF's boss is ass or verify if your BF's mother is an alcoholic or verify if your BF's exGF is a crazy stalker. With a MM, you can't verify sh*t about his personal life, you have to take his word for it. What kind of relationship is that? Is he going to tell you the truth which is: I like having you around to stroke my ego but I love my home life and the time I spend playing with kids, visiting with inlaws and making love to my wife when you are not around. That is REALITY and you are waking up to it and I know my post is somewhat in your face but I want you to stay AWAKE and not allow him to lull you back into the fantasy world that so many women LOVE to play in. You are smart, strong and very wise, use those assets on someone who deserves it, not someone who belongs to someone else. Tame, you're right on! This is really how most of them operate, huh... It really never struck home for me until I read your post, but you're absolutely right. My exMM and I were friends for 5 years before we became lovers. It was the exact same thing. And now I'm struggling to resist the temptation with another MM. And it's the exact same thing. You hit the nail on the head. They got nothing but time, and they love having their ego stroked. Thanks for posting! And welcome to LS, where we put the FUN back into DysFUNctional!!:D
Author It_Hurts Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Well you were exactly right. MM has turned from begging to anger when I saw him at work yesterday. I have decided no way, no more nonsense after the phone conversation earlier in the week. I did stop to talk to him and he seems angry with the world and he mentioned he has cancelled mc next week because there isn't any point bc it will never work. I didn't question him or say anything regarding his comment. Thought it was best to let him be full of self pity and if and I mean IF his marriage is so miserable that he refuses to continue MC that is his problem not mine. No more listening to HIS problems, HIS tales of woe. I am FREE. When I starting reading all the threads on this board, I really thought my MM was different to everyone elses. I am sure people are reading this and thinking theirs is too. All I have to say is HE ISN'T, wise up and get out before he does you any real damage. I will get over this, I will meet someone much better and so much more suitable than him. The feelings are a fantasy and when you think logically about being, dating or living with that man, once the feelings of your fantasy land disappear. Will you actually be suitable bc I know we won't be. What a song and dance he has lead me over the past 4 years and thanks to LS, I am WIDE AWAKE now.
Lyssa Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Good for you, It_Hurts!! I will get over this, I will meet someone much better and so much more suitable than him. The feelings are a fantasy and when you think logically about being, dating or living with that man, once the feelings of your fantasy land disappear. Will you actually be suitable bc I know we won't be. You will get over this and meet someone much better. All the best to you!!
Tame Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]That’s wonderful!! And revel in the fact that it’s somewhat easy on you now because he’s being a tool. But please stay strong when/if his mood swings the other way and starts trying to be nice and reel you back in, that’s when it gets tough. I am happy that you see the light and that you also advise others to let it go, that’s real talk. [/FONT][/COLOR]
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