I don't want to be the OW

[It_Hurts]

I have been lurking on these boards for a couple of weeks and would now really like your advice.

 

I have been friends for the past 4 years with a co-worker. 3 years ago he told me his wife was having an affair and he didn’t know what to do. I only told him he must sort it out with his wife. I didn’t feel it was my place to give him other advice as I felt I would have ulterior motivates because of the way I felt about him (I didn’t tell him this). He said he couldn’t leave because his children were his world. Our conversations over time got deeper and deeper and he started to suggest us having an affair. I declined every time as I felt he only wanted to become involved with me to “get back” at his wife.

 

During November 2007 we had our first kiss and I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I have never felt such emotions. He told me after that he also didn’t know what had hit him. We starting meeting for coffee and when we touched it was electric. Many conversations, emails and text messages later, he told me he had been in love with me for years and he was going to leave his wife. Not because of me but because he was so unhappy at home and had been for the last 6 years. He has been with his wife for 27 years.

 

I says he has never felt like this before and wants to spend the rest of his days with me. Fast forward a few weeks and he told his wife he was unhappy and wanted to leave but she told him, he would never see his children again etc. He didn’t leave her, I told him I could not go any further than we had already had and we must stop what we had started to enable his to fix his marriage. He has been to marriage counselling but he says it is not going to work.

 

He has now told me he needs to take his time as leaving after 27 years is not easy. I have said I will support him in whichever decision he makes but it is killing me. I really don’t know how to help him or even if I should.

 

There is obviously a lot more detail and feeling involved in my story but would hate to bore you with all the details. We have tried NC but we have been friends for so long, it is almost impossible. When we don’t contact each other, we always bump into each other at work.

 

Please feel free to ask any questions. I really am trying to do the right thing as I don’t want to feel I have been a homewrecker.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't going to leave his kids, that's the bottomline. He will try to make his marriage better, or just cope day to day for the sake of the kids.

 

Your best bet is either to try to find another job and completely go NC so you can heal and move on because if you keep a friendship, all that will do is keep the emotional part of the affair going and you'll never be free of him, free to love someone else in the future. You may miss an opportunity because of him! And, he ain't leaving his wife.

 

Even if he did leave his wife, could you ever trust him completely? Knowing that he is capable of cheating? You also only know one side of things between him and his wife, HIS side. I wouldn't take his word completely because he's lied to her, he more than likely has lied to you as well.

 

For your sake, his kids sake, and out of respect for marriage in general, let go and heal yourself.

[InvisibleGirl]

Its funny how similar a lot of these stories are. MM confides in a woman friend and she becomes a great friend listening to the problems he is having at home and he ends up falling in love and having an affair with her. But yet no matter how much he says he loves you he still says he cant leave her because of the kids....

 

 

Guess they are all made from the same mold.

[It_Hurts]

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

He said 3 years ago that he wouldn't leave his wife because of his children. But once he starting talking about leaving her now, he said his children were older and they would understand, he believes they are actually miserable with their parents arguing all the time. He has not used that as an excuse for not leaving.

 

Yes I could trust him. I trust everyone until they prove otherwise and I always feel if someone meets somebody better....they can go! I have never had trust or jealously issues.

 

It is not as easy as just letting go. I think about him almost every second of the day and he tells me the same. He has said he will not be able to mend his marriage and hints that he has no where to go. I do not believe it will do our relationship any favors by saying he can just walk into my house.

[whichwayisup]

But yet no matter how much he says he loves you he still says he cant leave her because of the kids....

 

That's because MM or MW who have issues and go outside of the marriage to discuss their personal stuff with an OW/OM, they are vunerable and primed up for an affair, conscious or not, the makings of it is all laid out.

 

It's possible when he says I love you, he meant it at that time, but once home and talking to his wife, those feelings of intimacy for his wife that were pushed away and buried, came up again and he realized he does truly love his wife, which is why he's able to turn off his feelings for the OW. Plus, you need to remember, they have a long history, children and a life built together...It's kind of odd to compare the love he feels/felt for his wife, for the OW in the heat of the moment. That's why most are able to walk away from the A and be stay in the marriage.

[Zolie]

I take it you are not married yourself?

 

I feel for you, sweetie. I wish I could tell you it will all be fine, but chances are, it won't. Your story is age old, and a million women have been through it - and have the battle scars to prove it.

 

Just keep your wits about you. He could be on either end of the spectrum: a serial cheater who is just out for a good time, or a man truly in a bad marriage who has found true love with you - or any where in between.

 

Either way, though, chances are he won't leave her. They all say this:

 

He has now told me he needs to take his time as leaving after 27 years is not easy.

Ok, not all of them say it. But, a large majority do. There are a million reasons why some folks in miserable marriages won't leave the marriage. Or maybe it's not such a miserable marriage after all, and he is just telling you that. Or maybe.... on and on and on....

 

Protect yourself. I know it will be hard, and I know you really need to find out for yourself, so I'm not going to tell you to stop seeing him. But I can almost guarantee that if you don't stop, this will end badly for you. And it hurts like a son of a gun. Trust me, I know. But, when you are ready to stand tall and walk away, you can and will survive.

 

BTW, this forum is not particularly OW/OM friendly, so be wary of hurtful remarks from those who have no understanding of these type of feelings. Some folks will offer opinions that may sound harsh, but are just trying to show you the truth. And others are going to try to shove their opinions, based on their limited understanding, down your throat, telling you that you are a vile person. Don't take those comments to heart.

[It_Hurts]

No, I am not married. I am single with a child.

 

I have listened to his problems for 4 years and we were not involved IN ANY WAY, apart from being good friends. I know we should not have over stepped the mark in November but we did and we were then honest with each other how we had both felt for years.

 

I told him to start marriage counselling which he has done but he says things have been too wrong for too long and he feels he can do not right at home.

 

I know what you are all saying, I have read everything I can on the subject, I am a strong person, I will NOT be messed about by any man but for once I don't know what to do for the best.

[White Flower]

Your username is so fitting for how most of us feel before, during, and after a A.

 

It was the hurt that allowed us to look at another person. Once with that person, it hurt that we couldn't have them to ourselves. And it certainly hurts when the A ends.

 

Children are certainly an important factor in our decision making process. I was begrudgingly staying in my M because I really thought my youngest couldn't handle a D. When she told me last Sunday that I should leave her father for my own happiness I cried with joy and flew to my lawyer's office the next day. My attorney has filed with the court and now it is only a matter of time.

 

They say that divorce will cause a man to feel like a failure and a women to feel strength through freedom. This is why I think so many OW are willing to end their M's and MM do not. If they do, they tend to spread stories about the exW and disparage her so that they don't look like "the failure." A stronger man doesn't worry about this, but they are few. One of the reasons we fell in love with them was because we saw their strength. Then we learned of their weakness with regard to how society sees them as divorced men and we become disappointed. If his W is seen as a good and decent woman chances are he's not going to look very good if he leaves her. It is disheartening that the man you love cannot put his needs first, and will likely suffer the rest of his life by 'doing the right thing.' His W will suffer, too, because she is not living the rest of her life with a man who is crazy about her.

[jaslene2009]

I hear that same line all the time. " I can't leave because of the Kids". In my case it doesn't matter if he does or not. Because it stupid to have an A and then say you can't leave your kids. If the

BW

finds out that the A is going on what do they think is going to happen right? If they cannot leave their children, than they should stay home deal with the issuse and quit seeking out A's. I agree with you, I don't believe that all man cannot be trusted after an A. I mean some women can make their homes a miserable place. Especially, when they are trying to control everything. It is not always the case that the

MM

is seeking a A because he is greedy. I agree, he should talk it out with his

W

before he cheats, but sometimes they are not trying to hear it.

 

Solution: I say give him the space to figure out what he needs. If his marriage is doomed, it will fall apart whether you are there or not. In the meantime, you should see other people. Because you don't want to put your life on hold for something that may not become a reality for you.

 

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

He said 3 years ago that he wouldn't leave his wife because of his children. But once he starting talking about leaving her now, he said his children were older and they would understand, he believes they are actually miserable with their parents arguing all the time. He has not used that as an excuse for not leaving.

 

Yes I could trust him. I trust everyone until they prove otherwise and I always feel if someone meets somebody better....they can go! I have never had trust or jealously issues.

 

It is not as easy as just letting go. I think about him almost every second of the day and he tells me the same. He has said he will not be able to mend his marriage and hints that he has no where to go. I do not believe it will do our relationship any favors by saying he can just walk into my house.

 

[jaslene2009]

Well, I diagree WHICHWAYISUP,

 

First all, most people don't get married for love in the first place. Think about it; if they were truely in love and loved their spouse they wouldn't cheat. Most people fall in love with the image and illusions of marriage. All of their friends are married or they want to have children or for financial gain. Therefore, there is room for him/her to love the other person because they don't really love their spouses. Their marriages are based on conditions. It is not based out of love. They don't leave because they are affraid of the shame and the quilt. They fear loosing their comfortable lives (good friends, family, assests). They don't want the children to hate them because they know the other parent will posion them children againist them.

 

You were right! The MM or MW knows their spouse and that is why some stay. The raft is too great and they don't want to feel it. My opinion, is if the marriage is doomed , it is going to fall apart whether someone else is there or not. As far as communication goes: If the BW or BH would open up and listen, and be willing to compromise maybe these A's would not be happening.

 

That's because

MM

or

MW

who have issues and go outside of the marriage to discuss their personal stuff with an

OW

/

OM

, they are vunerable and primed up for an affair, conscious or not, the makings of it is all laid out.

 

It's possible when he says I love you, he meant it at that time, but once home and talking to his wife, those feelings of intimacy for his wife that were pushed away and buried, came up again and he realized he does truly love his wife, which is why he's able to turn off his feelings for the

OW

. Plus, you need to remember, they have a long history, children and a life built together...It's kind of odd to compare the love he feels/felt for his wife, for the

OW

in the heat of the moment. That's why most are able to walk away from the A and be stay in the marriage.

 

[whichwayisup]

First all, most people don't get married for love in the first place. Think about it; if they were truely in love and loved their spouse they wouldn't cheat. Most people fall in love with the image and illusions of marriage. All of their friends are married or they want to have children or for financial gain. Therefore, there is room for him/her to love the other person because they don't really love their spouses. Their marriages are based on conditions. It is not based out of love. They don't leave because they are affraid of the shame and the quilt. They fear loosing their comfortable lives (good friends, family, assests). They don't want the children to hate them because they know the other parent will posion them children againist them.

We'll agree to disagree.

[child_of_isis]

First things first...this is how MM groom OW's, the old song and dance about the miserable W and M.

 

They start sucking the energy from OW with the poor poor pitiful me routine.

 

And does anyone even believe the old I'll never see my kids again line? It is soooo old and sooo tired. The judicial system doesn't ALLOW this. Mothers can end up contempt of court if they don't follow the judge's visitation orders.

 

It's all part of the poor poor pitiful me routine.

 

Textbook.

 

Of course it is killing you. These guys are psychic vampires, they suck the life force right out of you with their problems and moaning and groaning all of the time. Once he pukes up his problems, they become yours to 'fix'. Your post clearly demonstrates this.

 

Of course he loves you. He freely feeds off of your energy. Which gives him the strength to go home and lie some more. Sometimes even happily.

 

But...it is you who pay the price. Afterward, you feel depleted, in pain, fatigued, miserable.

 

Worried. Tense. Anxious. And why wouldn't you? You not only have your problems to deal with, but now you have his as well.

 

Cut him off until he gets his **** together. When he grows up enough to deal with his own problems like a man, tell him to look you up.

[It_Hurts]

Thanks again for taking the time and trouble to reply.

 

We had agreed not to have any physical contact, no hugging, no kissing, no holding of hands. Plus no flirty comments etc., until he sorted out his home life.

 

It is so difficult not to go back to what little physical contact we had but I know it is for the best.

 

Do you think I should even stop speaking to him about his problems and let him deal with all this by himself? He says he doesn't have anyone to speak to and his wife certainly isn't listening. He says he can't just walk out the door, don't know what other way there is. Jump out a window?

[Lizzie60]

He said that she said that he would never see his KIDS again... after 27 years of marriage I would think that the 'kids' are adults and can decide for themselves if they want to see their father again or not...

 

This sound very strange... I think he is lying as much as he's breathing... at first he wanted to get you so he told you what YOU WANTED to hear, all those nice words, the 'I love you's' etc... but then when he's confronted to the fact it a whole different story...

 

Typical... soooo typical....

 

I say : tell him to f*ck off.. you don't need a spineless guy in your life.

 

His 'kids'... yeah right .. how old are they anyway?

[It_Hurts]

His children are not adults, they are 11 and 9. That was only one part of what was said the night he decided to leave but I think she frightened the life out of him, telling him all the things that would and would not happen if he walked.

 

Please do bear in mind I have been good friends with this guy for 4 years and I don't feel I should just tell him to f*ck off.

[Lizzie60]

His children are not adults, they are 11 and 9. That was only one part of what was said the night he decided to leave but I think she frightened the life out of him, telling him all the things that would and would not happen if he walked.

 

Please do bear in mind I have been good friends with this guy for 4 years and I don't feel I should just tell him to f*ck off.

 

OK fair enough.. then just tell him that you will not be the OW.. simple.

[OWoman]

Please do bear in mind I have been good friends with this guy for 4 years and I don't feel I should just tell him to f*ck off.

 

IH I understand you'll have presented only a partial view here, but from what you've said it sounds like a pretty one-way friendship, with him telling you his problems and you counselling /advising / helping him through them. Exactly what are you getting from him?

[child_of_isis]

Bawahaa....

 

I detect a bit of spunk, there ;-)

 

Yes...let him deal with it. He got himself into this mess, let him get himself out.

 

The true test is this...when he starts puking on you about W or M....cut him off with..."that's your problem, not mine"...then redirect the conversation to something going on in your life.

 

....pay really really close attention to how he acts. Stop and watch. What does his body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. tell you? Does he feign interest? Ask a few nondescript questions or is he really really interested? Does he really really care? Does he brush you off?

 

Your gut will tell you the truth.

For god's sake, listen to it.

 

Do NOT allow him to lead you back to his favorite topic...which is him and his (perceived) misery, of course.

 

This will keep you strong. It will help keep the pain down. You will become more alert and aware of any emotional manipulation on his part.

 

He will either gain his own strength or eventually find another person to feed off of.

 

 

Do you think I should even stop speaking to him about his problems and let him deal with all this by himself? He says he doesn't have anyone to speak to and his wife certainly isn't listening. He says he can't just walk out the door, don't know what other way there is. Jump out a window?

[It_Hurts]

Actually OW after reading your question - I am not sure what I am getting from him at all. What a damn good point.

[child_of_isis]

Sure you do...just re-read your posts.

 

You are getting his negativity.

 

His emotional meltdowns.

 

His weaknesses.

 

His indecisiveness.

 

Everything he doesn't like about himself and his life, he gives to you.

 

 

It's like being a dumping station.

 

 

See how this works?

 

 

 

Actually OW after reading your question - I am not sure what I am getting from him at all. What a damn good point.

[whichwayisup]

you shouldn't be his support system. I'm sure he has friends or family to talk to, for him to open up and put his crap on you is unfair to you. It's one sided always and ALL about him.

 

What you are getting: high's when he makes you feel good. The rest of the time he makes you feel hurt and fed up. When the bad outweighs the good, especially in your situation, it's time to really sit and think what it is you want. Long term, not just in the heat of the moment, short term stuff...I mean, can you picture yourself in this situation for another 2 or so years??

[It_Hurts]

Do you know what?....I am so glad I posted here. I had arranged to see him tomorrow to help him sort out his head and help him sort out his "situation". That is certainly being cancelled.

 

He needs to do it for himself, by himself. I do feel quite mad now that I have "been there" so much, understanding his issues and problems. This is my life and his, is his (and his wife's).

 

Thank you all so much. Hope to God I do not give in and listen to his nonsense tomorrow.

[child_of_isis]

Yup! Definitely some spunk there ;-)

 

If you get weak just come to LS and chat with us.

 

We will pull you out of it.

Do you know what?....I am so glad I posted here. I had arranged to see him tomorrow to help him sort out his head and help him sort out his "situation". That is certainly being cancelled.

 

He needs to do it for himself, by himself. I do feel quite mad now that I have "been there" so much, understanding his issues and problems. This is my life and his, is his (and his wife's).

 

Thank you all so much. Hope to God I do not give in and listen to his nonsense tomorrow.

[It_Hurts]

Thanks again, really hope I won't be seeing you all tomorrow!

[InvisibleGirl]

Good for you if you're able to pull the plug just like that. I'm in a similar situation and we are so close that I find it far to difficult to walk away even though I know its a bad situation...