topend22 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 When you break up with a guy, and refuse to get back together with him for whatever reason, but you still will go out with him for dinner, hang out, be friends and so forth. What do you really want? Can you really look at him as just a friend if you truely loved him with all your heart? Is it really possible to for a woman to just not love someone anymore and be his friend? When i am with her, I want to jump her bones, and she says no, we are just frineds. How can she really feel this way? we used to love eachother so much. PLEASE HELP!!!
Frankie24 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I think you need some time away from her for your own sanity. Its ok you both going out but your wanting something she is not
crazy_grl Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 When you break up with a guy, and refuse to get back together with him for whatever reason, but you still will go out with him for dinner, hang out, be friends and so forth. What do you really want? Can you really look at him as just a friend if you truely loved him with all your heart? Is it really possible to for a woman to just not love someone anymore and be his friend? Yes. But I don't hang out with exes as friends anymore unless it's clear that there's no expectation on either of our parts, because I've learned from personal experience that doing otherwise can make things worse for both people... just like it's probably doing for you. And I agree with what Frankie said. You need time away from her.
Kamille Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I agree that you need time away for your own sanity. And the answer to your question is yes, some women, like me, are capable of having dinner with their ex without wanting to jump their bones. We like to stay friends with men we loved us one point because, believe it or not, what we miss the most about the relationship was the companionship and not the sex.
norajane Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Yes, women can feel that way sometimes. She might love and care about you, and she might enjoy your company, but she doesn't feel the chemistry anymore. Just like a man can want to jump a woman's bones without necessarily loving her.
kymberann Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 So true! Men and women come from different perspectives. Her still being friends with you could also be her way of letting go. Hang in there!
Kamille Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 So true! Men and women come from different perspectives. Her still being friends with you could also be her way of letting go. Hang in there! Ah yes! I'm guilty of that one. The break-up doesn't feel so horrible if you know he is still in your life. If you stay away she will have to face the fact that she is losing you. Otherwise, she doesn't.
sedgwick Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I've never been that way. I'm not callous or cruel enough. Of course, I'm also usually the one who gets dumped.
backspn Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Been there topend, about 4 years ago. From experience, stop contacting her and start to love yourself. You will thank yourself in the long run. Once you have no romantic feelings for this woman then you can hang out as friends.
oppath Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Yeah, but I doubt this woman will understand it. So many people do not understand that after a breakup, it may take months, if not years, before genuine friendship is possible. It's sad, because I think a lot of friendships do not occur, because someone pushes too early and it's misconstrued as false hope, etc. A lot of women on LS understand that it is best to not have much, if any contact, for a couple months after the breakup, but in real life, I've found they usually think "that's really stupid and immature. If you were mature about it, we could be friends." Um, no. Not until I am 100% over you and can look at you with no attraction or desire. "You're being mean. Why are you treating me so coldly?" Assert your boundaries. Tell her "it's too soon to be friends. It confuses me and is keeping me attached. Can we agree not to talk for two months? Let me heal some, and when I'm ready, if I feel we can be just friends, I will let you know, but I really need some space." In my experiences, however, the woman does not understand.
underpants Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Yeah, but I doubt this woman will understand it. So many people do not understand that after a breakup, it may take months, if not years, before genuine friendship is possible. It's sad, because I think a lot of friendships do not occur, because someone pushes too early and it's misconstrued as false hope, etc. A lot of women on LS understand that it is best to not have much, if any contact, for a couple months after the breakup, but in real life, I've found they usually think "that's really stupid and immature. If you were mature about it, we could be friends." Um, no. Not until I am 100% over you and can look at you with no attraction or desire. "You're being mean. Why are you treating me so coldly?" Assert your boundaries. Tell her "it's too soon to be friends. It confuses me and is keeping me attached. Can we agree not to talk for two months? Let me heal some, and when I'm ready, if I feel we can be just friends, I will let you know, but I really need some space." In my experiences, however, the woman does not understand. This is good advice. She broke up with you. As cruel as it may sound you do not owe her your friendship. Her motives could be many. Ranging from an ego boost, not having to deal with a severed loss, not feeling guilty about hurting you, back burner placement. Whether she is conscious of it or not. Where you have to get your head is that it is not about her motives anymore. That was her choice. Now it is about you and what is acceptable and not acceptable to you.
Author topend22 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Thanks for all the answers and support, the truth is that i really want her in my life. I feel like i lost the only woman i ever loved and if all i can get is a friendship, then i will take it. I know this is not the best for me, the last time we spoke was about 2 hours ago, she said "im going to a party and will not have my phone, so dont blow it up, good night" we were together for 2 years and both of us have never been in love like we have like our releationship. i am 33 she is 28. i know she has be on a fricken leash but i just cant help it...... mabye i should just never contact her again and have her think i fell off the face of the earth, it has always been me that has initiated contact, we have never gone more them 1 week without talking and we have been broken up for 8 months.....
oppath Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 toppend, there are middle grounds to never talking to her again. I know you'd probably feel pathetic saying "I'm still attached after 8 months" but again, it is about you. You are within your rights to talk to her and say "I can't be your friend right now. Can we agree not to talk for two months? I think the fact that I've always been your friend, never going more than a week without talking to you, hasn't allowed me to sever all my romantic ties. I think it's interfering with our friendship. I think it would be good for me to have a bit of space from you. This is not because of you, it is for me. Do you think you can not contact me for a couple months, and wait until I let you know I am ready?" You are allowed to ask that. If she is a friend, she will completely understand.
Author topend22 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Oppath, i have said those exact words to her a month ago, and this is what happened, i got to the 2 week mark, i was actually feeling pretty good, i started dating.....then....she sends me 6 texts in a row, quoting our love songs, saying she wants to give us a try but as only friends.... what do it do.... I wait 3 days, cant stand the thoughts racing through my mind and call her, we do the friend thing for 2 weeks and i am all over her with her reaction, stop, dont try and kiss mem and so on, we are just friends, so again, i told her the same thing again, i cant be friends with her, she says she respects that and she promises she will never talk to me again. Well, after hearing that, i lose it again and tell her i cant not have her in my life, she tells me to make up my mind. friends or not, she dosent really care eathier way. its like when i start to feel good about myself around the 2 week mark, she shows up again.....i want her to show up, i just want her to show up and say she wants me back.......
oppath Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Then you tell her "I want to be friends, but I need time to separate and heal before that is possible. This does not mean I am kicking you out of my life, what it means is right now, I am not ready to be just friends. I need some space first. Give me a couple of months. I fully intend to seek you out for friendship when I am ready." And if she does contact you, repeat "I know you are being friendly, but remember our agreement. I'm not ready. I will let you know when I am." Then just ignore her. Then, when you are ready, give her a call. You are risking your friendship with her, but is she really a friend if she won't give you the space to heal? You have to be willing to end the friendship for it to work. She needs to knock it off. You saying "I am not ready right now" does not mean "I will never be your friend." If she can't understand that, she is not your friend, and yes, you can live without her in your life.
fabulousgal Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 i just want her to show up and say she wants me back....... well tell her that then leave and do not talk to her until she can do that. she's playing you, whether to make herself less guilty or make sure you are there still...don't be a pawn, the only way you could get her back is to show strength and leave her!!!!!!!!!! she asked for it!
underpants Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Oppath, i have said those exact words to her a month ago, and this is what happened, i got to the 2 week mark, i was actually feeling pretty good, i started dating.....then....she sends me 6 texts in a row, quoting our love songs, saying she wants to give us a try but as only friends.... what do it do.... I wait 3 days, cant stand the thoughts racing through my mind and call her, we do the friend thing for 2 weeks and i am all over her with her reaction, stop, dont try and kiss mem and so on, we are just friends, so again, i told her the same thing again, i cant be friends with her, she says she respects that and she promises she will never talk to me again. Well, after hearing that, i lose it again and tell her i cant not have her in my life, she tells me to make up my mind. friends or not, she dosent really care eathier way. its like when i start to feel good about myself around the 2 week mark, she shows up again.....i want her to show up, i just want her to show up and say she wants me back....... I'm sorry. However, that crap makes me embarrassed to be a woman. She is playing you to feel better about herself. It is so ...shallow. I know I am not emotionally involved and am reading objectively but that is a game 101 high school b/s. You express you cannot be friends with her and she moves to the extreme stance of saying 'okay I will never talk to you again'. Classic and not really respectful. Honestly, she is not done with you. The 'make up your mind I don't care either way' line is a test....and you failed. She has you. I say you go cold turkey no contact on this chick. Let it go for a heck of a lot longer then 2 weeks. Months would be better. You might change your perspective on the situation. If you really do want her back. Then she really has to feel the loss whole heartedly. It is a hard thing to do if you care about someone. Yet it is a better approach then watching someone slip away a little at a time while you pine. If she texts you, (frankly I would ingnore it) but give yourself 1-2 response allowances in the next 2 months. "I want you back romantically, the choice it yours". Flip the script. Don't overdue this. Just let her know once (perferrable upon contact initiated by her) and wait for her to make a committed decision. No more playing with your heart. You deserve better then that. If not with her then someone else. It is okay to have integrity. Chicks dig it.
Kamille Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 she tells me to make up my mind. friends or not, she dosent really care eathier way. That sentence stands out Topends. How do you feel about her saying that?
Kamille Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm sorry. However, that crap makes me embarrassed to be a woman. Yup. If she texts you, (frankly I would ingnore it) but give yourself 1-2 response allowances in the next 2 months. "I want you back romantically, the choice it yours". Flip the script. Don't overdue this. Just let her know once (perferrable upon contact initiated by her) and wait for her to make a committed decision. No more playing with your heart. You deserve better then that. If not with her then someone else. It is okay to have integrity. Chicks dig it. I really like the flip the script advice.
oppath Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Haha. I did flip the script with my ex. that's why I am on LS. "I can't be your friend because I want a relationship with you. I can't be your friend until I can look at you with no attraction or desire, so please, do not contact me for a couple of months unless you want a relationship. I am unwilling to accept less than I what I want. I will seek you out if I reach a point where all I want is friendship, but right now, I want more, so being your friend will just prevent me from moving on. If you don't want to work on a relationship, please, give me the space I need to heal, and if you don't understand this request, call me, but do not use email, as perhaps the tone is too difficult to interpret." I get an email saying "I understand. Let me know when you are down to be friends with benefits." I take back what I said to the OP. Just ignore her. You've already reached out to her. If she was really your friend she'd (a) give you space and (b) not use the whole "make up your mind, friends or not" trick. That is manipulative. Think about it. If you hurt a woman, and she said "it will be too painful for me to be your friend right now,I'm really hurt" maybe you would contact her, but if you cared about her, you wouldn't pull that "if you can't be friends, you're just immature" crap. That's how she is acting. She's basically saying "you're not mature enough to just be friends, that is the problem" and it's a load of crap. If a woman asked me for space I would understand that it has nothing to do with me as a person, and I would give it to her.
Author topend22 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 I am going to do it, i am going to just cut it off with her, the last we left it was, we are friends and can call or go out once and awhile. should i say anything else to her at this point, or should i just go with getting on with my life. my only issue with her is this... i have always chased her, just the one and only the one time that we went 2 weeks without talking is when she sent the 6 text messages, otherwise, i have always been the one to initieate contact. I have to just be strong, it is so hard. I told her too, i said" i was doing good, i was moving on with my life, and you have to go and send me text messages with mixed singals and mess with my head" her response to me was " its ok for you to call me and text me whenever you want to tell me how much you love me and you want me back, but when i text you ONE time i just ruiened your life, give me a break" she really pisses me off ,as i write this stuff, i really get mad at her for toying with my head.
underpants Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Trust me. It will screw with her head more if you just go silent on her. That whole line about 'hey don't blow up my phone while I am partying'. OMG. That would have been it for me. Let her stew in her choice, for a good long time. If she contacts you then ignore the first few attempts. Oh, this will be fun.
Author topend22 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Got it, keep a link to this post, its going to be a true experiment. I have not sent her a text since she sent the blowing up my phone comment, and that my friends is the last she will hear from me, she is going to wonder what the heck happened to me, here i call and tell her i want her in my life and i want to be friends.....then NOTHING....
Kamille Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 The more details you give, the more she sounds manipulative. I have done the 'let's be friends' with exes, but when they asked for some time, I respected it. That whole : "its ok for you to call me and text me whenever you want to tell me how much you love me and you want me back, but when i text you ONE time i just ruiened your life"? The difference is, you are genuine when you say those things, she is saying them because she is afraid of losing power over you. Topend, we are here for you. We are NC professionals here at LS. In less then two weeks last time you were starting to feel better. Stick to NC and you will get have your old self back, only better and wiser.
Author topend22 Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 here is the link to how this all started with her, i was married a year ago and caught my wife cheating on me, well a divorce would have cost me a small fortune, so for the last year of our marriage my wife had her boyfriend and i had my girlfriend. finally i decided life was to short and i was done paying for my wife and her boyfriend to go on trips together because my wife didnt work, i funded everything. so i bit the bullet and divorced her.....the rest is here......THANK YOU EVERYBODY FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE........I FEEL BETTER BY THE MINIUTEhttp://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=143018
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