amerikajin Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 A few weeks ago I hit it off with this woman who was visiting the town where I currently live. She was actually a teacher of mine in a two-week winter course, but things didn't happen between us until after she finished teaching. Problem is, she lives across the country. It's an LDR. When she left she was talking as though she might move here, but now she's probably not. However, I had talked about studying in her hometown over the summer and visiting when I can and then seeing where things go once I graduate. In the meantime, there's this new girl who has come into the picture. Honestly, I think she has been interested in my for some time but I didn't really get too excited about it. It's actually quite mysterious as to why it's taken me so long to notice her because she's actually extraordinarily attractive. I guess I just didn't really know her that well and assumed she was more style than substance. But I don't know...the last few times that I've met her, we've talked and I think she has sunk her claws into me. She seems like a great person, and unlike my current LDR, she's HERE, in person, in the flesh, in front of me, and is making it obvious that she's interested, though I know that she won't do so forever. I don't know what to do. I like my current gf and at the time, I thought maybe this would work, and I guess it still could. I guess at the time I had nothing else going on and didn't envision falling for anyone else. I've never really had anyone go after me the way this new girl has, but damn, she's hard to resist. I feel torn, not well. I didn't sleep well last night.
Pyro Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 A few weeks ago I hit it off with this woman who was visiting the town where I currently live. She was actually a teacher of mine in a two-week winter course, but things didn't happen between us until after she finished teaching. Problem is, she lives across the country. It's an LDR. When she left she was talking as though she might move here, but now she's probably not. However, I had talked about studying in her hometown over the summer and visiting when I can and then seeing where things go once I graduate. In the meantime, there's this new girl who has come into the picture. Honestly, I think she has been interested in my for some time but I didn't really get too excited about it. It's actually quite mysterious as to why it's taken me so long to notice her because she's actually extraordinarily attractive. I guess I just didn't really know her that well and assumed she was more style than substance. But I don't know...the last few times that I've met her, we've talked and I think she has sunk her claws into me. She seems like a great person, and unlike my current LDR, she's HERE, in person, in the flesh, in front of me, and is making it obvious that she's interested, though I know that she won't do so forever. I don't know what to do. I like my current gf and at the time, I thought maybe this would work, and I guess it still could. I guess at the time I had nothing else going on and didn't envision falling for anyone else. I've never really had anyone go after me the way this new girl has, but damn, she's hard to resist. I feel torn, not well. I didn't sleep well last night. and how do you know that?
Author amerikajin Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 and how do you know that? Women *do* move on eventually. There's more than one dude out there, just like there's more than one woman out there for me. My head and my conscience tell me to stick to what I have now and give it an honest shot. I said to myself at the outset of this relationship that I would give it about three months to see where things are going. I like the girl I'm with now -- there's nothing wrong with her at all. She's cute, smart, sweet and I respect her in a lot of ways. The only problem is that she lives far away from where I am now and I'm not so sure the logistics are going to work out as we had hoped after all. It's been almost a month already. In the meantime, this new girl is going to probably start hitting on other dudes before long, which is totally understandable. I haven't even told this new girl that I have a girlfriend, not because I'm hiding anything but because it just never came up. Most of our conversations were brief and at school or around the premises. For the longest time I thought it was nothing more than maybe a little harmless flirtation on her part. I only started to really think that there was something deeper in the last few days, especially the past two days. We just got into these in-depth conversations about things. She's really smart. She also seems like she's just a downright decent person, involved in community projects and so forth. And yes, she's breathtakingly beautiful.
Pyro Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Women *do* move on eventually. There's more than one dude out there, just like there's more than one woman out there for me. My head and my conscience tell me to stick to what I have now and give it an honest shot. I said to myself at the outset of this relationship that I would give it about three months to see where things are going. I like the girl I'm with now -- there's nothing wrong with her at all. She's cute, smart, sweet and I respect her in a lot of ways. The only problem is that she lives far away from where I am now and I'm not so sure the logistics are going to work out as we had hoped after all. It's been almost a month already. In the meantime, this new girl is going to probably start hitting on other dudes before long, which is totally understandable. I haven't even told this new girl that I have a girlfriend, not because I'm hiding anything but because it just never came up. Most of our conversations were brief and at school or around the premises. For the longest time I thought it was nothing more than maybe a little harmless flirtation on her part. I only started to really think that there was something deeper in the last few days, especially the past two days. We just got into these in-depth conversations about things. She's really smart. She also seems like she's just a downright decent person, involved in community projects and so forth. And yes, she's breathtakingly beautiful. Not all women will eventually move on. Thats your bitter side talking IMO. If you are comfy with the LDR, then more power to you, plus you don't have faith in the local gal, so you should stick with the LD gal.
Author amerikajin Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Not all women will eventually move on. Thats your bitter side talking IMO. If you are comfy with the LDR, then more power to you, plus you don't have faith in the local gal, so you should stick with the LD gal. Yeah, but I can't f*ck anything but my right hand between visits :laugh:
Pyro Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Yeah, but I can't f*ck anything but my right hand between visits :laugh: Nothing wrong practicing safe sex.
Florida Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Women *do* move on eventually. There's more than one dude out there, just like there's more than one woman out there for me. My head and my conscience tell me to stick to what I have now and give it an honest shot. I said to myself at the outset of this relationship that I would give it about three months to see where things are going. I like the girl I'm with now -- there's nothing wrong with her at all. She's cute, smart, sweet and I respect her in a lot of ways. The only problem is that she lives far away from where I am now and I'm not so sure the logistics are going to work out as we had hoped after all. It's been almost a month already. In the meantime, this new girl is going to probably start hitting on other dudes before long, which is totally understandable. I haven't even told this new girl that I have a girlfriend, not because I'm hiding anything but because it just never came up. Most of our conversations were brief and at school or around the premises. For the longest time I thought it was nothing more than maybe a little harmless flirtation on her part. I only started to really think that there was something deeper in the last few days, especially the past two days. We just got into these in-depth conversations about things. She's really smart. She also seems like she's just a downright decent person, involved in community projects and so forth. And yes, she's breathtakingly beautiful. But you don't know anything about what Ms. Nearby's interest level is in an actual relationship. Perhaps she likes the flirting, but just got out of a long term. Perhaps she seems to like you, but if approached for a date, would skitter away and give mixed messages. It almost seems impossible, without dating them both, to figure out if she is offering anything substantial. Then again, putting myself in your LDR's shoes, I sure as heck wouldn't want anyone staying with me *by default* just because Ms. Nearby is just not ready for a relationship. So please don't stay with Ms. LDR by default. Don't make it about relativity. (ie: you can't find another closer by, but if you do she is so gone, so in the meantime you stay with her)
Nevermind Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Close your eyes, imagine kissing your girlfriend. Imagine kissing the new girl. Which image makes you feel better?
Author amerikajin Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 But you don't know anything about what Ms. Nearby's interest level is in an actual relationship. Perhaps she likes the flirting, but just got out of a long term. Perhaps she seems to like you, but if approached for a date, would skitter away and give mixed messages. It almost seems impossible, without dating them both, to figure out if she is offering anything substantial. Then again, putting myself in your LDR's shoes, I sure as heck wouldn't want anyone staying with me *by default* just because Ms. Nearby is just not ready for a relationship. So please don't stay with Ms. LDR by default. Don't make it about relativity. (ie: you can't find another closer by, but if you do she is so gone, so in the meantime you stay with her) True dat. Honestly, it didn't start out like that. I was interested in my girl but it's just hard to sustain a relationship through SKYPE. But you're right, I think that the real issue here is how I feel about my current girl. Everything else is just extraneous bullsh*t...that's how it is logically. Unfortunately, there are these things called emotions and feelings and passions. And somehow this woman found a way to turn that side of me on, even when I wasn't trying anything on her. I have never gone out of my way to approach this woman. She's the one who saw me walking on the side of the road and gave me a ride home. She's the one who keeps touching me and bumping into me whenever we run into each other. I guess I should just find a way to tell her that I have a lady already?
norajane Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Why do you date? Are you hoping to fall in love, develop a loving, long term relationship? If so, then I think you need to give some serious thought to the reality of this LDR. She is someone you like, but will see rarely, and neither of you are planning to move to the other's city any time soon. So where is the future? What is the point of that relationship? If you truly want to be WITH someone, have love IN your life, then you should probably not get involved with women who live thousands of miles away and are not likely to ever live near you. It's hard to start a relationship as an LDR, and even harder to develop and maintain it, especially when there is no 'light at the end of the LD tunnel'. On the other hand, if you date just to have some fun and frolics, then LDR is even less likely to give you what you want. Where's the fun and frolic when you are not actually WITH her in person? Sort out for yourself why you cling to a relationship that isn't likely to give you what you want. As to the other lady, well, you know you have to figure out whether the LDR lady is for you or not before you can be open to anything with the other lady. If you don't do that first, then anything you do with the other woman will be a half-assed attempt doomed to fail.
Art_Critic Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Honestly if it were me.... I would go for the sure thing.. break up with the LDR and start dating the girl who is geographically closer to you.. You did mention that your LDR isn't going to move closer to you.. problem solved.. she solved it for you
BareGoddess Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I agree with NJ and Art. The fact that you're even considering something with the girl close to you tells me that the LDR relationship isn't all that solid anyway. Go for it!
Trialbyfire Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 It takes two to tango amkj. Best to decide why it's all about her moving and no consideration on your side to relocate. It also a lot of effort for an LDR. If you're not that dedicated to it, time to move on, regardless of the woman who's close by.
Author amerikajin Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 I agree with NJ and Art. The fact that you're even considering something with the girl close to you tells me that the LDR relationship isn't all that solid anyway. Go for it! I had one other LDR which actually worked for a long time. I guess the difference is that in that relationship, we were at least able to see each other once and sometimes twice a month. The earliest I could see this girl would be next month for about a week, and I don't even know if I can afford the ticket out there right now (I am a student again after all). After that, the earliest I could see her is in May or June. I could possibly do some grad course work in her hometown for the entire summer, so it would be like getting to know her better and over a longer period of time, but that's a long way off and I don't yet know how that'll work out. Honestly, I don't know if I started this thread to have someone solve my own issues or not. But I appreciate everyone's feedback so far. It's good to hear other perspectives, and sometimes I guess I need the occasional terse reply to keep my head on straight. I guess what surprises me is how someone can just reach in and grab me like that even when I wasn't consciously allowing that to happen. I'm still wondering how that happened.
Author amerikajin Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 It takes two to tango amkj. Best to decide why it's all about her moving and no consideration on your side to relocate. It also a lot of effort for an LDR. If you're not that dedicated to it, time to move on, regardless of the woman who's close by. I'm in grad school, so I can't move until the end of this year. She is able to relocate more easily than I, although her circumstances it would now seem prevent her from moving for a while as well. I thought based on what she told me when we first met that she might be able to move, but she can't so easily do that right now as she just accepted a contract and it would be a bad career move to break it. But yeah, I agree with your point. I guess I need to decide now just how into it I am.
BareGoddess Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I guess what surprises me is how someone can just reach in and grab me like that even when I wasn't consciously allowing that to happen. I'm still wondering how that happened. Ha ha...many times that's how it happens when we meet the "one." Yep, happened for me that way.
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Is there some kind of agreement between you and first lady that you’re not going to see other people while you’re apart? I guess I don’t understand why you just can’t casually date them both until you find out which one you feel have a better connection with (???) :confused:
YellowLioness Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I like Enigma's idea. That's what I would do. As a good friend of mine once put it, "What they don't know can't hurt you." Unless you've specifically spoken with your LRD about being totally devoted to her, I wouldn't worry too much about it. You're allowed to figure out what you want before you make a decision.
BareGoddess Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 You know, I was going to ask that and forgot. Do you in fact have some kind of agreement of exclusivity with the LD lady?
Nemo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 You know, I was going to ask that and forgot. Do you in fact have some kind of agreement of exclusivity with the LD lady? Yesssss!!!!! Have your cake, and eat it, too. What a great idea.
BareGoddess Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Yesssss!!!!! Have your cake, and eat it, too. What a great idea. I don't see it that way. I mean he IS single.
Nemo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I don't see it that way. I mean he IS single. Is it a LDR, or a FWLDB? Sorry, I am not clear.
BareGoddess Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Is it a LDR, or a FWLDB? Sorry, I am not clear. Ok, I know I'm going to regret asking this but what is FWLDB?
dreamergrl Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Ok, I know I'm going to regret asking this but what is FWLDB? I'm guessing friends with long distance benefits - and I know the situation isn't funny, but that had me LMAO ... the abbreviation
blackbird Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Friend With Long Distance Benefits? Like the benefit of jerking off over Skype messages? I don't know either. First thing, on your comment "I haven't even told this new girl that I have a girlfriend, not because I'm hiding anything but because it just never came up." Are you being totally honest with yourself on that? You have noticed that she is attracted to you, you have noticed your own attraction to her, and you have failed to mention that you're seeing someone. The reason I ask is because I had a similar situation where I was in your shoes (hot guy flirting with me while my SO wasn't there), and I discussed it with my SO, and at first I wouldn't admit to him that I'd been flirting (if only passively), that I'd done anything to contribute to being flirted with, I kept framing it as just something that happened to me. He zeroed in on the fact that I hadn't mentioned that I had a SO, and I kept insisting "it just didn't come up" or "I didn't want to just blurt it out and make things uncomfortable" -- but eventually I came to realize those were just excuses. I liked the attention and didn't want it to stop, whereas with other guys I wasn't attracted to, I had no problems casually mentioning my attached status. Other things.. you describe your LD girl as "cute, smart, sweet and I respect her in a lot of ways". And the other girl as "extraordinarily attractive", "really smart", "breathtakingly beautiful", etc. Just from your use of adjectives I'd say you already know which one you're more into... Based on how long you've known your LD girlfriend, and that you sound more like you simply like her than you're really into her, I'd say break things off and test the waters with the new girl... if not with her, I would bet you will with someone else in the future, unless your LD relationship changes dramatically and becomes more intense.
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