oppath Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Fray, you've only been with him for two months and you've broken up with him twice. It's not unreasonable to wait until the 5-6 month mark for him to say "I love you" without those breakups. Seriously. The word love means different things to different people. For me it means "no matter what happens to my family and my career, I'd want to stay in a relationship with you." It's not something to be said lightly. Back off of I love you's. Don't freak if your bf doesn't say it. It is too soon to say it. It's crazy to focus on "I love you" after 2 months. Both of you hardly know each other. To let love grow, you need to focus on good times, without stress and pressure, and be consistent. So stop it with the "he didn't say I love you to me " mumbo jumbo. You've broken up with him twice. Lay of those words and don't expect them from him. Enjoy your relationship without fretting about those words. He wouldn't be with you if he did not want to be with you and you need to give room to let love grow.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I've decided that I'm going to stay with my bf and try my best to keep my impulses in check. I told him I'm going to get therapy and he's also getting a better understanding of why I do this crazy breaking up with him. I pretty much told him straight out that he has to help me...I told him that I broke up with him because I thought he's going to leave me. We told each other that we're not going to leave each other ever....we just won't...at least not permanently. Yeah that doesn't sound healthy. And none of what you just said makes sense. And the reason you broke up with him is NOT that you thought he was going to leave you..you told us that you broke up with him for multiple reasons (aka excuses), some being because he asked you to go on birth control and that he is not "the one." C'om now Fray, you aren't going to kid us. I see this relationship in danger of you both becoming co-dependent. Why the heck are you so fixated on the "I love you" crap? Saying you will only allow yourself to love him if he loves you back sounds immature..I don't think either of you knows what a healthy and loving relationship is, probably from inexperience. But this just means your relationship is going to end real badly, or it will work out but you will both be miserable. Like I have said before, I don't see the situation improving.
Walk Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I've decided that I'm going to stay with my bf and try my best to keep my impulses in check. I told him I'm going to get therapy and he's also getting a better understanding of why I do this crazy breaking up with him. "Trying" to keep your impulses in check will be like running a marathon after you've been a couch potato for 6 years. You can "try" all you'd like, but you don't have the ability to do it. If you did, you would've held them in check already. You need to learn how to redirect your negative thought patterns when things don't go your way. Otherwise you WILL fail, you'll get frustrated and you'll quit trying. Study articles, talk to people, ask questions about how to develop the tools you will need to stop you from sabatoging yourself. http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041026-000006.html http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writings-insecurity.htm I pretty much told him straight out that he has to help me...I told him that I broke up with him because I thought he's going to leave me. We told each other that we're not going to leave each other ever....we just won't...at least not permanently. You demand that he helps you by understanding and forgiving you, but you aren't willing to do the same for him. The second he doesn't react in the way you want him to behave, you assign negative motives to it. "He must not love me if he doesn't say it first." Take a moment and think about how HE feels right now. Give him what you have demanded he give you. As long as you don't have to put any effort into the relationship, then you're fine. The second your bf doesn't act the way you want, and the point in time where you need to put the most effort into this relationship, and you're pissy about it. Why? Because you aren't getting the immediate rewards you feel you deserve? Because this time you'll have to earn his trust and belief in you, and you're giving up after only 1 day? You "tried". It failed after 1 day. Go back and learn how to change the negative thinking, and negative reactions you have. Then "do" make changes.
StartingOver07 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Fray, I am not sure exactly how long you've been dating this guy, but here are the threads you've started about him in the last 2 months. Just look at the titles - what do they tell you? I got back with my bf AGAIN! And I used the L word How do you deal with being the dumper? I'm so disappointed in my bf =( I broke up with him and we got back together...is it doomed? I totally messed up!!! Ugh! How often does your bf call you? Really embarrased about well...stretch marks! Love vs IN love Seeing him tonight, not sure That dreaded sinking feeling Sex and dating URGENT: Not sure how to go about this mistake I see a huge pattern of insecurity. How can you say you are ready for an adult relationship? I think you are being unfair to your BF. I've pretty much trained myself to not love anyone unless they love me first. My bf is someone I can see myself loving, but I will only allow myself to feel them if he also feels them. If you only "see yourself" being able to love your BF at some future point, why are you telling him now that you love him? I realise that the purpose of LS is for people to have a place to talk about r/s issues, but it seems to me that a truly healthy/good relationship is not one where each exchange (or the majority of exchanges) have to be posted for others to interpret. Yes, couples face occasional issues that need to be worked through, but at the point that someone in a new relationship is posting more than 2x/month about problems, well... where is the huge red flag emoticon?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 He replied back.."well I want you. Maybe I can understand the situation more when this happens again." . That right there bothers me why the happy smiley after he says that? Dose it make you happy that hes expecting it to happen again? That fact would make me sad but I guess thats just me. Look your hurting this man and your getting some level of pleasure out of it. maybe you have some old anger issues with men or something so your now tormenting this one has he done anything to you to deserve this? My suggestion break up not for your sake for his until you can get some treatment for your issues and reenter the relationship on a healthy basis!
Author fray718 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 I may be totally messed up emotionally, but one thing for sure is that I do NOT enjoy hurting my bf! I hate that I do this to him and whenever I do it just breaks my heart as well. That being said, I'm currently trying my best to just be with him.
Author fray718 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 That right there bothers me why the happy smiley after he says that? Dose it make you happy that hes expecting it to happen again? That fact would make me sad but I guess thats just me. Look your hurting this man and your getting some level of pleasure out of it. maybe you have some old anger issues with men or something so your now tormenting this one has he done anything to you to deserve this? My suggestion break up not for your sake for his until you can get some treatment for your issues and reenter the relationship on a healthy basis! The smiley emotion is me being happy because I found someone who will stand by me despite these f*cked up issues I have. He wants me and wants to understand the situation...he did not just abandon me. I thought about leaving him before to end both our misery, but when someone is willing to push through with me through my issues, I just think it's worth working for that's all.
Star Gazer Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I thought about leaving him before to end both our misery, but when someone is willing to push through with me through my issues, I just think it's worth working for that's all. If you REALLY loved him, you wouldn't put him through this - any of it. You'd end the relationship and heal yourself so you someday can give him what he deserves. You aren't doing him ANY good my remaining in the relationship with your current mental state.
StartingOver07 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I may be totally messed up emotionally, but one thing for sure is that I do NOT enjoy hurting my bf! I hate that I do this to him and whenever I do it just breaks my heart as well. That being said, I'm currently trying my best to just be with him. Fray, caring about someone means wanting what is best for that person. Can you step back a moment and put your own interests aside and determine what is best for your BF? If your BF was just a friend and he told you about this girl who did to him what you've done, what would you tell him to do?
carrot10 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Hi Fray, I've read your posts and I am doing the same thing! I don't know why-insecurity for sure. I've haven't broken up (we've been together for 5 months) but I have had the same thoughts as you. The one about just being another girlfriend not being special is exactly what I feel. My bf has never been married and has gone out with tons of women. I was with my ex husband for 15 years! ---Maybe we can help each other out. I don't know about you but my bf is so sweet and understanding. I told him about some of my insecurities and he says he's not going anywhere. I guess it is up to me to trust him and believe him. He doesn't have the issues-I do. I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand what you are going through.
allina Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I feel like you can only sh*t on a relationship so much before it's no longer salvageable and healthy. In my opinion you past the point of this being a loving, happy, healthy relationship. It seems like after all of this any trust and security is gone from this relationship. If you're committed to keeping this relationship afloat you're really going to be sane, mature and loving on a consistent basis.
blind_otter Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 I feel like you can only sh*t on a relationship so much before it's no longer salvageable and healthy. In my opinion you past the point of this being a loving, happy, healthy relationship. It seems like after all of this any trust and security is gone from this relationship. If you're committed to keeping this relationship afloat you're really going to be sane, mature and loving on a consistent basis. I have to agree with Allina 100%....once you've established a negative pattern like this in a relationship, it will stick with you until the relationship comes to a painful, damaging end.... I had a relationship like this right after I split up with my exH. It was back and forth - break up/make up. This horrible mess lasted almost a year. It was ugly and it took a long time for me to heal after that relationship ended.
Author fray718 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 I understand what everyone is saying and yes if I was a friend of my bf's I'd think the same thing. Everyone speaks of this as a pattern...and i agree that if it remains a pattern than it's just a doomed r/s. But perhaps if we can break the pattern than things will be ok? My bf tells me he wants to understand what happens when I break up with him and he is willing to stand by me even if I do it again! Thing is, how many ppl do you know will be like 'just want to understand it when you do so happen to break up with me again.'? Probably close to none. The fact that my bf stands by in this way really helps me in my mindset. By him saying this, it gives me encouragement. And I told him that i promise i will talk to him beforehand if I feel the anxiety coming up again, and that I won't just freak out at him. Plus I just got prescribed the BC pills and will start taking them -- and I told my bf that I might be naseous and grumpy for the next 2 or 3 months and I asked if he's ready for it. He said 'we're in all this together.'....Honestly, I don't know if it's going to work out, i really don't, but for now it is worth a try.
latefragment Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 when i took them they gave me really horrible mood swings, i'd pick fights with my bf at the time. so i stopped, the moodiness way outweighed the benefits. make sure you monitor your moods and emotions as you are taking them.
Author fray718 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 when i took them they gave me really horrible mood swings, i'd pick fights with my bf at the time. so i stopped, the moodiness way outweighed the benefits. make sure you monitor your moods and emotions as you are taking them. thanks, i told my bf about this and he said that he's willing to be pateint with me and I said if the pills don't work out then i'd stop taking them and he said he'd understand. After all, I told him i'm basically doing this for HIM haha.
Walk Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 My bf tells me he wants to understand what happens when I break up with him and he is willing to stand by me even if I do it again! ................ By him saying this, it gives me encouragement. How does this "help your mindset"? He just gave you the green light to break up with him, and he promised to be there to lick your boots if you decide to come walking back into his life again. I'm sure that really helped you. Now you have absolutely NO reason to control your half-cocked impulses. No repercussions, no consequences for your actions. Great for you Fray. You're totally free from any adverse effects of your irrational thought processes. I bet you do feel really great about that. Who wouldn't?
Nemo Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 If the sex is good, then everything else will follow.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 How does this "help your mindset"? He just gave you the green light to break up with him, and he promised to be there to lick your boots if you decide to come walking back into his life again. I'm sure that really helped you. Now you have absolutely NO reason to control your half-cocked impulses. No repercussions, no consequences for your actions. Great for you Fray. You're totally free from any adverse effects of your irrational thought processes. I bet you do feel really great about that. Who wouldn't? I completely agree with this. Walk nailed it.
SeraBella Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 But perhaps if we can break the pattern than things will be ok? My bf tells me he wants to understand what happens when I break up with him and he is willing to stand by me even if I do it again! Thing is, how many ppl do you know will be like 'just want to understand it when you do so happen to break up with me again.'? Probably close to none. The fact that my bf stands by in this way really helps me in my mindset. By him saying this, it gives me encouragement. The reason we don't know many people who will be like that is because it's not healthy. And just because he says that, doesn't mean he'll actually keep putting up with it if you are repeatedly doing this. People reach limits and stop. I'd lose respect for someone who kept letting me walk all over them like that. And, although I realize you will argue otherwise, it doesn't sound like you respect your boyfriend now. It's been 2-3 months and every issue you've had you've come here for help with it. You can't seem to make any decisions on your own. You seem to thrive on "drama". You seem to communicate with him through "breaking up" more than anything. Anytime you want to get your point across you just dump him. You know breaking up with him doesn't actually mean it's over...it just means you're making a bold point. Soon, it will lose it's effectiveness. And then you'll be posting here..again...confused at why he's not wanting to get back together this time.
Author fray718 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) Here are a few truths! Each time I break up with him I ALWAYS think in my mind that it's over...I get totally depressed. I don't do it to make a point...my flaw is that I run away instead of communicate. Today I told my bf over the phone that I'm going to communicate if I feel if something is wrong as opposed to freak out. I do NOT enjoy hurting my bf. It breaks my heart every time I hurt him and I hate myself for doing it. Unfortunatley it is true when I told him that i can't leave him even if I want to. I feel as if I may be more helpless to him than he is to me. If he ever left me, it would hurt me many more times than if I left him. Walk - I do NOT intend to break up with him again. Every time I get back with him, I do not do it with the intention of breaking up with him. The mind can be cruel. I WANT to control my impulses and be a good gf...and there ARE repercussions if I break up with him again...and those repercussions are that'd I'd be hurting him AND myself and I do not want to do that. I will not be confused if he doesnt want to get back together again as he nearly did not want to after I broke up with him for the second time. It does not confuse me and in fact my greatest fear now is that he'd leave me because of what I've done to him. Somehow most people see me as this manipulative gf who's just using this guy for sadistic reasons or for kicks -- I'm sorry I know I have issues, but they certainly are not of this kind. Edited February 5, 2008 by fray718
Walk Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Each time I break up with him I ALWAYS think in my mind that it's over...I get totally depressed. I don't do it to make a point...my flaw is that I run away instead of communicate. Today I told my bf over the phone that I'm going to communicate if I feel if something is wrong as opposed to freak out. How will you do this? What is your plan? How will you deal with the negative emotions you feel at that time? How will you approach the topic with him without attacking him for what he did? Do you have a plan of action other then the vaguely stated "I'll talk to him", because that one hasn't worked in the past. Not sure if you noticed that or not. Maybe you need a more solid plan of action then ignoring your base reaction and pretending your someone different. I do NOT enjoy hurting my bf. It breaks my heart every time I hurt him and I hate myself for doing it. Unfortunatley it is true when I told him that i can't leave him even if I want to. I feel as if I may be more helpless to him than he is to me. If he ever left me, it would hurt me many more times than if I left him. That last part is not true. Men show emotions differently, but that doesn't mean they feel them any less strongly then you do. It doesn't mean he doesn't hurt just as badly as you do. You need someone to help you figure out where your thinking is irrational. This is one of them. You break up with him repeatedly because you fear he doesn't love you as much as you love him. What are you basing these assumptions on? And that assumption really bothers me because it basically says only your feelings are real, and his are just shadows of how you feel. Your feelings are stronger, your pain is deeper, your life is harder. Your still in the "Its all about me" phase of life. You need to open your eyes and really look at what is going on around you. Realize that other people hurt just as badly, possibly worse, then you do. Place yourself in his shoes and tell me how you would feel if your bf broke up with you, and that is how your bf felt when you broke up with him. Walk - I do NOT intend to break up with him again. Every time I get back with him, I do not do it with the intention of breaking up with him. The mind can be cruel. I WANT to control my impulses and be a good gf...and there ARE repercussions if I break up with him again...and those repercussions are that'd I'd be hurting him AND myself and I do not want to do that. You didn't intend to break up with him 2 other times either. We aren't discussing whether you really meant to break up with him or not. The point is YOU can't figure out why you do it, and until you do, you'll keep doing it again and again. And I'll say it again, if you WANT to control your impulses, then you need new tools to deal with the pain you feel. Otherwise you'll always react the same way to situations... you'll run away. Is it too much work for you to read up on how to communicate effectively in tough situations? Is that it? Its effort on your part so you're thinking "why should I have do it"? Do you always avoid anything that involves work on your part? Or do you feel that your bf isn't worth the effort? I will not be confused if he doesnt want to get back together again as he nearly did not want to after I broke up with him for the second time. It does not confuse me and in fact my greatest fear now is that he'd leave me because of what I've done to him. Somehow most people see me as this manipulative gf who's just using this guy for sadistic reasons or for kicks -- I'm sorry I know I have issues, but they certainly are not of this kind. The worst part is your not a bad person. You honestly do mean well. If you were doing this to toy with him, or hurt him, then everyone on here would be telling you off, not patiently replying to your posts. But that doesn't change reality. Everything you do is fear based. Every decision you've made has revolved around avoiding your own pain with no consideration of your bf's feelings. I'm not saying this to be cruel. I do think you're a good person with a good heart. But if you want to be in an adult relationship, then you need to buckle down and start acting like an adult. That means you have to do the work. Your bf doesn't communicate the way you do, he doesn't express his feelings the same way you do, he doesn't show his love the same exact way you do. That doesn't mean he feels it less then you do. But if you can't be bothered to take the time to figure out how a real relationship works, then don't cry that yours is progressing like a highschool fling. The only person here who can change your relationship is you. You either do, or you don't. But crying "i wanna change" then doing nothing to change, won't cut it.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I understand what everyone is saying and yes if I was a friend of my bf's I'd think the same thing. Everyone speaks of this as a pattern...and i agree that if it remains a pattern than it's just a doomed r/s. But perhaps if we can break the pattern than things will be ok? My bf tells me he wants to understand what happens when I break up with him and he is willing to stand by me even if I do it again! Thing is, how many ppl do you know will be like 'just want to understand it when you do so happen to break up with me again.'? Probably close to none. The fact that my bf stands by in this way really helps me in my mindset. By him saying this, it gives me encouragement. And I told him that i promise i will talk to him beforehand if I feel the anxiety coming up again, and that I won't just freak out at him. Plus I just got prescribed the BC pills and will start taking them -- and I told my bf that I might be naseous and grumpy for the next 2 or 3 months and I asked if he's ready for it. He said 'we're in all this together.'....Honestly, I don't know if it's going to work out, i really don't, but for now it is worth a try. Theres an awful lot of ME and I in this post isn't there? I agree with another poster here break heal yourself and then go back. Thats the right sane thing to do but instead your holding onto this man because your afraid hes the only one who will put up with the cr*p. And your right of course he is but he shouldn't have to live wondering if his gf is going to dump him today thats just not being fair sorry. Why should he have to live on an emotional roller coaster for you? Good stable caring relationships are suppose to be 50/50 and you just can't come to the table at that level right now. I do hope maybe you can see this at some point he cant be overly happy living like this is he honestly?
StartingOver07 Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Fray, everything you've written is about you. What about your BF? You say yourself that if you were a friend of your bf's you'd see this exactly as it is being painted to you. So if you love him, how can you possibly want to entrap him in a situaton that is not good for him? Somehow most people see me as this manipulative gf who's just using this guy for sadistic reasons or for kicks -- I'm sorry I know I have issues, but they certainly are not of this kind. Not true. I don't think you are deliberately manipulative. But you are like a small child who cannot think beyond her own interests and believes that she in the center of her world. Over and over you keep coming back to you in your posts. The only thing you are willing to do for him is to go on BCP and even that is ultimately about you and your (supposed) sacrifice. You've yet to say anything to indicate that you genuinely care about your BF because of who he is; it's all about what he does for you.
blind_otter Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I agree with the other posters. Sometimes you need to take a break from relationships in order to get your head on straight. If he really loves you (after 2 months, though, can ANYONE love ANYONE??) he'll be waiting for you when you get your head on straight.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 I agree with the other posters. Sometimes you need to take a break from relationships in order to get your head on straight. If he really loves you (after 2 months, though, can ANYONE love ANYONE??) he'll be waiting for you when you get your head on straight. I can think of people I still love after years who I would def agree to give things a second chance with. So yes I think its possible if there is a true connection in the relationship. Well said otter I hope shes listing to us now for his sake tho
Recommended Posts