So she said no

[Toggo]

Thought this might be the best forum to put this in. I've spent alot of time thinking. Its been 5 days since this happened, but I am still finding it hard to get by with this.

 

I guess I'll go ahead and paint the picture as best as possible.

We're both 19 in our second semester of college.

 

I met her in chemistry in our first semester an 8am class where we sat together every morning and talked. Nothing too personal but just talked. I learned she played WoW, loved Harry Potter, and had been to only one real party her entire life. We started talking to eachother every day over aim too from chitchat to lengths that astonished. I helped her as much as possible with her difficulties in chemistry and we studied together for each test. She suggested I start a character on her server so we could play together. So I did. I started leveling a character in world of warcraft so we could play together, and thats what we did over christmas break because she lived 5hrs away.

 

As soon as the second semester started, I started having lunch or dinner with her and sometimes her closest friend who was another girl just about every day. To try and get her to come along to parties, I introduced her to my friends so she and her friend could feel apart of it all when we went out to party. Both of them don't drink any alcohal at all, and I asked her why and told her she would never be pressured by me. And she has said I've never made an embarrassment of myself while drunk. Well I slowly got her to start playing games, and such with me and others in my room, and coming over to watch movies. I started to really like her, self conscious of her own laugh yet I loved it because she laughed so much. She was fun to be around despite how timid and quiet she was.

 

So I started to learn alot about her. She loves horses and her family has a rehabilitation center for horses too, terrified of any spider of any kind (easily frightened in general), and had very few friends in high school because she was always with her older brothers. Her favorite movie is the gladiator with Russel Crowe. She cut her hair short her senior year for reasons I don't know, and she has asthma that stunts her dreams to play soccer. When she gets sick, she becomes very ill when her white blood cells don't act on their own to fight back. Her medical knowledge and cabinet is extensive. We have alot in common.

 

So thats when I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and her reply that night was she would think about it and see. It was already in the back of my head that I felt doubt, but I was glad I did anyway because I was that hopeful I suppose. It only came about the night after when we were walking back together from a help session for chemistry. We talked and laugh as normal until a silence fell where I could almost see what was coming so I ushered it by making the lightest mention to not push. And thats where I got crushed. She said 'I think we are just friends.' I showed her that I was hurt when I wanted to go the other way back to my dorm immediately, but she said she still wanted to do things together as I was walking away in the other direction.

 

I talked to my brother and he brought the question of whether she was even looking to date someone, or that it may have been too much too soon. I realize its a risk for her to to potentially lose a friend, that invites her to everything she does, to go wrong. I'm not going to push it like my brother said. Hell I don't really want to say anything to her about that night. He suggested that I wait a week and if its still bothering me, I should talk to her about it. I really liked her and it was hard to hold those feelings. The problem I knew is that I would have class with her the day after with all these feelings.

 

And I did. I could barely find a word to say let along break a smile. She still approached me and we sat in class together. I could only say that I was tired (from not sleeping any) and that the weather outside was awful. It was the worst feeling ever to have to confront the same person that rejected you less than 10hrs ago. But I would have to continue seeing her lunch with friends and her, recitation and a lab with her as my lab partner last night with movies, tonight later at a party, and tomorrow for the super bowl game. She got me to get tickets with her to a concert and even wanted take me to a place where it would be great for star gazing when the skies were clear.

 

I don't think I've ever wrote anything this personal that wasn't required for a class, but I still really like the girl and I still want to have that kind of relationship with her. She has knocked me down once and said we should be friends. But still wants to do things together.

 

I want to get back track. What should I do? I am committed to being there for her, today she is very sick and I told her to tell me if there is anything I can do to help. I'm ready to reorganize this weekend from going to a party to something she can do. The weather outside is 20 degrees, I wouldn't want her out there, and I wouldn't want her cooped up alone in her room on Saturday night.

 

I guess I should maybe repost this in the friends and lovers section.

Edited February 2, 2008 by Toggo

[mike5770]

First of all congratulations on taking a chance even if it didn't work out the way you wanted it to. A lot of people would have just kept the feelings inside and never have taken the risk as she is a close friend. You obviously have very strong feelings for this woman and in my opinion I would take some time off from her and scale back the events you are doing together. It seems you interact with her not only in chem class but in every event of your social life with the super bowl party. I think it would benefit you to just be lab partners for right now and to distance yourself from her in every way possible. This will give you a chance to take a breather and heal and will give her some space too. If she asksa why you are doing this just say.."I have feelings for you that are more than friends and need some time to myself right now" If she is a true friend she will respect that and give you space. Then in your free time meet and date new girls on campus...fill your life upwith activities that don't include her or her friends..I know when you are totally in love with onew person you don't care about other girls..but this will accomplish two things...1 you wont be alone thinking about her and feeling sorry for yourself..and 2 if she has any feelings for you whatsoever they will be more likely to come out as she sees you have moved on with your life and she is at risk of losing you..I know when i loved someone it was therapeutic to date other women as my mind would be thinking toward the future...That is my humble opinion...good luck to you!

[Toggo]

I think it would benefit you to just be lab partners for right now and to distance yourself from her in every way possible. This will give you a chance to take a breather and heal and will give her some space too. If she asksa why you are doing this just say.."I have feelings for you that are more than friends and need some time to myself right now" If she is a true friend she will respect that and give you space. Then in your free time meet and date new girls on campus...fill your life upwith activities that don't include her or her friends..I know when you are totally in love with onew person you don't care about other girls..but this will accomplish two things...1 you wont be alone thinking about her and feeling sorry for yourself..and 2 if she has any feelings for you whatsoever they will be more likely to come out as she sees you have moved on with your life and she is at risk of losing you..I know when i loved someone it was therapeutic to date other women as my mind would be thinking toward the future...That is my humble opinion...good luck to you!

 

Thank you for posting, so what would you recommend I do. Granted, I guess I'll tell her I wont be going to the concert together, the tickets are next to eachother. But I cant just uninvite a person to my dorm to watch the superbowl. She always asks me what is going on tonight over aim too, what should I tell her when she asks? just not tell her and go do my own thing? Or say Im heading out with friends tonight?

 

/sigh, I know your advice is probably the best I heard but thats going to be very hard for me to execute. I can meet the new girls, thats easy. Yeah its going to be hard to find one I really like, like I did her, but its going to be hardest to cut her out of my social activities. I organize everything our group does. Its four other people every night including her that are asking me whats going on tonight.

Edited February 2, 2008 by Toggo

[Replicant]

I kind of look at this issue in two ways. One she is someone whom you spend quite a large amount of time with and are both very involved with each others lives in and out of school. Which seems strange to me as she seems interested and actively involved to the point i would think she would be all over the idea of taking it to the next level and start dating. (It would almost seem as if you were given the amount of time she injects into your life.) So you gave her the green light and she chose to turn that down.

 

On the other hand, sure one can say she is preserving friendship by not dating you. But she is also closing the door so quickly to what can be gained from such. So who really knows her intentions in this matter, they seem rather odd.

 

My suggestion would be to allow more space between the two of you, start spending much less time with her. This will either make her re-think her choices on this matter. Or if not just benefiting yourself to meeting other girls and investing that quantity of time where you wont be met with rejection when it comes to dating.

[Toggo]

I believe this stuff is starting to kill me.

 

I've integrated her into my group. Doing what you suggest could only damage it, and scar other friendships of mine. I'm moving on, and I will find another gamer girl. I'm not going to let this **** tear me apart anymore, any longer.

 

Heres the development:

One of my friends are getting close to her now. sitting with her in my room, I saw her leaning on him and holding his hand, with his arm around her. Yeah its the worst **** to have see the girl that rejected you 6 days ago, and is getting close with your best friend. Where the two of them would have never met if I hand not tried and got her so involved.

So lets see it get worse. Her best friend nudges up against me and starts leaning her head on me and grabbed my hand. At this point, all of this is happening, and I feel like my heart is being ripped apart, wishing someone had actually stabbed me there instead. Worse yet, we watch house next and it hits me like a brick in the face. Her best friend is doing this because I am just like her.

 

Gain is usually accompanied by pain, right?

Its a pretty bleek thought, but I cannot see anything good coming from this. I feel like I am suffering at the expense of everyone else's happiness. Is this some kind of sick purpose?

[mental_traveller]

My advice is to not care what happens with this girl. So what if she rejected you? There are loads of available women out there, many of them much hotter and/or nicer than this chick. You are blowing it way out of proportion by attaching monumental importance to whether one girl rejects you or not. Listen - over the course of your life, you will get rejected and fail many times for all kinds of things...job applications, women, friendships, career, business endeavours, sports, competitions, practically anything worth getting or doing. Part of being an adult is being able to handle as the normal part of life that it is, without getting too worked up about it.

 

You need to stop obsessing about this girl. Go out and chase girls outside of your current social circle instead.

[Haohmaru]

I don't care how nice or charming a girl is...they LOVE having control over men's emotions. That's how they are WIRED. They can't change it -- the only thing they can change is whether they admit this on a subconscious level (we know those girls as nice girls) or on a conscious level (we know these girls as b@%ches).

 

She still wants to do things together because she is still attached to you as a friend, which is cool, but also because it FEELS GOOD to have you as a pet. She gets the best of the girl world. Male attention without having to give up sex.

 

Do with this information what you will. Just don't tell me it "doesn't apply to her." It does. Maybe not when she's 45, married, and postmenopausal. But at 19? No doubt.

[tanbark813]

You waited too long to make your move and got friendzoned. Don't do that again in the future.

 

Ditto what MT said and I agree with the others that said you should pull back a bit from her right now.

[sedgwick]

Girl speaking here: I do not like having control over ANYONE'S emotions. Our emotions are our responsibility. Anyone who gave away that power to me would be someone I couldn't respect.

 

And if I'm going to break up with a guy, I give him space to heal. To hate me if he needs to. But I certainly don't chase him around trying to be his friend. That's completely disrespectful of what he's going through, and if I'm going to dump someone, I have to be ready to deal with the consequence of not having them in my life at all.

 

This is not about gender, this is about respect for other human beings.

[Haohmaru]

Of course you won't admit it. But I've never known a woman who was a potential mate who doesn't at least subconsciously love having emotional control over things.

 

We could argue that to the ends of the earth and never come to the same conclusion, because I see it all the time, and women will never admit it unless they have absolutely no class or shame.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

I can meet the new girls, thats easy. Yeah its going to be hard to find one I really like, like I did her, but its going to be hardest to cut her out of my social activities. I organize everything our group does. Its four other people every night including her that are asking me whats going on tonight.

 

I think the point of dating/seeing other girls is NOT to find someone you will like the way you liked her or finding a "replacement" for her. It's about going out with other people that are DIFFERENT and will give you a chance to experience other kinds of situations and personalities that will eventually fill up your time AND help you heal your wound. During this process, you will probably cultivate good frienships and they will also help you move on.

 

I believe that finding someone like her will only keep the wound open since she will constantly remind you of the other one. And you probably won't find someone like that girl anyway because you will be eternally comparing everyone by her standards.... keeping the wound open!

 

I don't wish you luck because luck has nothing to do with it.... instead, I wish you strenght. Keep posting. Let us know what happens.