prisonbreak Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I know NC is for us, but is there a sucess story where the NC worked out in our favor? Where they came back?
Knights Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Nice topic, i'm very interested in the answers to this one But im wondering, if you call and make a fool of yourself and drive them futher away will NC bring them back or does NC have to be started as soon as a relationship finishes to have any chance of them comming back on there own and contacting you?
Author prisonbreak Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 I'd say NC from the very begining is the best. But if you were to make a fool of yourself at 1st then stoped, it showed you cared and tried, then got yourself back together. So there's something to be said about that.
relearning2breath Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 it worked for me. But when you enter into NC you cant be doing it in hopes of getting back together. you're doing it in hopes of moving on with your life. i was in NC for about a month straight. I wouldnt take his phone calls, his im's, emails nothing and then one day he kept begging me to talk to him and come over so we could talk so i did. it ended up being a mistake b/c he had been dating a girl while we were in NC and they had just broken up and he was realizing that he hadnt wanted her and he wanted me. well he came on pretty strong and i decided to go back into NC for my own sanity. (he didnt know what he wanted) after another month of NC he hunted me down and told me the things i'd been waiting to hear and we began talking again. we "talked" for about 3.5 months and now we are back together and stronger than ever. sometimes i think you need the break to realize what you're missing or at the very least to help you let go and move on. i dont think NC usually works out the way it did for me and my ex...but then again i think every situation is different. Just try and move on with your life, thats what I did and if its ment to be, it will be. no matter how cliche that sounds. i think there's truth in it.
Author prisonbreak Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Thanks so much for posting your story. Your right, I have to do the NC for myself. Either way it's a win win. In your case did you completly give up hope too? I guess NC and moving on you kind of have to give up hope to fully move on.
oppath Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Prisonbreak, as the resident Wentworth Miller lookalike on this site, no contact is not about manipulating the other person back into your life. It's about create the space you need to heal and grow as a person, so if they ask for you back, you can rationally assess whether it is a good situation and address the problems that led to the initial breakup. It gives you the chance to realize "you know, life is good without this person too. I'll be fine without them. But it sounds like he/she genuinely wants this to work. XYZ are the issues. Has he/she changed or willing to work on those issues?" Them coming back is completely out of your control unless you were cheating or had some big issue, etc. No contact is all about you starting to heal, so if they come back, you can rationally decide to be with them. If they come back right away, you are still too raw and emotional and of course will say yes. But if you have some space, it might seek in "you know, they ended without really discussing the reasons and trying to find solutions. I don't want to be with someone like that."
NSU Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 NC is a good thing. In my own experience, what I found to happen was we had broken up, but we were still hanging out on a regular basis. We had all the same friends in common, so it made it hard not to see each other. Well, we were arguing and bickering about all the same problems and one day I said to her - its like we are still together, minus all the good stuff. It was driving us both crazy and when ever I would bring up possibly getting back together she would change the subject. Long story short, when I finally moved out of state after being in limbo for a few years and moved on with my life was when she started to realize things. We had NC for almost a year and when i saw her she had wanted to get back together, telling me all the things she had missed. I think NC is important to be able to grow as an individual and also to work on yourself to change anything that needs to be changed. For me I had a problem with my anger. Time away gave me a chance to work on it and take care of it. If we had been in contact I probably would not have done anything about it. Take the time away as a blessing in disguise. And if it was meant to be, then it will happen.
Frankie24 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Im about day 4 of NC, the hardest bit im finding it i want to call him - but I know he's with his new girlfriend
eagle5 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Never a wiser word said oppath, I totally agree...
Author prisonbreak Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 YOUR RIGHT OPPATH!!!! Right now having NC for me is about manipulation. I want him to contact so I can ignore him, because I'm in so much pain. I've been such a puddle lately and he knows this, so I'm not contacting so I can show I have some dignity left. Anyway, I hope over the next few days my mindset changes. I don't like feeling this way. I need to heal myself and get grounded again. Does anyone have any ideas how long until I get over the hump of dwelling on the NC and start focusing again on MY life? Not how long the pain will last, but the mindset of changing my attitude of NC?
oppath Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Have you gone through the angry phase yet? It is OK to be angry. Get angry. That bastard left you, and he has to cross through hell and high water to get you back. You want nothing to do with him. "He walked away from this ****?!? Puhleeze. I want nothing to do with him unless he's back on his knees. If someone leaves me, they are dead to me unless they grovel for a second chance." It's ok to spend a few weeks feeling that way. Right now, he's on a pedestal. Get angry. Feel it. Hate him. That feeling will only last a couple weeks and then you'll have a more neutral stance, but it is important to go through the full range of emotions.
Frankie24 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 What if they grovel and you allow them a 2nd chance and they screw it up again?
oppath Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 What if they grovel and you allow them a 2nd chance and they screw it up again? Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on you. Hurt me thrice, shame on me.
Frankie24 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on you. Hurt me thrice, shame on me. I get what you mean!!! NC it is then
vivrantflo Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on you. Hurt me thrice, shame on me. I wish my ex followed this.. I got booted after the first hurt!
micahmo77 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Good Lord, NC is for sure a rocky road but hopefully pays off. Isnt there someone who actually got that phonecall saying, I messed up lets make this work.
marianne62 Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Good Lord, NC is for sure a rocky road but hopefully pays off. Isnt there someone who actually got that phonecall saying, I messed up lets make this work. Yep, I got that phone call....again and again and again and....well, hopefully you get the picture. I'm done for real and he still won't accept it. I'm on NC because I really want him out of my life but it's been my experience that NC just makes him crazy and want me more. I am not saying that everyone will take advantage of and abuse a second chance, but I'm telling you, NC works. It really does. It makes you look like you've got dignity and CAN move on with your life (which is attractive in and of itself) and it also allows you to break the addiction of the other person and hopefully get some real perspective on what caused the break up to begin with. Give it a chance....you'll be glad you did. Good luck!
stepheine Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 To all my friends with broken hearts: I was in this position about 2 months ago. The guy that I knew I wanted to be with told me he needed space and I was so hurt and confussed. I struggled with no contact, I did the best I could, for a few days I would leave him alone and then I would give in and call or just show up at his house. to a lot of people I did what most would say Don't DO/ Big NO NO's!!!! But today I am with him and we are so Happy!!!! I don't know why or how we actually ended up together but this entire experience made us stronger. The relationship is not one sided and he gives as much as I give. He includes me in all his decisions and his life. I knew I loved him in the beginning and now I know I was right by following my heart. I guess what I am trying to say is NC is for you but so is contact so do what is right for your situation and for you. Good Luck
sedgwick Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 The biggest success story of NC in my life is that I got over him, completely. (Not my current ex; I'm not sure if I'll ever be over him.) I was so heartbroken after he left (this was 4 years ago) that I started dancing to cheer myself up. Now I'm in a dance company, and it's the happiest thing in my life. I never heard from him again, but that's okay as he was an abusive d*ckhead. He really was. He had a long history of treating women abominably. I'd say it was about 1.5 years before I was completely and totally over him, but today I can honestly say that if I saw him on the street I'd just laugh and wonder what I ever saw in him. I can look at pictures of him now without feeling anything at all other than, "I was with HIM?!?" NC was crucial. I just needed time to develop a life free of him, and it's a lot better than the life I had when he was around being negative and pissed off all the time.
changchewsoon Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 NC worked for me too, it's my 5th month now and I am moving on with life happily. You truly need to understand that you can't always depend on others to make you happy, only you could make yourself happy. NC works better especially if you know you have support from friends and family, knowing someone that cares so much about you really helps you to come back faster.
Author prisonbreak Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 So true "helps us come back faster"...I love it, thanks, changchewsoon!!!
Tormented Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I know NC is for us, but is there a sucess story where the NC worked out in our favor? Where they came back? Oh yeah, they come back. And sometimes, they come back - leave - come back - leave...well, you get my drift. A horrible emotional rollercoaster that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. I am still recovering from an ex that repeated this pattern for the past 2 years, and I've got myself to blame. Rather than keeping the door permantently closed to him (and believe me, this jerk gave me every reason to distrust him), I kept letting him back in with the hope that things would be "better" this time. Yeah...like THAT would ever happen! Sometimes, it's a blessing when they DON'T come back. I know it doesn't feel that way to you now, but if your relationship was toxic, caused you a lot of pain and anguish...then it's best to lick your wounds now and fully heal so that you can go on to a happier, healthier future with a likewise relationship just waiting for you to arrive. And when toxic exes keep rearing their heads, then the process of healing and meeting another gets delayed...sometimes for years. Two years in my case. But to answer your question...yes, that "bus" most likely WILL come your way again. Question is...do you really want to get back on board? It's like they say...breakups happen for a reason. ~T~
sveltskye Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 I actually have two NC success stories in my family (which is rather tantalizing for me, believe me, having just had a break up). The first is my parents. When they were in their early 20s they dated for months and my mom had a very crappy family situation and depended on my dad a lot. My dad was at a point in his life where he wanted to be having fun and not dealing with someone else's emotional baggage a lot. When he started looking at other girls my mom basically cut it off saying that he needed to really want to be with her if he was going to be with her. She said it hurt like hell in the beginning, that she thought he was the cat's meow and she would cry when she went to work. They didn't talk for a year, and she said that by that time she had gotten over him completely and didn't care anymore. She was seeing other guys by that point, and was much less dependent and more confident. Well, that's when my dad came back and told her that she was the one he always wanted to be with! But by that point she said he had to work to win her back! They've been married for 30 years now. The second is my sister. She dated her first boyfriend in middle school. She was totally smitten with him but two years in he broke up with her. She wouldn't talk to him for two years because she said she felt so betrayed that she had shared her everything with him and he had left her. I understand that sentiment. But they kept loose contact through high school (I used to get babysat by his mom) and both dated other people but I don't think my sis ever let go of him. She dated another guy for 6 years, and was engaged to him, but broke it off eventually. She had been with that guy when she had to move across state where her ex lived and he was her only friend there so they had some confusing, tempting reconnection but they didn't do anything. She eventually broke it off with the fiance and six months later got back together with her first boyfriend. I'm at their apartment right now. I don't know where it will go for them, but it gives me hope. Not necessarily for my boyfriend and my relationship, but its beautiful to know that sometimes all that wishing CAN come true, you know? That two people can grow and change and be better people for eachother. My parents story is the best for that. But at the same time, I know that it doesn't work out for a lot of couples, and its really not up to one person. Its up to the dumper to realise what they're missing, decide what they really want, and recognize that the other person has changed, or that they can deal with their flaws after all. Its up to the dumpee to grow and change and be a stronger person for themselves, so that no matter who they end up with in the long run, they will be a healthy person with a healthy outlook in a relationship. Its up to both of the people to self reflect and recognize their own behavior that led up to the breakup so it won't happen again. I was very dependent on my ex, and I realise that was true, I kind of realized it when I was in the relationship. I find it sad though because he viewed this as something he had brought out of me. He said we had brought bad things out of eachother, but naturally he only pointed out MY flaws. And he saw it as this kind of innate quality of our relationship, not as a pattern we had gotten into that could be recognized and changed. We're going to be friends, but as long as he stubbornly holds this view of me as a certain kind of person who's incapable of changing, he's never going to want to be in a relationship with me again. So I just have to live for myself, take what I can out of the friendship, and figure out how to be with someone without making them my whole life.
Recommended Posts