Antha Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I haven't posted in awhile. I remember some of you had recommendations for books that really helped others. I'm looking for something more along the lines of getting over the anger and hostility that you feel toward a person, not to reconcile, but to cleanse yourself of that toxic crap the hatred makes you feel. My ex does horrible things, little and big (most recently lying in court)...I know what kind of person he is. I don't know why I'm ever surprised or indignant. I know he'll sink to any depth...but I still get angry and frustrated about it. I don't let it show that it bothers me, and I don't mention to him that I ever caught a whiff of various things he pulls (giving out my cell number to businesses for free trials, teaching our daughter bad things--I just try to correct what he taught her and not retaliate in any way). The problem is, despite the fact that he doesn't see that he gets a rise out of me, he *does* get a reaction -- he just isn't privy to it. I'll call friends and family and get it out, but I still feel so much hatred, distaste, and dislike for him. My BF has said recently to me: "You know he is a piss of crap. You know that he has no remorse and that he's not going to change. You know that no matter how civil he pretends to be one minute when he wants something, he will be a complete b**tard later. Why do you care what he thinks or what new game he tries to play? Why does it upset you when this guy lives up to exactly what you know him to be? This is who he is." I think he raises a lot of good points. My BF isn't hurt or jealous because I still get angry when the ex-H pulls this stuff, he just doesn't want me to get all worked up and frustrated. He says he gets concerned for me because I seem like I waste so much energy on hating the ex-H. And its true. I feel like I spend too much time getting bent out of shape when the ex-H does something that's *so expected* of a person like himself. The man is not going to change, does not find any fault in himself or what he does or teaches our daughter, shows no remorse for his horrible actions and completely justifies them in his mind that he convinces himself of it. I have long since moved past the love I had for him. I do not think of him when I do not have any contact with him. Then, he does something...b!t@hy, for lack of a better word, and I am consumed with black rage and hostile feelings and I let it (yes, *I* let it) ruin my morning/day/whatever. I have learned to not show my reactions to the ex-H, but now I need to learn how to *not feel them* either, or at least not to such an extent. People have told me that I need to develop a thicker skin, that while these things are horrible, I need to not let them get to me. I always ask: "Well, HOW do I do that? Can anyone tell me?" I'm not a robot. I can't just turn my emotions on and off like the flick of a light switch. I'm hoping, that with more time and conditioning and learning a new way of thinking, that I can adjust myself to not letting his tricks and games get to me. The logic behind everyone's sentiments is solid, but just saying "Get over it"...easier said than done. (No, no one has said a simple 'get over it' to me and I doubt that that would do more than make me a bit annoyed at them) I've heard a lot of: "What do you care what lies this jerk spreads about you?" and "You know what he's like and that he's going to pull this crap...why does it still bother you?" Honestly, I'm well aware of what the ex-H is capable of, what a mean, self-serving piece of crap he is...and yet I still get really angry...and then frustrated because there really is nothing I can do. He's not going to change and he's going to continue to do this stuff...I just can't seem to figure out how to let go of the anger and hatred and just be indifferent and say, "Ah, well, that's him. It'll bite him in the ass later". So, after that long-winded explanation...are there any books out there that deal primarily with getting over the anger and hostility, rather than the ex or reconcillation or "getting along with the ex" (this just isn't going to happen; I've tried, and you can't get along with someone whose not willing to too)? I'm sure there's more than a few people who might be interested in something that can guide one toward getting rid of that negativity. Thanks for any replies. Antha
Politico Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I'm looking for something more along the lines of getting over the anger and hostility that you feel toward a person, not to reconcile, but to cleanse yourself of that toxic crap the hatred makes you feel. It took me quite awhile to achieve indifference but it happened thanks to two concepts. One was extinguishment. Just as robbing a fire of oxygen extinguished it, I robbed the ex of opportunities to be ugly by denying her access to me and by not responding to her. The second concept came with the realization that she didn't deserve the power and control over my emotions and reactions that she has so I removed her ability to make me angry, enraged, frustrated, sad, etc. I just consciously wouldn't give that to her. The former drove her crazy and the latter ensured I didn't care.
sally4sara Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palhaunik; awesome and insightful.
Recommended Posts