fashiondiva11 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) I've been dating "D" for 2 months before we broke up last week. The breakup wasn't bad, we didn't have a fight, there was no lying or cheating involved. Quite the opposite. We were very happy and were getting along pretty well despite small differences in opinion. I have met his family and all his friends and he even told me that he was falling in love with me and was ready to give me keys to him apartment. I, on the other hand, have been very careful not to fall for him too quickly and tried to protect my feelings by finding faults with him and keeping my guard up. In order to protect myself I think I might've said few things that could've been hurtful and seemed like I don't care and not take him seriously. On several occasions I have called him selfish, immature and asked him "what he has to offer". I said that he might not be my "dream" guy and might've said once or twice that he is not the best in bed I've had. Yes I know,that was pretty mean, but I was just being honest and said that I'm wiling to work to get it better. (Wow just writing this I am realizing that I definitely have not made it look like I like this guy) After the breakup we have spoken few times, exchanged texts and emails. He keeps telling me that he is falling for me but is afraid of commitment and doesn't want to hurt me nor doesn't want to get hurt more down the line. Also he stated that he is not ready to compromise and since that's what I want it would be unfair to me. He wants to stay friends and implied that we could even go out and date and he has self control to not be intimate with me. I laugh that off because we both are very sexual and obviously even though we broke up the attraction is still there. He still insisted I go with him to his family event this weekend which at first said yes but now I'm having second thoughts. After much thinking I realized that obviously I started to have some feelings for this guy and even though I'm not sure where this will go I do want him in my life. I do want to respect his wishes wanting to break up and give him his space since he is not ready for a commitment but I find myself a little perplexed because he was the one that pushed for things to move very fast and admitted that he is falling in love with me. I don't get why he would want to let me go when he is falling for me and obviously there is something there. Now I'm thinking that it might've been me who scared him off by staying all the things I have. Is it possible that he is afraid to fall for me since I haven't really been very open and made him feel like I care? Would someone really prefer to end something good because they are afraid to get hurt or is this just an easy way out for him? What does he really mean that he is afraid to commit yet he was the one that pushed for it in the first place? Should I attend his family function this weekend or should I cut him out of my life completely? Should I continue to call him and text him? And how much is to much? I don't want him to think I don't care but at the same time I don't want to step over the boundaries. ANY advice that would give me some clarity is greatly appreciated. Thanks for your responses. Edited February 2, 2008 by fashiondiva11
Jilly Bean Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 How old are you, Diva? Is this one of your first dating experiences? If not, then I seriously question why would be so cruel to someone you claim to care about. You told him the following: 1 - he was not your dream guy 2 - you questioned "what he had to offer" 3 - and the doozie - you told him more than once that he sucked in bed If I were him, I would have NOTHING to do with you ever again, as you sound like a raging beeyotch. He sounds like a really nice guy, and rather than be as vicious as you, he is doing the fade-out breakup, but I assure you - he is quite done with you. He just has too much class to be mean about it. I strongly suggest you do some personal work to figure out what motivates your cruelty and desire to hurt another person. You sound entirely unremorseful and surprised that he has dumped you. That's concerning, because it shows you feel no shame or guilt for the heinous way you treated him. If you really care for him, then stay away from this guy before you cause him more pain and damage to his ego and psyche.
Author fashiondiva11 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 I know the things I have said might've been hurtful but it was my way of protecting myself and not getting hurt. I've been hurt very bad in my last relationship (lied and cheated to for year while we were talking about getting married) and I know how it feels to be heartbroken and hurt. I def didn't want to do that to him Yes it might seem like I was too mean and acted like a beeyotch, I do admit that and am ashamed of that. I guess we don't realize how much words can affect people. To me the actions should speak for itself and in that respect I was nothing but good to him. I am not surprised that we broke up it was pretty mutual. It all started as a joke and I didnt stop it from getting too far and then I guess we both were too deep into in that there was no way out but to walk away. Maybe he was indeed testing me to see my reaction and since I didn't really try to stop him, he just gave up. I know I am not perfect and have made some mistakes, but I seriously want to fix them. I do like him, maybe even more than I realize. I just don't know if his reasoning for the breakup have something to do with the things I have said and is it possible that he really felt I wasn't serious about him and hence his hesitation to allow himself to fall for me. Thanks for your response, as much as it hurt, I think you were somewhat right. I was mean without realizing it and now I do regret it.
Author fashiondiva11 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Is there anything I can do now to fix my mistakes. He still wants me to go with him to his family event. Should I go?
blind_otter Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I don't get why he would want to let me go when he is falling for me and obviously there is something there. Now I'm thinking that it might've been me who scared him off by saying all the things I have. Bingo! Is it possible that he is afraid to fall for me since I haven't really been very open and made him feel like I care? Would someone really prefer to end something good because they are afraid to get hurt or is this just an easy way out for him? If I were him I would stay away from you. From what you've described it sounds like you totally didn't make him feel special or desireable or wanted in many ways. He wore his heart on his sleeve and told you that he was falling in love with you and you sorta took those embers that were kindling in his heart and doused them with a big bucket of cold water! Should I attend his family function this weekend or should I cut him out of my life completely? I think you should chalk this one up to "big mistake" and move on. Next time you catch feelings for someone, don't push them away...and remember, brutal honesty is not really necessary. Honesty, sure, but be nice about it!
Jilly Bean Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Is there anything I can do now to fix my mistakes. He still wants me to go with him to his family event. Should I go? Nope. I think most healthy people would find your comments and behavior irreparable. Move on - leave him alone. Fix yourself first, before you try to continue your experiments on this poor guy.
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Ok, while I agree that you need to learn the difference between good ways of protecting yourself and bad ways of doing so (more on that later), he did invite you to go to the family weekend, so why not go. Now, there are ways of protecting yourself at the beginning of relationship that don't involve putting down the other person. Like you said, everyone can improve in bed, so there really is no reason to phrase it as : I have had better. In two months, how can you know whether or not this person is your dream guy (and what's that but a dream anyways?) or to graps exactly what it is that he has to offer. You chose to protect yourself by unfairly attacking him, which suggest to me that you aren't very happy with your life and yourself. See, the best way to protect yourself at the beginning of a relationship is to make it clear you are happy with your life and will only allow someone in if they enhance your life. Meaning, you negotiate setting a pace on the healthy premisse of building a healthy relationship. Do you see how that's different?
Recommended Posts