Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) Hi everyone... I won't post all of the details again but basically I was involved with somebody very emotionally abusive for only six months. I then went back after five months to the college he works in and did a course because I was fed-up of hiding away in my bedroom from him and thought the best way to get over this fear was to see him and try to be indifferent... He began following me after college and even sometimes in between - I would always see his car turn up everywhere I went and he would appear out of the blue and watch me sometimes. However he never made any direct contact. Last time I posted I had sent an email which was ignored - I was denying the severity of everything to myself and was trying to placate him since I believed he must be angry at me to be doing what he was doing... For two months, nothing - he ignored me as if I didn't exist at college, walking right by me without looking at me or speaking. Yet he would still drive by me every night which was as confusing as hell. He lives in the opposite direction. He was annoyed I think because when he pulled up beside me one night and asked what I wanted to do, I just went back home and didn't go back to his place or anything... So I got over it okay and wasn't feeling bad. Then the next term begins and he's rescheduled his class so it coincides with mine...he's sitting by himself near the door where I go in when I arrive. I couldn't believe it - I couldn't just ignore him, I said a few words, asking how his christmas was and hid my discomfort. This freaked me out and again I went back to "everything is okay" mode. He seemed angry when I said I had a good christmas and pointed out that he spent his all alone...I said I found this hard to believe. Next week I went and sat with him and said hi and he was extremely cold. I was weak and I asked what he was doing after class, touching him on the arm... He said he was meeting "a woman" after class and so I thought, that's that - I don't want any more to do with him. It was very hurtful really...once again he made me feel utterly worthless and humiliated. Yet that night he watches me after college going to tescos and doing my shopping from his car. Then the next week I conciously avoided him and next morning, what do I see but his car stopped at the traffic lights as I'm walking down the street...nowhere near my house. I've been eleven days NC so far but I really don't get this...why go to these lengths of cancelling/rescheduling classes to see me, following me yet act as cold as ice when we speak and never make direct contact? I feel intimidated by him and I hope he won't do anything else - I can no longer feign indifference, I'm going for total avoidance now - I wish this crap would stop. Everytime I see him he says "speak to you soon" and he never does... I have ended up feeling like an emotional cripple - my therapist says I have Stockholm Syndrome or something - I have no desire for him to be in my life anymore but still feel obsessed with him every minute. He has eroded my personality so I feel constantly on eggshells around him and afraid to open my mouth for fear of saying the wrong thing, yet I still feel this awful pull towards him as if I think that his validation that I am okay ( which never seems to come ) will make everything better. I did love him once and feel like I still do - I have never once told him to get lost despite everything and it seems the only way to get out of this is total avoidance which I am now doing.. I deny to myself that he has hurt me so much but I think he must have done because every time I think I see his car I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel frightened every night before college now. When I am with him I can barely speak anymore - I know it sounds crazy. Has anyone else experienced this? Love DLD x Edited February 2, 2008 by Dear Lady Disdain
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