"IDIOT" Stamped on my forehead

[dreamergrl]

I've been lurking about the last few weeks, seeing a lot of great advice given. I've been struggling with a relationship that just recently ended, and was hoping to get some feedback and insight. Bare with me, I'm trying to sum up a long story, a bit shorter.

 

I've never been one to place trust in a man - but this man won me over 100%. We shared a lot of common things - from personality to past relationships. I ended up moving in with him. I had been at a point in my life where I needed to move, and he said "Hey stay with me". I work out of my home, and that was a struggle at first (getting reset up and what not) - but he was there for me, and helped me quite a bit. We had shared many heart to heart conversations, and have come to love each other quite a bit. Eventually he had expressed that he wanted to move back to his home state, and wanted me to join him. So we begun working on our big move.

 

Only days before we were set to leave, I had found out he had been sending messages to girls on myspace (hey sexy lets do lunch or here's my number) through out our entire relationship. I felt sick to my stomach. And no, I wasn't just assuming this was real, I had gotten confirmation and proof. I felt betrayed. I called him out on it, and he said it didn't mean anything. He'd always tell me that he was lucky to have found me, and that it was great that someone had actually loved him and cared for him and accepted him for who he was. Now I wonder if it was all just a game on his part.

 

We ended up in a huge fight the day we were suppose to leave. I had sold quite a few things (being that I couldn't bring them with me) and my car (being that it was great for transportation in the area but wouldn't make a long haul trip like this). He thought that it would be best if I stayed with my mom for a few weeks, while he got things set up out there... I did not like this idea - but went along with it.

 

So, then his car ends up with a leak in the gas tank - sets him back from leaving - the repair cost was huge. He was bouncing around between family and friends till he could leave. I became insecure - going from always having him around to a phone call a day. He ended up living it up where he was at.. going out, being around people, hanging out with girls... the car got fixed, but he had to raise the money it cost to get it fixed so the trip could still be made safely. I was with out a car, and stuck away from my friends and the man I loved. I was bitter then I was constantly working and doing what I could I my end, while he got to have fun. We also had decided that I was going to drive out with him after all.. instead of flying.

 

He was selling some of his things online, and when the money came in he was suppose to pick me up. When he received the money we had talked, and got into a spat. A few days later I found out he left with out me. I received a nasty phone call telling me that I could never make it out there and what not... he was horribly drunk and saying so many hurtful things. Another few days later he called and said he was thinking about me, missed me, ect ect, and apologized. He was staying with family, and as soon as he got his own place he wanted me out there. Well I became lucky to get a phone call at all.. there was barely any communication.. and he managed to blow 600 bucks the first week he was there. He tried to tell me that it was food and stuff, but I'm sorry how does someone blow 600 bucks (not including the money to get out there) in a week?? We drifted quite a bit, didn't get along much when we talked, and all of a sudden he tells me he's not comfortable saying I love you (after A LONG TIME of it never being a problem). I felt like I was the only one putting effort into our now strained relationship.

 

He had a few of the belongings I had left.. tv, speakers, a hard drive.. and he ended up pawning an engagement ring I had from a previous relationship. He also had a box that contained some sentimental items. Now I had trusted that I was going to be with him, otherwise I never would have left him with some of my things. His attitude towards me changed.. he wasn't the loving bf he used to be.. and finally I gave up and said I wanted my things and my money. Four days later, I got yet another apology. I don't know why, but I gave in. He promised things would get better.. and they didn't. Finally I just blew.. I let out all my hurt and anger... and I got a nasty set of remarks. He claims its all because it hurts him that things are like this, and he feels bad how it went down, but if that's true - why all the nasty and hurtful remarks? Then he said its over.. fine, Im okay with that, just send me my stuff. But he wont. What gives? I feel as though I've been played like a fool. This never happened to me when I wasn't trusting.. then I let my guard down and I get screwed. I wish I could understand what was going on through his mind, and I wish I could just forget about him.. but its like when I try to, a few days later I find myself missing him. I guess I'm just looking for an outsiders perspective on the situation.

[SeraBella]

take him to judge judy.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

The lack of compassion here today is amazing! I'm very sorry to hear your situation poster #1.

 

I think the only way you can get your items back may be to report them stolen you said he sold a old ring of yours?

 

If you have prof of that then take legal action right away and after that have nothing to do with him hope things get better for you.

[dreamergrl]

The only proof I have is of him telling me, had I known, I would have had a tape recorder ready.

 

I know the last blow out was me mainly releasing pent up anger for past issues that I had thought I forgave..

I just don't understand why on earth someone would refuse to give back belongings if they want nothing more to do with a person. I can see wanting that tv or dvd player.. and to some people a box full of photos is worthless, but its something very dear to me. I also don't understand the need for hurtful statements and words when someone is just trying to get stuff back to move on.

[jaslene2009]

Honey,

 

It was best you found out in this way and not have moved out there around his family and he treated you badly. I would try to take the good out of the bad and move on. Ask yourself can you live without those things he has? If so, move on and if not, take him to civil court and have a judgement filed againist him. He'll loose because he sounds like a loser anyways.

 

I've been lurking about the last few weeks, seeing a lot of great advice given. I've been struggling with a relationship that just recently ended, and was hoping to get some feedback and insight. Bare with me, I'

m

trying to sum up a long story, a bit shorter.

 

I've never been one to place trust in a man - but this man won me over 100%. We shared a lot of common things - from personality to past relationships. I ended up moving in with him. I had been at a point in my life where I needed to move, and he said "Hey stay with me". I work out of my home, and that was a struggle at first (getting reset up and what not) - but he was there for me, and helped me quite a bit. We had shared many heart to heart conversations, and have come to love each other quite a bit. Eventually he had expressed that he wanted to move back to his home state, and wanted me to join him.

So

we begun working on our big move.

 

Only days before we were set to leave, I had found out he had been sending messages to girls on myspace (hey sexy lets do lunch or here's my number) through out our entire relationship. I felt sick to my stomach. And no, I wasn't just assuming this was real, I had gotten confirmation and proof. I felt betrayed. I called him out on it, and he said it didn't mean anything. He'd always tell me that he was lucky to have found me, and that it was great that someone had actually loved him and cared for him and accepted him for who he was. Now I wonder if it was all just a game on his part.

 

We ended up in a huge fight the day we were suppose to leave. I had sold quite a few things (being that I couldn't bring them with me) and my car (being that it was great for transportation in the area but wouldn't make a long haul trip like this). He thought that it would be best if I stayed with my mom for a few weeks, while he got things set up out there... I did not like this idea - but went along with it.

 

So

, then his car ends up with a leak in the gas tank - sets him back from leaving - the repair cost was huge. He was bouncing around between family and friends till he could leave. I became insecure - going from always having him around to a phone call a day. He ended up living it up where he was at.. going out, being around people, hanging out with girls... the car got fixed, but he had to raise the money it cost to get it fixed

so

the trip could still be made safely. I was with out a car, and stuck away from my friends and the man I loved. I was bitter then I was constantly working and doing what I could I my end, while he got to have fun. We also had decided that I was going to drive out with him after all.. instead of flying.

 

He was selling some of his things online, and when the money came in he was suppose to pick me up. When he received the money we had talked, and got into a spat. A few days later I found out he left with out me. I received a nasty phone call telling me that I could never make it out there and what not... he was horribly drunk and saying

so

many hurtful things. Another few days later he called and said he was thinking about me, missed me, ect ect, and apologized. He was staying with family, and as soon as he got his own place he wanted me out there. Well I became lucky to get a phone call at all.. there was barely any communication.. and he managed to blow 600 bucks the first week he was there. He tried to tell me that it was food and stuff, but I'

m

sorry how does someone blow 600 bucks (not including the money to get out there) in a week?? We drifted quite a bit, didn't get along much when we talked, and all of a sudden he tells me he's not comfortable saying I love you (after A LONG TIME of it never being a problem). I felt like I was the only one putting effort into our now strained relationship.

 

He had a few of the belongings I had left.. tv, speakers, a hard drive.. and he ended up pawning an engagement ring I had from a previous relationship. He also had a box that contained some sentimental items. Now I had trusted that I was going to be with him, otherwise I never would have left him with some of my things. His attitude towards me changed.. he wasn't the loving

bf

he used to be.. and finally I gave up and said I wanted my things and my money. Four days later, I got yet another apology. I don't know why, but I gave in. He promised things would get better.. and they didn't. Finally I just blew.. I let out all my hurt and anger... and I got a nasty set of remarks. He claims its all because it hurts him that things are like this, and he feels bad how it went down, but if that's true - why all the nasty and hurtful remarks? Then he said its over.. fine,

Im

okay with that, just send me my stuff. But he wont. What gives? I feel as though I've been played like a fool. This never happened to me when I wasn't trusting.. then I let my guard down and I get screwed. I wish I could understand what was going on through his mind, and I wish I could just forget about him.. but its like when I try to, a few days later I find myself missing him. I guess I'

m

just looking for an outsiders perspective on the situation.

 

[Ms. Red]

I know SeraBella's comment was lacking compassion but, it's almost as if she was inside my head. But inside my head a couple days ago. Let me explain: I often have the tv on in the background while on-line or doing stuff around my house. I had Judge Judy on this past week & it seemed that every other case was a woman suing a man for money or things that he owed her from their time together in a relationship.

 

I couldn't help wondering why I rarely see the opposite cases, a man suing a woman for this. I am one of those women who loaned or left things w/ BF's. I had one BF who I got a credit card in his name under my credit. I've loaned hundreds of dollars to my BF's in trust they would pay me back. Why wouldn't they? Everything was peachy keen in our relationship. If I couldn't trust them, why be with them is what I felt. Let's just say, when break-up day came, I kissed my $$ & things goodbye. But, I repeated that pattern with several BF's.

 

I don't know why it seems this happens to women more than men. I know your in pain over the breakup & probably more so over the sentimental things. But, don't be like me & repeat it. Learn from this & don't let it happen again. In the future, if you find yourself shelling out more $$ in the relationship, or he spends money recklessly RUN! Now, I'm dealing the the IRS coming after me for thousands of dollars in taxes my STBXH didn't pay on his earnings. I never did learn & married one of them. Now, I may see my wages garnished for HIS tax debt.

Edited February 2, 2008 by Ms. Red

[dreamergrl]

Thanks for the posts so far!

This is the first and last time I ever let a man take advantage of me $ money wise. It wasn't even a problem while we were still living together, things evened out and were more equal.

I wonder all the time though, did things just turn out different then expected, or was I played from the beginning? Was my trust rightfully placed in the first place? Giving someone all of my trust is new to me. He knew that, and he knew I'd have done everything he wanted me too. Did he take advantage of that?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

He knew that, and he knew I'd have done everything he wanted me too. Did he take advantage of that?

Yes he def did!

[dreamergrl]

Yes he def did!

 

So how does one know when they've put their trust in the right person?

 

I still hurt about all of this. I'm never going to let him back in my life though. Even with the hurt, part of me is moving on, and wants to get back on the saddle again. I even found some interest in a different man, but I don't even know where to begin at this point. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to find someone just to move on though.

[Ms. Red]

So how does one know when they've put their trust in the right person?

 

I still hurt about all of this. I'm never going to let him back in my life though. Even with the hurt, part of me is moving on, and wants to get back on the saddle again. I even found some interest in a different man, but I don't even know where to begin at this point. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to find someone just to move on though.

 

I'd say take things more slowly. I don't know how long you were together before you moved in. But don't give up your security & independence of your own place too soon. I rushed into living with a BF too soon once & it's a lot harder when you realize the relationship isn't good when you share a home instead of having your own place.

 

Just take it slow & let time & actions prove someone is trustworthy. If they are not, it will surely come through even if it seems insignificant at first.

[Florida]

So how does one know when they've put their trust in the right person?

 

I still hurt about all of this. I'm never going to let him back in my life though. Even with the hurt, part of me is moving on, and wants to get back on the saddle again. I even found some interest in a different man, but I don't even know where to begin at this point. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to find someone just to move on though.

 

Why would you continue or give a second chance when you saw the damning evidence before you (myspace dates with girls)?

 

If all people would leave their partners when that was found out, then none of the humiliations that happened after could have happened.

 

Look, that is hard evidence. The SECOND you found that you should have been out of there.

Furthermore- when you gave him a 2nd chance, he knew he could do ANYTHING and you would put up with it.

 

How do you know who to trust? Easy-those who don't give you good reason not to.

 

See, your thinking got all skewed and relative as soon as you let him go on that. Read some more around here, the women/men who stay after attempted infidelity can't tell if they are coming or going, if black is white and so on.

 

Keep your boundaries close, I hope there is never a next time with another man who does that to you, but if there is-RUN at the first hard sign of infidelity, okay? Just chalk this up as an expensive lesson the universe wanted to teach you.

 

Trust and forgiveness are overrated when it comes to the undeserving.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

So how does one know when they've put their trust in the right person?

 

I still hurt about all of this. I'm never going to let him back in my life though. Even with the hurt, part of me is moving on, and wants to get back on the saddle again. I even found some interest in a different man, but I don't even know where to begin at this point. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to find someone just to move on though.

If this guy was still on your mind enough to bring you in here to talk about him then you are NOT ready to give 100% in a new R!

 

Take your time and stop thinking about men in general so much maybe take up a new hobby or something for YOURSELF. Simply getting a new man will not make you happy in the long run.

[dreamergrl]

I don't expect a man to make me happy - I was happy prior to the relationship, and I can be happy without him..

Yeah he is on my mind, but I'm the type of person who's recent experiences stay on my mind - I tend to analyze experiences, and sometimes too much.

[Jilly Bean]

Myspace. Ruining lives one at a time. *sigh*

[SeraBella]

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was lacking compassion. Perhaps I shouldn't have responded when I was lacking sleep.

 

But, seriously, the judgement would be made in your favor. That was why I said it.

 

In any court it would be made in your favor.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

My space. Ruining lives one at a time. *sigh*

Agreed I tryed that site but it got weird after a while I don't recommend it. I've herd more bad things about that and face book and thats just from this site alone.

 

Now to the original poster please don't get upset or snappy with me thats just how I saw it.

 

Its never good to run from one relationship Immediately into another I think others here will agree with me on that also.

 

I can tell you that from personal experience give yourself some time to clear your own head thats all I ment!

[dreamergrl]

Agreed I tryed that site but it got weird after a while I don't recommend it. I've herd more bad things about that and face book and thats just from this site alone.

 

Now to the original poster please don't get upset or snappy with me thats just how I saw it.

 

Its never good to run from one relationship Immediately into another I think others here will agree with me on that also.

 

I can tell you that from personal experience give yourself some time to clear your own head thats all I ment!

 

 

Oh I completely agree with clearing my head, but I've always carried my experiences close to my heart, and eventually I'll be dating again. I'm always thinking ahead of what actually is.