don't want to give up.

[lovingyou2]

Hi, I am new here, but have read many posts and have found that I am in a similar situation as some others. Like some of you have probably felt, I am desperate for help and advice, but am feeling so sad and depressed that any effort that is required seems overwhelming and like any relationship mine is very complex. Anyway, here it goes. please feel free to ask questions if I don't make something clear.

 

We have been married for seven years and have a 15 month old daughter that we adopted. About 10 months after our daughter joined our family, I quite my job to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I have been separated for just over a month now. We began having some marital problems back in October-ish. My husband started becoming withdrawn and I discovered he had a relationship with a co-worker (single female). He assured me that there was nothing going on, but I still felt uncomfortable. I started doing some research on the internet and found sites that talked about emotional affairs. I told my husband I thought he was having an emotional affair and he was very defensive and upset with me. He told me that this person was interested in "supporting our family". We have of course had several nasty arguments over this issue. I tried to make it ok and accept it, but I just can not. We started going to marriage counseling and the counselor suggested the separation. I didn't want one but I thought that it may be for the best. We are currently not going to marriage counseling anymore because of some things that happened with our counselor.

 

My husband says that I don't communicate with him well, that I am manipulative, give guilt trips, and am passive agressive. I can admit that I do have these tendancies, but I am willing and want to work on them. He says he doesn't believe I can change.

 

As if all of this isn't enough, just to throw another layer of difficulty in, my husband is bipolar. I don't want to blame everything on this, but I do have to wonder if this is playing a major part in all of this, especially with the recent changes in our family. He is saying things like "I've never been happy in our marriage" and I just can't believe it.

 

I recently suggested we set a time line for husband to come home because I didn't feel like much was being accomplished by the separation. He told me he would think about it and let me know. He called me at 5:30 a.m. the next morning and told me he had been up all night thinking and that he didn't want to come home and that he wanted a divorce.

 

I am completely devestated. I do not want a divorce but he seems pretty set on it. He said he wanted to talk in the next day or two about how to proceed and I just can't bring myself to. I am still in denial. Is there ANYTHING I can do to save this? And if not, how am I going to survive. It hurts so much. I really don't know if I can take it. I am exhausted and this past month of raising my daughter on my own has been so overwhelming. I don't know what I am going to do if I now have to go get a job and take on all the financial obligations as well. I am sorry if this is really jumbled and a mess, and it is longer than I anticipated it being, but thank you for listening. please respond with advice. I really need it.

[lovingyou2]

Does anyone have any advice? I am really struggling. thanks in advance.

[amaysngrace]

I am sorry you're in the situation that you are.

 

Why did you stop going to counseling? You really didn't explain that too clearly.

 

The thing that strikes me as a red flag is that you each have placed labels on one another. You're a poor communicator. He's a bi polar. It sounds like you see what each other is rather than who each other is. And that makes for a very rocky road. You would both need to get past that in order to have a chance at a healthy relationship.

 

It doesn't sound like he's willing to work with you anymore. And in my opinion that means that there's just not enough love there.

 

There's really nothing you can do. You can't make somebody love you.

 

Again I am sorry.

[marlena]

Hello Loving,

 

It's early days yet so my advice to you would be to calm down and get a grip on yourself as much as you can. Keeping your composure and wits in the midst of a crisis can make all the difference.

 

I don't know if your husbands involvement, whether physical or emotional, was the catalyst that set in motion this whole marital crisis. I am inclined to thing that it was not. I have an inkling that your marriage was shaky long before she walked into the picture. The reason that I am saying this is that men usually don't leave their wives and children for an another woman so easily. Sadly, most of them stay in the marriage and conduct the affair on the side. Another reason I am inclined to make this assessment is the counselor's advice to go for a trial separation. As far as I know, most counselor's usually opt for the "work on it together" line. Why do you think she offeres this type of advice?

 

And yet, you both decided to adopt a child not too long ago. Was this a last resort sort of thing aimed to helping keeping the marriage together? Or was the marriage so solid that you both decided it was the right time?

 

You do mention a few of his gripes, namely that you are controlling an manipulative and guilt trip him often. Would you say this an accurate description of who you are?

 

If I were you, I would lay off applying any pressure right now. Crying and pleading will get you nowhere. Neither will threatening.

 

What do you think really caused this break down?

[lovingyou2]

you are right there are a lot of labels going on and a lot of blaming in our relationship.

 

We stopped going to a counselor because H got very angry and yelled at her and she said she didn't think she was a good fit for us and that we weren't making much progress. I understand that it is important to have a good mc who you feel compatible with and want to try someone new, but h said he got a good recommendation from a friend and would set something up and is dragging his feet, and now claims there is no hope left. Should I set something up on my own?

 

Maybe I just need to accept that this is over and move on, but I just haven't been able to yet. I can't eat, sleep, work out or anything. I am just a mess right now. thanks for listening to me.

[lovingyou2]

marlena

thank you for your reply. i have been holding off sharing this information in case h finds out i am posting, but at this point i need advice. I think one of the major factors that is contributing to the tension is that my h is in fact a mc. (this the argument with the other one, thought she wasn't professional enough, etc etc). I think that h is seeing people he counsels and going ''wait, that happens to us sometimes". I admit that would be a hard position to be in, but seriously his expectations are super high.

 

I think as far as the co-worker goes, he has told me he feels "emotionally safe" to talk to her where he doesn't feel that with me. but he had admitted to saying he is going to work and going to meet her and things that are more than "just friends" in my opinion.

 

I am going to try and get a grip, let him do his thing for awhile. He has this sense of urgency like we need to get going on the divorce right away and I just don't want to at all. any advice there on what I should do? Should I just try and hold him off for awhile?

thanks so much!

[marlena]

Just an idea.

 

How about if you were to suggest to him that you have a "trial reconciliation" instead of a "trial separation?" Tell him that if at the end of a two-month period, let's say, he still wants to dissolve the marriage, then, you will accept and respect his decision.

 

Do you think he might go along with something like this?

[lovingyou2]

Oh and one more thing. I am not completely sure how he felt, but we had been trying to have a child for a few years and then waited to adopt for a couple of years and the whole time I felt like our marriage was solid. I know we didn't adopt her to "save the marriage" or anything like that.

 

Although now H is starting to say things like "i've never been happy in our marriage" so I am not sure what to believe anymore.

[Gunny376]

I am sorry you're in the situation that you are.

 

Why did you stop going to counseling? You really didn't explain that too clearly.

 

The thing that strikes me as a red flag is that you each have placed labels on one another. You're a poor communicator. He's a bi polar. It sounds like you see what each other is rather than who each other is. And that makes for a very rocky road. You would both need to get past that in order to have a chance at a healthy relationship.

 

It doesn't sound like he's willing to work with you anymore. And in my opinion that means that there's just not enough love there.

 

There's really nothing you can do. You can't make somebody love you.

 

Again I am sorry.

 

Grace pretty much hit it on the "head" ~ you can't make someone love you!

 

And this bi-polar crap ~ sorry! Don't buy it! Just a lawyer term for acting ill-responsiblly? As in ~ "I killed my wife and drowned my children, the cat, the dog ~ but its not my fault because I'm "bi-polar" BS!

 

Ditto with the OW ~ "Its not my fault I cheated! I'm bi-polar!" Just a lame @ss excuse to cheat! Good of an excuse as any I guess!

 

I as good as anyone know about the "brain-chemestry" of love, rommance. It can be maddening, confusing ~ and all day hard? Even more so if you're not educated in understanding it?

 

Your best chance? Cut your loses and run! Learn and grow from the experience! Your in the mess your end (like I was) because you didn't know any better? Dig your way out of it!

 

And its hard, all day hard! But you can do it! I know that because of all the crap I've been through in my own Life!

 

In fact? Considering all the crap I've been through? I'

[lovingyou2]

Just an idea.

 

How about if you were to suggest to him that you have a "trial reconciliation" instead of a "trial separation?" Tell him that if at the end of a two-month period, let's say, he still wants to dissolve the marriage, then, you will accept and respect his decision.

 

Do you think he might go along with something like this?

 

We are very religious so I asked him to pray with me every night for a year and if at the end of the year he still wanted a divorce I would agree. He said that he doesn't have any "emotional energy" left. Maybe a year is too overwhelming? I could suggest a shorter time, like the 2 months you suggested.

 

I probably didn't handle it the best when he originally had talked about coming home. He told me that he didn't want to stay in the same room as me and that he didn't want any physical contact. I said that I thought it was unfair that he wants me to communicate in his ''love language" which is verbal communication while mine is primarily physical touch. I don't know. Maybe that was really selfish of me.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe I just need to accept that this is over and move on, but I just haven't been able to yet.

 

Accepting it's over will pull you out of the whirlwind you find yourself in. It is easier said than done though. But it's imperative if you wish to move forward. Baby steps. That's all it takes.

 

Every day is another chance to get your crap together. Make a list of what you want to do and go do it. Little things or big things. Just make sure you move yourself out of the rut that you're in.

 

I'm not saying that your marriage is over. It's not over until it's final. But you taking care of you and doing things that you should be doing to improve yourself can only help you.

 

And believe it or not, you are more important than the marriage.

[Gunny376]

Accepting it's over will pull you out of the whirlwind you find yourself in. It is easier said than done though. But it's imperative if you wish to move forward. Baby steps. That's all it takes.

 

Every day is another chance to get your crap together. Make a list of what you want to do and go do it. Little things or big things. Just make sure you move yourself out of the rut that you're in.

 

I'm not saying that your marriage is over. It's not over until it's final. But you taking care of you and doing things that you should be doing to improve yourself can only help you.

 

And believe it or not, you are more important than the marriage.

 

Not to be a puppet ~ but Grace has hit the nail on the head!

[lovingyou2]

thanks for your advice. I know I need to pull myself together. It is so hard with kids. I am struggling with my daughter. Everytime I am laughing and playing with her, there are moments where I look at her and think "I failed you" or something like that. i know that I am not the one asking out of the marriage, but i still feel like a failure. i know I can't always go down the "well maybe if I had been less sarcastic"...road, but it sure is hard. and it breaks my heart when h comes to visit her and when he leaves and she cries. so so sad.

[Gunny376]

Its a "rabbit-hole"

 

Don't go there!

 

Its hard for me to describe ~ other than to say its a "Black-Hole" of misery and despair!

[amaysngrace]

thanks for your advice. I know I need to pull myself together. It is so hard with kids. I am struggling with my daughter. Everytime I am laughing and playing with her, there are moments where I look at her and think "I failed you" or something like that. i know that I am not the one asking out of the marriage, but i still feel like a failure. i know I can't always go down the "well maybe if I had been less sarcastic"...road, but it sure is hard. and it breaks my heart when h comes to visit her and when he leaves and she cries. so so sad.

 

I hate to say this but it doesn't matter who wanted out. Your marriage failed. You are both responsible. Same as if your marriage was a success. You would both get the credit.

 

You haven't failed your daughter. She is a baby. You have her whole life to be a good mother to her.

 

She would probably rather have two happy parents in two separate homes than have one home with two miserable parents. I know I would.

 

Your husband is his own person and he is going to do what he wants. He's allowed. If he wants to come see her and then leave afterwards it's his right to do that. At least he is seeing your daughter. Some dads don't.

 

Truly you need to stop thinking so much of him and his actions and worry about your own. You can't control him. You can only control yourself.

 

Are you in control of your life?

Edited February 4, 2008 by amaysngrace
forgot a word

[Blue Eyed Brain]

You have not failed your daughter. Time away from H maybe the best thing.

 

Something was wrong in your relationship.... it happens to all of us. That doesn't make you a failure or a success if you stay married.

 

Everything is very fresh and so are the wounds. When you feel yourself feeling sad, do something fun or exercise to clear the head.

 

Taking care of you is the most important and most unselfish thing you can do for your daughter. She needs you now to be there for her.

[marlena]

Loving,

 

Divorcing is not failure.

 

Staying in a cold, loveless marriage is failure..failure to take control of your life, failure to be self-reliant,failure to be strong, failure to be brave, failure to confront life with dignity, stength and self-esteem. That's failure. Often grasping onto a travesty of a marriage is the easy way out.

 

Taken the road less travelled is far more difficult but ultimately more rewarding.

 

If you are a good mother, your daughter will come out unscathed. Of that I can assure you.

[lovingyou2]

thanks everyone for your advice. I guess I maybe I am not as in control of my life as I thought/want to be. I think deep down in my heart I know that whatever happens, I will be ok and I will make it through it and I will be happy. But it hurts so much right now that sometimes it is easy to dwell on the pain and the hurt since it is so fresh and new. Sorry, don't really expect a response to that, it just is how I am feeling.

 

Any idea on how to respond to H? Right now when we talk it is just defensive for both of us and very awkward.

[marlena]

Any idea on how to respond to H? Right now when we talk it is just defensive for both of us and very awkward.

 

Perhaps you should both let things simmer down for a while and use the time to collect your thoughts and do some self-reflecting. Talking at this early stage with your emotions being as raw as they are can only lead to more aggravation on both sides.

 

Why not tell him OK let's think about this for a while and talk again, face-to-face, in about a week's time?

 

If you are talking every day and scratching the wound so to speak it will only exacerbate the situation and lead to more defensive talking.

 

Just an idea.

[amaysngrace]

Any idea on how to respond to H? Right now when we talk it is just defensive for both of us and very awkward.

 

Do you have a lawyer? Does he? Because a lot of what needs to be said can be done through them rather than you guys hashing it out.

 

I understand that it is hard to deal with the fresh wounds. It's a hard realization when the life you had planned goes upside down. It's hardest most of all when you gave the effort and it wasn't enough. It sucks bigtime.

 

But you are right. No matter what you're going to be okay. You are feeling some pretty strong emotions currently and it's hard not to let them take over but you really need to try.

 

Why don't you stop and take a moment and think about what you want from the divorce?

 

As far as having to speak with him, right now it is mostly about visitation, is that right? Keep it short. Don't talk about the marriage. If the conversation starts going in a wrong direction you can always say good bye.

 

Don't ask to reconcile. The more he knows you want it the less he will oblige. Control, remember? He has it now. Please don't allow that.

[lovingyou2]

marlena,

thanks for the suggestion about not talking for a weeks worth of time. I had actually been thinking of suggesting that, so I think I will do that. Right now it is just to hard for me to speak and not beg for him to come back and end up crying and upset every time. And that is not doing any good whatsoever.

[marlena]

thanks for the suggestion about not talking for a weeks worth of time. I had actually been thinking of suggesting that, so I think I will do that. Right now it is just to hard for me to speak and not beg for him to come back and end up crying and upset every time. And that is not doing any good whatsoever.

 

No, it is not only not doing any good, it is doing a great deal of harm. The more you beg him to come home, the more defensive he will become. He will feel that he is being coerced or guilt-tripped. This will lead him to feel resentful towards you besides confirming his reasons for wanting to leave the marriage.

 

Besides, YOU need the time to calm down and regain your composure. It is not the end of the world although I do know that it feels this way.

 

Do you not have and friends or family that you can lean on for support?

[lovingyou2]

I have tons of friends and family that have been awesome and are the only way that I am making it through. It is hard for them not to want to take a "side" and it has always been my side (even his family) and while I appreciate the love and support I also want unbiased opinions to help the relationship, which is why I came here, so thank you.

[Gunny376]

Whatever you do? Don't beg any man for anything!

 

You were fine in your Life before you meet him~ you'll be fine without him!

 

Don't beg someone to "let you love" them!

 

Most people are about as good as you let them be!

 

This guy? He's selfish! Its all about what he wants, and what he needs, and he's making you be the "heavy" in makng you believe your not good enough, not giving enough, doing enough! That's what "cheaters" do!

 

Its never enough! Your best is never enough! The more you give ~ the more they want! He's a "taker" a user and abuser! Just that plain and simple!

 

Me? I'm a "giver" I give more than I take! My needs are simple ~ I'm "low maintenance" I don't need a bunch of materialistic crap to make me happy! I'm not trying to impress anyone!

 

I don't need anyone for self validation, nor much of anything else ~ I just like to have some company! I'm a bit of a "Mountain Man"

Edited February 4, 2008 by Gunny376

[lovingyou2]

Question for everyone. As you can see from my initial post, H and I are separated. Should I do something for him for Vday? We have a daughter who is 15 months. I was thinking of just getting a card and letting her color on it and a treat and drop it off at his work. What do you think? Thanks in advance.